Teen sues parents over forced abortion

[Miggy]

Just to offer a differing opinion, if my daughter were to fall pregnant as a teen I would be ready to support her having the baby. I think the only way a teen can successfully parent is with a lot of grandparent help and I would be willing to provide that. However, being prochoice, I would support her if she chose abortion.

[lilith]

Just to offer a differing opinion, if my daughter were to fall pregnant as a teen I would be ready to support her having the baby. I think the only way a teen can successfully parent is with a lot of grandparent help and I would be willing to provide that. However, being prochoice, I would support her if she chose abortion.

Oh, I would definitely provide all the help I could if my daughter chose to parent as a teen.

I just think that the ideal parenting experience is one where the parents are ready and able to do it themselves, and I would share that opinion with my daughter. If she decided to continue with the pregnancy I would give her any assistance I could. I'm pro choice, not pro abortion, but I would be honest with her in telling her that in my own opinion abortion would probably be the best decision. My mum was the same when I got pregnant at 21, in a new relationship and still at uni. She would have supported me no matter what (she did three years later when I had married the same man and chose to have a child), but she voiced her opinion, which was that I should abort and have a baby when I chose to and felt ready. I had already decided on that course, and I don't regret it and am glad that my mother was 100% supportive of me making it.

[Miggy]

I realised you weren't pro-abortion and that you would support your child. It would be a pretty poor parent who didn't and you certainly don't come across like that.

I am just saying that in my case, I don't think I could recommend an abortion and would probably being showing my daughter all the ways she could keep the child and still fulfil her goals. I can't explain why I feel that way. I know I couldn't encourage adoption. I think adoption would be incredibly hard on the mother and twelve years of foster care has taught me that some kids do very well when adopted but others really struggle. Its not a situation I would want to put a child in that didn't have to be. Abortion, I don't know why, I just don't think I could encourage/suggest my daughter go that way. I am definately not against them - I have had one myself. I don't regret it either so don't start thinking I am making up for it or something. The only thing I felt after my own abortion was relief.

Having said all that, my daughter and I talked about this only a few days ago after seeing an article about teenage mums on the news. She was very clear that if she fell pregnant that she wanted an abortion. I was actually quite stunned at the strength of her feeling but also at my reaction, which was to feel quite sad. (Not the reaction I expected of myself.) We had a long talk about not having sex with anybody and everybody, about contraceptives and the fact they all have failure rates.

Edited to add that I have just reread my post and it sounds like I told my daughter not to have sex. What we talked about was only having sex with someone that you are committed to and not to just any guy who happens to say you look pretty or buys you nice presents.

[OkToBeTakei]

I think as a parent if you have a strong indication as to what path you think is right then you are going to influence your daughter.

I would like to think that I could impartially lay out all the options. Abortion is not easy, parenting is not easy, adoption is not easy, offering parental help might not be easy if on offer.

But I do agree with the OP that what I may say can/will influence the decision. Teens, especially teens in such an emotional situation will maybe look toward a parent to make that decision for them. VERY generally speaking as there are exceptions, teens tend not to see past the next month never mind the next 20 years, their sense of responsibility, maturity is still developing and I feel in that situation it can be easy for them to latch on to somebody else making that decision for them, even if only by expressing your advice.

I would not want my daughter coming to me at 30 and saying, that abortion/baby/adoption was the worst decision I made and feeling I had contributed through my influence. Just as easily it could be the best decision. Laying down every available option and looking at the consequences both short and long term in depth, then supporting whichever decision is made as long as I felt it was made with full understanding would be what I would hope for.

I sincerely hope I could do this. Reality is another matter.

[Miggy]

I agree the impartiality is ideal. I just know that I am not impartial and any attempt to give advice impartially when I am not is going to be interpretted as lying by my kids.

Every parent has different parenting styles and different relationships with their kids so exactly how any parent dealt with this situation would be different. My son use to hit me with "Yeah, but we know what you REALLY think" a lot when he was younger. I realised there was no point in trying to give advice impartially when I held a clear opinion. My tribe read me far to well. Now I try to sit down and discuss any issues that arise as honestly as possible, "these are the options, this is my opinion, you have the right to your own opinion" and it has worked pretty well so far. I would take the same approach if my daughter were to fall pregnant because it is a method of communicating that has worked really well for me and my kids.

[Blahblah]

This.

And me too.

[Mama Mia]

Oh I agree it would be impossible to keep your feelings and opinions out of it, and I don't even know that I would want to keep my feelings out of it entirely.

My own feelings based on my own experiences would be to lay out all the ways that we could help her to keep the baby as opposed to either abortion or adoption. But I would try to keep that on the low intensity end of advice, so that she didn't do something she didn't want to do. I doubt I would be very successful in that.

I was just surprised that people's goal would be to strongly argue one option over another.

Don't know if I'm getting it out right.

[honeyinthesunshine]

I, too, would encourage abortion. I would be accepting of whatever choice my child made, because it is certainly her choice, but I think that in the vast majority of cases like these, abortion is the best option for all involved.

I had an abortion when I was very young, and it wasn't the biggest deal to me at the time. I had been raised with the belief that while prevention was best, if an abortion was necessary, you had one. It wasn't a right to life decision, it was a pragmatic health decision. I wasn't pressured, I was given the options, and I made my choice. I didn't regret it then, and I certainly don't regret it now. I'm 8 months along with my husband and I's first, and the thought of dealing with a term pregnancy at that age boggles my mind.

I count myself incredibly lucky to have had my mother, who supported my decision. Around the time I got pregnant, a friend of mine did also. She faced intense pressure to carry the baby, her mother was abusive and not a little unstable, and she did, and it was awful for her. Just horrifying, from beginning to end. It's been many years, and we still talk occasionally, and she, sadly, was not one of those women who successfully raises a baby as a teen. Sometimes it's just not a good situation, for mom or baby.

That said, in this particular situation, I agree with the other posters who've said that there is something else going on here that we don't know about yet. I understand any parent of a teenager's obvious and understandable objection to teen parenting, but the complete lack of boundaries and respect for their daughter's bodily autonomy makes me wonder. This reeks of cover your ass desperation, and I wonder if I'm not the only one who feels as though there isn't perhaps some sexual abuse occurring in this young woman's home. If there is, holy shit.

Now this young woman is in the middle of a culture war, wherein there is no advocacy for her, only for competing agendas which she is not yet adult enough to wade through. The fact that these people were willing to administer what I can only assume is milfeprestone to their child without her knowledge (a drug which I personally feel is dangerous, far more so then a surgical abortion, which is safer then most minor dental procedures) without proper medical supervision, is not rational. Saying to the girl, "Hey, you have this baby, and we're NOT supporting you." , seems like the logical step most would take. I wonder if paternity is a question and I'm looking squarely at the parents here. Either abuse is going on and they know about it and are complicit, or they are perpetrating it, and if they wren't before, they sure are now. I hope this girl gets the help she needs.

[formergothardite]

I would make it clear that if she chose to keep the baby I would do everything I could to help her reach her other goals, but that I would not raise her child for her and that being a parent is very hard and means that she won't get to have the freedom that most teens have. IMO she should have an abortion, but she would get my full support in whatever path she chose.

[SquirrelySquirrel]

I would likely encourage an abortion, but be fully supportive of the choice my daughter made.

I think it's a stretch to automatically assume the parents have some horrible hidden agenda just because Dad wants to force her into it. I don't agree at all that he has the right to, but it doesn't mean he's raping his kid. My uncle basically made my cousin get an abortion when she was 17. I don't support that he did it, but I understand why he did it. She was supremely immature and selfish, and still is now in her 30s. She had one kid and has been physically and verbally abusive to the sweet child from day 1. The paternal grandparents are the only ones to really give the kid any stability. I remember hoping like hell that she would abort again when she got pregnant with this child.

But again, I'm not advocating force; I just don't think there are always sinister reasons behind it.

