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"Just the way things are done" Formal Invitations


Knight of Ni

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I'm getting married in April . Last time my mom and I were talking about the wedding and making plans she mentioned something about addressing the invitation envelopes as "Mr and Mrs Mans first and last name". When I suggested a different way that includes using the woman's name she dismissed it and said the "this is the proper, formal way." She than said that was how my husband and I would be introduced when we arrived at the reception; as Mr and Mrs husband's full name.

I informed her that I would NOT be introduced like that and that my name would be used. She said "that's not the way thing are done." I don't care if that's the way things are done. I will not do it that way. She seemed to be annoyed, my dad as well.

It leaves me wondering why some people cling so strongly to outdated ideas such as this. Especially one that essentially suggests that you have given up all rights to your identity.

And for the record I don't care I offend. I will be introduced using my first name. I may be part of my husband's family as well as my own but I will not become my husband.

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If you are old enough to marry, you are old enough to choose how you are addressed/introduced.

I didn't change my last name when I married. I like my name, no need to change it due to changed marital status. The ILs were not thrilled but it wasn't their decision.

Do what you like, it is your name and your life.

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Your choice if you want to be known as Mrs. First MaidenLast. No one else's. No explanations needed either. And if somebody asks you why you don't go by Mrs. Husband's name, tell them it's none of their business. Just my opinion.

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I'm getting married in April . Last time my mom and I were talking about the wedding and making plans she mentioned something about addressing the invitation envelopes as "Mr and Mrs Mans first and last name". When I suggested a different way that includes using the woman's name she dismissed it and said the "this is the proper, formal way." She than said that was how my husband and I would be introduced when we arrived at the reception; as Mr and Mrs husband's full name.

I informed her that I would NOT be introduced like that and that my name would be used. She said "that's not the way thing are done." I don't care if that's the way things are done. I will not do it that way. She seemed to be annoyed, my dad as well.

It leaves me wondering why some people cling so strongly to outdated ideas such as this. Especially one that essentially suggests that you have given up all rights to your identity.

And for the record I don't care I offend. I will be introduced using my first name. I may be part of my husband's family as well as my own but I will not become my husband.

I think its silly, why cant they just go for Mr and Mrs Lastname (assuming you are choosing to take his last name?). It would make more sense cause you didnt take his first name when you married him. Or on the wedding invitations, have both of your full names, kinda makes sense because you arent Mr and Mrs yet as you wont be married until that day.

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Who address mail Mr and Mrs .... anymore anyway.

We used first names for everyone. I don't call anyone Mr and Mrs, I don't refer to myself as a Mrs or my husband as Mr... I HATE that it's always a compulsory field on forms. Who gives a flying fuck what you are.

The only time recently I've ever addressed someone with a title was my son's first school teacher (coz y'know I thought that was what you did). My mum set me straight on that (school teacher, principal, all the kids in her school call the teachers by their first names).

Our kids call their teachers Mrs/Miss etc...but that's a school decision and they have to conform (shock horror, don't tell Sparkles my kids are forced to a. school, b. do what they are told). But they don't call any adults they know Mrx Mrs x

Sorry think I just went OT

Do what you want, your wedding, your life, your beliefs. Just because it's always been done that way doesn't mean that way should continue.

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When we came into the reception we did it to the sound of "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bride and Groom!"

Because, really, everybody there knew our names:) Neither of which changed.

The "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" is still correct but it's pretty old-fashioned to say that it's the only way to go, especially given the possibility nowadays that you're going to have couples at your wedding who are:

Not sharing the same last name.

Same-sex.

Living together but not married.

And last but not least, one of the fairly large fraction of women who aren't all that chill with being "Mrs. John Smith." This includes quite a lot of older, not-hugely feminist women.

"Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith" is also perfectly acceptable, as is "Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith" (clunky, to my mind). Even Emily Post wouldn't mind.

