this woman makes me sick - Vicki Courtney

[SunnyAndrsn]

Confession time: I'm the dreaded MIL who is not a MIL, just the grandmother to be (on the paternal side)

Quick recap:

-Son was adopted at 13, we fostered him since age 11. We have an open adoption, and he has contact with his birth family as he wishes. Bio mom's sobriety was the only condition (by Son's request) of contact.

-He will be 20 soon, and still deals with attachment issues r/t neglect as a young child.

-Has a g/f of the same age, who he was living with, in her mother's basement

-Girlfriend is 8 weeks (almost 9) pregnant

-Neither has a job, g/f suffers from anxiety that manifests itself in agoraphobia and trichotillomania. Was taking trazodone, klonopin, paxil, and PRN ativan. Her mom didn't want her to see a therapist.

-Her mom has fibromyalgia, is on disability, has a boyfriend who tried to OD on HER meds a few weeks ago, recently had a car re-possessed, and she can't walk across a room without becoming winded d/t obesity. She has 'rest stops' lining the hall because she can't walk from the couch to the bathroom without becoming winded. She has crippling anxiety as well, but does not think that she needs any help other than her meds.

-Her mom kicked my son out (can't disagree with her--seriously, he's very difficult to live with) and refers to the baby as "our baby" meaning hers and her daughters.

-Her mom says DH and I have nothing to do with this since we are not the "real" parents to our son

I'm sorry to say this, in light of many of the things you all have shared about how you were treated regarding unplanned pregnancy, but we suggested abortion or adoption. Neither has the ability to care for themselves, and with the mental illness involved, I truly fear for this child's life at their hands. I've had to call social services d/t disclosures of drug use on the g/f's part since knowing she was pregnant. We get asked for groceries and gas money, along with money for medications. How are they going to raise a child? And why should we just be the ones to fork over they money to help the baby when they won't help themselves? If they were making an effort, we'd help and gladly. I sent numbers for the local WIC office and told her to apply for MA. She says her mom won't let her!!!

Frustrated and angry, the last few weeks have been very, very challenging.

[Austin]

Sunny, I can't imagine how difficult that situation would be. I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

You used the word "was" when describing the gf taking all of these meds. Does that mean that she has stopped taking the meds due to the pregnancy?

[SunnyAndrsn]

Sunny, I can't imagine how difficult that situation would be. I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

You used the word "was" when describing the gf taking all of these meds. Does that mean that she has stopped taking the meds due to the pregnancy?

I have been told that she has, although it didn't stop her from smoking pot. It could be that she can't afford the refills, and the MD she's seeing isn't aware of her 'scripts from other MDs.

Almost two weeks ago now, her mom kicked DS out. What I didn't originally post was that DS then consumed 95 tablets of benadryl in an attempt to "get back at her". DS is lucky to be alive, and in the world of the g/f and mom, because "the cops said you can't die from too much benadryl" it was still all about them...and we got text messages while DS was in ICU from the g/f that said things like:

"He doesn't care about my health" (well, apparently he doesn't care about his own either--as he tried to kill himself) She thinks if she takes a crap the baby will fall out, and uses this as an excuse to NOT work.

"Do you think the baby should have my last name, since I'm going to be the primary caregiver?" (Um, wrong people to ask, wrong time to ask it)

Fast forward to last night, DS has been sober since this happened, and has been apart from her as well. He's started medication and therapy. He sent me an excited e-mail about how they are going to the ultrasound together this week Friday, where she said they'd "find out the sex of the baby". And YEAH! Mom, we're back together.

I told him they would find out the sex yet, and did not comment on the fact that they were back together.

I'm trying hard, I really am...but this is damn hard. FreeJingerites, would you give money, support, food, anything in this situation? This child is being brought into a nightmare with BOTH parents, mine included.

[let-them-eat-cake]

Sheesh, they were already engaged. The mom had no right to embarrass them like that. It's their lives, not hers.

[Austin]

God, I don't know what I'd do, Sunny. Probably cry a lot, as I'm sure you are.

Since they can't really take care of themselves (the girl and her mother), I don't see how in the world they will take care of an infant. I feel so sorry for the kids in these situations. If a baby needs to be fed, it can't exactly wait two hours for "grandma" to walk to the fridge and back with all her rest stops and the girl sounds like she's none too bright. I'm guessing she'll get bored with "motherhood" pretty quickly and it sounds like the mother is in no shape to care for an infant. At that point, they'll have someone else raise it (I don't know if that's something you would want to do or not). Clearly the best course is either termination or adoption, but it sounds like she's bent on having and keeping (or trying to) this baby.

