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Heaping coals on those who abuse you **Trigger warning**


Koala

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I grew up with knowing the real meaning of the phrase, but I always still liked to imagine it as heaping REAL firey coals on one's enemy... because that's what these assholes deserve! (only instead of to the big head, I think the coals should be applied to the little one...)

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Sounds like this woman needed to learn some healthy boundaries. I don't forgive my abusers, and I dont forgive my bio dad for knowing about it and doing nothing to stop it. That is between them and god, or their conscience, or whatever. Honestly, their redemption is none of my business. I do, however, choose not to hold onto hate in my heart. This is for me, not them. They have never set eyes on my daughter, and never will. That's just boundaries. It isn't about hate, or anger. It's about keeping my girls safe.

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I will just say this - I'm pretty sure Joyce's parents were elderly and her kids were grown and some already married when she bought the house for them and took care of them. The kids were aware of the past because she's always discussed it in her teachings and wrote a book about it pretty early on in her ministry career.

I don't agree 100% with everything she says, but several of her books have helped me very much (particularly Approval Addiction, Battlefield of the Mind and Power Thoughts). I like Joyce, a lot.

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Children/grandchildren not being put at risk does make a difference for me, but I would worry about other people who read her books not making that distinction. "the bible says to forgive" has caused plenty of hurt, as abuse becomes generational. I've seen it happen in my own family. "I forgive you, so go ahead and spend time with my kids" can lead to more abuse. Forgiveness doesn't mean you just forget about everything the person did. It means you don't let hatred and anger take over your life. You move on. You try to become the person you were meant to be before that person turned you into a victim. I couldn't say whether her decision was best for her or not. Everyones journey to healing looks different. Im glad that her books helped you. I don't believe letting your abuser back into your life isn't neccesarily a sign of strength, nor is keeping your distance a sign of weakness.

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This is a similar story to what my father experienced. His stepfather beat the shit out of him for fun. Sad part, his mother ignored it and my father has never forgotten how his mother choose the asshat over him. Fast forward 30 years later, the grandkids were always at the sociopathic abuser's house and his ignorant wife. He wanted the love and approval of his mother so badly he tried to appease her with grandchildren. When I was young, I had an fever and got sick and the asshat forced me to sleep outside in freezing temperatures as punishment. This whole "killing with kindness" and shoving things under the rug to try to trick yourself into having the family you wished you had is just disaster waiting to happen. Something far worse could have happened to me.

I love my dad, he's very kind and never forced me into his conservative values when I grew into a liberal, but I will never forgive him for letting me near that man as trusting child. He let his overwhelming need to be loved by his neglectful mother cloud his judgement and endangered me.

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I will just say this - I'm pretty sure Joyce's parents were elderly and her kids were grown and some already married when she bought the house for them and took care of them. The kids were aware of the past because she's always discussed it in her teachings and wrote a book about it pretty early on in her ministry career.

I don't agree 100% with everything she says, but several of her books have helped me very much (particularly Approval Addiction, Battlefield of the Mind and Power Thoughts). I like Joyce, a lot.

I once tried to read Battlefield of the Mind after a pastor recommended it to me because I was struggling with depression and anxiety. I stopped reading it when she claimed that you can choose not to be depressed, struggle with anxiety, etc.

I know some people really love her, but I personally could stand her before I read about the story about her father.

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I can't trust that a sexual offender will not pose a threat.

The police didn't particularly want to arrest Evil Molester in our family because he was old and sick (had lost a leg to diabetes). Well, guess what? He was old and sick when he was molesting a small child, but that didn't stop him. On several occasions, he molested during family dinners when there were plenty of people around. Being old and sick didn't stop him or Toxic Relative from terrorizing the family when we said that he could not attend our wedding (where the child victim would be present). There was simply no such thing as safe and healthy contact. Until he died, we were even careful about distributing photos of our kids to other family members, since we couldn't risk that it would come into his hands.

That young child was not the first victim. They just bullied a prior victim into shutting up, and created an atmosphere where nobody dared to actually admit what had happened. If there had been a little less "forgiveness" and a little more justice and focus on safety, there wouldn't have been another victim.

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I can't trust that a sexual offender will not pose a threat.

The police didn't particularly want to arrest Evil Molester in our family because he was old and sick (had lost a leg to diabetes). Well, guess what? He was old and sick when he was molesting a small child, but that didn't stop him. On several occasions, he molested during family dinners when there were plenty of people around. Being old and sick didn't stop him or Toxic Relative from terrorizing the family when we said that he could not attend our wedding (where the child victim would be present). There was simply no such thing as safe and healthy contact. Until he died, we were even careful about distributing photos of our kids to other family members, since we couldn't risk that it would come into his hands.

That young child was not the first victim. They just bullied a prior victim into shutting up, and created an atmosphere where nobody dared to actually admit what had happened. If there had been a little less "forgiveness" and a little more justice and focus on safety, there wouldn't have been another victim.

Emphasis added.

I completely agree with what you wrote.

What a terrible thing to have to live through. You made the right choice in excluding that monster from your wedding and in protecting your children. Kudos.

Hywelis

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Just to be clear - I wasn't the child victim. I need to word these posts carefully to protect the identity of the victim. I will say that the rest of the family (ie. the non-evil people) were generally very protective of the child, and I know that some of the abuse literally occurred under my nose. That's why I have absolutely no faith in any naive belief in someone thinking, "X is so nice, I would know if he was an abuser" or "there are people around so nothing will happen".

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I think precious little of the abuse-victim's husband.

Look, I know forgiveness can be a powerful and good thing. But you know what? Most of us can forgive for ourselves more than for someone else that we love.

The asswipe who physically abused my sister would likely be 'accidentally' pepper sprayed by me if I met him in a dark alley. The jerk who broke my other sister's heart knows I wouldn't pee on him if he were on fire (unless, somehow, I could be sure he'd get some horribly disfiguring disease from my pee--then I'd burn myself to pee on him).

My dad *barely* managed to be polite to my mom's father during the 30+ years they knew each-other. My grandfather wasn't exactly the abuser (he was more the 'take the paycheck and leave your family penniless on the street/neglectful" charming asshole w/ a drinking and gambling problem). My mom forgave this man for everything he had done to her and her family. My father never forgave him--my dad wouldn't have let him in the house if my mom hadn't insisted.

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