[meda]

While I would grudgingly support and assist my daughter if she decided to have a baby as a teenager, I also would strongly advocate for abortion. My reasoning for this is pretty simple. My grandparents were very poor, most of my extended family still is. My parents were able to get an education and become middle class, and with their help I was able to get a professional degree and become upper middle class. We were able to do this through some luck, good use of limited financial resources, and making hard choices like limiting family size and waiting to start a family. It was made abundantly clear to me by my parents that if I had a baby as a teenager, I would end up like my cousins. Since I didn't want to end up poor, uneducated and trying to raise a baby with no prospects, I made damn sure I didn't have a baby as a teenager.

I plan on passing that lesson on to my child, boy or girl. That may not be the warmest, fluffiest, most "supportive" parenting decision, but I believe my job is to prepare my kid for reality. The way the US is going, it will already be harder for my child to afford a good education and a decent quality of life than it was for me or my parents. My husband and I may have more resources to offer, but those resources are not infinite, and raising and supporting a grandchild and an underemployed, undereducated child into our retirement years is not a part of the game plan. I would rather have my kid resent me than have her trapped in poverty because of an impulsive decision made when she was a teenager.

[valsa]

Interesting. From personal experience I have found that parent's opinions weigh VERY heavily on most young people in this situation, and advocating very strongly for any option can lead to the teen making a choice that maybe they will regret in the long run. I think for a young teen, "advocating" often feels the same as "pressuring" - whether the parent intends it that way or not.

I think providing information and resources, and telling them you will support them through this, regardless of their decision is probably better in the long run. Of course I would share my own opinion and experiences, but I think being too passionate on the subject ( in any direction ) can end up with the teen making a decision they might regret, or cause on-going friction or resentment with their parent if they feel they caved in to what they wanted, or if they go against their wishes.

So be it. I'd rather she resent me because she felt pressured than for her to end up a teenage mother, which would put her and my grandchild at higher risk for poverty, un/underemployment, and not being able to pursue higher education. Also, if she's not mature enough to choose parenting or adoption, if she wants it, over an abortion encouraged by her parents, I wouldn't consider her mature enough to be able to deal with all the decisions she'd have to make as a parent anyway.

I'm not sure I understand why you feel it's inappropriate for parents to give their opinions on this matter. Parents give their opinions on everything else that teens do. If my teen wanted to drop out of school or get her ears pierced (okay, preteen) or get a tattoo (18), I would give my opinion on that too. That’s kinda the definition of parenting- to use your experience to guide your child.

But I also don't think teen mom necessarily equals a bad life. Or that waiting until the appropriate age/life stage equals a good life.

I think that’s a little naïve. Not every teen mother has her life ruined, true. However, that doesn’t mean that teen mothers and their children aren’t at much higher risk for a whole host of problems. Look, I wouldn’t tell my teen it’s okay to have sex without a condom just because some teens do it and don’t get an STD, or because some STDs (like herpes) can be contracted even with condom use. So why would I tell my teen I think it’s okay for her to have a baby as a teen just because some teen moms have okay lives and some non-teen moms have shitty lives?

[Mama Mia]

I didn't say not give an opinion- I said I don't see that it would be a good idea to strongly advocate for one option over another to the extent people are saying they would.

I know this is coming from my own experience of really regretting the decision that I made on an important issue, that was 'strongly advocated' by my parents. A decision I still regret to this day and that has negatively impacted me in many ways. If I had ended up agreeing with them after all was said and done I probably wouldn't see it this way.

[valsa]

I didn't say not give an opinion- I said I don't see that it would be a good idea to strongly advocate for one option over another to the extent people are saying they would.

I disagree. I'd strongly advocate against dropping out of school, I'd advocate strongly against having sex without a condom, I'd strongly advocate against getting a tattoo (depending on the circumstances), and I'd strongly advocate against becoming a teen mom. I don't see one of those situations being any different than the others.

[OkToBeTakei]

I disagree. I'd strongly advocate against dropping out of school, I'd advocate strongly against having sex without a condom, I'd strongly advocate against getting a tattoo (depending on the circumstances), and I'd strongly advocate against becoming a teen mom. I don't see one of those situations being any different than the others.

