"Just the way things are done" Formal Invitations

[Knight of Ni]

I told my mom that if she addressed mail to us as Mr and Mrs his first and last name I would address her mail as Mrs and Mr. Her first and last name. Might be a bit petty but I don't care. :nenner:

[Hane]

A couple from my church sent me a Christmas card with a pre-printed return address label reading "Mr. and Mrs. Elizabeth Lastname." They got the labels from a charity they support, and the husband thought it was great and insisted on using all the labels!

[Lillybee]

When my daughter was born, our local newspaper would do an announcement that read born to Mr. and Mrs. his first name, his last name, a daughter named Mary. I had a big issue with that and demanded that they used my first name. The paper did change the way they did things so I won that battle. I told them that I didn't give away my first name when I got married and since I was the one who did all the work to birth my baby, I deserved to have my name in the announcement.

[Mice]

A couple from my church sent me a Christmas card with a pre-printed return address label reading "Mr. and Mrs. Elizabeth Lastname." They got the labels from a charity they support, and the husband thought it was great and insisted on using all the labels!

I kept my own name and my company consistently writes place cards for Mr. X Mice and Ms. A Mice whenever there is a function. He thinks its great. Only about half the folks I know who are married did the Anglo traditional take the husbands name thing. Of those who didn't do that, they are about evenly split between keeping their original names and making some combination of names.

[EmiGirl]

I'm the only one of anyone I know who didn't take the man's last name. His cousins are the only ones who accept this. I want to headdesk every time we get an invitation with Mr. and Mrs. Hislastname. or I get mail from his or my family addressed to Mrs. Emily Hislastname. :angry-banghead: We've been married for 4 years and this STILL happens. I just wish I had someone to commiserate with around here.

Edited to add: I have thought about sending things back "Return to Sender : No such person", but I don't think that would go over too well.

[nonymouse]

My husband was going to take my last name until the very last second. He decided against it for whatever reason and I accepted his choice, just as he accepted mine not to take his. Our kids have my last name, though, which is confusing for some, but that's not my problem :wink-kitty:

[YPestis]

On the issue of changing last names, that's not a universal practice. In many cultures, women do not take their husband's last names. It always fascinates me how even left leaning/feminist/career women take an almost offensive tone when it's suggested to them that wives no longer need to change their last names.

Typically, it's of the attitude that the woman (because it's always the woman) is being selfish and petty as marriage is about becoming One. Of course, if it's such a petty thing, and it's selfish to maintain a separate last name, then why don't more men do it? Why doesn't the admonishment ever come down on the husbands? No one tells a man to "man up" and just change his last name. Like the daycare debate, name changing is considered a woman issue, even though men can easily take up the burden of the debate.

nged).

I think it also surprises some people that other cultures, even those patriarchy societies, do not sure this name change practice. In China, women typically don't change their last names. I think it's related to a taboo of persons with the same last names marrying. Growing up, I think people thought my mother was making a feminist statement by keeping her maiden name. My mother just thought it was a baffling habit. To her, it's not different (and just as sexist) as telling her to change her first name upon marriage. She thought it at best a quaint custom, and at worst, a sign that patriarchy has not been extinguished (my mother was a feminist....).

The worst excuse I've heard about changing last names is the "think of the kids" argument. I guess if mom has a different last name than dad, then people will get confused and not let you see your kid when their wheeled into the ICU, at least that's one of the arguments I've heard. Of course, that's bit ridiculous as there are millions of blended families, parents with children from different spouses etc. Shockingly, there is no epidemic parental mishaps due to last name conflicts.

Anyway, the entire argument regarding last names should be based on what the person who has to change their last name feels. If it's so important for someone to share the same last name, then they should focus on changing their last name to comply, rather than force their unwilling spouse to do so.

That said, despite never changing my last name, I've never been annoyed when people sent me stuff addressed to Mrs. Husband's FirstName, Husband's LastName. That's just a custom. However, I feel as much compunction to change my last name as I do my first name. I think I'll stick to the name I was born with, and the hand wringing to those that gives a hoot about these things.

[nonymouse]

Edited to add: I have thought about sending things back "Return to Sender : No such person", but I don't think that would go over too well.

Heh, I did that with my grandmother, whom I detest, and wouldn't understand why I kept my name. It's not a lie, either, there is no such person by that name at my house. :whistle:

[treemom]

I think every woman should do as she pleases in what her name is before and after marriage and how she intends to be introduced etc. I was personally fond of the mrs and mrs treedad and treemom last name. I have moved away from mrs in recent years and feel more comfortable with ms. Treemom last name.

I took my husbands last name but for personal reasons related to my childhood and I like how it sounds with my first and middle names.

[EmiGirl]

That said, despite never changing my last name, I've never been annoyed when people sent me stuff addressed to Mrs. Husband's FirstName, Husband's LastName. That's just a custom. However, I feel as much compunction to change my last name as I do my first name. I think I'll stick to the name I was born with, and the hand wringing to those that gives a hoot about these things.

For me it's aggravating because I know that it's not ignorance, but people willingly and purposefully thumbing their nose up at me because they don't approve of my decision to retain my identity.

[treemom]

I'm 26 and I live in Texas. Maybe it's a southern thing. Personally, I can't imagine not talking my husband's name because I see marriage as making your own new family together. I do not understand being married and having every facet of your lives, including last names, separate.

