Stephen Hammer's Sermon

[Soldier of the One]

I do often wonder why he picked Meredith--goodness knows there are no shortage of SAHD bloggers to chose from! I hope it's because he really did admire her and hopefully even fall in love with her, but who knows?

I think you already answered your own question :) She was one of the more articulate, intelligent, mature but also resourceful and hard-working SAHD's 'out there' in the blogosphere.

[silvia]

I get where "calculating" comes from, but I could also see someone like Stephen who, IIRC, has divorced parents and has an internal compuslion to get things "right" to look at his future in the army with deployments, frequent moves, lots of nights and weekends working, and wonder how the heck he could ever have a family if his wife was also trying to build a career and didn't have the flexibility to roll with the craziness and keep things going when he couldn't.

I'm not saying it can't be done, and I'm sure it often is, but for someone who's so driven and who saw his own parents' marriage fail, it was probably hard to wrap his head around making that work unless he married someone who was happy to be in charge of the household and didn't have the scheduling conflicts an outside job would present (or resentment about not being able to follow her dreams if that was how they decided to work it out).

I think in that context, the "keeper of the home" style wife, and especially one as self reliant as Meredith, is a pretty good choice. She wants the kind of life he's offering, and the kind of life he has works well with what she wants.

I agree with the plausibility of much of this, but I also think that Stephen made a huge assumption from the outset: that HIS career, HIS goals, should unquestionably take precedence in any future marital partnership. To me, that speaks volumes about the kind of person he is. And sure, Meredith wants the kind of life he's offering, but would she want it if her vision for her own future hadn't been stilted by a hyper-fundie upbringing? My guess is "Hell no."

[Guest Anonymous]

Meredith has already started another business - very cute, classic children's clothes. So even if her marriage does fall apart (which I don't wish on her) she does have other ways to make money and have her own source of identity and accomplishment, regardless of how much "helpmeeting' she does. I love the "jon jons" (so that's what they are called) for little boys.

And little Margaret can always run to her UU relatives...

Is that business still active? It doesn't look as though she has been very busy. The jon jons are nice, but she is making them on the Janome domestic machines she bought while living at home, and is selling them through a blog shop. She can't compete price-wise with the exact same things that can be bought from big online companies and she hasn't really expanded her range to keep her few loyal customers coming back for more.

I imagine that she is resourceful enough to survive if she ever needed to take Margaret and run, but she has by no means developed her potential, nor seems to have the means to give herself a decent life, without Stephen's income.

[desertvixen]

I agree with the plausibility of much of this, but I also think that Stephen made a huge assumption from the outset: that HIS career, HIS goals, should unquestionably take precedence in any future marital partnership. To me, that speaks volumes about the kind of person he is. And sure, Meredith wants the kind of life he's offering, but would she want it if her vision for her own future hadn't been stilted by a hyper-fundie upbringing? My guess is "Hell no."

Honestly, a lot of the senior officer types have that assumption though. Wives may have portable careers (senior ranking women are often married to military guys which brings on its own chaos) but they'll go where he has to go.

[anniebgood]

snip xxx

I imagine that she is resourceful enough to survive if she ever needed to take Margaret and run, but she has by no means developed her potential, nor seems to have the means to give herself a decent life, without Stephen's income.

Well she can run a bushhog and drive a tractor. The baby can sit in the seat with her as she mows down rows and rows of grass. And she used to make some wonderful candies at Christmas that they sold through their farm market. She's talented and if she had to come home, she'd be able to support herself and Margaret. :dance:

[Kate]

Honestly, a lot of the senior officer types have that assumption though. Wives may have portable careers (senior ranking women are often married to military guys which brings on its own chaos) but they'll go where he has to go.

Good points.

And, I would guess for someone like Stephen who was most likely the obviously most intelligent person in pretty much any group he found himself in, the message that he was gifted and destined for great things started early and continued often, long before he ever ran into the patriarchy. I tend to doubt very many people in his life have ever suggested that anything should be more important than making the most of his talents via his careers and goals.

