Pray for Ian latest post so sad...

[CanadianMom]

I felt compelled to reply to her on her post, saying that she should seek out a therapist and that no one would fault her if she left.

It wasn't approved.

[curlytoes79]

The latest post (5/18) says Ian was driving his brothers around in a golf cart. From the videos and pics I've been, it just doesn't look like he has the muscle control in his limbs. I could be wrong, but there seems to be a wide gulf between his apparent abilities and Larissa's descriptions of what he does.

[littlemommy]

My "please take care of yourself" comment wasn't approved either. I guess I should've stuck with "Suffer MOAR, praise Jesus!" :( I feel sorry for both of them.

[punkiepie]

There has been speculation on here regarding Larissa's side of the family and if they tried to stop her from marrying. I have wondered about that too. But my guess is that Larissa's family felt sort for Ian and his family and maybe they kept quiet.

I read in one of the interviews she gave (I will try to find it) that she didn't grow up in church and wasn't saved until right before she and Ian started dating- he was the one who lead her to being "saved." So that's makes it all the more puzzling about how her parents could have allowed this to happen, considering they weren't part of the SGM scene and had no church guilt to contend with. They were married at her parents house, on their land, so they were a part of things. It baffles me.

[Mela99]

Maybe her parents viewed it as either that or losing her? I dunno. I agree with whoever said above that I'd have knocked some sense into my daughter physically if I had to.

I might argue differently if this had been a long term relationship - MIGHT. Or if they'd already been engaged or married. But that is not the life I would have wanted for my child.

I don't understand the mindset that she has. That her life has no other purpose than to be his wife and caregiver. That is heartbreaking. She's submitted herself without question or concern.

But it kills me to think of where that submission started. Was it within Larissa? That scares me less. If she really wanted nothing more than a job as a stay at home wife and mom, sure. That's great, more power to you.

But the way she seems to have been pushed by Ian's dad twists my insides up. She even said on the video he told her to move on or move out. Who would put that kind of strain on a girl?

She said on her blog that by the time she washes dishes from Ian's dinner, he has forgotten what he had, or that he even ate. Would he have even noticed if she had been gone from the picture?

I'm honestly curious about the mechanics of his brain injury, the extent of impact it has on his mind.

She also says she works - does anybody know where or doing what?

[ThatSnark]

I have a vague recollection from somewhere in the blog that Larissa mentioned working in a bank, or a loan office, something like that. Hopefully someone else remembers better than me.

[Koala]

I won't even lie, and I may get bashed all to hell and back for this, but I can't fathom that Ian is even capable of marital "relations". I am troubled enough by the fact that she married a man that needed a judge to sign off, but the other just... :evil-eye: I wouldn't say it, but she put it out there, so....

[yetanothermeg]

She works in marketing for a bank and she doesn't seem to like it. She writes that she would prefer to be a stay at home wife/mom, but needs to work to support them both.

At least she is college educated. What the heck would a former SAHD with a SOTDRT education do in this situation?

[yetanothermeg]

I won't even lie, and I may get bashed all to hell and back for this, but I can't fathom that Ian is even capable of marital "relations". I am troubled enough by the fact that she married a man that needed a judge to sign off, but the other just... :evil-eye: I wouldn't say it, but she put it out there, so....

I was thinking the same thing actually. Physically, he can barely move on his own, they were both virgins when they got married......I don't know, the sex part just seems very unlikely. I wonder if she is just saying they are intimate in order to further legitimize the marriage.

[Mela99]

I won't even lie, and I may get bashed all to hell and back for this, but I can't fathom that Ian is even capable of marital "relations". I am troubled enough by the fact that she married a man that needed a judge to sign off, but the other just... :evil-eye: I wouldn't say it, but she put it out there, so....

It's not impossible, physically. There are plenty of accident victims who can still have an active sex life/have kids. I don't imagine he can... um... contribute much to the act, but ..

It does bother me a little that he's been declared mentally incompetent but can get married and have sex.

Kinda makes me wonder, though. IUP is a crazy liberal school and Indiana is really, heavily democrat. I'm going to assume much of this conversion of hers happened long after that time.

I really want to reach out to her .. .

[punkiepie]

It's not impossible, physically. There are plenty of accident victims who can still have an active sex life/have kids. I don't imagine he can... um... contribute much to the act, but ..

It does bother me a little that he's been declared mentally incompetent but can get married and have sex.

