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Woman from Above Rubies complains about family intervention


LynnGrey

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I subscribe to the Above Rubies email group (had to be dishonest to get accepted, but I was really curious to see what sort of things get said on there). This was posted recently with the subject "Family Seriously Questioning Our Life Choices", and I thought it was sad, mainly because her family appears to be suffering from their choices.

 

 

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Ladies,

 

We need help. The New Year brought a "family intervention" from extended family because we had been without a car for almost 6 months at that point. We had some money set aside, but not enough to get a reliable used car. We started to need rides after September. Previous to that others (non-family) had allowed us to borrow vehicles. It was mainly my husband's mom who started complaining to them. My husband would ask others as much as possible, but she just didn't want to help anymore, but didn't want to seem unloving and tell us "No."--which I understand. However, in order to get her point across, she involved her other three sons in this. Then the got a hold of a blog post that my daughter wrote personifying depression and one threatened, from hundreds of miles away to call the local authorities to investigate. We met with the extended family that lives locally--husband's parent, one brother and his wife. We talked and it is clear that unless we sacrifice our "sacred cow" of homeschooling and I get working, they would not continue to help us. They will not be happy unless we conform to their way. This is getting scary and upsetting our entire household.

 

When we received our tax refund we went out a bought a car that day. It is an older car, but my husband and I both felt God leading in such a wonderful, peaceful way that we are so thankful for this vehicle. But now, we received a "follow up e-mail" (which is a new thing really as it mostly addresses recent posts to one of my blogs). I really don't want to rehash all that was said, but while some of the concerns are valid (we have them ourselves) about our financial situation, their other concerns are not and they would know if they had any real contact with us. This one brother included the other two brothers, and the two wives that make up this "merry band" to comment and discuss. There has been no interaction with us for two days, but I am concerned that they may be limiting their interaction to themselves in order to "pounce," if you will. I am concerned about them calling the authorities, though they are not sharing any of their concern with my husband's parents (it would "kill" them, to know this was going on).

 

In fact beside a 2 minute "Hi, how are you? What's up) a couple of times with the one brother we met with, we haven't heard from any of them in just about 3 months!!!!! Before that it was even longer. We haven't seen one of brother's family in at least 2 years. They don't call or visit (those who live maybe not even 10 minutes from us). Of course we talk just about weekly with John's parents and have visited them a few times(only one car that seats 6 when there are 10 of us, they live 15-20 minutes away). We can't all go every visit. These extended family members think they know what our financial situation actually is, or what we are even like because over the last 4-5 years we have only seen them a handful of times.

 

I just was wondering if you could do me a favor and read the blog posts that are in question and let me know if they are "ridiculous", "cause grave concern". I agree they may be offensive to some. I also agree word choices may have not been discreet or I should have clarified (what I mean be "more strict"), but I really want to know what others think. We are being accused of spiritually abusing our children, brainwashing them, separating them from the world and their family who love them (like we don't?), mishandling the Word of God, etc. Please visit these posts if you can and leave comments to help me sort all this out. Basically, we have a "false faith" and we are not "hearing God" or His Word correctly. Are these accusations true? Are we guilty of what they are accusing us of.

 

Note: I do undestand that we should rely on others. We haven't been this car situation has been the only time my husband's brothers family has had to help us (we asked). Yes, my husband has relied too much on his parents in the past, but he has ceased from that for quite some time now. As far as tax payers--they use the public school system, we have only chose different government programs to rely on--ones less dangerous to our children's well-being. We are looking forward to starting our own business, but that will take some time and we are coming up with a plan that includes me working for some periods throughout the year, but not sacrificing our home life.

 

Here are the links of the two posts cited in the latest e-mail:

 

wp.me/p1j4b5-4e

 

wp.me/p1j4b5-44

 

If you want to know what our family is like for better complete understanding of this situation you can visit:

homefortheharvest.wordpress.com

500cubits.wordpress.com

(there is a post at 500 cubits "Keeping it Holy" that gives a look at one of our children's response to our "getting more strict.")

