How NOT to preach at a funeral

[RosyDaisy]

WTH? I've never been to a funeral where the eulogy was 45 min long, where the minister preached hellfire and damnation for the deceased person, and gave a call for attendees to "come to Jesus". And I've been to funerals for some pretty fundie families.

[Jana814]

I thought I posted to this thread last time, but evidently not. Our preacher had been acting like a professional asshat for three years or so, but the beginning of the end came when he made an ass of himself at a funeral. A lovely elderly couple who are friends of the family lived next door to our church. The wife had struggled with Alzheimer's for many years and eventually died. The couple were Baptist but asked our preacher to participate in the memorial service since they were neighbors. He was asked to say a prayer. What the family didn't account for is that this preacher is the world's #1 attention whore and terrible all-around person. Everyone's attention has to be focused on him at all times, and he'll pout, cuss, accuse, and pretty much do anything to get all eyes on him. So our preacher got up at the memorial and prayed like he was asked to, but then started PREACHING THE FUNERAL, which he was NOT asked to do. He cracked lots of jokes about how handsome he was and how Mrs.B liked to watch him mow the yard... Really stupid immature bullshit. It ruined the entire memorial, which was meant to honor the life and accomplishments of a lovely, hardworking farm woman stolen away by Alzheimer's. It was terrible and embarrassing.

Oh my G-d!!! what a nut!! I would be pissed if that ever happened at a funeral I went to.

[Flossie]

I think the story of my FIL's funeral might fit in here.

FIL grew up in a Seventh Day Adventist family, but the boys in his family were allowed to stop attending when they were considered old enough to be left home alone. By the time he was 10, FIL only attended once in a while, and then just to please his devout mother. He married my MIL, whose family had similar beliefs of how often to attend church, and things were good until he was in his 70's and dying of cancer. My MIL had started attending a local SAD church with her sister in the past two or three years, about once every month or two. When my FIL's cancer was to the point where he had only 2 - 3 months to live, MIL's sister posted a request on the church bulletin board asking for church members to go visit my FIL. When no one from the church did so, she was upset. She didn't seem to understand that the church members had noticed that my MIL only attended on days when the church had their monthly potluck, didn't bring anything for the potluck, and announced to anyone who would listen that she 'wasn't allowed' to give to the collection plate because her husband 'wouldn't let her'.

So my FIL died without having strangers from the church come visit. Then the really infuriating stuff started happening. My MIL's sister decided that the church could redeem itself by having the minister perform the service. The day after FIL died the minister arrived at MIL's home to discuss the service with her. I was there, so I can assure you that this really happened.

The minister arrived, sat at the table with MIL, and asked her to tell him about FIL. MIL wasn't sure what he meant, and she was pretty upset, so she started rambling about the color of his eyes and how he died with a full head of hair. The minister cut her off and asked more specific questions. He started with my FIL's religious upbringing. I could see that my MIL was worried that the minister wouldn't perform the service since FIL hadn't attended church, so she started telling the minister all about how he'd grown up in a SAD household and when they were first married he'd go to church with her and on and on, finally ending with an almost desperate plea to perform the service even though he hadn't let her contribute to the offering (she said it was because he was trying to save money for her to live on after he was gone).

This was what the minister was waiting for. He pointed out to her that she was now in a position to provide for her church just as they had provided for her, and brought out a card for her to fill out and sign. It was a card that authorized a set amount ($25 a week) to be taken from her checking account and deposited in the church's account. He had most of the card already filled out, she only had to provide her checking account number, sign, and date the card and it would all be taken care of. I tried to intervene, but the second I spoke up, he sighed and started to put the card away while he started to gather his things and told MIL that he'd pray for her husband. The inference was clear, pay up or she'd have to find another minister. My MIL was so upset that I backed down and told her that if she wanted to tithe, then that was fine. I still remember the satisfied look on his face as this 'man of God' pushed that card over to MIL and graciously gave her a pen to sign with. I nearly lost it when my MIL said she needed her purse to get the account number off of her checkbook, and he 'asked' me to bring MIL her purse. I brought her the purse, and went to find my husband. He was outside because he was too upset to be there when his father's funeral arrangements were being discussed. I couldn't find him, so I went back inside.

Then the minister started asking my MIL other questions:

What was your husbands full name?

What was his date of birth?

When did you marry?

How many children do you have?

Children's names, and grandchildrens names?

What did your husband do for a living?

What was your husband's favorite song?

...

You get the picture, it was more like a police interrogation than a man of God trying to learn about a departed soul. There was a cute moment when MIL was asked about FIL's favorite song. She thought about it a bit and then admitted that FIL had no ear for music. Then she said that he didn't mind if she tuned the radio to country music, and seemed to like Dolly Parton's songs, but he didn't approve of her overly done hair, makeup, and how she dressed.