Kinda makes me wonder, though. IUP is a crazy liberal school and Indiana is really, heavily democrat. I'm going to assume much of this conversion of hers happened long after that time.

I really want to reach out to her .. .

She said it happened at the beginning of their Junior year and after that Ian's dad gave them permission to start dating. So whether or not she was a virgin is up for debate- not that it matters. But I actually hope she wasn't, that way, at least for some small part of her life, she could have had a normal enjoyable sex life where both people were equal willing participants.

[lilwriter85]

She works in marketing for a bank and she doesn't seem to like it. She writes that she would prefer to be a stay at home wife/mom, but needs to work to support them both.

At least she is college educated. What the heck would a former SAHD with a SOTDRT education do in this situation?

That is a very good point there. It would be hard to imagine how a former SAHD without college education, vocational skills, or work experience would do in this kind of situation or a similar situation in which the man can't work due to disability. I would say that Larissa is steps ahead of many of the bloggers we discuss here.

In one of the 19kac episodes about Josh and Boob's fitness challenge, Anna made the comment about needing Josh around when they have a big family, so she wanted Josh to get healthy. I give Josh credit for what he has done. But he and Anna need to be better prepared in case something does happen to him. Accidents and other illnesses can disable a person. It has been mentioned here that Anna's "degree" is from an unaccredited Christian college and I believe she has no work experience.

But Larissa didn't come from a fundie family and maybe there was a push for her to go to college. She probably hasn't been sheltered in the ways Anna Duggar, the Maxwell girls, Miss Raquel, etc are. I also don't think Ian comes from a hardcore fundie family. Wasn't he also attending IUP?

[Mela99]

Yes, they both went to IUP. His brother just graduated from there yesterday, too.

[bionicmlle]

I thought she had quit her bank job to focus full-time on writing the book. IIRC that's why they moved in with the mother, so she could work from home. (The parents also had built a specialized place for Ian after his injury.)

[HeckBound]

My "please take care of yourself" comment wasn't approved either. I guess I should've stuck with "Suffer MOAR, praise Jesus!" :( I feel sorry for both of them.

My post encouraging her to consider her own life as valuable wasn't approved either. I dont think she can allow herself to even think these things. She feels hopeless, because unless something happens, her situation IS hopeless.

[PurpleSheepleEater]

I'm not sure if she is saying they have sex BECAUSE they are normal people, or if they have sex LIKE normal people. Because it is not normal to have sex with people who cannot consent.

Um, this. Times like 1000. I cannot express how disturbing I find this whole story, particularly that everyone in their lives is pretending he has any sort of ability to really express his thoughts. I'm sorry but having a sexual relationship with someone in that mental state just screams abuse to me. How verbal is he? He does not seem to have any fine motor skills based on their wedding video, his hands are static and fingers ridged. This is not a marriage, this is a care taking situation where the nurse has sex with a severely impaired patient.

The whole thing is sad. The fact that she is trapped and no one told her it was ok to just stay his friend (or not) and get on with a normal life is horrible. I cannot imagine. I just can't imagine. I feel for her, I would just be broken if something like this happened to my partner but the fact that she was not married to him and then was made to feel obligated to that relationship and marry him years after the accident is just sick. Boo on the whole damn thing.

[Burris]

I’m a bit disturbed by the number of people here who believe Larissa should have left Ian, her fiancé, after he had suffered a traumatic brain injury. It reads a lot like, “I’m committed, unless you get hurt. Then you’re on your fucking own.â€

She does seem to be suffering from severe (and potentially dangerous) caregiver burn-out. She needs to access as many respite resources as she can so that can carve out a good life for herself even while remaining loyal to her husband.

She cannot handle Ian’s high needs without help. No one could. If she continues to try it this way, she will be endangering both Ian's life and her own.

[Burris]

I cannot express how disturbing I find this whole story, particularly that everyone in their lives is pretending he has any sort of ability to really express his thoughts. I'm sorry but having a sexual relationship with someone in that mental state just screams abuse to me. How verbal is he? He does not seem to have any fine motor skills based on their wedding video, his hands are static and fingers ridged. This is not a marriage, this is a care taking situation where the nurse has sex with a severely impaired patient..

I get where you’re coming from, but your assumption about Ian’s capacity to consent, which you seem to base largely on his lack of motor control, is unfair to say the least. There are any number of people, with Cerebral Palsy for example, who have poor motor control and yet perfectly sound minds – individuals capable of consent, despite their need for additional care.