 

Again, if you read these and give me feed back it would help me at least have some peace of mind to know that we are not "ridiculous" "spiritually abusive" etc. And if we are and they are right, then it would help us as well.

 

Thanks ever so much,

T*********

 

PS: I am hurt and troubled by all this and I believe any encouragement will help us.

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Read a few of her blogposts and I must say she uses impeccable grammar, spelling and punctuation. Have not seen the one on depression, can't just now (personal issues).

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I'm not sure where the daughter's blog post is, but that is what I'd be most concerned about if I was her mother.. It sounds like that is what most concerned her husband's family.

But, it sounds like she is most concerned with the authorities being called.

I would get off my ass and get a job long before I had to depend on others for rides. What is wrong with these people?

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If the people who are closest to you are worried and actually want to get the authorities involved, there is a problem. I'm with kpmom on why the hell is she more concerned about the authorities than a depressed and possibly suicidal child? Priorities are wacked out here. She seems well spoken/written and intelligent, and I'm sure she could get a freakin job doing something. Hearing her ask for approbation about their interpretation of God's leading just makes me sad. She seems desperate for someone to tell her that they aren't nuts or crazy for their beliefs. Hopefully that questioning will open their minds to questioning the whole shebang.

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I think the family is justified in cutting them off. You can only do what you can do especially if the family members in question are refusing to help themselves (i.e. by mom working).

I don't think she included her daughter's blog in the links? I'd be worried about that too but she probably thinks depression isn't real or it can be solved by Jesus or something like that. I don't know if the daughter in question is 18 or older but if so maybe the other family could help her directly since she wouldn't need her parents' consent for treatment (who knows if the daughter is receptive to help though). I think this is a situation where it would have been good for the daughter to have an outside support system such as school, that way maybe she could at least meet with a guidance counselor or someone similar. I just feel for the girl, it seems like she clearly needs help.

Ugh and why does she have three blogs?!?

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I haven't found the one on depression, but reading her homefortheharvest blog, she seems to work very hard at her children's education, and gets help for the kids who need it. She's actually *gasp* gotten some of her kids tested for learning/processing issues. At least one of the kids is going to college, and is moving out. One daughter is *gasp* working a few hours a week. Even when she's taking a break (like after gallbladder surgery!), she seems to do more homeschooling than some of the bloggers we see. And, she's not having the older kids teach the younger ones, except for one older daughter who looks like she's been away and is moving back in. She's also flexible with the learning - one post she was trying to get the kids to "self teach", but then figured out that wasn't working and went back to planning lessons.

I found this post impressive:

homefortheharvest.wordpress.com/2012/06/10/tifhe-transformation/

But, reading this post, I could see why the family is concerned:

homefortheharvest.wordpress.com/2012/10/12/when-it-rains/

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Yeah, "We're not going to help anymore unless you change things" is a totally reasonable response to "I'm not going to get a job and we can't afford a car, so give us rides all the time."

I mean, seriously. If God doesn't want them to have a car, God should tell them to get walking. When I didn't have a car and couldn't afford a bike, I fucking walked to my job and saved up the bus fare til i could buy a bike.

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But, reading this post, I could see why the family is concerned:

homefortheharvest.wordpress.com/2012/10/12/when-it-rains/

Er... yeah. I mean, I can understand praying for strength in times of trouble. But begging God to give you suffering so that God can also provide you strength? :?

It does seem like they have a lot of debt/upcoming debt and the extended family's suggestion that she work was again, reasonable.