I really feel for you. ((((many hugs))))

[hoipolloi]

Oh Sunny. Major vibes to you in trying to deal with this situation....

Unfortunately for all, your DS & gf are adults and beyond anyone's parental control. Is there a way that CPS or a similar agency can be consulted/advised so as to intervene as constructively as possible before things might get worse & more out of control?

E.g, is there a program like "Healthy Mothers, Healthy Babies" available? I know, the young couple need the ability to enter & stick with a program as well as support to stay there (which sounds like g/f isn't going to get from her "real" parents).

((((hugs)))) & vibes

[keeperrox]

I just read her follow up post:

vickicourtney.com/2011/04/overwhelmed-beyond-words/

While I agree with everything upthread in regards to mom being an uber-bitch, the pregnant future-daughter-in-law is pretty fucking dumb, too.

At one point in the day, I texted Ryan and Casey and told them to check out the comments when they had a break at work. Casey is in her final semester at Auburn student teaching and was able to check comments off and on throughout the day in her classroom. She said that every time she began to read them, she couldn’t hold back her tears. At one point, a little boy in her class asked her, “Miss Walker, why are you crying? This is your birthday week!â€

From one teacher to another, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, CHECKING BLOG COMMENTS WHILE CHILDREN ARE IN YOUR CARE AS AN EDUCATOR?!?!?! You make the entire profession look bad, you dumb cow.

[SamuraiKatz]

Mirele:

You are awesome! You told this woman what I felt...but far better than I ever could have done... This poor couple needs kindness not condemnation and shaming. What an awful excuse for a parent!

BTW, My parents were four months pregnant with me when the got married.. I am a child of the early 60's. No demons pursued my parents or anything. They had my siblings and raised us. My dad told one of my kids recently that if he and grandma hadn't fornicated....they wouldn't be here. It must be nice to get to speak your mind...I can't wait to be old enough to do that myself.

[thoughtful]

Or one day they'll move without a forwarding address, block her on Skype, and quit answering her e-mails. And she'll say that their earlier sin left a door open for more sin and that's why they don't want to talk to her anymore--their ears are itching or their hearts are cold or something. Meanwhile they'll take a few months to decompress from the constant tensing for the next lecture and look around for a church that isn't full of people picking the specks out of each other's eyes.

I fervently hope so.

[MrsYoungie]

I wish I could find the actual quote (maybe some clever person here knows it) but I used to have it on my wall at work. I meant it in reference to my mother-in-law, who can take any situation and make it worse. It also would apply to the parents in the original post.

Paraphrased: Life's tragedy is that moments that should draw us closer together, in fact, end up driving us further apart.

The parents of the pregnant couple could have made a strong bond by supporting their children in a difficult time. Instead they embarrassed them and drove a huge wedge in their relationship. Opportunity lost.

If anyone knows the real quote - please let me know.

[lilwriter85]

I just read her follow up post:

vickicourtney.com/2011/04/overwhelmed-beyond-words/

While I agree with everything upthread in regards to mom being an uber-bitch, the pregnant future-daughter-in-law is pretty fucking dumb, too.

From one teacher to another, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, CHECKING BLOG COMMENTS WHILE CHILDREN ARE IN YOUR CARE AS AN EDUCATOR?!?!?! You make the entire profession look bad, you dumb cow.

I agree she is dumb. Sadly there are some teachers who do crap like that. My aunt by marriage admitted to me once that her niece often checks her text messages in her classroom while teaching from behind a desk. I feel sorry for any kids who may end up having Casey as a teacher. I think Vicki is pretty stupid to be texting someone at work.

[treemom]

I guess I don't get why they are apologizing to any of these people. even if it were a sin, isn't a sin they committed against each other?

[Joykins]

I guess I don't get why they are apologizing to any of these people. even if it were a sin, isn't a sin they committed against each other?

shhhh

[forever ago]

Future teacher here, yes Casey is dumb and so are teachers who text during class. As a student I get annoyed with people who text during class, and refuse to text during classes myself. I can sort of understand if it's a lunch break or planning period or some time where you're away from students and not immediately busy grading and planning shit, but still, only check the interwebs and cellies if you absolutely HAVE to. Even then, you better hope the principal isn't watching what you're doing. And if you're going to be an ass and do it anyway, at least either hide your reactions well enough, or don't read something that will cause visible reactions.

Then again I wouldn't be surprised if her cunty future-MIL is lying or stretching the truth about this- what if she's just checking her email, and can see the comments there? I wouldn't put it past CFMIL to e-mail her the comments.

[Austin]

My husband, who teaches 5th grade, is impossible to reach during school hours. He doesn't even have a planning period or lunch period any more (he eats lunch standing on the playground while supervising his students during recess) and teaches from 8:00 -3:00 straight through. We could have a major family emergency and we would have to call the school office and have the secretary go get him b/c he won't even answer a *9-1-1* text. He just doesn't look at his phone all day.

And following FB or comments on a blog? Ha! lol

[forever ago]

My husband, who teaches 5th grade, is impossible to reach during school hours. He doesn't even have a planning period or lunch period any more (he eats lunch standing on the playground while supervising his students during recess) and teaches from 8:00 -3:00 straight through. We could have a major family emergency and we would have to call the school office and have the secretary go get him b/c he won't even answer a *9-1-1* text. He just doesn't look at his phone all day.

And following FB or comments on a blog? Ha! lol

It was different at my high school, where teachers had lunches and planning periods (well, most) free, though this time was getting cut. Then again, administrators used e-mail and phone communication within the school like crazy, so teachers had no choice but to answer school phones in class and check e-mail between classes, or they'd miss something important. It annoyed the hell out of everybody.

[keeperrox]

Oh, I check my (school provided) email frequently, for updates and such. Checking blog comments while students are in the room is grounds for reprimand, though.

[Austin]

It was different at my high school, where teachers had lunches and planning periods (well, most) free, though this time was getting cut. Then again, administrators used e-mail and phone communication within the school like crazy, so teachers had no choice but to answer school phones in class and check e-mail between classes, or they'd miss something important. It annoyed the hell out of everybody.

Oh, the administrators send emails to teachers all damn day. Dozens of emails. Long dumb conversations by people who clearly have nothing better to do. He gets sideways with them often over this, b/c one or another will say, "I sent you an email about [blank] at 11 this morning" and he gets infuriated with them. I know he wants to bark at one or another of them, "Listen, moron, I'm teaching STUDENTS all day and I don't have time to follow your stupid freaking emails that are meaningless anyway! What in the hell do you think I'm doing at 11:00 a.m.????"

But I think he just says, "I don't have time to check email during the day. I will look at it tonight when I get home."

eta: when he was in public school and got a meal period (22 minutes, at least) and a planning period, he probably did look at his email. He gets no meal period at this charter and planning time? Yeah, they never heard of it. So not putting teachers down who are able to look at their email now and again during the day. I wish he was one of them.

[forever ago]

Oh, the administrators send emails to teachers all damn day. Dozens of emails. Long dumb conversations by people who clearly have nothing better to do. He gets sideways with them often over this, b/c one or another will say, "I sent you an email about [blank] at 11 this morning" and he gets infuriated with them. I know he wants to bark at one or another of them, "Listen, moron, I'm teaching STUDENTS all day and I don't have time to follow your stupid freaking emails that are meaningless anyway! What in the hell do you think I'm doing at 11:00 a.m.????"

But I think he just says, "I don't have time to check email during the day. I will look at it tonight when I get home."

eta: when he was in public school and got a meal period (22 minutes, at least) and a planning period, he probably did look at his email. He gets no meal period at this charter and planning time? Yeah, they never heard of it. So not putting teachers down who are able to look at their email now and again during the day. I wish he was one of them.

Yeah, that most definitely sucks. Cut those folks a break! :(

I'm really starting to loathe administrators. Loathe them. A lot of the emails my teachers got were from administrators, though of course I'm not certain how trivial they were.

[forever ago]

Oh, I check my (school provided) email frequently, for updates and such. Checking blog comments while students are in the room is grounds for reprimand, though.

Indeed. If you really have free time, find something else to do. Leave personal business at home, away from school.

[Jencendiary]

From one teacher to another, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, CHECKING BLOG COMMENTS WHILE CHILDREN ARE IN YOUR CARE AS AN EDUCATOR?!?!?! You make the entire profession look bad, you dumb cow.

