ThatWife calls (former) Bathroom baby a "jerk"

[AnywhereButHere]

Nailed it.

FWIW (My kids are adults now) - as I have said before - The person who coined the term "terrible twos" had not yet had a three year old.

Child development. Check it out.

As my mother told me when my son was born, the twos are nothing. It's the threes you have to watch out for! Actually, she told me all of the odd ages were the challenging ones, and so far anyway, she's been right. :)

The best advice I ever got as a parent was to check my expectations before I made plans. If the only purpose for an outing was to have fun and enjoy they day, well, then let the child lead it. If my son was having fun staring at the giraffes for an hour, then that's what we did. Screw the hippos. They'll be there next time. If there was a specific plan that had to be followed for whatever reason, then I had to expect that there might possibly be pushback from my toddler, and I'd have to deal with it and try to make the day as pleasant as possible for everyone.

She just seems like she has no flexibility. She gets an idea in her had of what every day/experience/interaction should look like and gets thrown when reality doesn't match expectation. Is she ever just content with her life?

[Izzybee]

What are the odds that this poor kid never gets to go to a zoo again?

"sorry, you ruined it for yourself last time. You've had your chance."

[Morton Fan]

She's just so COLD.

[2xx1xy1JD]

He's a cute prop for her pictures. He's fed and bathed, but she's got this odd view that he needs to fit into her adult world and expectations. She doesn't seem to be really able to relate to his perspective at all. She's had people point this out to her, but she's remarkably rigid on this point. In the comments, she did react favorably to the idea of seeing some of the behavior in a more positive way, but it still sounded like she had to stick him in a box with a label that pleased her. She can be happy that people see her with her cute child, but he's not really allowed to be a separate, independent little person with his own likes and dislikes and the freedom to be a kid.

Has she ever talked about her relationship with her parents?

[keen23]

I remember when Youngieson#1 was that little. (sigh) My dad would take him somewhere just about every week, but he would always make it a major expedition - like the Science Centre or a museum or something. I kept telling him that the little guy would enjoy taking a bus ride to the end of the line (the lakeshore) and back again. Total cost? about $5 total plus maybe some crusts for the geese. Or even just to the parkette around the corner to go on the swings. 3 year olds don't need big expeditions. Everything is new and amazing. If they want to see animals - take them to the local shelter or even a PetSmart on adoption day. You don't have to actually adopt an animal, but there are always lots of cats and dogs to see. At 3 years old, a big Newfoundland dog is just as impressive as an elephant. I saw 2 Newfie dogs at my PetSmart a while back and I was totally impressed!

Exactly. We've been known to take the kids to the local animal shelter to see the dogs and cats. Cost of admission- $0 (but we usually drop a $5 in the donation box). They are just as happy looking at dogs and cats for 30 minutes as they would be going out to the zoo for the day. In fact, there's less drama, because the animal shelter is about 3 miles from our house, while getting to the zoo is a production in itself.

Parenting Confession Time- last weekend, my 10 year old was acting out, because I only let her have one sleepover in a weekend- and she needed to pick one of the two she had been invited to ("IT'S NOT FAIR AND I HATE YOU FOREVER." was quickly followed by my response of "I guess you don't get to go to either.") Then I told her that she acts like a heinous bitch whenever she sleeps at anyone's house and I just wasn't letting her drag down everyone for the entire weekend. Yup, told her she was acting like a heinous bitch. Not my proudest moment, but it happened. Note that I didn't call her a heinous bitch, I said she was acting like one. If TW thinks 3 is bad, wait until the teenage hormones kick in.

[EmmieJ]

I have tried really hard to objectively think through how it would make me feel if my mom said to me “I invested in an opportunity for you at 3 years old and you deliberately made it a negative experience. You were being a jerk.â€

Her utter ignorance of how a 3-year old mind works (and doesn't work) is depressing. No 3-year old deliberately sets out to ruin his day, his mother's day, or anyone else's day. They live moment to moment. So he likes looking at maps. If I were his mom, I'd take notice and see if I could find a coloring book that was of various maps. See how my child responded - did they have fun coloring, tracing the lines, or was it a bust?

