Lori-Respect your husband even when he's being a dick

[AtroposHeart]

How do I handle it when my husband falsely accuses me? I want to be submissive, but do I just say "yes, dear" even when it is not true and he knows it? He has anger issues and wants to blame me whenever anything goes wrong. I find myself trying to prevent things from going wrong. My husband gets angry at me for doing that. But if I don't, and things go wrong, then he takes it out on me, too. Could you please tell me how to handle this? How am I supposed to submit in this situation?

This was a question posed to me on my post entitled In Rebellion To God in which I share what God has been teaching me about submission and what it truly looks like in every area of my life. I have been asked this question recently from several young women.

The last several mornings I have been reading and meditating on I Peter 2 and 3. I encourage all of you to study it because God gives us an amazing picture of what true submission looks like. I wrote to this woman and told her she needs to respond in silence for Scripture tells us our adorning as wives needs to be "the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit which is in the sight of God of great price."{I Peter 3:4}

I Peter 2:20 we are told, "if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God" and in I Peter 3:14, "But and if ye suffer for righteousness; sake, happy are ye: and be not afraid of their terror, neither be troubled."

Let us examine two situations. A husband falsely accuses a wife of spending money she didn't spend. She yells back at him and tells him off. "I did not! Stop calling me a liar! You always accuse me of things that are false!" Then she storms out of the room, slams the door, and gives him the cold shoulder for the next week.

Another husband falsely accuses a wife of spending money she didn't spend. The wife simply responds, "No, I didn't spend that money and I am truly sorry if you don't believe me." He continues to falsely accuse her and she simply sits there quietly listening to him. When he is finished, she gets up and goes about her work in the home with no anger towards him, no cold shoulder, but continues to treat him with love and respect.

Which one do you think has a better chance of winning her husband? God knows what works! We will win them without a word. We are to heap burning coals {tons of love} upon our enemies' heads for it is love that wins others, including our husbands, not a tongue lashing or arguing.

http://lorialexander.blogspot.com/2013/ ... cused.html

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

Jeez, it's like she has a compulsion.

[snarkyjan]

Yeah, Lori if my SO is a dick, I'm supposed to listen to the maunderings of a guy who deserted his wife and family to go meandering the countryside, trawling for heathens to god-bother.

[Hisey]

I am sure it's not OK for a wife to false accuse a husband. No, that would be bitchy and naggy, something only men get to be.

[lilith]

If I'm fighting with Partner about something and I silently listen to him even though I don't agree, get up, and then pretend like it didn't happen I'd be being a passive aggressive bitch and he would rightly feel ignored and frustrated.

Adults talk things through.

[ShadowyOne]

What I don't understand is that those clearly aren't the only two scenarios. The wife can also say, look, let's pull up the bank account/credit card statement: I haven't spent this money. Or giving whatever reasonable argument can be presented in any given scenario, rather than either throwing a fit and then "giving the cold shoulder" for a week, or just submitting. A reasonable give and take is what most successful relationships have, am I wrong? I'm not saying that my husband and I haven't had a few drag-out fights that are emotional (going beyond the realm of calm reasoning), but they're not that common, and for the most part, we can each present our point of view. Ugh. Why is the world so black-and-white to these folks? I really just don't get it.

[AtroposHeart]

What I don't understand is that those clearly aren't the only two scenarios. The wife can also say, look, let's pull up the bank account/credit card statement: I haven't spent this money. Or giving whatever reasonable argument can be presented in any given scenario, rather than either throwing a fit and then "giving the cold shoulder" for a week, or just submitting. A reasonable give and take is what most successful relationships have, am I wrong? I'm not saying that my husband and I haven't had a few drag-out fights that are emotional (going beyond the realm of calm reasoning), but they're not that common, and for the most part, we can each present our point of view. Ugh. Why is the world so black-and-white to these folks? I really just don't get it.

Black and white is the meat and potatoes of fundamentalism

[2xx1xy1JD]

Does this blog get sicker by the day?

Let's summarize, shall we, what we are supposed to be learning:

1. If a husband is going to be a complete asshole - getting angry, ranting and raving about something you didn't do - just be quiet, submit and take it. Somehow, not objecting to or correcting this behavior, but just accepting it and being perfectly loving, will win out and he'll magically come around. This sort of magic, no-criticism-just-loving-acceptance approach only works on husbands, however. Wives and children need the harsher and more direct approaches described below.

