my wife married the "wrong" person...marriage nonsense

[wtylcf]

crossshapedstuff.com/2013/06/04/how-i-know-my-wife-married-the-wrong-person/

selected quotations...

[...] And after two years, there’s no hiding behind the dinner-and-a-movie façade of dating life any longer. I can’t buy enough flowers to conceal it. I can’t open enough doors. I can’t say enough “I love you’s.†She knows (and painfully, so do I) that she married the wrong person.

Allow me to humbly explain (before she reads this). For quite some time now, there has been a myth floating around our idealistic individualistic society. A myth that claims that marriage will only work when you find your “smoking-hot, high-class, filthy rich, love-at-first-sight, sexually compatible, accept-me-as-I-am, Titanic-Notebook-Sweet-Home-Alabama-Twilight-esque, soul mate.â€

Don’t believe me? Look at the message Hollywood communicates; look at the empirical evidence pointing to later and fewer marriages; research studies suggest this is a primary factor that holds men and women back from marital commitment – they just haven’t found their soul mate. They believe in their heart of hearts that their match-made-in-heaven is still out there, somewhere.

Much could be said about where this mindset came from, but let’s just leave it at this – Singles today (and most married couples too) are searching for super-spouses that simply don’t exist. People expect far too much from their spouse in all the wrong areas.

That’s why I know beyond doubt, at least by society’s standards, that Lindsay married the wrong person. I’ll never be quite as smart as a New York Times Best Seller. I’ll never make a six digit paycheck. I’ll never electrify the bedroom in the way our pornographic media culture broadcasts as the norm. I’ll never understand her quite as well as we both wish I would. I’ll continue to make mistakes. I’ll get angry over silly stuff. I’ll forget to do the dishes. I’ll raise my voice when I shouldn’t. I’ll let pride get the best of me. And I’ll probably think of myself far more often than I should… Oh yeah, and my younger days as a part-time body-builder, part-time male-model, full-time Matthew McConaughey stunt double are over. I retired this January. (Are you drowning in my self-pity yet? I am.) Look, I’m not an astrophysicist. I’m not a movie star. I’m not a billionaire. I’m just Tyler. And Tyler does not meet the standards of the Real Housewives of Louisville.

So what then is the solution? What do you do when you find yourself in a relationship with the “wrong person?†Well here are a few things you could try:

(1) Every time your significant other falls short, find another. On to the next one. Then when they fall short, and they will, do it again. And again. And then again. Forgiveness is futile. Reconciliation, pointless. If they were your soul mate they’d never make those kind of mistakes. If they really loved you, they would’ve thought before they acted. Of course, there will be significant emotional baggage to carry with each new sexual partner. Or there will be financial fallout from dividing your wealth over and over. Or your kids may grow up with a distorted view of parenting or marriage. But sooner or later you’re bound to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, right? And they’ll be perfect, right?

(2) Try it before you buy it. Test drive it. See if the chemistry is there and the sparks fly. Cohabitate. Allow someone into your life at the highest degree of vulnerability, and give them this priceless delicate gift without asking them to commit to you past tomorrow morning. Maybe in the process you’ll find your soul mate. Let’s just hope they agree.

(3) Avoid it all. Make it girls’ night out every weekend. Feed your appetite for sex when it’s hungry, for community with drinking buddies, but don’t let anyone too close. Marriage is old news anyways. Commitment is so Generation X. No strings attached. Lock your heart up in an “iron-clad dungeon†where no one can reach it, and allow it to grow “motionless, unbreakable, and impenetrable.†Then no one will ever break it… or capture it.

(4) Or, whether you buy the biblical view of marriage or not, realize that love takes hard work. And that, as long as you limit the field to human beings, you’ll never marry the “right person.†Because there are no 100% “right people.†Sin’s presence in the world guarantees it. There are only wrong people who pretend to be right and wrong people who are becoming right, through Jesus. That’s why I like the biblical image of marriage. The fairy-tale image of two soul mates finding love at last is just that, a fairy tale. But the biblical image of marriage provides something so much more beautifully realistic.

I feel that the argument he's setting up here is a total straw man. He is depicting the sort of relationship where both parties, religious or not, expect that they themselves are so wonderful and incredible that someone totally mind-blowing will come along and sweep them off their feet and make their lives into a Hollywood romance. In real life, I have found the opposite problem to be more common. People settle for being treated like shit far too easily, because most people lack the kind of confidence that makes them believe they can find their personal Adonis-millionaire-Mensa member. And the kind of people who THINK they are all that and more, the kind of people who dump others for not being "good enough" for them, are usually narcissistic assholes who you don't want to be in a long-term relationship with anyway.

I have known several lovely women who have settled for lazy, unkind cheaters, because they don't have the confidence they will find anything better. I have witnessed a divorce where it was SO OBVIOUS the couple was mis-matched, but which was still incredibly painful because they both tried to make it work for so long. I have seen men with women who were rude, manipulative and narcissistic, and wondered how their relationship could possibly be worthwhile or at all enjoyable. People usually want to be a part of a couple, to partner up, and make it work. One of the ONLY times I have observed where someone broke up with another for not being their "ideal" was a religious couple. The girl broke it off with the guy because she wanted a "clear sign from God" that this was the right relationship, and she didn't get a sign. They were apart for about 6 months, subsequently reconciled, and are now married. I'm assuming God did not write his name in lights on a billboard to help make the decision easier.