See, I don't think this is as bad as all that. My sister works with older kids (9th & 12th graders) and keeps up with texts & facebook in the downtime they have doing their group activities. It's a few seconds every few hours, and not really anything to pitch a fit over.

[keeperrox]

See, I don't think this is as bad as all that. My sister works with older kids (9th & 12th graders) and keeps up with texts & facebook in the downtime they have doing their group activities. It's a few seconds every few hours, and not really anything to pitch a fit over.

Excuse me, what? Your sister is using school time and school equipment to check texts and her Facebook? And you want me to think she's NOT a bad teacher? I've taught both high school (from 2004-2008) and middle school (currently), and it is NOT appropriate to be doing these things, regardless of the age group. This is why the general public is up in arms about public schools and public school teachers, and in instances like this, rightfully so. If your sister can't tear herself away from her phone or Facebook for 6-7 hours, then she should find another line of work. The students shouldn't have to compete for her attention over things like that. Group activities aren't a time for teachers to sit on their asses and do their own thing. They should be circulating throughout the room and keeping things on task. I'm sure if the administration knew what she was doing, they wouldn't be happy. If I were a parent whose child came home and said Mrs. So-and-so was frequently checking her Facebook and texting during class, I'd be on the phone faster than you could blink. I don't claim to be teacher of the year, but your sister needs to rethink her actions.

[forever ago]

There's a whole bunch of employees in various fields who check texts and interweb things when they get a chance. It would be annoying if the students were doing individual or group activities (though I'm one of those students who freezes and chokes up when a teacher walks by while I'm taking a test and wishes they'd fuck off and go check Facebook instead), but seriously, if it's their downtime and aren't in charge of students...

FWIW, one of my English teachers did wind up deactivating her Facebook account. She said things were a lot easier after that. I don't think she checked it during class time, though, and she was usually doing something during planning and lunch.

[keeperrox]

There's a whole bunch of employees in various fields who check texts and interweb things when they get a chance. It would be annoying if the students were doing individual or group activities (though I'm one of those students who freezes and chokes up when a teacher walks by while I'm taking a test and wishes they'd fuck off and go check Facebook instead), but seriously, if it's their downtime and aren't in charge of students...

FWIW, one of my English teachers did wind up deactivating her Facebook account. She said things were a lot easier after that. I don't think she checked it during class time, though, and she was usually doing something during planning and lunch.

Both the original post I was responding to AND the post by Jendicary said teachers are doing this while students are in their rooms. That is NOT okay by any stretch of the imagination. You do not plan individual or group activities to give yourself downtime. In fact, when I taught social studies, it was a more difficult lesson to teach than guided notes or lecture/discussion, because I was in constant motion. Now that I teach a hands on class, other than the first 5 minutes or so of direct instruction, the entire class is spent on individual or group work. That doesn't mean I'm sitting at my desk twiddling my thumbs. I'm up, giving small group instruction, redirecting, assisting, and WORKING with the students. I don't give a shit what teachers do during their lunch or planning periods, but you do not do that while teaching. Period. And you won't find a good educator who will tell you otherwise.

[treemom]

Excuse me, what? Your sister is using school time and school equipment to check texts and her Facebook? And you want me to think she's NOT a bad teacher? I've taught both high school (from 2004-2008) and middle school (currently), and it is NOT appropriate to be doing these things, regardless of the age group. This is why the general public is up in arms about public schools and public school teachers, and in instances like this, rightfully so. If your sister can't tear herself away from her phone or Facebook for 6-7 hours, then she should find another line of work. The students shouldn't have to compete for her attention over things like that. Group activities aren't a time for teachers to sit on their asses and do their own thing. They should be circulating throughout the room and keeping things on task. I'm sure if the administration knew what she was doing, they wouldn't be happy. If I were a parent whose child came home and said Mrs. So-and-so was frequently checking her Facebook and texting during class, I'd be on the phone faster than you could blink. I don't claim to be teacher of the year, but your sister needs to rethink her actions.

For the record, as a parent, it doesn't bother me if teachers do these things. If it was a massive amount yes, but a few stolen minutes here and there...WTF would I care if the classroom managment, etc is working.

Teacher's aren't martyrs for God's sakes. They shouldn't somehow be magically required to give a shit about their job more than we do.