2. If a wife dares to express an opinion or not be completely submissive, OTOH, the husband is supposed to tell her off and point out that G-d has commanded her to listen to the partner with a penis. She will realize that she is married to a man who NEEDS to be in control, he will tell the world that he gets his kicks out of seeing her deny her own personality and just bend to his will, she'll confess to him that she's been a naughty girl, and we'll all get sick feelings in our stomachs reading this stuff.

3. If children even think of being defiant, or if babies show any independent wishes of their own (like having food preferences), parents need to beat it out of their kids with the rod. Even if it's perfectly possible to raise good kids without spanking - you've got to beat them anyway, to follow the bible.

I'm happy to give marital and child-rearing advice to anyone. It's pretty basic - read Lori's advice, then do the opposite.

Husband who get angry and blame won't spontaneously stop. Why should they? They are following a pattern that feels familiar to them - they've probably done it throughout the marriage, and probably saw their fathers treat their mothers the same way. It's human nature to blame others. So, what do you do about it? Well, if you are my MIL, you passively take it for years because at least it's less abusive than your own batshit crazy parents were, you complain to your kids in tears, and you continue to go on with the cycle that never changes. If you are me, the first time that your husband says anything remotely blaming on your honeymoon, you stop in your tracks, say "excuse me, WHAT did you just say?" and then tell him that you didn't marry his father and never want to have that dynamic in your marriage. You resolve to treat each other with respect, and not do knee-jerk blaming. [You will also be gracious when you open your mouth on your honeymoon, hear your mother's voice come out, and he calls you on it. Fair is fair.] You also pull him aside if you see him ever treating his mother that way, and point out that while you know he loves and respects her, she deserves to get that respect even when he's tired or frustrated or upset. He agrees (and you also agree to stop acting like your mother). Together, the two of you work hard to try to challenge old patterns and forge a relationship with mutual respect, and you each nip issues in the bud before they get to be toxic habits.

[Arete]

Uh, does Lori realize that those verses in Peter that she gives is speaking about suffering in righteousness when you are being persecuted for staying true to your relationship with the Divine? Right, because that is kind of a big thing to leave out of the exegesis of those verses.

Here is one line before the verse Lori quotes:

1 Peter 2:19 For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.

Note that it is not instructing wives to be doormats and endure physical and psychological abuse at the hands of their husbands. What a twat.

[argypargy]

I just can't. If your husband's being a dick, you don't lie down and take it. Most likely this type of situation will become more and more abusive. I fucking hate these people.

If you're a woman, your job is just to sit and take it. Mmm hmmm...yeah. :evil:

[argypargy]

If I'm fighting with Partner about something and I silently listen to him even though I don't agree, get up, and then pretend like it didn't happen I'd be being a passive aggressive bitch and he would rightly feel ignored and frustrated.

Adults talk things through.

Yes. This. God forbid you both act like adults and talk about it, rather than acting like petulant children.

[ThisOlGirl]

What kind of asshole essentially accuses their spouse of stealing money (even though it's not really stealing because it's THEIR money)? If I was doing the bills and came up short, my first reaction would be to ask my partner "Hey Partner, we seem to be missing X dollars. Do you know what that's from? Oil change for the car you say? Ok, thanks."

My mistake--Lori's husband is probably that kind of asshole. What a miserable life.

[socalrules]

Maybe it's just me but I have no desire to "win" over a man, or anyone, who treats me like shit. It pisses me off that people like Lori act as though the only way to find favor with God is to allow yourself to be treated like shit.

Does she realize how stupid she sounds when she says you should heap a ton of love on your enemy? If your husband is your enemy, you have problems that need more than prayer to fix. Many women have thought that, with enough love, they could change their spouses. I guess in Lori's world, many of them just didn't heap enough love or they wouldnt have ended up in the morgue.

[VooDooChild]

Uh, does Lori realize that those verses in Peter that she gives is speaking about suffering in righteousness when you are being persecuted for staying true to your relationship with the Divine? Right, because that is kind of a big thing to leave out of the exegesis of those verses.

Here is one line before the verse Lori quotes:

Note that it is not instructing wives to be doormats and endure physical and psychological abuse at the hands of their husbands. What a twat.

Well, of course she takes the verse out of context! She has to justify her kink somehow!

Her example scenarios are alway one extreme or the other. Balance is never an idea that crosses her mind. What a sad life. I'm starting to feel sorry for her.

[MarsGirl]

Wow. Just. Wow.

[SpeakNow]

Other than the fact that I also think that screaming and slamming the door is a bad way to solve a dispute, I can find nothing remotely useful or intelligent in Lori's drivel.