I know what you are saying Valsa and to some degree agree. But you can choose to go back to school. Laser surgery can remove a tattoo. Some decisions are very different. Non-reversible.

The advocating for responsible decisions in being sexually active I would totally agree with.

But advocating for becoming a teen parent or having an abortion are very different with far reaching and potentially damaging consequences.

[Mama Mia]

I disagree. I'd strongly advocate against dropping out of school, I'd advocate strongly against having sex without a condom, I'd strongly advocate against getting a tattoo (depending on the circumstances), and I'd strongly advocate against becoming a teen mom. I don't see one of those situations being any different than the others.

I think I see this particular issue differently because it isn't about MY role as a parent - it would be about HER role as a parent ( or not ). And because it is something that can't be changed later on -it feels like a decision that should be based more heavily on what she, as an individual, really wants - with full knowledge of what is available and discussion of her beliefs/ my beliefs. But I would try to avoid pressuring because in the long run it isn't my life - or the life of my potential child.

It's actually the main reason why even though I am not very pro-abortion I don't think there should be any sort of parental consent requirement - because I'm not the parent in that situation.

All that said, I have been possibly been told by my children that my ability to keep my strong opinions sounding reasoned and mild is somewhat less than I would strive for. :whistle:

Also, what OKTBT just said

[BravaAmica]

Valsa, I'm curious, why would you strongly encourage her to choose abortion , and why do you feel so strongly about it ?

I know we have clashed on abortion threads in the past, and I'm not trying to start WWIII, but I am wondering why you would advocate one option over another ?

I would encourage my teen daughter to abort as well. Because no matter how much support she has, I still see a few things happening, including but not limited to: Her life would be exponentionally harder. Completing high school and college would me a LOT more difficult. And the grandparents (me, for one) would be stuck with the bulk of child care so my teen daughter could go to school/college. Her earning potential would also decreased over her lifetime- she'd miss opportunities like internships. She'd be pressured to take a lesser paying job so she can simply provide the basics NOW for her baby. Oh, and then there's dealing with the baby daddy and HIS family. Do not want that drama. But it's her choice and I would support her to an extent.

[Caribou]

My children are now both well into their 20's but, had the situation of an unplanned pregnancy arisen while they were in their teens, I too would have"strongly advocated" for abortion. As Valsa and others have outlined, there are so many reasons a teen pregnancy would adversely impact a young person's life.

Also, many (most?) teenagers just don't recognize long-term realities. Their brains haven't matured fully and what may seem like a good idea now may turn out to be anything but. Raising a child, properly, is HARD. A teenager's romantic notion of what having a baby is like probably bears little resemblance to reality. Even with unlimited parental support, it would be a long, hard road to travel to have a baby as a teen.

The final decision would obviously have been up to my child but I see no problem with a parent strongly expressing their views on the subject to the teen. I honestly think that's part of parenting - sharing a viewpoint that is tempered with age and life experience. As long as the teen is given equal respect to outline their beliefs I see no problem.

[mamallama]

I'd love to see Planned Parenthood step in to provide her with support.

[lilith]

I didn't say not give an opinion- I said I don't see that it would be a good idea to strongly advocate for one option over another to the extent people are saying they would.

I know this is coming from my own experience of really regretting the decision that I made on an important issue, that was 'strongly advocated' by my parents. A decision I still regret to this day and that has negatively impacted me in many ways. If I had ended up agreeing with them after all was said and done I probably wouldn't see it this way.

I understand that this is an emotive issue for you, and it must be incredibly hard to deal with regretting an abortion, years after the fact, especially if you feel that you were coerced by your parents.

But the fact that you regret it doesn't mean that everything would have turned out wonderfully if you hadn't aborted. Your life would have taken a very different path if you had been a teen mother, a path that may not have included the partner and children you have now. I think I'm just trying to say that although you regret it and there have been negative impacts on your life, evidently there are positive aspects to your life too, that may not be there if you hadn't aborted.

