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I was at a fundie lite wedding today!


Mela99

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I have only been to one secular wedding. I was shocked to see how different it was: drinking and dancing (not that I could drink because my parents were with me, and they were real sticks in the mud about everything.) There were still board games while we waited for the food.

Seventh Day Adventist weddings do not include dancing or drinking. I haven't been to too many weddings in my life, partly because my parents moved us to the middle of nowhere where I had no friends, and most of the friends I have now that I've moved are unmarried. Normally an Adventist wedding will have the ceremony, the reception (the ones I've gone to always had a full meal) and then they send off The Happy Couple by throwing birdseed at the car.

One wedding I went to was a disaster. It was a Seventh Day Adventist wedding. The bride and groom are conservative, possibly bordering fundy lite, but that depends on your definition. The couple had courted, but not as we think of it here. J and J were allowed to spend time alone together discussing things. It didn't really differ from normal dating except there was no physical touch involved, not even handholding.

The bride made her own dress, and, while it did look nice, it also looked kinda... well, whatever. Some women don't want a typical wedding dress, I guess.

The word obey was not in the wedding vows. However, the minister was way out of line. I'm not sure how the bride felt about it, but I know the groom is a very private person and was thoroughly embarrassed. The minister said, "J and J are building their relationship from the bottom up rather than the top down, by focusing on getting to know each other and saving sex until marriage. In fact, not only have J and J never had sex, they've never even so much as kissed. We are going to watch them have their first kiss right now!"

It was one of the most embarrassing things I've ever had to watch. She wanted to kiss, he didn't. They ended up rubbing noses until the pastor stepped in and said, "ok, I'm sure that's quite enough."

Afterward there was a meal of soup in bread bowls and fanciful arrangements of vegetables, all prepared by the bride and the mother in law. It was a really good meal. They had pie instead of cake.

Actually, I really loved the meal. What I didn't love was having to watch their first "kiss" and have the state of their virginity announced to everyone. At this time, I was still a Christian, and even sort of conservative, but even then it really bothered me.

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No, they are the youth ministers. They start a flashy new program every year or so, then it sort of fades away. The church has a reputation as a cult, so the only youth they have are kids of church members & sometimes their friends if they're new to the area. (One of my kids classmates was all excited about the cool new church she found & invited my kid. My kid laughed out loud on hearing the name. Their dad is still deeply involved, but my kids won't go unless he guilts them.)

Of course everyone accepts the former drug dealer because Jeebus! He's one of the most popular men in the church, despite never having held down a real job. He never finished high school, but they flock to hear "P-Jay" (Pastor J----) preach.

Not long before I left the church, she was pregnant with her second son, they were living in her childhood bedroom, & the preacher stood up one Sunday morning & said "I'm tired of keeping them up, ya'll are gonna do it." He took up "love offerings" for them almost every Sunday after that.

The guy's dad works for the state DOT, maintaining roads & bridges. He's a supervisor & makes big bucks. He got Pastor Druggie a good-paying job with state benefits, but Pastor father-in-law made him turn it down, because it meant working on Sunday. Not long after that, they were named youth pastors (ousting another couple who'd been doing it free for years) & put on the payroll.

You have to understand the dynamics of that church: if you don't agree with something the preacher does, you either leave or keep your mouth shut. Again, not long before I left, the pastor proposed a measure that states he can never be voted out or forced to resign, & that all of his decisions are final & not to be questioned. It passed unanimously.

I am dying to google this place.

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Fundie weddings are that way I think because it's custom. They're taught to conform and being lavish or different would occasion talk. Generally they're of the original Duggar save money frame of mind. In some fundie churches around here money management is talked about as much or more than theology. To have what to them would be an extravagant wedding would be materialistic, a waste, and alcohol and dancing would be sinful. A common saying is the wedding is but a day but the marriage is forever.

Where I grew up in fundie country, a sit down dinner would have been talked about for literally years. It would have been so out of the ordinary as to be considered extremely gauche. I attended the wedding of the daughter of the wealthiest man in town at that time and she only went so far as to add finger sandwiches to the cake, punch, nuts, and mints menu. Even that drew some comment as to acceptability.

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For what it's worth, if the headship and I hadn't eloped, I'm not sure I would have had alcohol at my wedding, either. Not because we're fundy, but because neither one of us drinks.

