When roles are reversed

[dairyfreelife]

Jolene downs herself again and in the process, not only degrades women to deal with lazy ass men, but insults men as well.

joleneengle.com

I didn’t realize it at the time but what was taking place in my heart was that I was becoming resentful and bitter over our situation. I was bent out of shape that I had to get up early, sit in traffic, put in my hours at work, come home and make dinner, go grocery shopping, keep the home picked up, help him out in his business, and then do it all again the next day. He, on the other hand, looked like he was living on ‘Easy Street’. (Ridiculous, wasn’t it? Especially since I was the one who wanted to give my employer so much time to find my replacement! It was my own stupid fault I was in this situation, however, I wasn’t bright enough to realize it at that time.

I'm a bit bothered by her calling herself stupid all because she worked.

Other couples will not hold fast to the view of the husband and wife having distinct Biblical roles in marriage. Perhaps they are either new in Christ and they haven’t been taught the differing roles, or they may know God’s Word but don’t agree with the premise of it, or not every couple that gets married start off their marriage as Believers in Christ; some come to the Lord later in life or a spouse may not come to Christ at all.

Then she moves to the "my way is God's way" manipulation

When you have both spouses working this can cause quite a bit of contention regarding who does what with the household chores. That would have been my scenario at the beginning of our marriage!

she was annoyed with the fact that she left for work before her husband and when she came home she found that the bed wasn’t made and the dishes were left in the sink unwashed. I smiled. I understood her situation. But what she didn’t understand was that women have more of a desire to nest; to create a nice home for their family.

As non-Martha Stewart that I am, I am more so than my husband (with the exception of his sewing skills.) My husband wasn’t going to make the bed while I was at work! It’s not something that would have crossed his mind, just like it wasn’t something that crossed my friend’s husband’s mind.

Husbands are not nearly concerned about keeping the home like wives are.

But when a woman works outside of the home we have this tendency to think that our husband is cleaning the home while we’re away. Now maybe this takes place if the man has some serious OCD tendencies, but that’s not the norm. Or he might be cleaning if he knows his wife will get on his case when she walks through the door!

As a person with OCD, I am appalled by the statement that men only clean the house if they have that mental illness. Or if his wife will yell at him until he does it. To me that's insulting, not just to women, but to men as well.

[Minerva]

But when a woman works outside of the home we have this tendency to think that our husband is cleaning the home while we’re away. Now maybe this takes place if the man has some serious OCD tendencies, but that’s not the norm.

I'm pretty sure it's normal to be able to clean your own house. My partner does not have OCD and he does most of the housework because I work more hours and have more class than he. Neither of us likes cleaning, but he cares more what the apartment looks like than I do. So much for that nesting instinct BS.

[linnea27]

I am a way bigger slob than my husband. And we never make the bed.

[emmiedahl]

My husband is more particular about the bed being made than I am. I personally like to let linens air a bit. Most of the time I cook and he washes dishes because dishes are the chore I deeply despise. We have a dishwasher so I should not detest it so much. My husband is not OCD.

That said, I do the majority of housework because my husband is the only son in a large Italian family and did not grow up with a general awareness of Things That Need Done. He can walk into a messy house and not really notice, it is just not on his radar. My father, on the other hand, grew up in a huge family of mainly boys and most of my memories of him are of helping him with household chores *because he did most of them*. My stepfather is the same way. I think we as a society raise girls to be more attentive to the condition of their home and to feel more responsible for its upkeep. Nesting happens to some women, when you are in your last trimester of pregnancy, but it is not a permanent state. There is nothing about having two X chromosomes that makes you a better homemaker than someone with one.

[Trynn]

When you have both spouses working this can cause quite a bit of contention regarding who does what with the household chores. That would have been my scenario at the beginning of our marriage!

Ok, seriously? I'm single, so correct me if I'm wrong, but from what I hear, this is NORMAL. In a marriage, there is going to be some contention in the beginning as the couple adjusts. Even later on in a marriage, contention is normal. From what I've read, I'd say that 80% of a marriage is working things out. It's just what couples DO.

If you don't want contention, don't get married. No 2 people are always going to agree on the exact same thing.