Cut to the funeral. A cool overcast day in the fall with the threat of rain. Still, there was a nice turnout and the graveside service started on time. MIL had been so upset that her doctor had given her a sedative to get her through the service. She was seated with my husband on one side, her daughter on the other, and her sister one seat over. The minister stood up front and started the service.

It was the most robotic thing I could think of. The minister started out with "We are gathered here to blah blah blah MIL. He was a good man. He was raised in the Church. He fought in the War (WWII). He came back and married MIL. He worked at blah blah. They had two children who are here today. His favorite song was Amazing Grace (What? MIL never said anything like that! Where is Dolly Parton?) His favorite color was blue (news to us). It was obvious that this idiot was phoning it in, but it got worse.

Suddenly, the minister started tearing up and telling the attendees that he knows how they feel. His own mother died just a few months ago and it devastated him. As my MIL starts sobbing louder, she and the minister seemed to get into a contest to show who was feeling worse. We were treated to a 15 minute speech about how the death of his mother affected the minister, while MIL went from quietly losing it to loudly losing it. Suddenly the Funeral Director stepped up and broke in to announce that FIL was being given a 21 gun salute because he was a veteran. The Honor Guard did their duty, and I can only wonder how many of us who attended wished that the minister was being fired into the air instead of blanks.

Through the whole Salute, the 'minister' was quietly arguing with the Funeral Director. As soon as the Salute was over, the Flag was folded, and given to MIL, I looked around. MIL was crying hysterically and being comforted by her children and sister. The rest of the attendee's were glaring at the minister with obvious feelings of aggression. I felt the same. Anyway, I approached the minister and grabbed his hand and said "Nice service" and turned away. The Funeral Director grabbed the minister, led him away and turned him over to a staff member. The last I saw, the staff member was leading the minister away while the minister was talking rapidly and seemed to be upset.

With the minister taken away, most people decided to pretend that everything had gone well. They thanked the Honor Guard, they thanked the Funeral Director, and they milled around talking quietly to each other.

Then a woman approached my MIL, who was still pretty upset. She started out by telling MIL that she was so sorry for her loss. Then, she did something I couldn't imagine. This woman said that she wanted to take the flowers she'd sent back with her as a 'remembrance' of FIL. As MIL's son, daughter, and sister stared at her in disbelief, my MIL obviously didn't really hear what that woman was saying. MIL was on automatic pilot and said something like "Yes, thank you for coming. FIL was a wonderful man." That was enough, the woman grabbed a vase of flowers and walked off. Suddenly my MIL was engulfed with other people all asking if they could take back their flowers too. MIL was in the throes of grief, and just kept saying "Yes, he was a wonderful man. Yes."

Then two things happened almost simultaneously. Those who weren't ready to take advantage of the situation started to arrange themselves around the widow and the coffin. It was obvious that anyone who approached MIL would have to go through her protectors. Then it started to rain. I still remember seeing people running through the rain to their cars carrying vases of flowers or potted plants, and the rest of us standing in the rain while we helped MIL up and escorted her to our car. It should be noted that not one of the asses who took back their flowers attended the potluck we held after the funeral, but there were a lot of wet people there who stood in the rain to try to prevent others from taking advantage.

[Jana814]

Oh my!! I can't believe that happened at your FIL funeral. Although from what u said about the minister, its sounds likes something Steve Maxwell would do.

[NotALoserLikeYou]

Flossie, WTF! That's a disturbing story, what a bunchbof assholes!

[Trynn]

My MIL had started attending a local SAD church

SDA, not SAD. Although I agree, the entire situation IS pretty sad.

A lot of Seventh Day Adventists, unfortunately, do have this attitude of, "well, he was raised in the church, therefore his life was perfect, he had every advantage." From their point of view, he would have been held more accountable before God.

I do agree that those people were out of line. I think your story is in the top ten of the horror stories.

I've only been to one funeral where there was a heavy emphasis on Jesus. It was for my Uncle Jim (also a Seventh Day Adventist, who'd been on the show Kid's Time). The death was expected, so Jim actually sorta kinda delivered his own eulogy via video. It was full of "come to Jesus" stuff, but whatever, it was HIS funeral.

I get the feeling there WOULD have been an altar call, except that the church was so darn full no one would've FIT at the altar. (That side of the family is very large, plus Jim was sorta famous on Planet Adventist.)

His Eulogy, also given by another pastor, WAS 45 minutes long, but there was a lot of life to cover. I don't think long eulogies are necessarily a bad thing, as long as they remain focused on the life of the person. Also, at most funerals I've been to people get up and share stories about the person's life. This was not allowed at Jim's funeral because of the abnormally large attendance.