Although, I don't think I would have prohibited it, either...maybe just told guests they could bring it if they wanted it. Is there some sort of protocol to follow when it comes to a dry wedding with optional alcohol?

I'd want my guests to be happy, but wouldn't want to shell out for liquor if I wasn't going to drink it.

Have a cash bar! Guests can pay for their own drinks. just tell them beforehand so they come prepared :-)

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Are people really actually disappointed if they go to a reception and there's no open bar and DJ? Why does every reception have to follow this model? To be honest, I don't like dancing, so if I ever get married that's not the kind of reception I want to have... hopefully my guests will forgive me. :?

Personally I would have booze at my reception, but I don't think people should be judged if they don't. Why can't the bride and groom just do what THEY want? It's their wedding, after all. If they want their reception to be a cake and punch affair, what's the issue?

I think it really depends on the area. Where I live, huge massive weddings (sadly) are the norm. If you do anything differently you are looked at as weird or different :-(. Its either you a do a courthouse thing with no reception or the whole shebang!

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:lol: Same in Austria. Our weddings start around 10:00/11:00 am with wine and beer and end around 4am/5am with shots and more beer.

In rural Austria its still a tradition to cater to the people on the street (who are just onlookers) with wine and little pastries and other baked goods.

I remember that my parents put about 250$ in an envelope as a present to the bride and groom. 100$ for each working adult and 25$ for the little kids. That’s the way the wedding gets paid.

When you arrive at the brides or grooms house, at around 10am, you will get gulasch or sausages. Then after the ceremony you will get a three course lunch/dinner. And at midnight there is a big buffet.

And all the time you can drink wine and beer and non alcoholic drinks for free.

As does most of North America :-) aside from likely the bible belt and Salt Lake city!

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In the NW it seems more like weddings tend to be whatever the couple wants, with the thought of try to make the reception fun for everyone. Of course there are some exceptions, but I've only been to a few drawn out and boring ceremonies.

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I have only been to one wedding without booze - and that was when some friends of mine got married at 20. It was still a lovely wedding, but the brides family was all mormon so it was conservative (bride was not mormon however). But I will say - booze does add a little something to a wedding.

I don't have a very conservative group of friends, or a very conservative family. So most weddings have either been non-denominational Christian or liberal Catholic, or not religious at all. My group of friends also REALLY enjoys booze LOL

My wedding to XH was small and simple, but we had awesome food, good music and an open bar. Best decision ever. If I get married again, I will have a TINY wedding (like 15 people max) on the beach, then go to an awesome restaraunt where we can all eat and drink to our hearts content.

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Also, in my area, $30,000 is considered average for a wedding, and many many many people I know have spent more than that (not any of my close friends, but aquaintances). I spent $8,000 on my wedding, and I felt ridiculous about that (for 70 people) but that was the best we could find. Im so glad I wont feel pressure to have a traditional wedding the next time around.

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....$30,000....average!? As in a lot of people spend more than that?

:o :o :o

I can't.

I did go to the fundie wedding of my show-choir teacher in HS. It was sit down, no dancing(even though she directed show choir!), no alcohol, mediocre food. Very, very boring.

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Have a cash bar! Guests can pay for their own drinks. just tell them beforehand so they come prepared :-)

That could totally work! I had this discussion with the headship and asked what he thought, and he was actually in favor of the alcohol (again, he doesn't drink), but then said something about limiting it to one shot of hard liquor per adult guest with no other alcohol. I looked at him like :evil-eye: . Even I think that would be strange, I figure it's either all or nothing with drinks at the bar, unless the couple chose to serve only bottles of wine.

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That could totally work! I had this discussion with the headship and asked what he thought, and he was actually in favor of the alcohol (again, he doesn't drink), but then said something about limiting it to one shot of hard liquor per adult guest with no other alcohol. I looked at him like :evil-eye: . Even I think that would be strange, I figure it's either all or nothing with drinks at the bar, unless the couple chose to serve only bottles of wine.

We had two kinds of beer and brandy shots for free. My parents-in-law paid for that and for all the drinks for the immediate families and wedding party. Anything else was a cash bar.

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That could totally work! I had this discussion with the headship and asked what he thought, and he was actually in favor of the alcohol (again, he doesn't drink), but then said something about limiting it to one shot of hard liquor per adult guest with no other alcohol. I looked at him like :evil-eye: . Even I think that would be strange, I figure it's either all or nothing with drinks at the bar, unless the couple chose to serve only bottles of wine.

