Forum Thread For Arranged Marriage

[mockingbird]

I don't really have a problem with it if the couple has a final decision... if my parents wanted to set me up on a blind date with someone I'd probably trust their judgment and give the guy a chance. Not saying I would definitely like him, but I wouldn't see any harm in trying a date or two. In a lot of cultures it doesn't sound too different from that scenario.

One of my brother's friends is Hindu and is dating someone that he met at a family event. I'm not sure if their parents deliberately set them up, but he was being pressured to find a girlfriend at the time, and he has told us that basically barring any major problems, he will probably end up marrying her. He's in college and I think he will be expected to marry right after he graduates. It definitely seemed like at least a semi-arranged situation but they are both happy with the relationship so I don't see anything wrong with it (besides the fact that I have watched this kid grow up and he will probably be married before I am! Weird! LOL).

[xReems]

I'm Indian and come from a family where arranged marriages still happens-not as much as my parents' generation but it'll sometimes happen. In India, there are some families who already have a marriage planned by the time a child is born but that's becoming rarer. There are arranged marriages in which a girl and guy have no clue who they are marrying until the day of the wedding. The whole point behind that was so the guy or girl wouldn't refuse a marriage based on physical appearances. That's even rarer but it does happen in small villages.

Nowadays, arranged marriages have become more "dating" like. Example-if a girl is ready to get married, the parents create a "bio-data" for the daughter which has basic information about her (birth date, birth place, education, height, hair and eye color, etc) and sends it to various newsletters or through other family members who might know some single bachelors. The parents line up a few men whom they believe would be a good match for the girl. The girl then chooses one guy who sparks her interest and both parents try setting up a meeting for the two to meet. While the girl and guy are taking a walk or sitting outside, the parents are meeting each other and talking. Once the guy and parents leave, the girl will either say "yes" or "no". If the guy also agrees, then they do a "nakki ceremony", which means that the girl and guy are officially off the market. After the nakki, the guy and girl can "date" with chaperons (depending on the family). A wedding is planned usually 3-6 months later. Another scenario is similar to a fundie courtship where the guy will call up the girl's father and tell him of his interest in the daughter.

For the most part, in a modern but traditional Indian home where arranged marriages still occur, the girl and guy has the ultimate veto power. Usually, the reason why arranged marriages still occur, at least in my family, is because of the pressure to get married. If you're 28-29 and still single, family members have a panic attack that no one finds the son or daughter interesting so the members get involved in helping you find a spouse. They'll make you go to India, where one of the aunties or uncles will have lined up several men or women for you to get to know. It's crazy! One of my other cousin is going through that and she's hating it. She's turning 30 this year and has attended multiple Indian dating conventions but turns up empty handed. So, my uncle sent her to India where one of my auntie's is helping her find someone. Still nothing. The problem isn't the men-it's her high expectations and super picky qualities she wants. At the same time, she's enjoying the single life too.

I have one cousin who refuses to get her father involved in helping her find someone. Her father is super old school-he wants her to find not only a Guju guy but a guy from Ch Gaam (which is a cluster of villages in Gujarat). Obviously, the only way that can occur is if your parents get involved in your love life. Ah, craziness.

My parents, on the other hand, refused to help my sister and I out-mainly due to laziness and the mere fact that we would have turned down most of the men. My parents know that my sister and I are the ones who know what we want and not my parents. Luckily, I found my man and we're happy :). However, if I was turning 30 and still single, I'm sure some relatives would have told me that they know so and so who have a son who would be perfect for me. It's one thing if a cousin or friend knows someone but it's completely different when it's your parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. In their mind, physical attraction is hard for them to understand. It's like they can't wrap their mind around a girl rejecting a guy because there was no spark. In their minds, they're thinking "this guy is well educated, knows the Indian culture, caring and respected, why would you say no?!"

[YPestis]

I think the idea of a traditional arranged marriage is still difficult to understand for us used to romantic love. We have to remember that people used to think of marriage as merging of families and finances rather than of two people. You fall into love once you marry. At that point, the spouse is already vetted for financial, social and familial ties. No one wants to fall for someone who turns out to be financially less well off, have a family that is horrible to live with (because you will be chained to the inlaws), or one who is socially unacceptable. Your own life and those of future children are greatly affected by marrying someone too far "below" you.

That said, I'm glad we don't have to worry about those issues as much. I believe romantic love is a first world privilege. I can fall in love with someone making little money and it's not going to prevent me from owning a house and car nor prevent my kids from going to college. I marry a poor man 100 years ago or do this now in a developing country and that wouldn't be the case.

A side note on match making. There's a funny article here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldne ... rtner.html about Chinese parents finding spouses for their kids. Arranged marriage sounds more like a chore that kids have parents do rather than the other way around! :lol:

It talks about parents in Shanghai meet at parks and hang up their children's stats to help garner prospective dates for their kids. Most of them have one child and are presumably retired so they spend the time to chat up other prospective parents and hang up their kids credentials. The whole thing as the feel of a meat market crossed with a country fair. Very interesting.

[Full enough quiver]

I met my husband through my 90 year old great great grandmother. I lived with her and was her caretaker, took her to church, meals on wheels, etc. She was always bugging me to date various men from her church, and I always said no. I never dated anyone, ever. I had a little girl to think of. Grandma and I cooked dinner once a month for a widower in her church who had a young daughter. Grandma would deliver the dinner with a friend. One day, she told me that her friend cancelled, and she felt poorly, would I mind bringing the dinner. I did, and the rest is history. My husband says he knew he wanted to marry me as soon as he saw me standing at the door. Grandma may have been a big faker (not very Christian of her), but she knew what she was doing! We were married 6 months later, we're going on 5 years now :dance: