I was at a fundie lite wedding today!

[Mela99]

I kinda wanna pose the question now:

how can I assure that my fairly Catholic wedding (no mass, and plenty of booze) doesn't turn into a lamefest?

[redcurls]

The most memorable is the wedding of my old preacher's 16 year old daughter, 7 months pregnant in a custom-made maternity wedding dress (ivory, not white!) & long veil, to her 20-something drug-dealer baby daddy. 13 years & 3 kids later, they are paid full-time co-youth pastors at the same church, because he couldn't hold down a regular job & she wanted to be a stay-at-home mommy. It's surprising they only have 3, because according to her they never used any type of birth control.

Now I'm curious! Are the positions in name only or do they actually work with youth? Do they cause lots of gossip and scandal now? I'm imagining a church with a drug dealing youth minister lol

[morfydd]

I'd have happily skipped over it to see if he would pronouce us married or not.

Obey wasn't in my wedding, in my mother's (in 56) and I don't think in her mother's in the 30s.

It's been years, and I'm reluctant to make up half-forgotten details, but IIRC she was still very upset at the reception. She really had been afraid if she didn't repeat it, the pastor would refuse to marry them, and this was a very expensive, semi-high-society wedding. And her husband and father were *furious* and at least considering not paying the pastor. But, you know, then there's the concern about retaliation in their church community, and... yeah. It was a shame. *And* the groom was having to go around apologizing to his (pagan, LGBT, feminist gamer-geek) friends for the unexpected sermon, at his own reception. (Ok, he didn't have to, but it was good of him to do so, and we were all outraged on their behalf.)

[snarkopolis]

I kinda wanna pose the question now:

how can I assure that my fairly Catholic wedding (no mass, and plenty of booze) doesn't turn into a lamefest?

You have booze? You're safe, unless some of my relatives show up. Put the police on speed dial just in case :D

[nokidsmom]

You have booze? You're safe, unless some of my relatives show up. Put the police on speed dial just in case :D

Booze is important. Really. My wedding was without an open bar because my parents, who were paying for things, refused to pay for an open bar. They would allow it (yes, they did use the word "allow" to a 24 year old bride and 28 year bridegroom) if Mr. N and I paid for it. Of course, they knew we didn't have the money so that was a moot point. They did allow a champagne toast and wine carafes at the table. Most of my wedding party disappeared to hang out at the restaurant bar. Between that and being stuck posing for pictures the whole time by an aggressive photographer so we did no socializing and it was honestly a lamefest for just us. This is where I wish we married at the court house instead.

At least we didn't have a long drawn out church service. So I would think no mass and booze, you are pretty good.

ETA: Mr. N and I are hitting 30 years next April and I plan on having a real party! Open bar included.

[CynicMom]

If you're going to spend money on something, I'd spend it on an open bar and a nice DJ. The reception is always so much better than the wedding because that's when everyone shows their love for the couple by the level of their partying.

[Nothing2CHere]

Booze is important. Really. My wedding was without an bar because my parents, who were paying for things, refused to pay for an open bar. They would allow it (yes, they did use the word "allow" to a 24 year old bride and 28 year bridegroom) if Mr. N and I paid for it. Of course, they knew we didn't have the money so that was a moot point. They did allow a champagne toast and wine carafes at the table. Most of my wedding party disappeared to hang out at the restaurant bar. Between that and being stuck posing for pictures the whole time by an aggressive photographer so we did no socializing and it was honestly a lamefest for just us. This is where I wish we married at the court house instead.

At least we didn't have a long drawn out church service. So I would think no mass and booze, you are pretty good.

As someone else who had a good old Catholic reception (complete with one relative dancing on the bar, and two other relatives arguing at the end of the night over which one was too drunk to drive home [answer = they both were]), yeah, if you've got booze you're good. Make sure you're also serving good food and cake, too.

When I was in high school I went through a teetotaler phase. Not that I had previously been boozing it up (I was a 16 year old nerd who spent Saturday nights hanging out at the local coffee shop), but I had gotten heavily involved in my school's DARE group and told my Catholic relatives that when I got married, my reception was going to be dry. My relatives laughed and said that they'd bring their own booze if that was the case.

[singsingsing]

Are people really actually disappointed if they go to a reception and there's no open bar and DJ? Why does every reception have to follow this model? To be honest, I don't like dancing, so if I ever get married that's not the kind of reception I want to have... hopefully my guests will forgive me. :?

Personally I would have booze at my reception, but I don't think people should be judged if they don't. Why can't the bride and groom just do what THEY want? It's their wedding, after all. If they want their reception to be a cake and punch affair, what's the issue?

[nokidsmom]

Are people really actually disappointed if they go to a reception and there's no open bar and DJ? Why does every reception have to follow this model? To be honest, I don't like dancing, so if I ever get married that's not the kind of reception I want to have... hopefully my guests will forgive me. :?

Personally I would have booze at my reception, but I don't think people should be judged if they don't. Why can't the bride and groom just do what THEY want? It's their wedding, after all. If they want their reception to be a cake and punch affair, what's the issue?

Do agree that it's up the couple but how other guests take it is probably going to depend on the guest, maybe how weddings have been done in their family, circle of friends, their area, things like that. Seems that the punch and cake receptions are big with fundies, but in my heavily Catholic area, big weddings with booze were the norm so a dry wedding might seem weird.

Still as a guest, I think that if one accepts a wedding invitation, then one should be gracious about attending it and not expect the wedding to conform to their own expectations, and therefore "disappointment".

[formergothardite]

My wedding was fundie lite. :lol: No drinking, dancing, small reception at the church. We couldn't have afforded a to have a bigger wedding with booze and dancing even if we had wanted it. The cake tasted really good, though. So there was that.

[louisa05]

Are people really actually disappointed if they go to a reception and there's no open bar and DJ? Why does every reception have to follow this model? To be honest, I don't like dancing, so if I ever get married that's not the kind of reception I want to have... hopefully my guests will forgive me. :?

Personally I would have booze at my reception, but I don't think people should be judged if they don't. Why can't the bride and groom just do what THEY want? It's their wedding, after all. If they want their reception to be a cake and punch affair, what's the issue?

My issue with food is that if you have an evening reception, ffs, feed people dinner. I've been to more than one cake and punch reception that was at meal time. And one appetizer reception with tiny dessert plates at dinner time. Personally, I find it totally lacking in hospitality to starve guests at any event. When we told people we were having a full buffet at our reception, though, I had some people going on about how weddings are too expensive and they had or would have just appetizers or whatever and we were buying into the wedding industrial complex. We weren't. We just didn't want to starve our guests. And, fortunately for us, we had access to a venue where food was on site, excellent and $16 a person including tax and gratuity. But after all the fussing I heard before, people were saying thank you to us while they went through the food line.

And no matter what, make sure there is food for the wedding party. Do not drag women around to manicures, reception hall decorating, make-up and photos from 7 a.m. until your 3 p.m. wedding with no time for food and just give them some Ritz crackers between photos and the ceremony. Trust me. That happened to me once. And another one didn't even have the crackers.

[singsingsing]

Oh, I totally agree that you need to feed people appropriately. If you're doing a cake/punch thing, make sure it's not overlapping the dinner hour. There always has to be a balance between what the bride and groom want and the needs of the guests. If you're inviting people to an event you're hosting, you have to make sure they're taken care of.

[blue_the_puppy]

it wasn't a fundie wedding, but at my cousin's lutheran wedding there was a mention of how "they're" trying to change the meaning of marriage so that it's no longer one man and one woman. that got a huge :roll: from me.

im getting married in a few weeks (yay!). we haven't figured out the ceremony, vows, etc. yet but can guarantee you there will be no mention of virginity or obeying my husband.

and i can't WAIT to sink my teeth into that cake.

[FeministShrew]

Now I'm curious! Are the positions in name only or do they actually work with youth? Do they cause lots of gossip and scandal now? I'm imagining a church with a drug dealing youth minister lol

No, they are the youth ministers. They start a flashy new program every year or so, then it sort of fades away. The church has a reputation as a cult, so the only youth they have are kids of church members & sometimes their friends if they're new to the area. (One of my kids classmates was all excited about the cool new church she found & invited my kid. My kid laughed out loud on hearing the name. Their dad is still deeply involved, but my kids won't go unless he guilts them.)

Of course everyone accepts the former drug dealer because Jeebus! He's one of the most popular men in the church, despite never having held down a real job. He never finished high school, but they flock to hear "P-Jay" (Pastor J----) preach.

Not long before I left the church, she was pregnant with her second son, they were living in her childhood bedroom, & the preacher stood up one Sunday morning & said "I'm tired of keeping them up, ya'll are gonna do it." He took up "love offerings" for them almost every Sunday after that.

The guy's dad works for the state DOT, maintaining roads & bridges. He's a supervisor & makes big bucks. He got Pastor Druggie a good-paying job with state benefits, but Pastor father-in-law made him turn it down, because it meant working on Sunday. Not long after that, they were named youth pastors (ousting another couple who'd been doing it free for years) & put on the payroll.

You have to understand the dynamics of that church: if you don't agree with something the preacher does, you either leave or keep your mouth shut. Again, not long before I left, the pastor proposed a measure that states he can never be voted out or forced to resign, & that all of his decisions are final & not to be questioned. It passed unanimously.

[Mela99]

Booze is important. Really. My wedding was without an open bar because my parents, who were paying for things, refused to pay for an open bar. They would allow it (yes, they did use the word "allow" to a 24 year old bride and 28 year bridegroom) if Mr. N and I paid for it. Of course, they knew we didn't have the money so that was a moot point. They did allow a champagne toast and wine carafes at the table. Most of my wedding party disappeared to hang out at the restaurant bar. Between that and being stuck posing for pictures the whole time by an aggressive photographer so we did no socializing and it was honestly a lamefest for just us. This is where I wish we married at the court house instead.

At least we didn't have a long drawn out church service. So I would think no mass and booze, you are pretty good.

ETA: Mr. N and I are hitting 30 years next April and I plan on having a real party! Open bar included.

We are having an open bar for beer and wine, and two signature cocktails - a bride's choice and a groom's choice, a buffet, a candy buffet, and a three tier cake with every layer a different flavor.

[infooverload]

Honestly I think it depends on the budget and what people can afford. At my wedding it was 4 pm in the and the hottest damn day of the year. We had an outdoor wedding in a friends backyard. The weather was over a hundred and we live in the NW. Most people were trying not to melt and trying to find shade. Luckily for us my brother is a chef and agreed to cater for the 60 people we invited for a $100. We ordered the cake because he doesn't bake which was fine with us. My brother came through amazingly for us and we served our guest bbq meatballs, chicken skewers, mixed fresh fruit and veggies, along with a speciality cake we ordered. The cake had two flavors marionberry poppyseed for one layer and a second layer was peanute butter banana bread. For drinks it was water and soda, and we were too damn broke to afford drinks. My sister-in-law made a comment about us being "cheapskates" since we weren't buying alcohol for the guest. We planned our wedding in six weeks and paid for almost everything ourselves. Not to mention I was pregnant at the time and we were going to have to move and had a baby coming. She knew all this and even though she said she was joking I was irritated she said anything.

As far as the ceremony we had an opening prayer, few things words were said by the officiant, then the vows and rings, tied up with a closing prayer. The entire ceremony lasted around 20 minutes. I remember friends of my husband showing up a half an hour late and they were like we missed the whole thing. We told them yeah we started on time since it is flippin hot as hell out here. I had attended on my guest weddings who came I remember we waited almost an hour after the ceremony was suppose to start. The chapel was so dark and boring. No one told the guest anything. Later we found out while trying to put her dress on the zipper broke and they had to franctically fix it. Another friend got married after we did and had a quick outdoor wedding and her wedding was shorter than mine. I swear was like a 10 minute wedding and then they had Azteca cater so no one left hungry. I tend to think outdoor weddings seem to lend themselves to shorter time frames, or at least that has been my experience. In the church there is this tendency to drag it out with sermons, worshipping and prayers. On a side note am I the only one who really detest "worship." Basically a group of people who can't sing all singing off key together to God. Give me a choir and listening respectfully any day. I hate having to sing no matter the venue.

[singsingsing]

I don't think the point of 'worship' as opposed to a choir is to sound good - it's to sing about/praise God. You don't have to sing, you can mouth the words or just stand there respectfully.

[salsa]

I used to know a couple who went to the JP specifically to avoid the religious language and such. The JP proceeded to give all kinds of flowery Bible verses and a sermon and at the end of the ceremony, he told the groom that he could "violate (her) temple."

[louisa05]

My church wedding had no congregational singing.

We actually had professional opera singers do the singing. And it didn't cost us one cent. :D

[YPestis]

Can anyone tell me why fundie and fundie-lite weddings have a tendency to be punch and cake affairs? Is there a belief that anything too fancy or costly would be "sinful"? Or is it that fundies tend to have huge invitation lists and can't afford to feed everyone? I'm honestly curious.

I agree with above posters that weddings should be arranged to ensure guests are taken care of. If no food is provided, then make sure the reception does not overlap with meal time. No guests should be forced to starve! I'd also add that if there are out of town guests, it's reasonable to provide dinner for them (i.e they flew in to see you, you should sit down to dinner with them as a way to thank them for coming).

[Milly-Molly-Mandy]

I think Australians would riot if they were at a wedding with no alcohol.

We had cocktails, beer, wine, spirits & non-alcoholic beverages. If you can't afford alcohol for 100 guests, have 30 (we did, because we wanted a small wedding but yay it was cheaper too $5000 for 30 people's alcohol and food which was a 3 course, 3 choice menu)

[Florenz]

I think Australians would riot if they were at a wedding with no alcohol.

:lol: Same in Austria. Our weddings start around 10:00/11:00 am with wine and beer and end around 4am/5am with shots and more beer.

In rural Austria its still a tradition to cater to the people on the street (who are just onlookers) with wine and little pastries and other baked goods.

I remember that my parents put about 250$ in an envelope as a present to the bride and groom. 100$ for each working adult and 25$ for the little kids. That’s the way the wedding gets paid.

When you arrive at the brides or grooms house, at around 10am, you will get gulasch or sausages. Then after the ceremony you will get a three course lunch/dinner. And at midnight there is a big buffet.

And all the time you can drink wine and beer and non alcoholic drinks for free.

[mrs]

My issue with food is that if you have an evening reception, ffs, feed people dinner. I've been to more than one cake and punch reception that was at meal time. And one appetizer reception with tiny dessert plates at dinner time. Personally, I find it totally lacking in hospitality to starve guests at any event. When we told people we were having a full buffet at our reception, though, I had some people going on about how weddings are too expensive and they had or would have just appetizers or whatever and we were buying into the wedding industrial complex. We weren't. We just didn't want to starve our guests. And, fortunately for us, we had access to a venue where food was on site, excellent and $16 a person including tax and gratuity. But after all the fussing I heard before, people were saying thank you to us while they went through the food line.

And no matter what, make sure there is food for the wedding party. Do not drag women around to manicures, reception hall decorating, make-up and photos from 7 a.m. until your 3 p.m. wedding with no time for food and just give them some Ritz crackers between photos and the ceremony. Trust me. That happened to me once. And another one didn't even have the crackers.

I think it totally depends on the situation. You sound like you want to have something that matches your personality. And your family and friends will respect that because they love you!

In my personal experience I attended a very SELFISH wedding a few years ago. The bride an expensive designer gown(bragged about it allover Facebook) from a high-end well known store. She also had a great photographer (that was VERY expensive)! But she decided to save money by having the wedding on a weekday night. It was not a local wedding for the families or her friends. Everyone had to travel cross country and take off work to attend. She also, “saved†by having a cash bar. She was a very poor host and it really showed her in a negative light because she was only worried about herself. It also didn't help that she bragged about her designer ring, gown, and costly photographer repeatedly all over social media. She didn't have a “small†budget she just decided to allocate her money in a very selfish way.

I have been to weddings that are on a budget .Most of those weddings have been awesome, even without alcohol or dinner. The bride and groom of budget weddings really want to have a wedding to share with their family and friends and you can see that reflected in the wedding day itself. It would be easy for the couple to just elope or have a private ceremony but, they want to involve their loves and make it happen. :)

Not feeding the wedding party is disaster waiting to happen.

Edited to remove some info.

[nokidsmom]

We are having an open bar for beer and wine, and two signature cocktails - a bride's choice and a groom's choice, a buffet, a candy buffet, and a three tier cake with every layer a different flavor.

What you are planning sounds cool. The open bar for beer, wine and the 2 cocktails is a great idea.

And I totally love the cake with different flavors.

[OgrePrincess]

Y'know what's really fun? Following your church's rules about alcohol and dancing at weddings, and then finding out the pastor's niece was allowed those things - in the very same building - a week after your own boring party. I've long since left that church, changed denominations, and divorced the wannabe patriarchal nincompoop, but the hypocrisy and double standard still frosts my cookies.