And that is fine, for you. But having different last names does not indicate everything facet is separate.

[colliemae]

And that is fine, for you. But having different last names does not indicate everything facet is separate.

This. My husband and I have pretty much joint everything, but we have different last names. He wasn't happy about it initially; he wasn't angry or pushy, but he really wanted to talk about why I didn't want to change it and he was big on becoming one family with one last name. I told him then that he could take my name. He said no. I told him that we could both hyphenate our names. He said no. I said that we could pick an entirely new last name for both of us. He said no. I said that then it was clearly about me having his name and not just about us having one name. He's left it alone since.

[SPHASH]

I literally have never met a woman who didn't take her husbands name.

My cousins wife kept her maiden name and my grandma and dad thought it was the worst thing in the world.

[treehugger]

I did not take my husband's last name. I kept my maiden name and go by the title Ms. not Mrs. I love my husband, but I had a life and an identity before I met him, and I didn't feel like giving all that up. Obviously what other people do is none of my business.

[SPHASH]

Heh, I did that with my grandmother, whom I detest, and wouldn't understand why I kept my name. It's not a lie, either, there is no such person by that name at my house. :whistle:

I thought I was the only one who detested their grandmother. Just my paternal one.

[BabyFullOfSin]

I told my mom that if she addressed mail to us as Mr and Mrs his first and last name I would address her mail as Mrs and Mr. Her first and last name. Might be a bit petty but I don't care. :nenner:

My mom and I had a (light hearted, she truly doesn't care but she knows it winds me up) mail war like this going for a while. Quite funny

[BabyFullOfSin]

My husband and I have pretty much joint everything, but we have different last names. He wasn't happy about it initially; he wasn't angry or pushy, but he really wanted to talk about why I didn't want to change it and he was big on becoming one family with one last name. I told him then that he could take my name. He said no. I told him that we could both hyphenate our names. He said no. I said that we could pick an entirely new last name for both of us. He said no. I said that then it was clearly about me having his name and not just about us having one name. He's left it alone since.

This is exactly how our conversation went (though we have mostly separate banking - it works for us)

[BabyFullOfSin]

Heh, I did that with my grandmother, whom I detest, and wouldn't understand why I kept my name. It's not a lie, either, there is no such person by that name at my house. :whistle:

I play this game with telemarketers :)

[HopelessWanderer]

I'm from Texas and currently in the "every two weeks there is a wedding" mid 20s, stage of life, and I can't think of any of my friends or acquaintances who haven't take their husband's name. Even among the gay couples I know, they decided on one last name and that's that. It could just be a southern thing though.

[treemom]

I'm from Texas and currently in the "every two weeks there is a wedding" mid 20s, stage of life, and I can't think of any of my friends or acquaintances who haven't take their husband's name. Even among the gay couples I know, they decided on one last name and that's that. It could just be a southern thing though.

No, not a southern thing. I live in Memphis which is pretty conservative and southern and amongst friends and coworkers it is maybe about 25% keep their own names and 70% take husbands and the remaining 5% do a mix or a new name.

I found however I didn't always know what people did legally. So you might find a lot of those folks either haven't let you in on it or are using a social name and keeping their professional or legal name.

[treemom]

Although to be honest i think this comes us on FJ once every 4-6 months and lots of people are surprised that women do take husbands names or surprised they don't take husbands names.

I am just usually amused anyone has an opinion on what people want to do when it isn't Kreative spelling and within the spectrum of average.

[Mama Mia]

Seriously? Where do you live and what generation are you?

I'm in my mid-40s. I would say of my married friends, probably around 1/10 or maybe a bit more kept their maiden names. I did change mine, but I'm with the OP on totally hating (and nixing) "Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Ourlastname". Only a couple of our aunties ever address mail to us that way and I've given up caring about that, but I wasn't going to refer to myself that way.

In my experience, about half the women in my generation kept their names or hyphenated. These are women who are now 40s to 50 s.

I can't think of any married women that I know who are in my daughters generation (20 -30 ish) who kept their name. They have all taken their husbands name.

Career choice with either group doesn't seem to make a difference.

[AnywhereButHere]

My college sends everything addressed as MR and MRS husbands first, last name.

This highly annoys me. It would be different if we both went there,meet and married....but no. *I* went there.

This reminds me, in fact, to email the alumni dept and tell them to knock that shit off!

That's strange. Especially since he didn't go to there. My college knows I'm married. They address everything to me with my current last name and not my maiden name (and that just hit me - maiden, really? When are we, medieval times?), but they've never once sent me anything with my husband's name on it though. Even invitations are just to me with an "and guest" indicated inside.

I took my husband's name because, honestly, I never felt much attachment to my original (not maiden, I am not maiden material :P ) last name, and hyphenating would have been lengthy to say the least. Return addressing an envelope would give me carpal tunnel.

[nonymouse]

I thought I was the only one who detested their grandmother. Just my paternal one.

Nope, not even close to being alone. I just hope you were able to break off contact with yours. I haven't spoken to mine in 12 years; one of the best, healthiest choices I've ever made.

[lexiloumarie]

I thought I was the only one who detested their grandmother. Just my paternal one.

Mine's horrible as well.

I took The Wife's last name as a hyphen, although not tied to our wedding because it wasn't recognized in our home state. Mainly because I love the double hyphen confusion. :dance: "Alexa-Louise Original-Newlastname"