She doesn't take her child's wants or needs into consideration. He's just a little child. What he wants most is love and attention, which he probably rarely gets from her. She is the jerk, a selfish, self-centered, immature jerk. Poor kid - both his parents sound lousy.

[EmmieJ]

But most parents don't actively avoid spending time with their kids, and can generally, even at the tough times, enjoy their kids' company. And the context is just so... weird. You go for the kid, not yourself. If the kid is happy, even if they're not doing what you expect, call it a win and move on.

Bolded part - that's what's missing in ThatBitch's relationship with her child. Has she ever done anything selfless for that child? It seems that it's always been about what is most convenient for her, or making him conform to whatever weird ideas she has about behavior.

[Fun-Dee]

Her utter ignorance of how a 3-year old mind works (and doesn't work) is depressing. No 3-year old deliberately sets out to ruin his day, his mother's day, or anyone else's day. They live moment to moment. So he likes looking at maps. If I were his mom, I'd take notice and see if I could find a coloring book that was of various maps. See how my child responded - did they have fun coloring, tracing the lines, or was it a bust?

She doesn't take her child's wants or needs into consideration. He's just a little child. What he wants most is love and attention, which he probably rarely gets from her. She is the jerk, a selfish, self-centered, immature jerk. Poor kid - both his parents sound lousy.

That's the worse part for me as well. That he deliberately sets out to make her life miserable. I would bet that he is not allowed coloring books, because he wouldn't use them correctly and color inside the lines. Deliberately, of course.

[melk]

Meh. There's a difference between referring to a child as a jerk and calling him one to his face.

[rollmeover]

When my eldest was a toddler, we took him to a zoo and it was feeding time for the lions. They were roaring and clawing at the fences, but all he would look at were some weeds blowing fluffy seeds in the breeze. When they fed the crocs which was a cool display all he did was play with the chicken wire stapled over the walkway. We just thought it was funny and cute. I took some funny photos of him focussing on a weed while a lion roared a couple of feet from him. I don't get how this little one's behaviour - totally normal behaviour!- enraged his mother so much.

[Morton Fan]

Meh. There's a difference between referring to a child as a jerk and calling him one to his face.

Are you new to That Wife? Because she calls him a jerk, treats him like a jerk, and, in my estimation, probably calls him a jerk to his face as well.

[ADoyle90815]

Bolded part - that's what's missing in ThatBitch's relationship with her child. Has she ever done anything selfless for that child? It seems that it's always been about what is most convenient for her, or making him conform to whatever weird ideas she has about behavior.

This. She only had children because she bought into the Mormon idea that a woman's highest "calling" is to be a wife and mother. Children to her are nothing more than props for photos, and she's too selfish to realize that 3 year olds sometimes find trains at the zoo more interesting than the animals. I do think that if she weren't raised Mormon, she would have found someone who was actually attracted to her, and didn't need a PowerPoint presentation to convince him to marry her. She also might not have had children, or if she did, she would have been more mature and learned more about child development.

[Luvchild]

Here's the thing that bothers me, it's she expected to have a great experience. She expected the 3-year-old to act one way and then he didn't and now she's calling the 3-year-old a jerk for it. She's living in a fantasy world or something. I have 3 girls and not one of them liked going to Disneyland. They just all didn't like waiting in lines and they didn't have the overall joy for it as I thought they would. But I didn't get upset with them and call them jerks. And we went again and still the same reaction. In fact, no activity I ever planned with my kids turned out all rosy and like I thought it would. I just went with the flow. You have to go with the flow with kids most times. It's weird she'd say he acted like a jerk. It's like she can't stand him in just that one sentence and she put it in writing so everyone can see it. I feel bad for the little guy.

[JenniferJuniper]

Meh. There's a difference between referring to a child as a jerk and calling him one to his face.