That is the closest I've gotten to a funeral altar call, although I'd expect them to be more common, what with Adventists' beliefs that We Are In The Last Days.

Weddings, on the other hand... let's just say I've started religiously (no pun intended) unless absolutely necessary...

[alysee]

I had only ever been to Catholic services but last year my best friend from college grandfather died. He was a member of the Church of the Nazarene and it was the most beautiful service about his life from the pastor that previously was the pastor(had been pastor for 30 years while he went to that church) and then the last 15 minutes was taken over by the current preacher and he sullied it with a talk about hell. It left a really sour note on what could've been the a beautiful service.

[Persinette]

I have a story to share! This still makes me pretty angry.

My ex-husband absolutely adored his grandmother (in part, because she was pretty much the only non-fundie adult that he interacted with regularly). Anyway, as far as I know, she was never Christian as an adult, and attended a Spiritualist church for most of her life. From what I understand, her spiritual/religious beliefs were very important to her. I went to visit her near the end with my ex, and his parents were trying to force a death-bed conversion out of her. It was horrible. She was in a lot of pain (she was in a hospital) and kept saying "God help me, God help me" and my mother in law was screaming/sobbing "SAY JESUS" and my ex's grandma would yell back "GOD!" I really, really just wanted to punch my ex-MIL in the face at that time (and I am not normally a violent person). They would NOT leave the poor woman alone. MY ex did get a little time with her to tell her how much he loved her and that everything would be okay, but after we left, I guess his parents managed to break her down enough that said "Jesus" because her funeral went like this:

My ex-FIL's super patriarchal friend (no relation to my ex's grandma--I doubt he even knew her) told his very own "salvation story" for an HOUR. Since he was "saved" at age four, it was basically his life story. For an hour. At the funeral of someone he had no relation to. This man was not an ordained minister either. I have no idea what he was doing. He concluded with how HE knew where HE was going when he died and that my ex's grandma knew too because she had accepted Jesus, blah, blah, blah.

I actually walked out for a little bit, but came back to support my ex.

After,, my FIL talked about how great it was that my ex's grandma had taught Sunday school when she was 15, and how she sadly got "mixed up" in Spiritualism because of her ex-husband or something but, oh, joy of joys, she accepted Jesus in the end (Again: He totally dissed the religion that his mother practiced for decades, that was extremely important and meaningful to her, and made an abusive, forced, deathbed confession the defining moment of her life).

I get that "funerals are for the living" and the majority of people there were fundamentalist Christians, but the whole spectacle was like a giant slap in the face to my ex's grandma, and we were both pretty sure she would have been horrified.

[Rescinded and Mended]

I'm so sorry to hear all of these stories. I just can't understand why these so called "people of God" don't have the good sense to realize that the day of a funeral is one where we honor and remember the deceased...not push a personal agenda.

This also makes me think of a woman I heard about who gave birth. The baby was stillborn, and while the family was grieving, several "friends" showed up at the hospital and asked if they could have their baby gifts back. :(

Incidentally, Flossie, were you able to help your loved one call the bank and put a stop on the church withdrawing $25 a week from her account? I hope the church didn't continue to try and take money from her after the preacher behaved so shamefully when her husband died.

[DifferentGurl]

I have a funeral story that is almost the opposite situation. My aunt's husband was a 'hard-living' jerk who couldn't keep a job, beat his wife, etc. He never went to church, so when he died, the family had to find a minister to perform the ceremony at the funeral home. The minister did a nice job, and talked about what a good man my uncle was, how kind and loving he was, etc. While the minister spoke, some of the people in the audience started looking at each other with confused looks on their faces, as if they were wondering if they were at the correct funeral, since the minister was obviously not talking about the person they knew. I was too young at the time to understand the situation, but my mother occasionally still mentions it.

Reminds me of my mom's uncle's funeral....and how during the whole funeral, family members went into his house to get all his porn, which they later burned. :? :shock:

[lamariposa]

Ugh. This brings up so many memories of super messed up memorial services. Including: preaching damning everyone to hell, preacher talking about how the deceased wasn't saved and will burn for all eternity and then urging others to avoid his fate, a widowed pastor's wife saying she prefers her husband dead than for him to have fallen in the sin of adultery... And other horrible things. I recently had a serious surgery and I put it in writing that i wanted no relifgious speaker at my funeral, should I pass. I've left the church almost a decade ago so I couldn't have a pastor or preacher from my old denomination speak at my funeral but its still a concern of mine because I'd hate for my loved ones to be trying to mourn me while being damned to hell.