Oh wait--there IS no contention in fundy marriages: the man always wins. Nevermind! I do not know WHAT I was thinking. I guess I will go back to my dirty little heathen life, which atm should include working on stupid paper for my evil college education.

[Bbfamteam]

I'm not a good housekeeper and I'm not ashamed of that fact. If my future husband wants to clean the house, he can fire the housekeeper. Problem solved. I'll save my contention for something that's a bigger deal.

[YPestis]

You know, I'm not sure if men are raised to be less aware of housecleaning or if there's genetic predisposition to "nesting".

My own experience indicates guys do not see eye to eye when it comes to cleaning. Laundry and dishes seem to pile up more with guys living together than with girls. I think some of it is definitely upbringing. Our society puts more expectations on females to clean and decorate the home. When the house smells nice and is clean, people compliment the woman of the house. The assumption seems to be it's the woman who did all this. Likewise, if the house is slovenly and smelly, I feel many would reflexively look to the woman.

Today's guys are taught to maintain a certain level of cleanliness. However, I feel many guys don't believe cleanliness is connected to being a good husbands as much as girls connect it to being good wives. My SO was excused from much of the household chores growing up. Living by himself, dishes piled up and bedsheets went unwashed. I fault his parents for not being on top of him on cleaning. But I often wonder if it's just naturally harder to push guys to do these sort of things. My own parents were also not pushy about household chores. Now that we have our own house, I am the cleaner and have to remind my SO to keep up his share. I definitely have a lower tolerance for a dirty house than him. Nature or nurture? Probably a bit of both. I believe that while it may be harder to raise boys to clean, boys are capable of learning to. If a working wife is feeling overwhelmed because with cooking and cleaning, instead of blaming herself, she should ask her husband to alleviate some of that pressure. How is it that fundie men are never blamed for having wives that work, yet fundie women are blamed (now) for feeling asking husbands to cook and clean?

[Dysfundamental]

"Nesting" is such a culture-bound phenomenon (considering all the nomadic cultures where nobody of any gender "nests") that any gender differences seem far more likely to be sociocultural than genetic.

[RosyDaisy]

Jolene needs to realize that today, for the vast majority of families, it takes 2 incomes to make ends meet. Stupid fundie.

[jenny_islander]

Ok, seriously? I'm single, so correct me if I'm wrong, but from what I hear, this is NORMAL. In a marriage, there is going to be some contention in the beginning as the couple adjusts. Even later on in a marriage, contention is normal. From what I've read, I'd say that 80% of a marriage is working things out. It's just what couples DO.

If you don't want contention, don't get married. No 2 people are always going to agree on the exact same thing.

Oh wait--there IS no contention in fundy marriages: the man always wins. Nevermind! I do not know WHAT I was thinking. I guess I will go back to my dirty little heathen life, which atm should include working on stupid paper for my evil college education.

Poor fundie kids. They are sold such a bill of goods. Marriage is not a prize you receive on your wedding day and keep perfectly polished in the midst of your living room forever. The wedding is a bon voyage party for a long trip you take together. The trip is occasionally difficult; sometimes one partner needs help getting along, sometimes the other. And arguing over the map now and then is normal!

[JesusFightClub]

I really hate it when things are blamed on OCD.

I have it and in my case it's nothing to do with tidiness at all. It's superstition

[JesusFightClub]

Sorry, mobile playing silly buggers.

What I mean is it doesn't automatically manifest as tidiness or washing

[julie paradox]

Do you have to keep symmetrical when you go up and down kerbs?

[mirele]

I am a way bigger slob than my husband. And we never make the bed.

I never make the bed because I have a cat who sees it as a personal challenge to destroy a freshly-made bed so she can sleep in between the sheets, right in the middle. Every.single.time. I have given up.

[keen23]

My husband does the majority of the household chores. He's particular about the laundry, so he does it. He's particular about how things are folded when they are clean, so he takes care of it. He gets more annoyed with clutter, so he cleans. He's more sensitive to dust, so he vacuums and dusts on a more regular basis.

