How NOT to preach at a funeral

[Trynn]

I dont remember a full on altar call, and this doesn't happen often, but sometimes at seventh day Adventist funerals the speaker will talk about how. The deceased was ready to die and we need to make sure we are too.

As far as altar calls, I have been at some that lasted an hour and a half. Personally, they're against my religion; I never go up for them.

[moodygirl86]

That is awesome. My pastor has had to preach at funerals for suicides. When I asked him about what he thinks/says, he said the deceased is clearly mentally ill. God wouldn't send a mentally ill person to hell for being sick any more than he would send someone who succumbed to cancer to hell.

Lady, your pastor sounds like a great bloke with one important Christian principle - compassion.

[crassy]

This reminds me of my cousin's wedding. The bride was about 6 months pregnant (nobody but the family knew) and my other cousin (the groom's brother) was officiating the ceremony (he is an Anglican minister). The wedding started out just fine until my priest cousin took it upon himself to wax poetic about the sin of premarital sex. 25 minutes later he decided, after telling everyone that premarital sex = depths of deepest darkest hell, that the bride was up the duff. She was absolutely mortified and when she turned around to face family and friends she had tears streaming down her face. Poor girl.

Not exactly a funny ending but it came out in January that my cousin (the priest) is gay. I mean, we all knew, he just never admitted it. He had also been cohabiting in the rectory with his boyfriend. They got married in February but still...I find it amusing that he is such a hypocritical dickbag.

[idonthaveajname]

Nearly every funeral I've ever been to has had an altar call. Of course I grew up attending a Southern Baptist church.

[javafriend]

My dad grew up as a Southern Baptist but became very active in his local Lutheran Church in the last twenty years of his life. His funeral was beautiful and included a very personal eulogy by a retired Lutheran pastor who was his good friend. After the service, a couple of his Southern Baptist relatives - who were pretty fundie but had always seemed to love my dad - let my sister and I know how sorry they were that my dad was in hell.

I wish I had the courage at the time to tell them that I wouldn't want any part of a heaven that wouldn't admit my gentle, loving dad.

[Savoring Samsara]

I have experienced the wedding altar call but not a funerary one, thankfully. (Probably because I'm still relatively young and have been fortunate to go to many more weddings than funerals in my life.) It happened at my aunt's wedding when I was a teenager, at the "non-denominational" evangelical Christian church she attended with her husband-to-be. The preacher spoke for 45 minutes, mostly not about the couple - real classy. I also remember that at the rehearsal the night before, the preacher proudly announced to us all that he had greatly edited down his remarks from their original duration of 90 minutes!

[Mama Mia]

At the end of the service they will play music, sometimes they will have everyone close their eyes and pray, and the guy preaching tries to get people to come down to the front crying and confessing their sins. I've been in services where the preacher would say things like "I'm not going to close this service until somebody from this side of the church comes down. God has laid it on my heart that somebody from this side is fighting the devil. Give into Jesus and come down." I've been at altar calls that have lasted 30 min.

That picture is over the top, but I have been to so many funerals that are like this. One of the reasons I hate going to funerals.

Thanks for the information - and sorry about spelling Altar wrong.

That sounds horrific to do at a funeral ! I've never been to a funeral where they did anything like that. Yikes.

[MamaJunebug]

I've been to one that was worse.

Two pastors talked. One cried throughout his speech. Never did understand why, but it seemed to set a few ladies' hearts and fan-wavin' hands a-flutter.

The second pastor said flat out that if you haven't spoken in tongues, you haven't been saved and are headed to Hell if you die before you "get the Spirit." (Nobody I can remember spoke in anything but English, however.)

I was so repulsed that I sought out the young people who I was there to honor (it was their granny's funeral). I said, "Migosh, do you guys believe that stuff?" Which stuff, they said .... we slept through it.

That was a relief. I guess after a short lifetime of attending services with that kind of nuttiness, a person either learns to tune it out or goes something-something. :doh:

[Buzzard]

I'm pretty shocked (no I'm not) that these practices are common at funerals (and weddings). Jesus didnt take the time to preach at funerals, so who do these fundies think they know better? Hell, there wasnt even a 'service' at Jesus' funeral!

[Lady]

That was a relief. I guess after a short lifetime of attending services with that kind of nuttiness, a person either learns to tune it out or goes something-something. :doh:

Or they just placate them by doing what the crazy person wants, then go about their lives doing what they want. I understand why they might make that decision and for some it's the only option, but I don't like it. I an Christian and my faith is a big part of my life. I attend church, have a bible reading/devotion schedule and try to be a better person. My dear boyfriend is atheist. I am fine with that, but I don't ever want him to just go through the motions or convert in name only. I respect his beliefs and expect that respect to be reciprocated in my beliefs. And lip service is not respectful.

[Lady]

Lady, your pastor sounds like a great bloke with one important Christian principle - compassion.