[PurpleSheepleEater]

I get where you’re coming from, but your assumption about Ian’s capacity to consent, which you seem to base largely on his lack of motor control, is unfair to say the least. There are any number of people, with Cerebral Palsy for example, who have poor motor control and yet perfectly sound minds – individuals capable of consent, despite their need for additional care.

According to her blog they were not engaged when the accident happened. They were talking about getting married, he was working to save for a ring but there was no promise of marriage. She could have kept on loving him very much without having to be his wife. I know that his mental state cannot be determined entirely by his motor control, that's why I asked how verbal he is.

Given their belief system I'm going presume he was a virgin. With an extreme traumatic brain injury. Sorry, but the whole marriage bed thing just sits very wrong with me. As does the fact that they live with two other adults who could have cared for him without her. Is she working to support all 4 of them?

I'm trying to get this, really. Trying to wrap my brain around how this is in any way a beneficial situation for either of them. I just don't see it as anything except extremely unfair to her. It feels like she was manipulated and is now held up as a wonderful martyr example, doing what god says to the point of extreme personal sacrifice.

[treemom]

I get where you’re coming from, but your assumption about Ian’s capacity to consent, which you seem to base largely on his lack of motor control, is unfair to say the least. There are any number of people, with Cerebral Palsy for example, who have poor motor control and yet perfectly sound minds – individuals capable of consent, despite their need for additional care.

I think my judgement on his lack of consent comes from the fact he couldn't legally consent to the wedding.

[treemom]

I think staying with Ian and leaving Ian are both fine choices, when they aren't coerced, but I think SGM used spiritual coercion on her.

And I am not sure I am comfortable with a marriage where a partner is unable to legally consent to marriage.

[Burris]

I think staying with Ian and leaving Ian are both fine choices, when they aren't coerced, but I think SGM used spiritual coercion on her.

And I am not sure I am comfortable with a marriage where a partner is unable to legally consent to marriage.

I'm familiar with the story overall, but not with a) how it was determined that he could not consent, and b) how it was that they could actually marry, officially, when one partner allegedly could not consent.

I do agree, though: If she married because she was coerced and guilted into it, then she and Ian are both victims of their families' machinations. That doesn’t make her a sexual predator, however, as some posters seem to imply.

[Koala]

I get where you’re coming from, but your assumption about Ian’s capacity to consent, which you seem to base largely on his lack of motor control, is unfair to say the least. There are any number of people, with Cerebral Palsy for example, who have poor motor control and yet perfectly sound minds – individuals capable of consent, despite their need for additional care.

I don't know about anyone else, but my assumptions about Ian's ability to consent stem from the fact that Ian has a TBI and required a judge's approval to marry.

I have a cousin and a close high school friend with CP. Both are married. 1 has children. Neither required anyone's permission to marry.

[Burris]

I don't know about anyone else, but my assumptions about Ian's ability to consent stem from the fact that Ian has a TBI and required a judge's approval to marry.

Oh, there's the piece I was missing. Do you think the judge didn't have access to, or that he ignored, facts about Ian's injuries and capabilities before declaring Ian as capable of consenting to marriage and all that implies?

I don't know which professionals took the stand to claim Ian is capable of entering into a legal contract, but it's likely the judge needed just a bit more evidence than the word of Ian's would-be wife.

The over-reaching tone in this thread disturbs me perhaps as much as the question of consent disturbs you.

[punkiepie]

I'm familiar with the story overall, but not with a) how it was determined that he could not consent, and b) how it was that they could actually marry, officially, when one partner allegedly could not consent.

I do agree, though: If she married because she was coerced and guilted into it, then she and Ian are both victims of their families' machinations. That doesn’t make her a sexual predator, however, as some posters seem to imply.

I, in no way, think that she's a sexual predator. But what i think has happened is that everyone has somehow deluded themselves into believing that Ian is still "Ian" inside, just trapped in a body that is broken. When in fact, he is not still the same Ian with the mentality of a 28 year old- he is mentally impaired. How much, I don't know. But enough that he was not able to give his own consent to be married. And the only people the judge heard from was Larissa and their SGM pastor. That's it.

Had they even been engaged when the accident happened, this might be a different story- but they were 21 year olds who were Seniors in college and had only dated for 10 months. I don't think she had any binding duty to him to sign her whole life away at the age of 21. She was a baby. And I'm willing to bet that Ian loved Larissa enough that he would have never wanted this life for her; he would have wanted her to move on, get married and have a happy life.