I think this direction towards a bizarre pressure to settle, the sentiment that soul mates don't truly exist, the idea that any two religious people can buckle down and make it work, probably contributes to a higher divorce rate. Sure, perhaps there is not exactly one "soul mate" for every person, and a range of people with whom one might be compatible, but sometimes, if something is not working easily, you shouldn't force it to work. I was, in my youthful days of religious observance, in a relationship with a very religious guy. As the relationship progressed it became clear we had very different priorities. He wanted to move to a small town when my career plans necessitated that I'd have to work in an urban center, and expected that I'd give up all my career ambitions to pop out kids and cater to his needs. He actually said things like, "if you want to work, you can't do any overtime without calling me to ask for permission first." He became big on Biblical gender roles after we'd become engaged, when he decided it was safe to start molding me into the person he wanted me to be; before then he'd tried to (or pretended to be willing to) make compromises. Of course, he soon found himself with his ring returned and without a fiancee, as I'd decided I wasn't keen on changing my entire life for one fundamentalist guy who clearly didn't care about my own needs.

Point is, not any two people can make it work. Many people should NOT try to make it work, because it will be a struggle uphill. If you find a relationship that is worthwhile, many people -secular or religious - will be willing to put in the effort to make it work. I'm in a relationship now that is going on 8 years, and neither of us is perfect, but I hope both of us have a sense that the other person makes their daily life immeasurably better. Yes, relationships take work, but they should also be a pleasure; you shouldn't have a sense of "I'm giving up everything and they're not even putting in any effort," because then it's not a mutually beneficial relationship.

There is no magic formula for finding a person with whom you're compatible. You may find them on your first date or after 50 other dates. Shackling yourself to the first person you think is cute, who says "yes" to your suggestion you go out for coffee, may work out wonderfully or it may be a disaster. You have to get to know them to find out. In many ways, the enhanced expectations of Christian culture puts too much pressure on relationships for superficial reasons, like social conformity with the expectations of a "good Christian" or the thrill of having someone find you attractive for the first time, or the checkbox on the life plan saying, "find a spouse," and encourages incompatible people to commit based on these factors.

The "warnings" the author gives against serial dating, against co-habitation, against relationship avoidance for the sake of "hooking up," distract from the real issue at hand, which is the issue of compatibility. Dating many people does not make a person inherently less valuable, or change the essential characteristics of their personalities. Co-habiting with someone will not transform them magically into someone incompatible with you who doesn't value your relationship, who thinks they can drop you and find another person in a heartbeat. Usually if you're co-habiting, you already know if they're this kind of person or not. And people who want to just hook up without commitment? For God's sake, let those people run freely, because they are not going to be happy shackled to a marriage relationship if that's not what they want. Better they have a life without commitment than disrespect their marriage vows by cheating on their unknowing spouse, because of the social pressures to appear "normal" and part of a stable couple.

[debrand]

I've never understood why later marriages are a bad thing. The right acts as if waiting until you're ready for marriage and have a little experience is a sign of the end of the world. Yet, statistically later marriages last longer. Better educated people and atheists also have longer lasting marriages.

[wtylcf]

I've never understood why later marriages are a bad thing. The right acts as if waiting until you're ready for marriage and have a little experience is a sign of the end of the world. Yet, statistically later marriages last longer. Better educated people and atheists also have longer lasting marriages.

This is just an off-the-cuff theory, but I'm guessing that Christian groups want to encourage the accrual of personal status symbols by group members to ensure that as many people as possible are "success stories" in the group. If Christianity will make your life better, it should give you personal happiness, and part of the evidence of that will be a spouse and children. Singles may be ostensibly loved and welcomed, but they are probably viewed as a threat, even if only subconsciously. If Christianity is the right religion, they why is that nice, kind, man or woman still single? they probably think. Sure, according to some scriptures, a single person may be better equipped to serve God, but many fundamentalist Christians would find the idea of a single woman serving missions intolerable, and think that a single man would not be able to witness to families effectively if he had none of his own.

Also, if you marry young, and have children young, you have less time and energy to question your faith on your own or engage in life experiences that may possibly take you away from the faith (university or secular friends, or single life experiences). If you have a spouse and children and they are part of the church, you have stronger social ties to the group and are less likely to stray away from it. Of course, that all changes if you find yourself a divorced single parent, where you will probably be looked down upon for your choices by that same group.

[BravaAmica]

I’ll never be quite as smart as a New York Times Best Seller.

Has this guy ever read a NYT best seller?! Nora Roberts, Dean Koontz, Dan Brown, Clive Cussler, Max Brooks, James Patterson- compelling story tellers but not doing much with form, style or structure. So if this guy is not smart as a NYT best seller, this guy must be stupid.

ETA: Yes, he's stupid. He thinks porn is real. Um, dude, it's *acting.*

[emiliawasframed]

A number of my students are sharing this link on their facebooks right now. I responded to one of their threads and said that my main problem with the post is the author's full focus on secular marriage culture, when Christian marriage culture surely perpetuates unrealistic, soulmate-based models as well.

[Mela99]

He obviously needs Jesus and Kirk Cameron. Easy fix.

[lizziesmom]

He must have found his wife through Christianmingle.com. This is God's tool doncha know, for a happy marriage?