Thank you. After a childhood full of crazies I have to say I've done well in sussing out the good ones in adulthood.

The three pastors I have had in adulthood that have earned the title of "my pastor" were all compassionate. Their goal wasn't to get converts like people hunt for casual acquaintances on facebook to boost their friends list, it really was to care for people.

The other trait they all have in common is a willingness to ask questions and search for the answers. When church shopping, I knew I had to find one that was conscious of social issues and really looked at it to question how we as Christians should react. I couldn't go to a church that didn't share or at least understand my horror at the Bangladesh factory collapse and was willing to ask questions about what can be done to prevent a similar loss of life in the future. I can not go to a church that would use the 'clobber verses' against gay friends and be completely unwilling to examine the question of homosexuality. I can not go to a church where I can not bring my special needs cousin, either because she is proof of her parent's sin or because they are not accepting of the disabled (yes, this has happened).

[GeoBQn]

The worst eulogy I've heard of at a Jewish funeral was at one where the deceased was killed in a car accident. The rabbi went into great detail about how the body looked afterwards. Otherwise, the worst you get is a rabbi who likes the sound of his own voice.

[Rescinded and Mended]

I think it's sad that it almost seems like we have to take the minister aside before the service and tell him what NOT to say before it starts. It reminds me of having a small child and having to give instruction before going somewhere to a formal event. "No sweetheart, you can't say those things in public, it isn't nice."

I recently attended the funeral of my best friend's father. The preacher was from an evangelical Baptist church. The guy spent 10 minutes talking about the life of the deceased, and the next 20 minutes invalidating all that by stating that there was nothing good or important about the guy except his relationship with Jesus. The minister clearly stated that if my friend's dad didn't know Jesus, then he didn't matter here on earth and wouldn't matter in the hereafter.

I never dreamed so many people had such similar experiences at funerals. Maybe this thread should serve as a public service announcement that we all need to carefully screen the people that eulogize our loved ones.

[Buzzard]

I think it's sad that it almost seems like we have to take the minister aside before the service and tell him what NOT to say before it starts. It reminds me of having a small child and having to give instruction before going somewhere to a formal event. "No sweetheart, you can't say those things in public, it isn't nice."

That is EXACTLY why one of my family friends would not permit a "message" to be given at their funeral last year. The entire service was run by laymen. Funerals are not supposed to be product placement opportunities for your church!

[canela]

One of the worst funerals I've attended was for the teenaged son of a very close family friend. He was a beautiful, healthy, athletic boy who had some awful pain we will never understand. He committed suicide in his sister's house. His funeral was in a Catholic church and the priest gave a generically comforting homily about him going home to God's glory, etc.

Then one of the mother's "Church Lady" friends stood up and gave this diatribe about how the boy had committed a grievous sin and we should all pray for his soul so that he might be shown mercy. She also said that she hoped he would be there when she got to heaven, but only God could decide where he would spend eternity. She said this in front of the people who loved this boy. In front of his parents and siblings. I was seated next to my sister who had the strongest grip on my wrist. She could feel me shaking in fury, and was literally holding me down. Two years later, I still get angry when I think about it.

[Seal]

I've never been to a funeral like that, but if it were me I'd have had a hard time sitting there and taking that in. I'd probably consider "excusing myself to the restroom" and running far far away lol.

[Rescinded and Mended]

Resurrecting this thread because I have another horror story to share.

My good friend's brother died last week. The brother's wife went to church regularly, but he was on the fence about his beliefs. At the last minute, the brother chose to be "saved." The pastor of the church went to see him, and he (the brother) died shortly thereafter.

The funeral expenses began to pile up quickly. When my friend's sister-in-law asked her pastor to speak at her husband's funeral, he REFUSED. He said that since the guy hadn't attended regularly, he wouldn't perform the eulogy.

He did offer to be "rented" for $200.

My friend's SIL refused because they were poor from all the medical/funeral expenses. She just didn't have the money. The poor woman had to select Bible verses, get up on the podium, and eulogize her own husband.

This just makes me so sick on a visceral level. Where's the humanity, the sense of Godly, Christlike behavior that is supposed to be embodied by men who lead their churches? I've never been so ashamed of any man, and I've never even met the pastor.

[Arete]

Reading some of these makes me thank God Almighty that there are no eulogies at Greek Orthodox funerals. There is a Resurrection Liturgy and after the burial we all go get drunk and tell stories about the deceased. In my wicked youth I actually thought this was undignified.

[Rescinded and Mended]

Reading some of these makes me thank God Almighty that there are no eulogies at Greek Orthodox funerals. There is a Resurrection Liturgy and after the burial we all go get drunk and tell stories about the deceased. In my wicked youth I actually thought this was undignified.

That sounds a lot better than some of the stuff I've seen and heard about at recent memorial services, AreteJo.