And to be totally honestly, if he were my son or nephew, I would probably not feel very kindly towards someone who caused him to "waste his potential"--but if he was the stranger and Meredith were my daughter or niece, an awful lot would depend on how genuine her desire to be a "keeper at home" really is (I do believe some people (men and women) really do enjoy that and find it fulfilling)--if it really made her happy I'd be delighted, but if not...and from where she came from, like you said DesertVixen, I wonder if she herself even knows that?

[Soldier of the One]

To Meredith's family, he must have seemed quite the catch! Imagine that; a Rhodes Scholar shows up on your doorstep. To them, it's the stuff of fairy-tales and evidence of their blessedness.

[Hisey]

That's an interesting point--about Stephen being a good catch b/c he was a Rhodes Scholar.

This is the chronology I saw:

1. Meredith is homeschooled from K-12, and so are her siblings. Public schools are no good.

2. She blogs about how college is a waste of time and money. She writes how her brother is spending his time much more usefully (killing chickens)

3. She gets an email from Stephen introducing himself

4. She googles him and sees he is a Princeton grad and Rhodes Scholar and is ENORMOUSLY impressed (she blogs about this)

5. She tells her family and they are really impressed. Rhodes Scholar! Princeton!

I think it's interesting that people that have rejected public schooling and college are immediately impressed by someone with outstanding credentials from these very same sources. It's as though Bria Crawford was proposed to by a Rhodes Scholar and her family did a completely 180 (though I don't know if that would happen).

I think their poverty was driving the Alexander family. As nice as it is to be Christian, it is no fun to be poor, and it was Stephen's future prospects in the upper-middle class that impressed them.

I think a more educated family would actually have been *less* impressed. They would have known some Ivy League grads that were jerks (as well as some that were nice). They would have known that fancy credentials sometimes don't mean anything at all.

[silvia]

That's an interesting point--about Stephen being a good catch b/c he was a Rhodes Scholar.

This is the chronology I saw:

1. Meredith is homeschooled from K-12, and so are her siblings. Public schools are no good.

2. She blogs about how college is a waste of time and money. She writes how her brother is spending his time much more usefully (killing chickens)

3. She gets an email from Stephen introducing himself

4. She googles him and sees he is a Princeton grad and Rhodes Scholar and is ENORMOUSLY impressed (she blogs about this)

5. She tells her family and they are really impressed. Rhodes Scholar! Princeton!

I think it's interesting that people that have rejected public schooling and college are immediately impressed by someone with outstanding credentials from these very same sources. It's as though Bria Crawford was proposed to by a Rhodes Scholar and her family did a completely 180 (though I don't know if that would happen).

I think their poverty was driving the Alexander family. As nice as it is to be Christian, it is no fun to be poor, and it was Stephen's future prospects in the upper-middle class that impressed them.

I think a more educated family would actually have been *less* impressed. They would have known some Ivy League grads that were jerks (as well as some that were nice). They would have known that fancy credentials sometimes don't mean anything at all.

True--I think this is a case where supposedly non-worldly people were especially susceptible to the allure of Stephen's worldly attainments because those attainments were so foreign to their everyday experience. Also, in a way, the whole Stephen phenomenon justifies the Alexanders' chosen lifestyle. Here's a Rhodes Scholar, an intellectual luminary, who's also a Vision Forum acolyte--if someone so smart accepts Dougie's take on the world, it must be right!

[Cannelle]

I have to wonder how Meredith and Stephen's relationship is going to handle the rigors of many deployments. When Dad is deployed, Mom has to be the everything of the house. There's no turning to Dad to find out what should be done about something or what he wants/feels/thinks- he's not there and may not be there for a very, very long time (and I have to wonder if he's going to give a shit about day-to-day household things when he's trying to keep his soldiers alive. What color Meredith should paint the bathroom probably isn't his #1 priority). She's going to have to be everything to everyone, and then when he gets back, she's just going to switch over to Submissive Helpmeet?

Deployments are hard enough on normal, non-patriarchal families. I have to wonder how their family dynamic is going to affect this.

(My ex husband once had a...I can't remember what this guy was, but he was in charge of my ex's fairly small command, some sort of higher-up officer, and he once gave a speech where he stated that during his 25+ years of marriage, he was only home for like 13 total years. And he seemed proud of this. Wonder how Meredith would weather a marriage like that...)