[yewchapel]

I really think Lori has unresolved issues with kink and sexual repression. Lori, just admit it - you like being a submissive. Just don't dress it up as God's will for women, because it's not and you put women and children in danger with that.

[AnywhereButHere]

She would have loved the "discussion" my husband and I just had! :D When we think the other is being unreasonable, we call each other on it. You know, accountability. They all seem to like that word, but I guess not when it’s the wife holding the husband accountable for his actions/ideas.

Lori has made frequent references to her life before she became the submissive wonder she is today, and how much better her life is now that she gives in to Ken in all things. I don’t think I want to imagine how that transformation came about. If it was truly just her wanting to make some behavior changes and implementing them, well, that’s kind of sad, but hey, her choice. If there was “coercion†on the part of Ken though, that’s disturbing.

[lilwriter85]

She would have loved the "discussion" my husband and I just had! :D When we think the other is being unreasonable, we call each other on it. You know, accountability. They all seem to like that word, but I guess not when it’s the wife holding the husband accountable for his actions/ideas.

Lori has made frequent references to her life before she became the submissive wonder she is today, and how much better her life is now that she gives in to Ken in all things. I don’t think I want to imagine how that transformation came about. If it was truly just her wanting to make some behavior changes and implementing them, well, that’s kind of sad, but hey, her choice. If there was “coercion” on the part of Ken though, that’s disturbing.

I think for Lori, the change to submissive wife wasn't too difficult. I think she grew up in a somewhat submissive home, every once in awhile she praises her mom for being a SAHM. She did trash her dad in a few blog postings by saying he wasn't a great leader or something. I get the strong feeling that her mom and dad follow the same beliefs as she Ken and do. I think Lori had a sort of weak personality that Ken managed to manipulate by using religion and the Bible. I remember some post where she said that she used to be disrespectful to Ken years ago, but he put up with it. I bet that she probably wasn't even being disrespectful but Ken twisted things around.

[2xx1xy1JD]

Maybe it's just me but I have no desire to "win" over a man, or anyone, who treats me like shit. It pisses me off that people like Lori act as though the only way to find favor with God is to allow yourself to be treated like shit.

Does she realize how stupid she sounds when she says you should heap a ton of love on your enemy? If your husband is your enemy, you have problems that need more than prayer to fix. Many women have thought that, with enough love, they could change their spouses. I guess in Lori's world, many of them just didn't heap enough love or they wouldnt have ended up in the morgue.

I've wondered if some of the things she writes are some sort of passive-aggressive or even subconscious attempt to paint Ken as a complete asshole.

[salex]

I've wondered if some of the things she writes are some sort of passive-aggressive or even subconscious attempt to paint Ken as a complete asshole.

Or, she is just being completely honest and he's a complete asshole without the paint...

[Claddagh]

If the husband is being a total ass and the wife feels like she's walking on egg shells being submissive isn't going to fix a damned thing.

This woman seriously needs councelling and a possible way out if he's going to behave like that.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Ken is an asshole and Lori submitting wont fix a thing. If its that bad, maybe they should get councelling or she should leave him.

[lilwriter85]

Sadly, I don't think Lori will ever leave Ken and they will never get counseling. They both think submissiveness is the right thing for marriages. I also think Lori would never leave Ken because she is her 50s and hasn't worked in a very long time. I recall she said she stopped working when her oldest daughter was 2 or 3. I can see Ken playing dirty if she left or asked for a divorce. Lori also prides herself on being against divorce. She had that brag posting about nobody in her current neighborhood is divorced.

[sarahbrownie]

WTF at this reply.

I seriously want to punch this person in the face.

Real life illustation (and no, women are not dogs) ...

When I was about 10, my brother and I were playing with our dog in our large, wooded backyard. For some reason I don't remember, we threw our dog down a 20 foot hill. We thought it was kind of funny. She came walking back up the hill toward us with her big brown eyes but head held low with tail slightly wagging. We threw her down the hill again thinking her stupid that she would come back to us all meek and still seeking our affection. She came right back up the hill to us again, meekly but obviously wanting our approval/affection. I think we pushed her down one more time. When she came back to us the third time, my brother and I burst into tears and hugged her profusely and told her how sorry we were even though she couldn't understand our words. We were never cruel to our dog again.

I replied: If you were my child I would have pushed you down a hill three times and see if you liked it as much as your poor dog. And if this is just an metaphor, you a poor excuse of a human being thinking that this makes sense. Seriously, you need help you psycho.

But it will probably get deleted but I couldn't help myself. :evil: