The Peaceful Wife

[formergothardite]

Have we ever talked about her? Her tranformation into the peaceful wife is written by her husband who, of course, is called the Respected Husband. :roll: :roll:

peacefulwife.com/when-she-surrendered/

In doing some internet research I kept seeing a book called The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle popping up over and over. So I decided to order her the book from Amazon. Truth be told I think I ordered her about three books that were similar in subject, but this one immediately stood out to her. As she read that book she kept saying, “I have been doing this all wrong.â€

Why didn't he do some research and find himself some fucking books on how to be a good husband?

She began to ask me questions multiple times a day about when I did this did you feel respected or was I disrespectful when I did this or said this. Most of the time, I was not totally sure if I felt respected or disrespected. It seemed like I had become accustomed to or it was the ‘norm’. I hadn’t really thought about whether it was the right or wrong way to approach an issue in a long time. It was easy to see that a lot of these things had become accepted because that was how it had been for the first 15 years of our marriage. It also was pretty much the same stuff that we have let become the standard when people talk about their marriages at work and other places. Seems respect for our spouses and our relationships has suffered on both sides of the fence.

This sounds annoying as everything. I wonder if he cared enough to do the same towards her, though. Let me guess, no. Womens don't need respect.

The Peacefulwife asked me to start keeping track of the finances. Something I didn’t mind doing, but something she had taken care of since we had been married. I also noticed that she started telling me things that she was interested in and then she would let them be. She was fully relying on my decision on these interests and if I didn’t immediately give her a decision I didn’t hear about them again.

First of all, why don't they just work on the finances together? And her behaviour sounds like something a child would do.

The Peacefulwife often had been a pretty tough standard to feel adequate to. I often felt diminutive to her in her decision making and very much so in spiritual things.

So basically she was better at making decisions and being religious? But screw that, these are manly things that women can't do.

. All of a sudden I was having an ever increasing load on my shoulders that I had never had. It was as if the Peacefulwife was unloading all of the weight that she had carried for so many years

Why does one person have to carry all the burdens? It sounds like she got tired of doing everything, so she dumped it all on him and convinced him that this was a good idea. So maybe she is still in control, but is just letting him think he is in control?

She was better able to concentrate on what the kids needed and she kept the house better than it had been before

Well those are the most important thing for women! :roll:

The Peacefulwife also began encouraging me daily, almost every few hours. I would get emails with long lists of things that she respected about me and how she approved of my leadership over our family. I would try to send some responses back, but this is an area I have failed in many times

My husband would be annoyed if I did this and the nonRespectful husband is too lazy to even bother to do the same for her. This is all about him being worshipped.

It didn’t matter what my wife was doing when I came home, she would stop everything and come give me the biggest embracing hug and tell me how much she missed me. She would have dinner well under control and then she would give me a few minutes before supper was ready. She intentionally gave me a few minutes to make the conversion from work husband to home husband.

Oh. Good. Grief.

SHE BECAME HER AUTHENTIC SELF!

Worshipping her mighty husband is what she was created to do, don't you know.

[EmiGirl]

That whole thing just makes me sick.

[singsingsing]

It sounds like he's talking about an animal being trained. Like he's watching in mild interest as his dog teaches itself new tricks.

[formergothardite]

This is about a vacation they went on:

We were leaving that morning for the beach to have a few days of vacation – my husband, our two children and myself. That morning our mini-van battery died. My husband – being the handy guy he is – jumped the van off, and got it going. I thanked him enthusiastically and suggested, respectfully and with a smile, “We have time to go by the Advanced Auto Parts Store if you want to, Honey.â€He said, “No, I think we’ll be fineâ€- he thought the battery just got run down from having the car doors open for a long time while we were packing the car, possibly, and didn’t want to waste time fooling with the battery unnecessarily

I'm not a car person at all, but even I would suspect that there is something more going on with the battery than just the car door being open while they packed. Unless they took hours and hours to pack their car. Sounds like nonRespect Husband was just being an asshole and didn't want to admit that his wife was right about the car battery. And why the hell does she have to gush over everything he does?

We got to the condo at the beach and my husband parked head-first in a spot in the parking garage. When he tried to crank up the van later – the battery was dead

See, the wife new more than him but he was too proud to admit it. Pride goeth before a fall.....

There were cars on both sides of us without owners. And there was a big island in front of our car that was probably 8 ft wide. I smiled at my husband in a pleasant way with an “I know you’ve got this covered†look and kept the kids quiet while he decided what to do. And I think I read my book some more.

:?

Within a few minutes, a man came over and asked my husband if we needed a jump. He had bought extra long 12 ft jumper cables a few weeks earlier and his wife had ridiculed him for bringing them on their trip. But he insisted on bringing them “just in case.†(I’m SO glad he didn’t listen to his wife!

Well if the nonRespect husband would have listened to his wife then this wife would have been right, there would be no need for extra long jumper cables.

peacefulwife.com/2013/01/14/a-real-life-example-of-respect-and-submission/

This is how the story would have gone in my marriage:

Me: "I really think that the battery is going to die and it is going to worry me to make a long trip with this battery. Let's go buy another one."

Husband: "Well, I think it is going to be okay, but you might be right and it is better to be safe than sorry."

We go buy a battery. We go to the beach and have fun. The end.

[debrand]

I've written before that I tried to be a submissive wife and it failed. My husband's normal way to tease is by using sarcasm. This is usually funny but there is always a point when I have to say, enough. He can also be a bit lazy and needs prodding. These traits, which aren't normally divorce worthy, became amplified when I stopped being an equal. My usually sweet, goofy husband became a selfish, sarcastic jerk. No matter how I prayed that my resentment lessen, I couldn't prevent my anger from growing and growing. Submission almost destroyed my marriage. Finally, my husband and I had a blowout-or I exploded against him. Our marriage didn't get better immediately. I went on a small strike and refused to wait on my husband. Eventually, we balanced back out and went back to being equal partners. Later my husband told me that he hated being solely in charge. He liked sharing responsibilities with me and began to resent me too. The irony is that, in the beginning, he begged me not to listen to the crazy fundie sites but I was searching for something and latched onto fundamentalism.

[michelle_notduggar]

Sorry, I have no idea how to break links on here :oops: . Check out the videos under her videos tab if you ever have a burning desire to be disgusted. Her video on modesty left a bad taste in my mouth. It's nothing new in fundie land, of course, just that you should cover up your body as to not defraud the males around you who simply cannot control themselves, but it's scary how many women still have this mindset. :?

[Dixiebelle]

Submission almost ruined my marriage, too. Don't get me wrong, HE liked it. But it turned him into a controlling asshole.

We're better now, since I stopped being a doormat and started expressing myself again, although he still goes into a funk every once in awhile because he is not "the boss". it's been a hard road for him to come back from, too.

Off topic, I was cleaning my bookshelf and putting some things in a garage sale box. I came upon the books "Shepherding a Child's Heart" and "Liberated Through Submission". Rather than put them in the box, I put them straight into the trash. :dance:

[Koala]

It sounds like he's talking about an animal being trained. Like he's watching in mild interest as his dog teaches itself new tricks.

This is so true. I swear I can picture him tossing her a treat when she's been particularly good or entertaining. :roll:

[Violet]

This husband sounds like an arsehole! This whole submissive wife thing just seems to be borderline abuse to me :/

[atheistjd]

I honestly do not understand what husband WANTS this! In addition to being impossible to be "submissive" without seeming patronizing 100% of the time, my husband would be really annoyed if I a) forced him to take on an area of "housework" like bills that I was better at than him and b) let the battery thing go knowing something more was wrong and thus causing more time, money, and hassle in the long run. Guess what? Most men don't really enjoy having 100% percent of the decisionmaking and breadwinning responsibility.

Also, this wife isn't "submissive" OR "humble" - she basically gets the satisfaction of knowing (and blogging about how) she was right and zero responsibility for actually having to problem solve (how nice for her that she can just read her book while the manly menz take care of all the problems). I know the husband seems like an asshat too, but I can't get over how many of these women push their submission and the headship role onto their husbands as an easy way to abdicate all responsibility for "real" (i.e. money, car, etc.) problems. (I am speaking here from my own personal experience, not trying to generalize; I know that there are plenty of asshole husbands out there who do want/push for this lifestyle.)

Although, if the books and idea were really his doing, then karma really is a bitch and he can enjoy having to make 100% of the decisions (and take 100% of the responsibility when he is wrong).

[chaotic life]

I cannot believe I'm going to link this here.

However, I stand by every single word I wrote years ago. There are only two outcomes to submissive wives and Patriarchail husbands. Either there becomes an abuse and power control dynamic, OR you have a man who self destructs in their efforts to NOT become abusive. They don't all self-distruct in the same manner mine did, but they do self distruct trying to NOT fall into the easy trap of becoming abusive and controlling.

As much as everyone talks about how bad and dangerous Patriarchy is for women, the quiet counter side is that it is EQUALLY dangerous for me, perhaps moreso. I think if you cross a line into abusive it's nearly impossible to find that line and get back over it with all of your heart and soul.

http://womanreclaimed.blogspot.com/2010 ... wrong.html

You don't have to break the link, it's my blog. I can already see what traffic shows up from FJ and I'm going to flounce for it.

[formergothardite]

He has a blog called The Respected Husband which is as horrible as it sounds.

[clarinetpower]

Submissive? She is NOT submissive. She is 100% controlling this marriage, and gloating about how righteously she is doing it on the internet. A submissive wife would not point out that she knew right about the battery but he screwed up. She is jerking him around like a puppet on a string, and he's pretending he's happy about it because dinner is on time and the house is cleaner. But from the way he writes, though he'd never admit it, he's not too pleased about suddenly having "burdens" on his shoulders. Her pants may look like a long, modest skirt, but do not be fooled. She's wearing the heck out of those pants.

[BoomerLynn]

I honestly do not understand what husband WANTS this! In addition to being impossible to be "submissive" without seeming patronizing 100% of the time, my husband would be really annoyed if I a) forced him to take on an area of "housework" like bills that I was better at than him and b) let the battery thing go knowing something more was wrong and thus causing more time, money, and hassle in the long run. Guess what? Most men don't really enjoy having 100% percent of the decisionmaking and breadwinning responsibility.

Also, this wife isn't "submissive" OR "humble" - she basically gets the satisfaction of knowing (and blogging about how) she was right and zero responsibility for actually having to problem solve (how nice for her that she can just read her book while the manly menz take care of all the problems). I know the husband seems like an asshat too, but I can't get over how many of these women push their submission and the headship role onto their husbands as an easy way to abdicate all responsibility for "real" (i.e. money, car, etc.) problems. (I am speaking here from my own personal experience, not trying to generalize; I know that there are plenty of asshole husbands out there who do want/push for this lifestyle.)

Although, if the books and idea were really his doing, then karma really is a bitch and he can enjoy having to make 100% of the decisions (and take 100% of the responsibility when he is wrong).

QFT to the bolded. I honestly think my husband would drag me to a psychiatrist to figure out wth was wrong with me if I tried this submission crap. Not to mention the fact that it would get on his last nerve (and mine too).

[Burris]

Submissive? She is NOT submissive. She is 100% controlling this marriage, and gloating about how righteously she is doing it on the internet. A submissive wife would not point out that she knew right about the battery but he screwed up. She is jerking him around like a puppet on a string, and he's pretending he's happy about it because dinner is on time and the house is cleaner. But from the way he writes, though he'd never admit it, he's not too pleased about suddenly having "burdens" on his shoulders. Her pants may look like a long, modest skirt, but do not be fooled. She's wearing the heck out of those pants.

I tend to agree with you: It’s unbecoming, even for a wife who doesn’t believe in all this ‘surrendered spouse’ bullshit, to lay her husband to an open shame. She is making it perfectly clear that, na-na-na boo-boo, she was right and he was wrong.