Jolene's head will probably spin with this one, but my Mom made the same as my Dad when she worked part-time and he worked full time. When she went back to work full time, she made 3X his salary. Now, he's retired, and she's the sole breadwinner of their family. Up until 2007, I made more than my husband. Now, he makes a bit more than I do.

[ilovetchotchkes]

My housekeeping skills are pretty bad.

However, I consider myself a fairly decent cook. (as my parents especially my dad who are very much food snobs tell me I'm a good cook!) and instead of having a spotless house, i settle for a slightly messy house with kids who are well taken care of- most of my day is hanging out and playing with them. The only times I am not playing with the toddler, is when I'm nursing the baby. And that's when I do my internet surfing (and he gets a 20 minute Elmo fix). So, considering when i'm not nursing, i'm playing with the toddler, there really is very little time to make the house immaculate. So, I hired cleaning ladies to swoop through once a month.

My husband works and is getting his BA, so the only household shit I ask him to do is bring up switch loads every morning, bring laundry up stairs from the basement for me to fold and tidy the living room if he has a chance in the mornings. I do the dishes, and the gardening. However, if the roles were reversed and he was the stay at home dad, I'd expect he'd do what I do. (except the breastfeeding. He's awesome, but he's not THAT awesome. )

[Peas n carrots]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

But what she didn’t understand was that women have more of a desire to nest; to create a nice home for their family.

This is so not true I wonder what universe she lives in. Are all us sloppy types denying some deep down desire to be neat and tidy?

My house isn't a hole but neither is it immaculate. I would rather enjoy life than constantly scrub down the house.

[ADoyle90815]

I never make the bed because I have a cat who sees it as a personal challenge to destroy a freshly-made bed so she can sleep in between the sheets, right in the middle. Every.single.time. I have given up.

I have a cat like that as well, and sometimes he likes to get under the comforter so you often see a lump in the bed. If that happens at night when the bed is occupied, the lump starts purring.

[alysee]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

This is so not true I wonder what universe she lives in. Are all us sloppy types denying some deep down desire to be neat and tidy?

My house isn't a hole but neither is it immaculate. I would rather enjoy life than constantly scrub down the house.

My house isn't immaculate or a hole either. Both my hubby and I have what are domestic chores are because we like doing them. My hubby likes vacuuming, sweeping, mopping and anything floor related(really hates feeling gross stuff on his bare feet) and likes getting into a freshly made bed and I could care less so he does those things everyday. I am more anal about dishes. Dishes are always done when you're done cooking/eating. It grosses me out to think what could be festering on dishes so I do them quickly. I also do the laundry. Mostly because I like ironing and folding laundry. It's not about a nesting desire it's about not wanting to live like hoarders and be healthy and happy.

[GiggleOfGirls]

I'm glad that my husband has a strong desire to create a nice home for the family because that's just not something I'm terribly good at keeping up with.

Then again, based on most fundie definitions (those that do not involve having two X chromosomes and the ability to bear children) I'm apparently not a woman so...

[2xx1xy1JD]

I have this odd notion that in assigning tasks, it helps to take interests and talents in mind.

Hubby likes sports. I don't. Therefore, he gets to be the hockey/soccer dad, volunteer as coach and be responsible for attending practices and keeping track of equipment.

I'm a pretty decent cook. Hubby is less so. Therefore, cooking is my department.

That's about the only way that we follow any gender stereotypes.

Neither of us like to clean, and we suck at it. We both contribute to the joint account, out of which we pay for cleaning help.

Both my dad and my FIL are pretty good cooks - better than my mom and MIL.

The same visual-spatial disorder that prevents hubby from being good and cooking or cleaning also makes him incapable of being handy around the house - so I assemble furniture, change light bulbs and take out the garbage.

Meanwhile, I hate the phone and he is super-social, so he's the one who makes all the calls, goes on Facebook and keeps us socially connected.

[Claddagh]

Husbands are not nearly concerned about keeping the home like wives are.

Clearly this individual has not met my dad. Mom was a total packrat while Dad was and still is a neat freak.

[dairyfreelife]

Clearly this individual has not met my dad. Mom was a total packrat while Dad was and still is a neat freak.

Or seen Hoarders.