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I haven't found the one on depression, but reading her homefortheharvest blog, she seems to work very hard at her children's education, and gets help for the kids who need it. She's actually *gasp* gotten some of her kids tested for learning/processing issues. At least one of the kids is going to college, and is moving out. One daughter is *gasp* working a few hours a week. Even when she's taking a break (like after gallbladder surgery!), she seems to do more homeschooling than some of the bloggers we see. And, she's not having the older kids teach the younger ones, except for one older daughter who looks like she's been away and is moving back in. She's also flexible with the learning - one post she was trying to get the kids to "self teach", but then figured out that wasn't working and went back to planning lessons.

I found this post impressive:

homefortheharvest.wordpress.com/2012/06/10/tifhe-transformation/

But, reading this post, I could see why the family is concerned:

homefortheharvest.wordpress.com/2012/10/12/when-it-rains/

This is what I absolutely do not understand about bloggers. It seems to be basically an on-line diary where the entire world can listen to your fears, your daily activities, the days where your husband or your kids are driving you crazy, your lousy parent days, and every single rotten thought that ever goes through your head.

Why are they then surprised that people will sometimes be worried or react negatively ?

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Ladies,

We need help. The New Year brought a "family intervention" from extended family because we had been without a car for almost 6 months at that point. We had some money set aside, but not enough to get a reliable used car. We started to need rides after September. Previous to that others (non-family) had allowed us to borrow vehicles. It was mainly my husband's mom who started complaining to them. My husband would ask others as much as possible, but she just didn't want to help anymore, but didn't want to seem unloving and tell us "No."--which I understand. However, in order to get her point across, she involved her other three sons in this. Then the got a hold of a blog post that my daughter wrote personifying depression and one threatened, from hundreds of miles away to call the local authorities to investigate. We met with the extended family that lives locally--husband's parent, one brother and his wife. We talked and it is clear that unless we sacrifice our "sacred cow" of homeschooling and I get working, they would not continue to help us. They will not be happy unless we conform to their way. This is getting scary and upsetting our entire household.

She doesn't seem to recognize that her family and friends don't have unlimited time and resources. Maybe they are not refusing to give her rides because they want her to conform, but because they have reached their limit of what they can do for her? It is inconvenient to frequently give someone rides or loan them your car. It sounds like they would have gone longer without a car if their family and friends hadn't said something. If someone depended on me for rides that long, with no sign of change, I would feel they were taking advantage of me.

If you're going to depend on others for financial help long-term, they do have the right to say something about how you're spending your money. She seems to think her family is obligated to help her, but at the same time they have no right to question her actions or express any concern about the situation. Does she realize how entitled she sounds? And her family's concerns sound valid.

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sacred cow of homeschooling - you can still work (at night/shifts etc) and homeschool. Of course that would mean the headship would have to have some kind of parenting responsibility (other than providing cash). It would also mean you could afford a car.

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I do have to say that getting a job may be difficult, but if she also has younger children that would require day care... that can eat up a smaller paycheck and more... (I looked in to it in my area and if I were to get a job it would cost atleast twice what I could make to have my kids in daycare and that is not even factoring in the need for another car ) yes I agree it seems something needs to be done, and that relying on others for rides gets old fast, expecting someone to loan you a car every time you ask is just crazy...

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She doesn't seem to recognize that her family and friends don't have unlimited time and resources. Maybe they are not refusing to give her rides because they want her to conform, but because they have reached their limit of what they can do for her? It is inconvenient to frequently give someone rides or loan them your car. It sounds like they would have gone longer without a car if their family and friends hadn't said something. If someone depended on me for rides that long, with no sign of change, I would feel they were taking advantage of me.

Not to mention by them frequently using their relative's cars, they should be included in the insurance policy for those cars that they are driving more than 2-3 times/month. If they got in an accident it could spell bad news for everyone involved.

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From reading recent posts on her blog, she really doesn't come across as crazy or irresponsible in general. In fact, the excitement she has over her older children gaining independence and higher education is downright refreshing. I agree, though, the reliance on his family needs to stop; however, I bet the cost of childcare would probably be pretty prohibitive for her to work. Sounds like husband is a teacher? (Which makes me wonder what is so wrong with schooling outside the home??)

