Ruchi on Keeping Sweet

[longskirts]

"The article's author, a friend of the Stern family, describes that his wife, Zahava, had dropped off Shoshie at her home, but later received a frantic call from Shoshie's sister asking where she was. A desperate call-fest ensued, with both families trying to locate Shoshie. Finally Zahava called Denise, Shoshie's mother, to see if they had heard anything. Denise, who had just heard the tragic news moments earlier, blurted out: "Shoshie's been killed! She was hit by a car while she tried to cross Palmetto Park Road. She's dead!"

 

Zahava was overcome with emotion but a few minutes later Denise called back. Why? To apologize for blurting out the news over the phone, and asking if Zahava was alright, and to ask her for forgiveness.

 

Yes. Forgiveness."

 

So... if you just found out your child was tragically killed, you can't blurt out the news when someone asks? And you need forgiveness if you do? What is it with fundies trying to wipe out human emotion...

 

outoftheorthobox.blogspot.com/

[lizziesmom]

The second part of that is even more unbelievable to me. I don't think most parents are going to seek out the person who killed their child and offer him comfort, only hours after the child is killed.

[2xx1xy1JD]

I found a more detailed article on how Shoshana's parents were coping with her tragic death. Keep tissues handy:

www.aish.com/sp/so/Living-with-Clarity.html

Some parts at the beginning of the article gave me a few WTF moments, but keep reading through the entire thing. By the end, it's pretty clear that these people are NOT just smiling and unaffected by the tragedy, or enjoying how vivid the world is since the death.

At the end, the father states:

"Denise and I are in sheer horror, total agony. Everyone deals with their grief and pain in their own way. Denise has looked at Shoshie's pictures, videos, scrapbooks and has visited the cemetery many times. I have not – it's all too painful and I can sense it will be unproductive. We invested our kishkas in building up Shoshie to fly – only to have her taken away from us."

In the part about forgiving the driver, the father also says this:

"At the funeral the next day Denise got down on her hands and knees and buried Shoshie with her bare hands. She said: “I’ve tucked in my daughter thousands of times. This is the last thing I can do for Shoshie and I want it to be perfect.†Can you imagine a more pure expression of love?"

[i can't read this without crying.]

In short, the second half of the article comes across very different than the first.

I think it does a disservice to people when the message just focuses on the first part. Yes, I know that people want bravery and inspiration in the face of tragedy. However, it's not like a tragic death suddenly makes people into angels and makes the world into a sparkling place to be. Behind it, there's a family in tremendous pain. I think that it's more accurate to say that someone going through a tragic loss is a person on the abyss. It doesn't take much for a tragedy like that to completely consume a person. In this case, where apparently the police said that there was no driver negligence, there's all this raw grief, but no obvious target for anger. The energy needs to be directed somewhere. Her parents can't bring her back - but they can do little things, like considering the feelings of others, or establishing something in their daughter's memory like this: http://www.shoshiestern.com/index.html.

Comments like this:

"Since Shoshie's death, I feel lifted into a different dimension. The moments seem to linger beyond time, in slow motion. Colors appear more vivid, even the food tastes better. My kids' laughter is more enlivening, my wife is more gorgeous, my friends and family are more endearing" initially made me say WTF? In the context of the rest of the article, though, it seems to be about appreciating what he has and wanting to live life with purpose, and realizing just how precious it all is because he's experienced the pain of loss.

I'm reminded a bit of another grieving mom, who set up this website after her baby girl suddenly died of SIDS:

www.theshinyproject.com/inspiration.html

I also followed her blog. She wrote about this burst of energy that she had after the death which inspired The Shiny Project website, but also keeps writing about her ups and downs in the months and years after. She had another baby, and writes about how much insane love she has for her boys, while at the same time still mourning her baby girl.

She writes:

"Sometimes I look at my living family and feel so filled with love that I could radiate with it, overwhelmed with joy to the point of spilling incoherent tears because these people are just.so.amazing. But even those heavenly moments of crazylady love are so augmented by the constant presence of grief that happiness is now a completely different emotion than it once was. Happy feels different now. This ecstatic adoration of the man I chose and the men I made is not a single color of joy, but an iridescent emotion, glimmering in varying shades, depending on the light.

That, my friends, is the answer to the question, "How are you?" Should you ask, the real answer is, "iridescent." "

introducingyael.livejournal.com/tag/grief

[Off to dry my eyes and hope that no more families have to deal with tragedies like this.]

[Emme]

My heart goes out to that poor family!

[crassy]

I am really loathe to criticise anyone for how they deal with grief. My cousin was killed in a car accident 6 years ago and my aunt went crazy. My cousin was 21 at the time, living away from home, doing his own thing. Despite him being an adult, it still drove my aunt over the edge. She started doing things that were way out of character, she went deeper into religion (she was religious prior to the accident but nothing like what happened afterwards). Her whole behaviour changed because she could not cope with losing her child. People do fucked up things when they are grieving, who am I to judge. I can't imagine acting rationally if something were to happen to my daughter.

[longskirts]

PopChassid says that women need to be modest to help him control his "dark side". (For the record, I don't think he's talking about evil or violence--he's using the kiruv hyperbole that any twinge of desire is a sin.)

popchassid.com/please-help-modesty/

And confer Ruchi's take, that if a man objectifies a woman its his fault, but it's her fault too for flaunting.

outoftheorthobox.blogspot.com/2013/06/christian-modesty-jewish-modesty.html

Edited to break the link.