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Most Women Would Rather Divorce Than Be A Housewife


NotALoserLikeYou

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My fundie friend posted this on FB today

http://thesocietypages.org/socimages/20 ... fallbacks/

with the following commentary:

Being a housewife and a homeschooling Mom are the best jobs in the world!! I am blessed that my husband allows me to stay home and be a housewife and works long hard hours to make it happen. Yes we sacrifice a lot. Yes we go without. Yes one income is hard at times. But the time spent honoring God's command, honoring and serving my husband and children are priceless!!!

and

This article is truly so sad. It is so full of feminist speak it makes my stomach turn. The saddest part is even among Christians today women would rather send their kids off to school. (wether they work outside of the home or are housewives) Husbands would rather see their wives working because then with two incomes they have that nice new car, nice new technology, nice vacations, nice big home, and plenty of toys and stuff! It's sad. I would be heartbroken if I had to send my kids to school everyday and go off to work for the no-longer-mighty-dollar!!

From the article:

Men’s most common fallback position is to establish a neotraditional division of labor: 70% hope to convince their wives to de-prioritize their careers and focus on homemaking and raising children. Women? Faced with a husband who wants them to be a housewife or work part-time, almost three-quarters of women say they would choose divorce and raise their kids alone. In fact, despite men’s insistence on being breadwinners, women are more likely than men to say they value success in a high-paying career.

The comments are interesting as well

I too found some of the language of this article troubling. I am a stay-at-home mom by choice, and also consider myself a feminist; I also don't see my marriage as anything other than egalitarian. Yes, I do most of the cooking, cleaning and child-rearing, and my husband is the sole breadwinner. But we both do the same amount of work, and we both have an equal say in family decisions. I don't think "egalitarian" has to mean that both partners do exactly the same thing.
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I hate how people say that women only want to work for the money. No, it couldn't possibly be because they want their own lives without having to depend on anyone. It couldn't possibly be because they enjoy their job. It couldn't possibly be that a woman would go stir-crazy from being at home all the time (I know I would, I can't even stay home for a day without wanting to go out and do something). And yeah, if the ultimatum your husband is giving you is "housewife or divorce", then get out and divorce his ass, quick.

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I hate how people say that women only want to work for the money. No, it couldn't possibly be because they want their own lives without having to depend on anyone. It couldn't possibly be because they enjoy their job. It couldn't possibly be that a woman would go stir-crazy from being at home all the time (I know I would, I can't even stay home for a day without wanting to go out and do something). And yeah, if the ultimatum your husband is giving you is "housewife or divorce", then get out and divorce his ass, quick.

I'd actually amend that to: If your husband gives you an ultimatum, get out quick.

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Back in the '70s, when more and more married women were returning to college and the work force, a snide male commentator said that was the kind of thing women probably did when the ironing basket got so full they didn't want to face it. And I instantly thought, "And that's a bad thing WHY???" Better to stay home and iron (in the age of permanent press, no less!) than to go out and improve your mind and/or your finances?

For the record, there was a time in which I'd have preferred to stay home and care for my child than hold an outside job, but was not married to someone inclined to carry the entire financial burden of our household.

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You can bet he wasn't grabbing the iron himself.

I plan to work just enough to pay my cleaning lady and restaurant bills.

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I think it's great when parents---mum or dad---are in a position to take time away from paid work to spend more time parenting, if that is what they want to do. "Want" being the operative word here.

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I have been a SAHM for 5 months now - we are at a point in our lives where we can afford to do that - but honestly, there are days where I just go stark nuts with boredom. If I get another job or do something else besides simply being a SAHM, it won't be for the money. It will be because I am bored to tears - because, let's face it - I have no idea what some people do at home all day long. Granted, we only have one kid - but I clean my house all the time (bored), I have purged and organized our stuff within an inch of it's life (bored again), I cook everything from scratch, I make my own laundry detergent, I make my body care products, I make my own house cleaning products - and I am still bored.

I'm not saying I don't love being a mom - I do. But I also need to see other people and get out and DO something.

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I'm pretty sure that -- if my husband's opinion were all that mattered -- he'd rather I just focused on the home and kids. I'm currently starting my own business while home with a baby full-time and man, I am stressed, and working a bit too hard. While he appreciates my drive, it is also driving him mad.