The poor guy probably agreed to be saved just to make things easier on his wife with her church after he was gone. Looks to me like it's all going downhill for her now. I don't think the church has done a thing to help her since her husband passed. :angry-banghead:

[laura oz]

Resurrecting this thread because I have another horror story to share.

My good friend's brother died last week. The brother's wife went to church regularly, but he was on the fence about his beliefs. At the last minute, the brother chose to be "saved." The pastor of the church went to see him, and he (the brother) died shortly thereafter.

The funeral expenses began to pile up quickly. When my friend's sister-in-law asked her pastor to speak at her husband's funeral, he REFUSED. He said that since the guy hadn't attended regularly, he wouldn't perform the eulogy.

He did offer to be "rented" for $200.

My friend's SIL refused because they were poor from all the medical/funeral expenses. She just didn't have the money. The poor woman had to select Bible verses, get up on the podium, and eulogize her own husband.

This just makes me so sick on a visceral level. Where's the humanity, the sense of Godly, Christlike behavior that is supposed to be embodied by men who lead their churches? I've never been so ashamed of any man, and I've never even met the pastor.

That wasn't a man of God. That was one of those wolves in sheep's clothing that I think some book mentions we should beware of.

[Artemis]

I've never been to an English funeral when there was an altar call - I think we probably just don't do it. (Open to correction here.)

Funniest funeral - my Nanna's. Catholic funeral, loads of priests concelebrating mass as she had been a housekeeper for them, lots of Irish relations in black. Nanna's younger sister, the lapsed Catholic and now Buddhist, entered the church spectacularly, a little late, so when everyone was there, but before they started. She was wearing a bright red dress and chanting something. Probably 'om mani padme om'. Walked up the aisle and prostrated herself in front of the altar, arms outstretched in reverence. The two undertakers, all in black, hurried forward and hastily lifted her to her feet. . . . Nanna would have been in fits of giggles . . . . and it made for a lovely topic of conversation at the very boozy wake.

Most bizarre funeral. Very sad funeral of the mother of a child in my class. Attended by the woman's brother, discreetly chained to a policeman, including when he read the lesson. More policemen outside the doors. Brother was in for an extended jail sentence on a S47(paedophile) charge. At least one child he had abused was also there.

[nokidsmom]

My best friend was killed in a motorcycle accident 4 years ago. She was Catholic but left the church because of it's various issues surrounding women. Her funeral service was conducted by what seemed to be a fundie pastor who was a friend of the family. He did the proper eulogies and all, but ended the service with a "come to Jesus" call. I often wondered, considering my friend was pretty accepting of other people's faiths and beliefs, would have thought about that.

[FeministShrew]

My (much older) cousin died unexpectedly a couple of months ago. His funeral was the saddest, most awkward I've ever been to. The preacher didn't know him or anyone in the family, he was just someone the funeral home found. Cousin & wife didn't go to church, & apparently my aunt's preacher refused to do the funeral (even though she's very generous to her church - she's a millionaire, though not many people know it. I can imagine the preacher might have acted differently if he knew just how much she's worth!). The preacher didn't have time to meet with the family before the service, so we were treated to a half hour of every Southern Baptist funeral cliche, plus him asking the family questions about my cousin. He didn't even know if he was married or how old he was!

I came home & told my kids that when I die, cremate me. I want my friends & family to gather at a cookout, play my favorite music, watch some scifi movies, then spread me around the Blue Ridge Parkway.

[BornOKThe1stTime]

Yep. Been there, done that. Neither of my husband's maternal grandparents went to church much. But at the graveside services of both of them, the local fundie minister preached fire and brimstone and had an altar call at the end. It was particularly annoying at his grandmother's funeral because it was 110 degrees and there was only a tiny canopy for the immediate family providing any shade. The poor people standing in the noonday sun listening to the asshat preach for 45 minutes were sure they'd already died and gone to be with Satan.

[redcurls]

I thought I posted to this thread last time, but evidently not. Our preacher had been acting like a professional asshat for three years or so, but the beginning of the end came when he made an ass of himself at a funeral. A lovely elderly couple who are friends of the family lived next door to our church. The wife had struggled with Alzheimer's for many years and eventually died. The couple were Baptist but asked our preacher to participate in the memorial service since they were neighbors. He was asked to say a prayer. What the family didn't account for is that this preacher is the world's #1 attention whore and terrible all-around person. Everyone's attention has to be focused on him at all times, and he'll pout, cuss, accuse, and pretty much do anything to get all eyes on him. So our preacher got up at the memorial and prayed like he was asked to, but then started PREACHING THE FUNERAL, which he was NOT asked to do. He cracked lots of jokes about how handsome he was and how Mrs.B liked to watch him mow the yard... Really stupid immature bullshit. It ruined the entire memorial, which was meant to honor the life and accomplishments of a lovely, hardworking farm woman stolen away by Alzheimer's. It was terrible and embarrassing.