This is TW we're talking about. "Jerk" is probably one of the more mild words she uses to insult him to his face, which is why she thinks absolutely nothing of using it in her blog.

[Jana814]

This woman is the worst mother ever. I think the kindest thing she could do with those kids is put them up for adoption.

Agree!

[Jinger Jar]

Putting the lack of understanding of child development aside, to disinhibit enough to call a toddler a jerk is troubling. To do it in a permanent way, by posting such thoughts on the internet, shows a lack of a sense of futurity. Clearly something's off with this woman - that's probably an understatement, actually - and I hope for her family's sake she gets help ASAP.

[Mecca]

Meh. There's a difference between referring to a child as a jerk and calling him one to his face.

What about referring to a child as a jerk on a public blog for all to see?

I am sure her son will really appreciate all the public shit talking his mother has been doing about him for the last several years on her blog. If anyone is a jerk here, it is ThatWife.

[Sunnichick31]

I'm no expert on kids, but when it's obvious that the kid only cares about one thing (in this case the train) wouldn't it be better to find the train, ride it, make the kid happy, and then maybe afterwards he/she will be more interested in other things?

[August]

My three year olds spent a lot of time conspiring to ruin my life.

That's why we only went places that we had memberships for.

[Mama Mia]

http://thatwifeblog.com/2013/04/27/t1s-birthday-celebration-and-t2s-blessing-weekend/#more-15511

In the interest of transparency, I have a HUGE issue with adults calling children names. Even "brat" makes me absolutely cringe. But seriously, this is a 3 year old (with possible developmental delays?). So he wanted to sit and look at the map. Who cares?

I think not allowing him to ride the train after he hit her in the face is fine, but that is no excuse for calling a toddler a "jerk".

Someone called her on it in comments. This is her reply:

It scares me that she thinks that a 3 year old is conspiring to ruin her zoo day. As usual, it's all about Jenna. :roll:

It's her second comment that really bothers me. When my oldest was about to start kindergarten we made a special trip to a water park, something she REALLY wanted to do. Got a sitter for the little sibling, spent money we couldn't afford to make it a big deal special day before she went to big girl school.

So of course once we were there she developed a huge fear of anything wet. Never mind she had loved water every single other time she had been in it. Or that this was the special place she wanted to go. She hated it. It was a zillion degrees and incredibly crowded. I'm sure at that moment I was thinking some not very nice thoughts - primarily along the lines of "THIS IS FAMILY FUN !!! SO HAVE FUN :angry-banghead: !!!!

Thank God that blogs and social media weren't invented yet - so I wasn't even tempted to save those feelings for prosperity.

But even if I had been impulsive enough to share with the world my frustration at that experience - I sure wouldn't then justify it in that way - with assuming that my child had some sort of evil intent on purposefully ruining the day. She was a little kid, she had a bad day with something we thought we would be fun. That happens. As a parent if you are thinking, after the event has passed , that your small child is purposefully being difficult just to make you miserable -- there is a problem. And it isn't with your kid.

[Hane]

She only had children because she bought into the Mormon idea that a woman's highest "calling" is to be a wife and mother. Children to her are nothing more than props for photos....I do think that if she weren't raised Mormon, she would have found someone who was actually attracted to her, and didn't need a PowerPoint presentation to convince him to marry her. She also might not have had children, or if she did, she would have been more mature and learned more about child development.

Times a zillion--or she might have discovered she'd be happier as single and childfree.

Mormonism, to my knowledge, is about the only Christian denomination that places such a high premium on (heterosexual) marriage, and bearing children--to accommodate the souls of the spirit children who are being created in the celestial kingdom. In an ex-Mormon forum I visit, women talk about being groomed for "a temple wedding to a returned missionary" from childhood on. Some have talked about girls' church activities in which they dress up in wedding gowns and write about what they want in a husband. (I've even seen links to these; I'll try to dig some up.)