My brother and wife would love to have more children but they can barely cover expenses as it is; while this is so disappointing to them, at least they know that having more children they can't afford is not responsible parenting. (They too do things to try to improve the situation, but it won't change radically, quickly) I just don't understand these fundies who think god will provide, when its really their families and friends who have to.

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From the bits I read, he has at least two jobs, one of which is a teacher at the local christian school. She's also a former educator, and one of the reasons why she home schools is because they can't afford private religious schooling. Although I read a post that sounded like she would have anyways, but the "I'm an educator and we can't afford private school" offered a "cover" to friends and family that made it acceptable to home school.

She has a post about how she disagrees that only fathers should teach the children about god and religion, in part, because they aren't home enough to do it.

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I know that teachers at christian schools are very badly paid so that could be a part of the problem.

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Maybe he needs to go look for another job. Sure, he might want to teach in a Christian school, but if it's not paying the bills, then he needs to suck it up and teach somewhere else. Sometimes, the needs of your family outweigh your own wants.

I love to travel. I want nothing more than to go on an adventure right now. It's been 4 years since I've left my state, let alone my country. But, if I did that, we wouldn't have enough money to pay for diapers, clothes for my son, the car payment, the mortgage, or my husband's college tuition. Right now, my family's needs supersede my wants and desires. Someday, I'll be able to travel again, but there are bigger priorities at this time. Maybe someday, when they have no more kids at home, this woman's husband can again teach at a Christian school, but right now, it appears he needs to get a job in the public school system or a secular private school in order to support his family.

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I know that teachers at christian schools are very badly paid so that could be a part of the problem.

THAT. (There are probably some exceptions, but generally, the pay is horrible).

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Maybe he needs to go look for another job. Sure, he might want to teach in a Christian school, but if it's not paying the bills, then he needs to suck it up and teach somewhere else. Sometimes, the needs of your family outweigh your own wants.

In my general neck of the woods, teaching jobs are being cut. He's probably lucky to have that job.

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In my general neck of the woods, teaching jobs are being cut. He's probably lucky to have that job.

very true... where I am unless you are willing to teach in the middle of nowhere North... like 2 hour round trip to the nearest walmart... it can take 7 years once you graduate teachers college (with having many teachables and all sorts of "extras" to make you desirable). It is darn hard where I am (in a small city) to find a job that pays enough to support anyone... too many start at minimum wage and you are lucky if they go up at all. and getting any benefits? well ... lets just say that most places cut back to the plan that is "if you need it... it is not covered".

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How funny - I had the same thing happen to me (a relative telling me I needed to get a job) when I was fundilicious. However, like others have pointed out daycare would have made it prohibitive for me to work (my ex-headship would not have stayed home with the kids even though I could have made more money). On the homeschooling thing, maybe she should give it up as it does cost money to buy the resources necessary to do it correctly (I think - I looked into it, but the school district in my area is fine and I have to work). Maybe if they went to the evil public school they could put the money that would go towards homeschooling supplies could go towards something else.

I don't really feel sympathetic towards her after writing this ridiculous statement

The feminist IS the adulteress (in the mind or body–there’s no difference).
What a jerk.
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So this woman doesn’t like it when private individuals place stipulations around the help they’ll give her and her family? I’d suggest she remember this if she should ever find herself in the middle of a rant about the evils of government assistance.

And why the hell don’t she and her brood take the bus?

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We have one of those self-righteous, I'm following "God's Way," too good to support their own family and their desires types in our family. I'm never available to help, never have "spare cash," and will never aid them. If the kids are hungry, I'll take them out to eat or for a picnic, but the parents? Never. They don't take responsibility for their own actions and I simply cannot finance such immaturity and fecklessness. I can absolutely see why their family members are tired of it and expect them to support themselves and their children.

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This should be a hint to her that relying on the charity alone doesn't work.

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