But. His opinion is not the only thing that matters, and he's supportive of my happiness. We try to find a balance so we can both be happy and have our needs met.

Aaaand to me, that's the difference between a divorce-worthy attitude and not.

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The important part is that a bunch of men say "oh yeah, i would like things to be egalitarian. BUT if that is difficult, I would expect my wife to cut back on her career to take care of the kids."

And women say "I would like to be in an egalitarian relationship, but if that is impossible because Dudebro won't step up, I'll just do it myself." That is, it is better to take care of yourself and some kids than yourself, some kids, and a man who SAYS he wants you to be able to further your career but if the chips are down he's not going to fall on that sword.

Because that IS a possible fallback option "Ideally I would like us both to have careers and split child raising evenly, but if that is not possible for some reason I will limit my future earning prospects to make sure my children get the care and attention they need."

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I'm a sahm and thats the way both DH and I decided it. I am grateful that he goes to work and he is grateful I am here at home taking care of the housework and children. We are fortunate we can work it this way. I would hate to be juggling work with sick kids/school holidays. Yes the extra money would be nice but I suspect the majority of it would go in childcare costs.

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The important part is that a bunch of men say "oh yeah, i would like things to be egalitarian. BUT if that is difficult, I would expect my wife to cut back on her career to take care of the kids."

And women say "I would like to be in an egalitarian relationship, but if that is impossible because Dudebro won't step up, I'll just do it myself." That is, it is better to take care of yourself and some kids than yourself, some kids, and a man who SAYS he wants you to be able to further your career but if the chips are down he's not going to fall on that sword.

This.

I would rather divorce than be forced by my husband to stay home. I can't imagine staying home, because after awhile I would have to turn into SuperVolunteer just to get out of the house. For two weeks or so, it's nice. Then I start itching to get back to work.

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I want to write a blog where I pull random things out of my butt to justify my own self righteousness. Nothing based on fact but things that are true because I think they are true!

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I really dislike the basic idea behind that study - that equal=pulling in the same amount of money, putting in the same amount of housework. You can have an egalitarian relationship while one person is out making money and one person is home with the kids.

Also, I don't know where the hell they find these people. I am freaking old, and even in my age group I don't know of husbands who insisted their wives stay home. There were, of course, a few stay-at-home moms and a couple of stay-at-home dad's - but no guy insisting that his wife not have a job.

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Husbands would rather see their wives working because then with two incomes they have that nice new car, nice new technology, nice vacations, nice big home, and plenty of toys and stuff! It's sad.

Oh for Pete's sake. My husband would rather see me working because he prefers a happy wife, and because he fell in love with who I am, which includes my being a professional musician. It's not just a job to me; it is food, water and air. The fact that I make a fair amount more money than my husband, who is a teacher, is just gravy.

Neither of us values toys, pretentious homes or cars. We do value private music lessons, cross-country trips to see aging parents, and college educations for our children.

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I would really like to see the original study, specifically how the question was asked. It kind of looks to me that the article's author is putting their own spin on the results to claim that women would divorce rather than be a SAHM, whereas the actual graph appears to state that women would prefer "self-reliance" over a "neotraditional" role. There is a fair amount of gap between those two positions.

Because really, if asked the question "How would you prefer to structure your life if an egalitarian relationship wasn't possible?" And the choices were:

a) Traditional SAHM-hood with a male breadwinner

b) Divorcing and becoming a single parent

vs.

a) Being the one who cleans the toilets

b) Being the one who makes the money

And if the question is as phrased in my first scenario, for 70% of women to choose B is indeed a very startling result (and one that really doesn't mesh up with my experience of the world... it seems like everybody, even career-driven types, at least considers SAHMing at some point). But it is not that startling that a lot of women would choose option B in my second scenario... it's basically the same as a man choosing the "neotraditional" model. And it'd be a much more sensible question to ask rather than the "Do you want to be June Cleaver or wreck an otherwise successful relationship" postulated by the article.

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I have been a SAHM for 5 months now - we are at a point in our lives where we can afford to do that - but honestly, there are days where I just go stark nuts with boredom. If I get another job or do something else besides simply being a SAHM, it won't be for the money. It will be because I am bored to tears - because, let's face it - I have no idea what some people do at home all day long. Granted, we only have one kid - but I clean my house all the time (bored), I have purged and organized our stuff within an inch of it's life (bored again), I cook everything from scratch, I make my own laundry detergent, I make my body care products, I make my own house cleaning products - and I am still bored.