Trufax: You can only get into the highest level of Mormon heaven (the "celestial kingdom") if you're a devout Mormon married to another devout Mormon. A woman who doesn't do so is often excoriated as settling for "less"--particularly if she lives in what's called the "Morridor," an area in the Utah environs where the LDS church is a powerful social and political establishment.

[Tesseract]

I'm no expert on kids, but when it's obvious that the kid only cares about one thing (in this case the train) wouldn't it be better to find the train, ride it, make the kid happy, and then maybe afterwards he/she will be more interested in other things?

Exactly. We had virtually the same response from our son. He loved the train. It was all about the train. So, ya know what, we rode the train. We looked at the animals on the way to the train, on the train trip (yes, over and over), and would take a different route back to the exit and look at those animals, too. It wasn't how we envisioned the trip, but, and here is the thing some of you have already pointed out, it was about spending happy, fun time with our son. After making the mental shift away from the standard expectations, we got to learn about our son, what he enjoyed, and had a wonderful time. My husband would go off at some point and take some pictures of things he wanted to paint, and the little one and I would keep riding the train. Over time, his interests expanded, and in a year's time, we were all over the zoo, but the train was always his favorite.

She is such an unhappy, self-centered mess.

[divadivine]

I think ThatWife is a jerk ass stick in the mud. Little kids love things like maps- they're colorful and there are pictures. It's like a maze. They're especially fun when they've never seen one before. Since she won't let him have toys out or play with things, he was probably excited to have something that was "his".

I'd expect a 3 year old to become fixated on something- like a map or the train and not be too interested in the animals at the zoo. He also probably couldn't see the animals very well if he was in the stroller. Who would be interested in an animal you couldn't see if you had a cool map and wanted to go to the train.

I don't have kids, but I was a teacher for 11 years- 7 of those in Kindergarten, so I know a little about kids. I don't think I would have called my students jerks. Turkey, silly goose, goofball, nutball [courtesy of Junie B. Jones], ... yes, I did call them all those things-- they were terms of endearment. I call my friend's children turkeys all the time. I think TW is not mother material. She had kids because that's what good Mormon wives do. She has her boy and her girl and she'll be done. In the meantime, the kids are little accessories and props for her pictures.

I can't believe she is breast feeding at all. She had a reduction and most women don't have much success breast feeding after a reduction. It's not impossible- it's just not as likely that you'll be successful. I had a reduction about 7 years ago. When I went for my consult, the doctor made it very clear that my chances of breast feeding after surgery could be compromised. I had a lot of milk ducts removed during my surgery- I had a lot of tissue- and I don't think I'd ever try to breast feed if I had a baby. The doctor said if I did have children, I could try to breast feed, but if it wasn't successful to not be upset. Especially after she had gotten the pathology report and she could tell she had removed a lot of ducts (several that were blocked according to pathology) in the operating room.

I feel sorry for TW's children. It makes me want to be their special auntie, who comes and rescues them a few hours each week and takes them out to do fun stuff.

Sorry if I sound like Taryn here. I have a sinus infection and my brain isn't working very well.

[Sola]

The more I hear about her the more I'm convinced it isn't just her son who is developmentally delayed. She comes across as fairly aspie to me. She seems completely unable to put herself in another's shoes and is unable to comprehend that her son has ideas different to her own. Her theory of mind seems quite shite.

[Sydney Fox]

The more I hear about her the more I'm convinced it isn't just her son who is developmentally delayed. She comes across as fairly aspie to me. She seems completely unable to put herself in another's shoes and is unable to comprehend that her son has ideas different to her own. Her theory of mind seems quite shite.

I think you might be right Sola. My whole original family and at least two of my children are Aspie. She reminds me of my sister who is completely incapable of understanding that other people have needs of their own. Sadly, my sister has an adult son who is still suffering the effects of growing up with her and her psycho ex-husband. I can only hope that there will be someone else in T1's life that will understand and love him, because there is little hope that his parents will. TH is just as self-absorbed as TW, IMO.