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What are the perks of submission?


YPestis

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As someone who was a fundie when I first married, I would say the greatest perk was believing that I was doing what was Biblically correct and that I would be pleasing God. I remember being told that being holy in marriage was more important than being happy.

I've been visiting a lot of fundie blogs lately, trying to better understand myself. One thing I've noticed is that a good number of fundie women talk about the "freedom" and "happiness" of being totally submissive to their husbands. I would imagine that for some of these women these positive feelings come from finally giving up the fight for individualism and equality in a religion that preaches against both these things.

I've also read an interesting blog by a woman who didn't become a fundie until her 30's. I can't remember the name of the blog but it had a painting of the Virgin Mary on it. Until they became fundies she and her husband weren't churchgoers and he cheated on her numerous times. She described him as an "alpha" who always had women flirting with him and wanting to take her place.

From what I got from her blog, soon after being Christians they stopped using birth control and started following the Bible quite literally. I got the sense that she believed that if she totally submitted to her husband he would never cheat on her again. She had a lot of posts where she admonished women to submit to their husbands' sexual desires and she would often talk about all of the things she did to keep her husband sexually satisfied, which was odd for a Christian blog.

For her, submitting was a way to keep her husband tethered to her. Some of her posts were very sad, though. She'd often write about how her husband was better looking than her and intellectually superior. She wrote that there is no such thing as marital rape b/c when a man and woman become one body, it can't rape itself. She even posted that she didn't think women deserved the right to vote because they weren't as rational as men so she would ask her husband who to vote for and then vote accordingly.

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I'm an engineer and I went to school for chemical engineering, which has a reputation for being tough even compared to other types of engineering.

It was a lot of work and a lot of stress. I distinctly remember walking to my final for systems of differential equations 2. I was so anxious and nervous that I felt physically sick. It doesn't help that I have an anxiety disorder. So on the ~20 minute walk to campus, a bunch of random thoughts ran through my head. Not that I was seriously considering it, but I did wonder what it would be like to just give up on school, drop out, get married to some guy, and just never bother with math or responsibility again. I can definitely see why it would be appealing to just decide the work isn't worth it to continue on an independent path. In fact, I suspect that many of these fundie women have anxiety disorders.

But I realized that all of the stress I went through was far, far less than what it would be if I had just given up on everything. If I had become a submissive housewife, I would have no ability to change things for the better in my own life. My life could change at the whim of my husband. The uncertainty would be too difficult for me to handle. And as stressful as it is to worry about losing a job or finding a job, just imagine multiplying that by 100 when there's the potential to lose the husband you are completely dependent on.

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I'm an engineer and I went to school for chemical engineering, which has a reputation for being tough even compared to other types of engineering.

It was a lot of work and a lot of stress. I distinctly remember walking to my final for systems of differential equations 2. I was so anxious and nervous that I felt physically sick. It doesn't help that I have an anxiety disorder. So on the ~20 minute walk to campus, a bunch of random thoughts ran through my head. Not that I was seriously considering it, but I did wonder what it would be like to just give up on school, drop out, get married to some guy, and just never bother with math or responsibility again.

Even if you had, that would have been your decision, based on your assessment of your other alternatives. And, you would have still walked away w/ more marketable skills (again, giving you more choices to choose from should something terrible happen to your theoretical headship) than most of the fundie women we know.

(And, can I give a shout out to Diffy-Qs? Differential Equations was sweet, sweet fellowship for me.)

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...snip...

The way she explained it is that there has to be a tie-breaker. No one can agree 100% of the time. So, although your goal is to always get to agreement, if you don't, the man has the final say. She considers herself submissive, is proud she wakes up at 6am to make him breakfast (regardless what infant non-sleep experience she had), but isn't a simpering Duggar.

Actually, I have a few submissive wife friends, and they all see it this way. It's not about just never speaking your mind. It's about speaking it, putting forth your argument, but trusting that the final decision, from the man, is the correct one. To them, the benefit is minimizing conflict.

Maybe i'm just inexperienced, or really easy going, but why does there need to be a tie-breaker? How often do these people have discussions with their partner that can't be resolved? Shouldn't most of the "dealbreakers" have been discussed before they get married? Things like what kind of school you want your kids to go to, spanking, church, that all should have been resolved prior to marriage. Things like "I think we should have a garden and put it here" seem to me like the kind of thing that isn't a big deal or enough discussion will resolve the problem. Buying a house? It should work for both people, other wise you are both going to be unhappy. I just don't understand this Leader/follower mindset at all. It should be a partnership, and really you should know your spouse before marriage well, as to avoid long drawn out arguments over what color to paint the kitchen. Or go to school and take conflict resolution or something. I just don't get it.

And why on earth is your friend proud that she married someone who is unable to get his own breakfast while she takes care of an infant?

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Maybe i'm just inexperienced, or really easy going, but why does there need to be a tie-breaker? How often do these people have discussions with their partner that can't be resolved? Shouldn't most of the "dealbreakers" have been discussed before they get married?

Two reasons. These are generally people who think there is a right answer to every single question AND who can't ever bear to not be right. Compromise and changing your mind are bad and signs of weakness. They can't resolve conflicts in a healthy way and the man can't ever defer to his wife because that would make them weak and implicitly concede that there is more than one right answer to a question.

And why on earth is your friend proud that she married someone who is unable to get his own breakfast while she takes care of an infant?

No shit. Dude can't pour a bowl of cereal and fire up the coffeemaker? And get something for his wife, wife who apparently never gets a break from her duties, while he's at it?

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