I'm not saying I don't love being a mom - I do. But I also need to see other people and get out and DO something.

You need to cut that shit out -- you're making the rest of us look bad. :lol:

And spend more time on the internet, duh. Best time-waster ever invented.

:confusion-confused:

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I really dislike the basic idea behind that study - that equal=pulling in the same amount of money, putting in the same amount of housework. You can have an egalitarian relationship while one person is out making money and one person is home with the kids.

Also, I don't know where the hell they find these people. I am freaking old, and even in my age group I don't know of husbands who insisted their wives stay home. There were, of course, a few stay-at-home moms and a couple of stay-at-home dad's - but no guy insisting that his wife not have a job.

The attitude in question doesn't manifest by the husband insisting his wife stays home. It manifests itself in a thousand small actions where the husband doesn't support his wife's career, where he doesn't leave early to collect the kids, where he doesn't take time off to be with the sick kid(s), where he makes plans on the weekends so his wife can't finish the work she brought home, where he doesn't want her to go on a business trip because then he will have to do more work at home, where he doesn't go to the parent/teacher conference or swim lessons or sports practice because he "can't," he has to work and he "makes more money so his job is more important."* The husband does those things because he assumes that his wife will pick up the slack. And she does because that stuff has to be done. So, yes, I can totally see why such a wife would want to divorce rather than be a SAHM. With such a husband, she's pretty much a single parent anyways. She may as well get to call the shots in her own life.

*: All real life examples from families I know. It's passive aggressive bullshit but if you ask any of these guys, they will tell you to your face, "Of course I want my wife to work." They're just not willing to put in the extra effort to support a two career family.

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I was a SAHM for a long time, then I went back to school when my youngest started first grade and hubby got laid off (again.) It's what I wanted and he was happy with that. He'd have been fine if I'd wanted to work too, but we both thought someone home with the kids was ideal (3 kids in 2 years as the second was twins.) I agree with the PP, I'm old too now and know no one whose husband forced them to be a homemaker. I did used to work with a lady whose husband tried to do that, but she worked anyway and he told her that was fine but SHE was doing all the housework, etc, just like a housewife would. She was a bit older than me, probably 10 years, so in her 50's now. I wonder if she's still married. Regardless, I'd rather be divorced then married to a man who thinks he's the boss of me.

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Correct me if I'm wrong, but most women choose SAHM to be with their children, not to do housework, the housework just tags along.

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I'd rather be a SAHM.. I like spending the time with my kids, but I'm also very shy and have a lot of social anxiety and stuff that makes it difficult for me to work any job that involves interaction with, well, other human beings. :shock:

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I am the primary breadwinner in my marriage (incidentally, it's my financial success that has allowed my husband to pursue a job he loves in a realtively non-lucrative field, which seems very help-meety to me, but i digress). We don't presently have children, but will likely start trying within the next year or so.

We've discussed the idea of my husband leaving his job to become a stay at home dad... Right now, his salary would pretty much be eaten up by childcare costs. Ultimately, though, it's not the right decision for our family; in his words, even though staying in the workforce doesn't necessarily make sense right now, he's not working for the "right now." He wants to build his career and grow in it, and opting out would limit his ability to do this.

I agree with him that this is the right decision for us. I also see that this position comes from an enormous place of male priviledge. I often wonder, if the roles were flipped, if I'd be empowered to make the same decision--I know my husband would support me 100%, but I have a sneaking suspision that societal pressures would take their toll. Meanwhile, I can't imagine ever not working, partly because it's not a financial reality and partly because i'm really damned good at my job, and derive a lot of pleasure from it.

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I really dislike the basic idea behind that study - that equal=pulling in the same amount of money, putting in the same amount of housework. You can have an egalitarian relationship while one person is out making money and one person is home with the kids.

Also, I don't know where the hell they find these people. I am freaking old, and even in my age group I don't know of husbands who insisted their wives stay home. There were, of course, a few stay-at-home moms and a couple of stay-at-home dad's - but no guy insisting that his wife not have a job.

