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luckylassie

Duggar Daughters Pursuing Men?

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luckylassie

I have never been a man before so I don't really know what attracts them and what doesn't. When the four oldest J'girls were talking in their room they said that girls turn the guy off (basically) when they try to initiate the relationship. Is this true for all?

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tehgoobster

FWIW, I remember reading (in He's Just Not That Into You) that guys generally like to do the bulk of the pursuing, but that doesn't mean that girls shouldn't show a bit of interest so that a guy can get an idea about whether or not she even wants to be pursued. As with all generalizations, however, that's not true for every guy. Some guys may want to be pursued.

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Beeks

I don't think this is purely a fundie belief. My mom used to tell me all the time "men like the chase" and other things along those lines. I believe men in general DO like the chase, but so do women. Women also like being pursued, and so do men. Different men and women probably like different amounts of each (chasing and being chased).

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tehgoobster
I don't think this is purely a fundie belief. My mom used to tell me all the time "men like the chase" and other things along those lines. I believe men in general DO like the chase, but so do women. Women also like being pursued, and so do men. Different men and women probably like different amounts of each (chasing and being chased).

Exactly. I just did a Google search on this, and not too surprisingly, there's quite a bit of diversity with opinions and preferences on this issue.

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CanadianHippie

Some guys won't make a move unless he knows for sure that a girl is interested. Some guys are too shy to make the first move and they need the girl to say "Hey, I like you, wanna go out?"

As a general rule, if someone says "all of x group of people are y" it's not true.

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debrand

It depends on the man, just like it depends on the woman.

By pursuing, I don't mean pushing yourself on the guy or girl. I mean letting them know that you are interested or asking them for a first date. Its foolish to continue to try to attract someone who doesn't return your phone calls or avoids you.

The Duggar and fundies like them are against giving any clues to the guy that they are interested. Even men who like to pursue the woman want to know that she is a little interested in them before hand. Or else, what's the point?

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Lainey

I've always heard men like to do the chasing. BUT...

My stepson--not to be creepy, but--he's extremely good-looking. But he has no self-esteem whatsoever. He never had a girlfriend until he was in his 20s, and his current fiancee started the ball rolling by dropping her number on his desk (or something like that...he was her instructor at computer school). I seriously don't think he has ever had enough confidence to go after a girl himself. He probably still wouldn't have a girlfriend if nobody'd gone after him. And the fiancee thing? She asked him. :mrgreen:

Jinger or Jessa or whoever it was, has no actual life experience, so how would she know? I wonder who told her that? Boob?

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liltwinstar

Well, I did initial "asking out" of my husband - we'd been flirting for a while, so I knew he was interested...I just got tired of waiting around for him to ask me! It worked out perfectly for us.

I never understood the whole "men like the chase" part. Once they have you...then what? I guess that's why fundies have internet filters and won't have lunch with friends of the opposite sex. Also, if *all* a man likes is the chase, he's not going to make a very stable husband/partner (in my opinion), since he'd constantly be looking for his next conquest.

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debrand
Well, I did initial "asking out" of my husband - we'd been flirting for a while, so I knew he was interested...I just got tired of waiting around for him to ask me! It worked out perfectly for us.

I never understood the whole "men like the chase" part. Once they have you...then what? I guess that's why fundies have internet filters and won't have lunch with friends of the opposite sex. Also, if *all* a man likes is the chase, he's not going to make a very stable husband/partner (in my opinion), since he'd constantly be looking for his next conquest.

:clap: That is a good point.

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CanadianHippie

Jinger or Jessa or whoever it was, has no actual life experience, so how would she know? I wonder who told her that? Boob?

...Her brothers, and probably that damned book they real. The author is way to chipper to be happy.

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Olive Plant

I would say that in my experience, guys do like to feel like they're initiating something... I mean, they rarely seem to like feeling like the girl made the decision for them and now they're in this relationship. There's usually some give-and-take, and it tends to fall somewhere on a sliding scale, which depends on the subculture and the person. But yeah, I've had a lot of experiences where I think the guy could easily have been interested if I hadn't been too obviously interested/ things hadn't moved too fast/ I hadn't been so much "one of the boys" and lost all mystery/ etc. But in retrospect I don't think those guys would have worked out in the long term anyway, so no big loss. I found that out more quickly than if I had dated or courted them, for sure.

After these experiences I'm more convinced than ever that waiting around for the perfect guy to approach your dad is a recipe for disaster. What if he'd been one of those non-compatible guys, and I married him because he looked good at first glance and because I was afraid nobody else would want me?

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PBrooke

Just like girls, guys like being in a "chase" they feel they can eventually win. Just like girls, guys do not like rejection. So they're not going to chase at all if there's not even the smallest indication that they have a shot.

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bananacat

I've pursued plenty of men and the vast majority of them like it. The few that get their panties in a twist over it are not worth having, IMO. I have no need for macho-man insecurities in my life and I have no intention of spending my time reassuring some dude of his masculine status. If he gets weirded out by me being his equal, I will take that as a giant red flag. But like I said, this is pretty rare.

But I guess the most important thing is that men are individuals, just like women. They all have different preferences and personalities and it's impossible to say what they like as a group because there's just too much variation.

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Sola

I did the 'chasing' with my husband. It wasn't exactly chasing as such, but I was the one who made the first move. It certainly didn't put him off! I think it depends on the man, some will prefer the woman to make the first move, especially if they are shy.

Seems that the patriarchal movement just wants to take everything that is natural away from it. For some men it might be natural that they are shy and would be unable to make the first move. Yet this forces them to do so. I would imagine it must be very hard to be a shy, non alpha male in the patriarchal circles.

I wonder what happens if the woman has doubts though. I don't think I have read a fundie blog as yet of the woman calling off the marriage. It seems as though it is a fait accompli when both fathers have approve the perspective young man. Just how much real choice does the woman have?

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gustava

As a male friend of mine once told me, " I chased her and chased her and chased her.....and finally she caught me."

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