[Mama Mia]

That's true, although I did end up having a child in my later teens, and it really wasn't awful. I still went to college, I was a good mom..and well truthfully, it wasn't that hard.

I had more energy than I did with children I had when older for one. I was very fortunate in that I wasn't single and had support, but I just have a hard time with the whole young mom=hard life.

Sure I missed going out with my friends sometimes, and didn't have much money - but the mom's I see who wait until their 30's often seem to have a very hard time dealing with the lack of sleep, time demands etc. too.

I think a lot of the issue for me is that it seems to boil down to issues of money more than anything. And most money issues are temporary.

[meda]

That's true, although I did end up having a child in my later teens, and it really wasn't awful. I still went to college, I was a good mom..and well truthfully, it wasn't that hard.

I had more energy than I did with children I had when older for one. I was very fortunate in that I wasn't single and had support, but I just have a hard time with the whole young mom=hard life.

Sure I missed going out with my friends sometimes, and didn't have much money - but the mom's I see who wait until their 30's often seem to have a very hard time dealing with the lack of sleep, time demands etc. too.

I think a lot of the issue for me is that it seems to boil down to issues of money more than anything. And most money issues are temporary.

And that is great...for you. Statistics for teen moms don't mirror your experience. You have mentioned in previous posts that you live in a very liberal area with lots of social services. I don't, and as previously mentioned my family does not come from money. I have seen the fate of teen mothers in my area, and I would do a disservice to my child if I somehow sugar coated that reality. For me, supporting my child does not mean telling her that any choice she makes is ok. Some choices are simply better than others, and I will encourage her to make the statistically smarter choice.

I think everyone in life grows up with regrets, because life generally involves making the best of limited options. I would prefer my child deal with regret than lifelong poverty. Money issues that stem from lack of education and limited job prospects are rarely temporary in my experience.

[Mama Mia]

I agree that social services and financial aid does make a huge difference. To be perfectly frank, and to probably come across as one of those evil government leaches -- but I actually was a lot better off financially while in college than I would have been without a child. My parents didn't have money to provide for college so I would have had to work either way. Because I had a child I was eligible for more financial aid as an independent student, and also was able to receive health benefits, food stamps, subsidized housing, and cash aid - which would not have been available if I was just a young adult.

If I had started out in a situation where my parent's could have paid for my way through college -then most likely it would have felt like more of a barrier.

[valsa]

I know what you are saying Valsa and to some degree agree. But you can choose to go back to school. Laser surgery can remove a tattoo. Some decisions are very different. Non-reversible.

I don't think abortion is non-reversible, at least not any more than any of those other choices.

Yes, you can go back to school but it will never erase or undo having dropped out in the first place.

Yes, you can get a tattoo removed but it will never erase or undo having gotten one in the first place.

You can't undo an abortion but you can have another child (barring issues with secondary infertility) Not having a child in your teens is reversible in that you can choose to parent at a later date, just as you can go back to school or remove a tattoo at a later date.

[OkToBeTakei]

I don't think abortion is non-reversible, at least not any more than any of those other choices.

Yes, you can go back to school but it will never erase or undo having dropped out in the first place.

Yes, you can get a tattoo removed but it will never erase or undo having gotten one in the first place.

You can't undo an abortion but you can have another child (barring issues with secondary infertility) Not having a child in your teens is reversible in that you can choose to parent at a later date, just as you can go back to school or remove a tattoo at a later date.

For some as in the OP it is a regret. For others it is not. I have no idea of knowing what my daughter's view would be as a 30 year old. One thing I do know is that taking in to account how polarising abortion is in society and how that can influence subconsciously how we then view ourselves, right or wrong as this is. It does not equate in any way to tattoos or time of schooling and certainly not as potentially psychologically damaging.

As far as I am aware snobbery will dictate other's views of your tattoos and education but I have not seen many rallies, anti-tattoo poster boards or demonstrations designed to make the person feel morally reprehensible.

Would it be easier to be a young single Mother? No that would come with the same type of judgement. But for me it would be important to visit ALL of these issues with my child.