I coudn't get myself comfortable w/ a cash bar and I was a little waffle-y on serving at all (my family has a lot of alcoholics. Still alcoholics and 'recovered'--but it still had the 'Grandpa has been OK for 15 years...but one of these days, he won't be' thought [i don't expect most people to backslide. He...well, I expected him to. I was *WRONG*, he was 23 years sober when he died, but I didn't know that yet :wink-penguin: ]. So we just did a morning wedding and did lunch instead of dinner. Cheaper, less pressure for alcohol, and the young folks had an after-party hosted by my [er, former, I guess as of that day] roomie, where there was lots of alcohol to be had.

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We had a reception lunch and provided beer, wine and soda. If there were any complaints, they never made it to me ;)

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....$30,000....average!? As in a lot of people spend more than that?

:o :o :o

I can't.

I did go to the fundie wedding of my show-choir teacher in HS. It was sit down, no dancing(even though she directed show choir!), no alcohol, mediocre food. Very, very boring.

This is true in my area also- I am currently planning a wedding and we set a budget of 25K, which is going to be difficult to stay at. Your biggest costs are food+ alcohol ( cash bars are totally taboo here, its better not to have any alcohol than cash bar IMO).

Having a huge wedding with open bar is the norm here in Chicago

My fundie-ish cousin had a backyard bbq, no drinking no dancing. It was also on 4th of july weekend. If I was an adult at the time I would have been bored out of my skull, but I was a kid and had my cousins to play with so I was fine

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This is true in my area also- I am currently planning a wedding and we set a budget of 25K, which is going to be difficult to stay at. Your biggest costs are food+ alcohol ( cash bars are totally taboo here, its better not to have any alcohol than cash bar IMO).

Having a huge wedding with open bar is the norm here in Chicago

Same here. Huge families on both sides, and an open bar was a must especially since FH and i made a lot of (mostly my) family upset we are having a full mass. Yay Catholics! We've got 225 on the guest list. The $30k we have is a lot and we are getting a fabulous deal, but it still seems like it's going quickly.

I 100% agree that no bar is better than a cash bar. Generally at least in my area, there is a cash bar elsewhere on premises (depending on your venue). My friend had a dry Muslim wedding at a hotel, but people just went to the lobby bar and bought their own drinks, which was no big deal.

Good luck with your planning!!! :)

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Same here. Huge families on both sides, and an open bar was a must especially since FH and i made a lot of (mostly my) family upset we are having a full mass. Yay Catholics! We've got 225 on the guest list. The $30k we have is a lot and we are getting a fabulous deal, but it still seems like it's going quickly.

I 100% agree that no bar is better than a cash bar. Generally at least in my area, there is a cash bar elsewhere on premises (depending on your venue). My friend had a dry Muslim wedding at a hotel, but people just went to the lobby bar and bought their own drinks, which was no big deal.

Good luck with your planning!!! :)

Thanks! Same to you :-) 225! Thats a sizeable wedding so I can only imagine how fast the 30K must be going! Isn't it such a racket this wedding industry? I joke with FI that we need to quit our jobs and start a chivaris chair rental business

We have 25K for approx 150-175 and that is going super quickly as well.

You better have your guests pregame if your doing full mass (haha jk) despite our irish/italian catholic families we def steered in the other direction on the church issue

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I joke with FI that we need to quit our jobs and start a chivaris chair rental business

In the early 80s, I managed a tux shop. Hubs and I considered buying said shop and starting a wedding business that covered everything, but we were in our 20s and apparently too risk averse. Were I able to go back and time and give my younger self advice, I'd say "go for it"

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In the early 80s, I managed a tux shop. Hubs and I considered buying said shop and starting a wedding business that covered everything, but we were in our 20s and apparently too risk averse. Were I able to go back and time and give my younger self advice, I'd say "go for it"

Seriously!! You could have been a millionaire! You could overcharge for weddings (vs senior dances ect) and people would still pay it!

With the chairs is was ridiculous, they charged 8 dollars a chair plus a 200 dollar fee to deliver and pick up.

So if me and FI were wanting special chairs we could have paid 1500-2000 dollars. for chairs. for 4 hours.

I said eff that and am making my wedding colors match the free chairs haha :-)

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