There’s also something to be said for how this husband handled the marital discord with his wife. He perceived a problem, bought books for his wife (as opposed to looking first at himself), and then bragged about his accomplishment in, um, ‘training’ her to be more ‘peaceful.’

Marital dynamics are generally a private matter, however the spouses decide to work out their duties. These two should both be embarrassed by their online behavior in this regard – their over-sharing and their braggadocio.

(Aside: I’m gone five months and all hell breaks loose on FJ? Wow. Glad the community survived.)

[formergothardite]

I tend to agree with you: It’s unbecoming, even for a wife who doesn’t believe in all this ‘surrendered spouse’ bullshit, to lay her husband to an open shame. She is making it perfectly clear that, na-na-na boo-boo, she was right and he was wrong.

There’s also something to be said for how this husband handled the marital discord with his wife. He perceived a problem, bought books for his wife (as opposed to looking first at himself), and then bragged about his accomplishment in, um, ‘training’ her to be more ‘peaceful.’

Marital dynamics are generally a private matter, however the spouses decide to work out their duties. These two should both be embarrassed by their online behavior in this regard – their over-sharing and their braggadocio.

(Aside: I’m gone five months and all hell breaks loose on FJ? Wow. Glad the community survived.)

Welcome back!

[atheistjd]

I tend to agree with you: It’s unbecoming, even for a wife who doesn’t believe in all this ‘surrendered spouse’ bullshit, to lay her husband to an open shame. She is making it perfectly clear that, na-na-na boo-boo, she was right and he was wrong.

There’s also something to be said for how this husband handled the marital discord with his wife. He perceived a problem, bought books for his wife (as opposed to looking first at himself), and then bragged about his accomplishment in, um, ‘training’ her to be more ‘peaceful.’

Marital dynamics are generally a private matter, however the spouses decide to work out their duties. These two should both be embarrassed by their online behavior in this regard – their over-sharing and their braggadocio.

(Aside: I’m gone five months and all hell breaks loose on FJ? Wow. Glad the community survived.)

This, to the bolded. I assume he is getting what he deserves. While I find her behavior deplorable on a basic human level (and as someone who has to work SO. HARD. every day to beat that fundie-lite passive-aggressiveness out of my personality), I think he is certainly getting what he deserves and I have no sympathy for someone who doesn't think about the actual consequences of molding a spouse into little more than a Realdoll.

(and welcome back Burris!)

[Dinorah]

I find it interesting that she works, albeit part time...

[Burris]

Welcome back!

Thanks!

My own husband, who already has weaker lungs than average people, contracted both pneumonia and influenza at the same time last October. I had suggested a flu shot but we simply did not make it in time.

He has spent nearly five months in ICU recovering from complications related to the treatments he required to survive. (Trach tube and oxygen – and yes, I do have his permission to discuss the matter online.)

They tried sending him home about a month and a half ago. I ended up having to take some rather…er…extreme measures to preserve his life one night. The doctors and the paramedics agree that I saved him – an act that became, within a matter of minutes, one of the worst experiences of my life.

I have been adamant that they not return my husband until he has healed sufficiently to prevent another such occurrence. This last one took ten years off my life. He now requires a special bed, oxygen, night ventilation, suction, and other interventions – but he should be able to return to work in the summer. I will accompany him to the office three times a week, and a nurse will accompany him two times a week until everyone is satisfied he can hand the oxy tanks on his own.

As some of you already know, I read the Bible every day. When my husband and I wed, it was for life. Our vows were identical but for one point: that I promised to be his ‘suitable helper.’ A lot of people may not have agreed with what I did, but I don’t regret it.

Ultimately, however, in a situation such as the one my husband and I currently face, there is no room for dominance and submission. We’re partners, or we’re dead.

If my husband, whom I always met at the door after work, and who takes care of the bills, had not followed my instructions to the letter and trusted me that night over a month ago, I would be a widow now, and that is not exaggeration.