[desertvixen]

I have to wonder how Meredith and Stephen's relationship is going to handle the rigors of many deployments. When Dad is deployed, Mom has to be the everything of the house. There's no turning to Dad to find out what should be done about something or what he wants/feels/thinks- he's not there and may not be there for a very, very long time (and I have to wonder if he's going to give a shit about day-to-day household things when he's trying to keep his soldiers alive. What color Meredith should paint the bathroom probably isn't his #1 priority). She's going to have to be everything to everyone, and then when he gets back, she's just going to switch over to Submissive Helpmeet?

Honestly, from that standpoint, Meredith might be ideal. She's not used to having a lot of stuff, and it seems like she did a lot of stuff around her parents' house. She's not going to be running up a credit card, going out and doing stupid stuff with people. She'll take care of the house, spend frugally on things they need at the commissary, and maybe volunteer as appropriate. Or she might even go home during a long deployment (something a lot of spouses do).

[teachergirl]

I wanted to chime in as someone who teaches on an Army base and encounters from E-1 to higher ranked officers. First of all, this story makes me sad for all of the obvious reasons. In my experience, she would be a fish out of water in the sense that the officers wives we know are college educated and have now stayed home with their children. I do believe it is fairly common for the wife to follow their husband as they are on their way up the promotion ladder. I also have observed that they are "older" ( as in older than your typical military wife). I myself just had my first at 36 and that is seen as ancient among the lower ranked elnisted but not out of the ordinary for officers.

If anything, she would fall more in line with enlisted who tend to be younger without any work and higher level education. Again, these are just MY observations as a teacher. One more thing, officers wives tend to be VERY involved in their children's education so the fact that she might homeschool would defintely be odd. We have very few homeschoolers on post.

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

That's an interesting point--about Stephen being a good catch b/c he was a Rhodes Scholar.

This is the chronology I saw:

1. Meredith is homeschooled from K-12, and so are her siblings. Public schools are no good.

2. She blogs about how college is a waste of time and money. She writes how her brother is spending his time much more usefully (killing chickens)

3. She gets an email from Stephen introducing himself

4. She googles him and sees he is a Princeton grad and Rhodes Scholar and is ENORMOUSLY impressed (she blogs about this)

5. She tells her family and they are really impressed. Rhodes Scholar! Princeton!

I think it's interesting that people that have rejected public schooling and college are immediately impressed by someone with outstanding credentials from these very same sources. It's as though Bria Crawford was proposed to by a Rhodes Scholar and her family did a completely 180 (though I don't know if that would happen).

I think their poverty was driving the Alexander family. As nice as it is to be Christian, it is no fun to be poor, and it was Stephen's future prospects in the upper-middle class that impressed them.

I think a more educated family would actually have been *less* impressed. They would have known some Ivy League grads that were jerks (as well as some that were nice). They would have known that fancy credentials sometimes don't mean anything at all.

I just wanted to second all this, especially the bolded.

[Kate]

I just wanted to second all this, especially the bolded.

I'm not so sure it's really a 180 for them though. I get the feeling the fundie rap against education boils down to 2 things:

1) Schools will indoctrinate you

2) College is a waste of time and money if you're going to be a SAHM/Keeper at Home

Since Stephen isn't a woman and actually seems to have come out a lot more fundie than he came in, my guess is it's all good.

(also, too late to edit my earlier post, but I wanted to change where I said Meredith probably doesn't even know herself if the SAH/helpmeet thing is really fulfilling for her--I should have said "didn't even know." Two years into it, I'm sure by now she knows if it does or doesn't. I really hope for her sake that it truely does.)

Edited because I type like a monkey

[Guest Anonymous]

I have to wonder how Meredith and Stephen's relationship is going to handle the rigors of many deployments. When Dad is deployed, Mom has to be the everything of the house. There's no turning to Dad to find out what should be done about something or what he wants/feels/thinks- he's not there and may not be there for a very, very long time (and I have to wonder if he's going to give a shit about day-to-day household things when he's trying to keep his soldiers alive. What color Meredith should paint the bathroom probably isn't his #1 priority). She's going to have to be everything to everyone, and then when he gets back, she's just going to switch over to Submissive Helpmeet?