QFT! In this household I am the sole breadwinner while Mr. Mice is the full time SAHD for our 5 kids. He does way more household chores than I do and I bring in more $ than he does. We still have an egalitarian relationship. I think the fundies get messed up when they start defining marriage as a job description rather than a relationship. They get confused about what egalitarian means because their context is so different.

I also don't know where the hell they find these people. I call BS on the quoted statistics.

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The attitude in question doesn't manifest by the husband insisting his wife stays home. It manifests itself in a thousand small actions where the husband doesn't support his wife's career, where he doesn't leave early to collect the kids, where he doesn't take time off to be with the sick kid(s), where he makes plans on the weekends so his wife can't finish the work she brought home, where he doesn't want her to go on a business trip because then he will have to do more work at home, where he doesn't go to the parent/teacher conference or swim lessons or sports practice because he "can't," he has to work and he "makes more money so his job is more important."* The husband does those things because he assumes that his wife will pick up the slack. And she does because that stuff has to be done. So, yes, I can totally see why such a wife would want to divorce rather than be a SAHM. With such a husband, she's pretty much a single parent anyways. She may as well get to call the shots in her own life.

*: All real life examples from families I know. It's passive aggressive bullshit but if you ask any of these guys, they will tell you to your face, "Of course I want my wife to work." They're just not willing to put in the extra effort to support a two career family.

QFT. I'd like to think we just happen to know the same people, but I think it's probably pretty common. The men I know in this situation would get offended if someone pointed out to them that they are not actually as progressive and egalitarian as they like to think they are. And it's hard for the moms to know what to say. They don't want their kids (especially sons) to assume this how things should be. But they don't want the kids to feel guilty about normal things like needing to see the doctor, and they don't want to badmouth the father either.

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The attitude in question doesn't manifest by the husband insisting his wife stays home. It manifests itself in a thousand small actions where the husband doesn't support his wife's career, where he doesn't leave early to collect the kids, where he doesn't take time off to be with the sick kid(s), where he makes plans on the weekends so his wife can't finish the work she brought home, where he doesn't want her to go on a business trip because then he will have to do more work at home, where he doesn't go to the parent/teacher conference or swim lessons or sports practice because he "can't," he has to work and he "makes more money so his job is more important."* The husband does those things because he assumes that his wife will pick up the slack. And she does because that stuff has to be done. So, yes, I can totally see why such a wife would want to divorce rather than be a SAHM. With such a husband, she's pretty much a single parent anyways. She may as well get to call the shots in her own life.

*: All real life examples from families I know. It's passive aggressive bullshit but if you ask any of these guys, they will tell you to your face, "Of course I want my wife to work." They're just not willing to put in the extra effort to support a two career family.

QFT.

Also, Bluemilk had a really excellent post about this exact same study - most of the problem is that it's so fucking hard to have an egalitarian parenting relationship because of public policies & workplace issues.

Also, I LOVE not working. Really really love it. I never worked more than I absolutely had to (hooray for part time jobs with health benefits, when they exist.) I would totally rather spend my time on political work and socializing. Our schools, by the way, depend very very heavily on unpaid volunteer work to even function.

But totally aside from that, it is really fucking hard to manage caring for anyone with special needs - including anyone with an acute injury or chronic illness - within the bounds of a 40+ hour workweek with up to 10 sick/vacation days a year, which is pretty standard in the States. Right now I have several only-responsible-child unmarried MALE friends who are trying to care for elderly parents and going "oh wait this shit is hard to balance with working full time."

Fuck, I had a friend whose husband got a brain injury in a commuting accident last year, and managing his health care needs was basically a full time job for at least several months. When we were in the NICU with my son, there was a dude there we only saw very late at night, in his business suit, looking half dead himself - he had a wife who had a heart attack and then heart surgery while giving birth, and a preemie baby in NICU, and was trying to work his job while dealing with that (probably because they couldn't afford to take unpaid FMLA and cover all the medical bills.)

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oh here's another real life example of a "sure i think you should work" dude. My ex brother-in-law, he thought it was great for his wife to go back to school and get a job, except he would randomly not come home when he was supposed to, so the kids got home from school to a locked up house, or it would be Monday morning and he hadn't come back from his business trip like he was supposed to so how could she go to school?

She actually did choose divorce & single parenting and it's been AWESOME for her. The people at her job appreciate her way more than her family ever did. Also, now when he slacks as a dad grandma takes over, so someone is always covering his half of the parenting.

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