The best marriages I’ve seen involve a lot of communication and mutual respect, however the “headship dynamic†shakes out. These younger people, healthy and strong – they think they know so much about what it takes to make a marriage work.

As far as I’m concerned, however, until they’ve walked a mile in my husband’s shoes, they don’t know enough to school either of us on that topic. They can take their how-to books and shove ‘em up their asses.

[atheistjd]

Wow, best of luck to you and your husband. My mother has been dealing with some of the same issues caring for a very ill, frequently hospitalized spouse and I never really appreciated my own marriage vows of the commitment of spouse-caretakers until watching her go through this in the last few years. I wish you both the best, in health, as well as mentally and in your marriage.

[Burris]

Wow, best of luck to you and your husband. My mother has been dealing with some of the same issues caring for a very ill, frequently hospitalized spouse and I never really appreciated my own marriage vows of the commitment of spouse-caretakers until watching her go through this in the last few years. I wish you both the best, in health, as well as mentally and in your marriage.

When this first happened, my husband worried that he would be stuck with what he described as a limping half-life – something he never wanted to endure. I told him…

....I told him to give it some time, since his mental faculties are still entirely intact and because occupational therapists are sure they can help him regain almost all the abilities he lost to this illness. I also told him, however, that if the time came where he found life unbearable, I would not stand in his way if he decided to take the path of least resistance.

With a lot of attention from the hospital chaplain, we both achieved a level of equilibrium again, and we’re both going to counseling after he leaves the hospital. Our marriage, though, is – at least as far as I know – as solid as it has ever been.

I knew these kinds of things might happen even before I married my husband. He has an excellent mind, though, and a sense of humor; an indomitable spirit. He has friends literally all over the world and nary an enemy to speak of. Nearly everyone in ICU knows him, of course, and none have a bad word to say.

After all he has been through, my husband decided to live – and not merely to live, but to live to the fullest.

I now accept that I will likely outlive him. I did not want to look that fact full in the face, but now I do. Even so, for so long as he endures, I will make it my mission to ensure he can squeeze as much enjoyment out of every second of his life as any person can.

Over these past five months, my feelings concerning fundie logic have clarified even more: They are not merely wrong in how they approach their relationships, but so backwards that their marriages must surely be dysfunctional.

We are one flesh; as one suffers, so too does the other. As one rejoices, so too does the other.

The time these people have with one another is so short, in the grand scheme of things, that I can actually bring myself to feel pity for how they waste it on these petty power plays. It could be tomorrow that one of them dies. Or today. Instead of enjoying one another, however, they do this passive-aggressive bullshit struggle over who should c0ontrol whom.

What a waste. What an utter, useless waste.

[formergothardite]

I'm so sorry Burris. And you are exactly right, no matter how much the Respected Husband and Peaceful Wife claim that their marriage is so much happier now, you can read between the lines to still see the resentment they have for each other. She throws him under the bus pretending to show how submissive she is and he has to resent that on some level.

[Fargood]

In my first marriage, I did everything. All the child care, all house upkeep and I paid all the bills. I hated it. It's the main reason we're no longer married. It's a recipe for resentment (for both spouses.)

In my second marriage, we are truly partners. We do the budget together, we talk about where the money goes, we communicate about what repairs need to be done in the house first, etc. We have a fun and enduring relationship. Both my husband and I look forward to sitting at supper and talking about the kids' activities, whether we should buy that new fridge now or later, etc.

When one partner is saddled with all the decision making responsibility, it's unfair. No body wants to make the wrong decision. Leaving all the responsibility to one mate propogates a dangerous environment for abuse. Plus, the reality is that when one partner makes all the decisions, the marriage is losing the benefit of half its intellectual power. Vetting decisions is an important part of partnership and life.

[guidedbybobafett]

I have been reading her blog for quite awhile, it's pretty nuts. She's got a whole ministry, you guys! She'll teach you everything you need to know about saying yes to your husband, never saying no to your husband, and shutting up!

[RosyDaisy]

Oh now, I would have thrown books like that back at him and told him to kiss my ass and get the hell out.