I actually think that is the part Meredith will manage well. I don't think her cheesecake and bush hogging skills would be enough to financially support her 'ideal' family life if the shit hit the fan, but I think the work ethic and the 'soft' management skills she developed as a SAHD will serve her well in not needing a headship or a chore chart to keep her motivated. While her Dad and brothers were playing at being farmhands in the early days of their business, Meredith's bush-hogging business kept the family finances just about ticking along, and she pretty much did the housekeeping, taught the younger boys and brought up Sheridan alongside that. I imagine she will enjoy both the autonomy while he is gone and then the romantic reunions (if there are any) and the rest from decision-making when he returns. I think loneliness must be the killer for her, and I'm sad to think that she will probably spend a good deal of time feeling lonely whether he is away or at home.

[hoipolloi]

Meredith's former blog, Striving to Serve at Home, seems to have gone private. Surprised it took this long.

[MissBitters]

I just noticed her blog is locked too! I wonder if she is blogging again?

[jeansonly]

This may be old news here, I'm just now learning much about this couple, but her FB page shows a picture of her dd holding what appears to be an ultrasound picture, so I guess she's expecting.

[Guest Anonymous]

Good spot! :)

At the time of writing, this is a public FB page, so I believe it is ok to quote Meredith as announcing (via her daughter):

"Daddy and Mommy tell me that this is a little brother or sister, but I keep trying to convince them that it is really a doggie!" With grateful hearts we joyfully announce that precious Hammer Baby #2 is due September 3!

[hoipolloi]

I just noticed her blog is locked too! I wonder if she is blogging again?

Either that or her headship directed her to shut it down so that his future political career won't be affected. :roll:

[MissBitters]

Ha! At this point that is like shutting the stable door after the horses have bolted. It looks like a lot of her site has been cached on Google as well as the mentions on FJ. If it is being done for political reasons, I wouldn't be surprised if he eventually requests the Alexander family site be locked down or deleted.

[YPestis]

I knew someone with Stephen's sense of drive. She was a good college friend of mine who was very driven to be a top notch surgeon. Her aim was to attend an elite med school, get married, do residency and have a kid during residency. It was like a grocery list to her. She decided in order to accomplish all that, she would need a guy who was not career minded. We were all surprised whom she married because she initially did not express an interest in him. However, he fit all the criteria for her. He was ready to marry and willing to put his career on the back burner.

It may not sound romantic, but some driven people do plan their futures out like they plan their careers. I don't think Stephen is different in that regard. What's questionable for me is his pick of a sheltered, fundie SAHD girl out of all the eligible women he could more easily get. Why did he go out of his way to find a girl like Meredith? Plenty of Princeton girls, or women at Oxford, would have been willing to play political playmate with his career. And, as others pointed out, most political men married intelligent women with "pedigree". Not many, except those on the peripheral, have wives that are so....sheltered. Even Ann Romney, despite her very traditional path, had a college degree from a respectable school.

The reasons are numerous. It could be Stephen's ego. A submissive women would dedicate herself to him. It could be that he was newly indoctrinated into the fundie world. New converts are typically the most zealous. He may think dedicating himself to conservative causes was not enough. He has to also create the most conservative family he could imagine. Maybe that's why he trolled the internet to find Meredith, a woman he would never meet at school or work.

Whatever the reasons, I don't think Stephen's decision was politically motivated. If he looked around at prominent politicians, conservative and otherwise, most had wives with good educational pedigrees. Many of the wives had good careers (and some still did do). The Washington power couple is a common sight in DC.

I think Stephen was motivated by his religious conviction and perhaps by his ego. Meredith will be an asset as long as Stephen's career stays under a certain range. He'll have an easier time climbing up the ladder with a SAHW. However, if he hopes to get onto the main political stage, his wife's background will be more of a liability. Americans don't like women that are too strong, but they no longer look up to a woman whose only job is to gaze at her husband in adoration. They want smart. They want classy. They want someone who had a life outside of wife and mother. I just don't think people will go for Meredith. Her fundie-ness and her lack of education and/or career just doesn't speak to many Americans anymore.

I don't know what Stephen's goals are, but I suspect it's more limited than what people assume. He may play it big among fundies, but that's it. Yes, his pedigree is pretty nice right now. However, politics is more than just the guy. It's his family. I think Stephen will just be another fringe politico in 20 years. He'll probably do well for financially, but I don't foresee a senate race anytime soon.