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"Mr. & Mrs. John Smith" is an old-person thing and I'm sure a fundie thing. My mom is also under the impression that I am "Mrs. Mrerunerune's First Name Mrerunerune's Last Name". She is old. I don't care enough to correct her. Just make sure you are announced the way you prefer at your wedding and let other peoples' old-fashionedness and intrinsic sexism go unless you are in the mood to call them out, which is entirely your prerogative.

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I literally have never met a woman who didn't take her husbands name.

Seriously? Where do you live and what generation are you?

I'm in my mid-40s. I would say of my married friends, probably around 1/10 or maybe a bit more kept their maiden names. I did change mine, but I'm with the OP on totally hating (and nixing) "Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Ourlastname". Only a couple of our aunties ever address mail to us that way and I've given up caring about that, but I wasn't going to refer to myself that way.

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I kept my name (or as I tell people when they ask, "We both kept our names.") My ILs had no problem with it, possibly because my husband is one of three boys. My family is the one that has a hard time dealing with it. I also asked that invitations to married couples be addressed by both first names ("Mr. Hisfirst & Mrs Herfirst Hislast" for couples with a shared last name) instead of "Mr. & Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast." Then right before we sent the final list to the calligrapher, I saw that the names were only like that for my friends--my parents didn't do it for any of the other guests. I said that I wanted it to be the same for all the guests, and my mom got annoyed that she had to do it over again at almost the last minute. Then the calligrapher was refusing to do it, saying it would take up too much room and was "not traditional." I told the wedding planner and invitation person, "I DON'T CARE what is traditional. This is MY wedding, and I want the things that go along with it to reflect MY morals." They finally went along with "Hisfirst & Herfirst Hislast."

Basically, I think people hold on to outdated traditions because it is quicker and easier than having to actually think about what you want and what you believe. During wedding planning, I was told, "It's your day. Do what you want." The reality was really "It's your day. Do what you want--as long as it is what we are already used to."

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I literally have never met a woman who didn't take her husbands name.

Wow, that's so strange to have met no one who kept her last name. I did and so have many of my professional friends (the non professionals I know seem much more likely to change their names).

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I know a lovely couple who combined their last names to one epic last name. It is kind of a tongue twister at first but pretty nice.

I suggested this but my husband wasn't on board with Rorad but I think it's a pretty kick ass, silly name ;)

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I'm getting married in April . Last time my mom and I were talking about the wedding and making plans she mentioned something about addressing the invitation envelopes as "Mr and Mrs Mans first and last name". When I suggested a different way that includes using the woman's name she dismissed it and said the "this is the proper, formal way." She than said that was how my husband and I would be introduced when we arrived at the reception; as Mr and Mrs husband's full name.

I informed her that I would NOT be introduced like that and that my name would be used. She said "that's not the way thing are done." I don't care if that's the way things are done. I will not do it that way. She seemed to be annoyed, my dad as well.

It leaves me wondering why some people cling so strongly to outdated ideas such as this. Especially one that essentially suggests that you have given up all rights to your identity.

And for the record I don't care I offend. I will be introduced using my first name. I may be part of my husband's family as well as my own but I will not become my husband.

tell your mother the modern formal form is as follows

weddings.about.com/od/invitations/a/How-To-Address-Your-Wedding-Invitations.htm

"Examples of How to Address Wedding Invitations

The standard:

Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith

Twenty Six Main Street

Springfield, Massachusetts

01101

Variations:

Doctor and Mrs. John and Jane Smith

Doctor and Mr. Jane and John Smith

Doctors Jane and John Smith

Doctor Jane Doe and Doctor John Smith

Doctor Jane Doe and Lieutenant John Smith

Mrs. Jane Doe-Smith and Mr. John Smith

Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe-Smith

Mr. and Ms. John and Jane Smith

Mr. Joe Smith and Mr. John Doe

Misters John and Joseph Doe-Smith or Mr. and Mr. John and Joe Doe-Smith

Ms. Jane Smith and Ms. Jennifer Doe

Mrs. and Mrs. Jane and Jennifer Smith

President Barack Obama and Mrs. Michelle Obama

The Honorable Senator Jane Smith and Mr. Joseph Smith

The Honorable Senator Jane Smith and Doctor John Smith

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My college sends everything addressed as MR and MRS husbands first, last name.

This highly annoys me. It would be different if we both went there,meet and married....but no. *I* went there.

This reminds me, in fact, to email the alumni dept and tell them to knock that shit off!

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I'm kind of crazy on this topic. If anyone ever introduced me to, for example, Mrs. John Smith, I would be tempted to comment on how strange a first name John is for a woman. This dehumanization of women really gets my goat.

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Seriously? Where do you live and what generation are you?

I'm in my mid-40s. I would say of my married friends, probably around 1/10 or maybe a bit more kept their maiden names. I did change mine, but I'm with the OP on totally hating (and nixing) "Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Ourlastname". Only a couple of our aunties ever address mail to us that way and I've given up caring about that, but I wasn't going to refer to myself that way.

I'm 26 and I live in Texas. Maybe it's a southern thing. Personally, I can't imagine not talking my husband's name because I see marriage as making your own new family together. I do not understand being married and having every facet of your lives, including last names, separate.

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Twice divorced and back to my maiden name at the age of 60, I like to insist on the title Miss. Just to fuck with annoying, presumptuous people a third my age who, in business situations, assume they can call me by my first name.

That said, even my most conservative married female contemporaries don't use "Mrs. John Lastname"--they use "Mrs. Mary Lastname," if being formal.

Fun ancient etiquette fact for the very young: "Mrs. John Smith" is the guy's wife or widow. Should she divorce him, she gets demoted to "Mrs. Mary Smith," because it assumes he'll remarry, and there can only be one woman bearing the high dignity of the title "Mrs. John Smith" at a time.

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I'm kind of crazy on this topic. If anyone ever introduced me to, for example, Mrs. John Smith, I would be tempted to comment on how strange a first name John is for a woman. This dehumanization of women really gets my goat.

Back in the '70s, when we were in our 20s, some friends and I joined the board of the local YWCA, which was a pretty old-timey group back them. We SHOCKED the older ladies on the board by politely and cheerfully announcing that we didn't use the form "Mrs. John Smith." They got over it.

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I literally have never met a woman who didn't take her husbands name.

Among my friends, only a handful did take their husbands' names.

I am 52yo. FWIW

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I'm 26 and I live in Texas. Maybe it's a southern thing. Personally, I can't imagine not talking my husband's name because I see marriage as making your own new family together. I do not understand being married and having every facet of your lives, including last names, separate.

I am 40 and actually live in the south (Texas is not the south, sorry) and have my entire life. 75% of my friends kept their names, hyphenated or co-mingled. I do not understand thinking marriage means you throw away your entire identity. Why can't he take your name?

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I'm 26 and I live in Texas. Maybe it's a southern thing. Personally, I can't imagine not talking my husband's name because I see marriage as making your own new family together. I do not understand being married and having every facet of your lives, including last names, separate.

How would you feel about your husband taking your name? It would accomplish the same thing.

Billions of people around the world marry and keep their names and make new families together. Changing one's name upon marriage is an Anglo custom. Not universal at all.

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I am 40 and actually live in the south (Texas is not the south, sorry) and have my entire life. 75% of my friends kept their names, hyphenated or co-mingled. I do not understand thinking marriage means you throw away your entire identity. Why can't he take your name?

That's interesting. My experience has been different. I don't consider talking my husband throwing my identity. I said personally, what anyone else does is their choice. I have heard of a couple taking the woman's name and if someone wants to do that good for them. It's definitely one of the many options. I have seen and known plenty of hyphenated last names.

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I was pretty non-committal when it came to the last name business. I tacked his last name onto mine, sans hyphen. I use my family name professionally. I use the double name legally, and I use his last name only occasionally. Both his family and mine address letters to "Amy Hislastname" but it doesn't really bother me. The combined last name is 18 letters long and always gives bank tellers and clerks a tough time. I probably wouldn't change my name at all if I had to do over again, but whatevs. I'm privileged to be in a place in my life where I have some flexibility and a supportive husband.

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