[CrzyCtLady]

My grandmother had cancer and knew she was going to die for quite some time before she actually passed. She planned her funeral down to who would speak and what they would say. She even wrote what the preacher was to say and made sure he understood that he was to say only what she had written for him. She had been attending that church for a really long time and is not someone who is easy to say no to, even in death. I wasn't able to attend her funeral since I was about 35 weeks pregnant at the time and lived in a different country, but my dad said it was hilarious. I miss her dearly, and it would have pissed me off so bad to hear someone go off on a tangent like that at her funeral. A funeral should be about the person who died and comforting their family and friends.

[redcurls]

Flossie, WTF? That is awful!! Around here, you can designate who you want your flowers to end up with after the funeral (is that common in other parts of the US?) occasionally, someone will take their own flowers but it is considered extremely tacky and rude. Does your MIL still attend that money-grubbing church?

[Flossie]

Incidentally, Flossie, were you able to help your loved one call the bank and put a stop on the church withdrawing $25 a week from her account? I hope the church didn't continue to try and take money from her after the preacher behaved so shamefully when her husband died.

The church continued to deduct from her account for several years. When I first told my husband about the tithe card MIL had signed, she insisted that it was only for $5 a week. My husband was raised to never question his elders, so he backed down and told me to stay out of it. I think that MIL had expected to get more involved in the church after her husband's death, so she probably thought that the money was well spent.

After a few years MIL's health became so poor that she was hospitalized for several weeks. While MIL was in the hospital my husband attempted to pay her bills and discovered that she had overpaid on some things and was in arrears with other things. The end result was that MIL voluntarily gave my husband Power of Attorney for her finances. That's when he discovered that the church was still deducting $25 a week from MIL's account and put a stop to it. I don't think he ever said anything to the church, he felt that she'd signed willingly and that was that. I'm also pretty sure he never told MIL that he'd cancelled the payouts - she'd stopped attending long before and had probably forgotten the whole thing.

[lizziesmom]

I don't think weddings or funerals should have any preaching (commercials) going on. Both should be celebrations of the lives of the people involved.

[BoomerLynn]

I'm so sorry to hear all of these stories. I just can't understand why these so called "people of God" don't have the good sense to realize that the day of a funeral is one where we honor and remember the deceased...not push a personal agenda.

This also makes me think of a woman I heard about who gave birth. The baby was stillborn, and while the family was grieving, several "friends" showed up at the hospital and asked if they could have their baby gifts back. :(

Incidentally, Flossie, were you able to help your loved one call the bank and put a stop on the church withdrawing $25 a week from her account? I hope the church didn't continue to try and take money from her after the preacher behaved so shamefully when her husband died.

WTF?! :angry-screaming: That is just downright cruel. That poor woman.

[Rescinded and Mended]

WTF?! :angry-screaming: That is just downright cruel. That poor woman.

Tell me about it. I would have chased those so-called friends out with pitchforks if I'd been involved. I know my husband would've for sure. Sad how all human decency in some people goes right to hell at the worst moment of a person's life.

Flossie, I'm sorry to hear that, I'd hoped that the church would have been stopped sooner. They took advantage of her at a time when she was really vulnerable. :(

[miffy]

obgHEQ7MY5A

[Arete]

WTF?! :angry-screaming: That is just downright cruel. That poor woman.

This kind of sounds like an urban legend to me.

[Rescinded and Mended]

I'll admit I only read about this, years ago (can't remember where), although I have no problem believing that it's something that could happen, especially in light of what Flossie said about people running off with the plants and flowers at her FIL's funeral.

[BoomerLynn]

This kind of sounds like an urban legend to me.

I really hope it is. Then again, I am no longer surprised at how horrible people can be.

[ADoyle90815]

I really hope it is. Then again, I am no longer surprised at how horrible people can be.

I really hope that's an urban legend, but people can really be cruel.

[Rachel333]

I don't have any horror stories, but this weekend I had to go to a funeral of a cousin who died way too young. Like other funerals I've been to for that side of the family, a preacher delivered a sermon. No sharing memories about him or anything, just a sermon about being saved. It probably comforted his parents which is all that really matters, but I wish we could do the kind of funerals where we share memories about the deceased instead of listening to a sermon.

[Jana814]

My parents went to a funeral yesterday. The guy's kids got up and spoke and a friend oh his who he had for a very long time also got up and spoke. My mother said it was really nice that he did that, the friend talk about all the stuff they did as kids (and everyone laughed)

[Rachel333]

Oh, just remembered an actual horror story. I think this was an in-law of one of my aunts. She had been faithful to this one church for years, but at the end of her life was no longer able to pay a tithe. Because of this, the minister and the church would have nothing to do with her. They wouldn't visit and wouldn't do a funeral service just because she hadn't been tithing. My family members are all very conservative Christians as well, but they're at least loving about it and thus were absolutely horrified by this church. I don't understand how people can be that way.