[snarkykitty]

Nice bold-faced lie he tells when regaling the story of one of Meredith's two hospitalizations due to dehydration during pregnancy, when "an African nurse" saw Meredith reading her bible and exclaimed that she had never met one in the hospital in her life. Whatever, douche.

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

I knew someone with Stephen's sense of drive. She was a good college friend of mine who was very driven to be a top notch surgeon. Her aim was to attend an elite med school, get married, do residency and have a kid during residency. It was like a grocery list to her. She decided in order to accomplish all that, she would need a guy who was not career minded. We were all surprised whom she married because she initially did not express an interest in him. However, he fit all the criteria for her. He was ready to marry and willing to put his career on the back burner.

It may not sound romantic, but some driven people do plan their futures out like they plan their careers. I don't think Stephen is different in that regard. What's questionable for me is his pick of a sheltered, fundie SAHD girl out of all the eligible women he could more easily get. Why did he go out of his way to find a girl like Meredith? Plenty of Princeton girls, or women at Oxford, would have been willing to play political playmate with his career. And, as others pointed out, most political men married intelligent women with "pedigree". Not many, except those on the peripheral, have wives that are so....sheltered. Even Ann Romney, despite her very traditional path, had a college degree from a respectable school.

The reasons are numerous. It could be Stephen's ego. A submissive women would dedicate herself to him. It could be that he was newly indoctrinated into the fundie world. New converts are typically the most zealous. He may think dedicating himself to conservative causes was not enough. He has to also create the most conservative family he could imagine. Maybe that's why he trolled the internet to find Meredith, a woman he would never meet at school or work.

Whatever the reasons, I don't think Stephen's decision was politically motivated. If he looked around at prominent politicians, conservative and otherwise, most had wives with good educational pedigrees. Many of the wives had good careers (and some still did do). The Washington power couple is a common sight in DC.

I think Stephen was motivated by his religious conviction and perhaps by his ego. Meredith will be an asset as long as Stephen's career stays under a certain range. He'll have an easier time climbing up the ladder with a SAHW. However, if he hopes to get onto the main political stage, his wife's background will be more of a liability. Americans don't like women that are too strong, but they no longer look up to a woman whose only job is to gaze at her husband in adoration. They want smart. They want classy. They want someone who had a life outside of wife and mother. I just don't think people will go for Meredith. Her fundie-ness and her lack of education and/or career just doesn't speak to many Americans anymore.

I don't know what Stephen's goals are, but I suspect it's more limited than what people assume. He may play it big among fundies, but that's it. Yes, his pedigree is pretty nice right now. However, politics is more than just the guy. It's his family. I think Stephen will just be another fringe politico in 20 years. He'll probably do well for financially, but I don't foresee a senate race anytime soon.

QFT. I know there are women at the Ivies and other prestigious schools who are seeking a man with political ambition to marry. Not because they are interested in being "helpmeets" - they want to be full partners in a political couple, but may not necessarily want to be politicians, and may also want to have a traditional family while supporting a shared vision.

Stephen clearly wasn't interested in a woman like that.

[hoipolloi]

Americans don't like women that are too strong, but they no longer look up to a woman whose only job is to gaze at her husband in adoration. They want smart. They want classy. They want someone who had a life outside of wife and mother. I just don't think people will go for Meredith. Her fundie-ness and her lack of education and/or career just doesn't speak to many Americans anymore.

I don't know what Stephen's goals are, but I suspect it's more limited than what people assume. He may play it big among fundies, but that's it. Yes, his pedigree is pretty nice right now. However, politics is more than just the guy. It's his family. I think Stephen will just be another fringe politico in 20 years. He'll probably do well for financially, but I don't foresee a senate race anytime soon.

Good comments. For right now, Meredith is probably fine for Stephen if his immediate goal is to climb up through the officer corps in the Army. Whether or not she'll continue to shine as he goes through law school & then into practice and maybe a judgeship is less certain.

Re: bolded portion - and if Meredith herself doesn't turn people off imagine what any amount of exposure to Timmy, Joy & the family will do... :shock: