Whiner lady says bring it on FJ lol

[Lady_M]

In our case, I knew that nurse and I didn't care for her either. Part of rearing children is teaching them to stand up for themselves in medical and other situations. If daughter wanted her mother, she's entitled to her mother to back off an overly pushy nurse. I knew she wasn't having sex, doing drugs, or anything else that might be private. The doctor kind of laughed and said I'm sure you've already covered all of that. I said yes and she has the card for my gynecologist when she thinks it's time, but I'm not going to push her unless something changes.

There's overprotecting and there's standing up for what your kid wants, too. A lot of things that are pro forma, I opt out of just because to me they aren't worthwhile in my life. My kids have learned to actually think about things and not go along for the sake of conformity.

This makes a lot of sense.

[Deleted03]

In our case, I knew that nurse and I didn't care for her either. Part of rearing children is teaching them to stand up for themselves in medical and other situations. If daughter wanted her mother, she's entitled to her mother to back off an overly pushy nurse. I knew she wasn't having sex, doing drugs, or anything else that might be private. The doctor kind of laughed and said I'm sure you've already covered all of that. I said yes and she has the card for my gynecologist when she thinks it's time, but I'm not going to push her unless something changes.

There's overprotecting and there's standing up for what your kid wants, too. A lot of things that are pro forma, I opt out of just because to me they aren't worthwhile in my life. My kids have learned to actually think about things and not go along for the sake of conformity.

Although I agree and I am sure you are a good mother, I don't think it's just the general case. A little time after this hospital visit, I had a sore throat and the doctor said that if it's not bacterial then it's mono (yeah whatever). My mom got her panties in a bunch and insisted I had never kissed anyone (which was well half true I guess) but everyone including me was just floored by how personal she was taking this and how it's not even possible. Our doctor had to tell her that you know you can get mono from public places too, not just kissing. Anyway. I think it's wrong to push a teen so hard that they feel insecure, but by my own experience, I also understand the nurse's stance.

[OkToBeTakei]

Although I agree and I am sure you are a good mother, I don't think it's just the general case. A little time after this hospital visit, I had a sore throat and the doctor said that if it's not bacterial then it's mono (yeah whatever). My mom got her panties in a bunch and insisted I had never kissed anyone (which was well half true I guess) but everyone including me was just floored by how personal she was taking this and how it's not even possible. Our doctor had to tell her that you know you can get mono from public places too, not just kissing. Anyway. I think it's wrong to push a teen so hard that they feel insecure, but by my own experience, I also understand the nurse's stance.

I think the important thing to remember is that the reason they ARE asking is because of the vulnerable, abused, young teens that would have no other outlet to share any issues they have. It is all well and good to know my/your child is not in that position and hope they will come to us. But I am quite willing for my child to 'Conform' in order that she can perpetuate a system designed to protect. It is not always about the individual for me, in this case it teaches her a social responsibility.

[Coconut Flan]

In my case I knew my daughter would come to me with her questions when it was time (which she did) and she didn't want or appreciate a bossy nurse playing inquisitor. The doctor must have had some other issues as bossy Bessy was fired not too long after that. There is a time and place for various things. This particular daughter was on the slow end of developing and a bit naive. Some 13 or 14 year olds are doing drugs and are sexually active and need all the help that they can get. Others are horrified by discussing intimate matters with a stranger who in their mind has no business butting into such things over a visit for a sinus infection. Daughter was indeed shocked and offended and just wanted it to stop. It was the right call for us.

[valsa]

Others are horrified by discussing intimate matters with a stranger who in their mind has no business butting into such things over a visit for a sinus infection. Daughter was indeed shocked and offended and just wanted it to stop. It was the right call for us.

It seems like the problem wasn't the nurse asking questions but that you didn't explain to your child that there would be questions like that being asked. I'd probably be upset if I was blindsided by a bunch of intimate personal questions but that's why parents are supposed to talk with their children about what may be asked during doctor's visits when they hit their pre-teen and teen years. From what I can tell the nurse did her job and you didn't do your's.

FYI, you can't tell which 14 year olds are blushing virgins or sexually active drug users just by looking at them- that's why those questions have to be asked. You also can't tell which kids have parents they can talk to when they have questions vs. which kids have parents who tell you that the kid can talk to them when they have questions.

[Deleted03]

It seems like the problem wasn't the nurse asking questions but that you didn't explain to your child that there would be questions like that being asked. I'd probably be upset if I was blindsided by a bunch of intimate personal questions but that's why parents are supposed to talk with their children about what may be asked during doctor's visits when they hit their pre-teen and teen years. From what I can tell the nurse did her job and you didn't do your's.

FYI, you can't tell which 14 year olds are blushing virgins or sexually active drug users just by looking at them- that's why those questions have to be asked. You also can't tell which kids have parents they can talk to when they have questions vs. which kids have parents who tell you that the kid can talk to them when they have questions.

I agree with you valsa. I think it's important for her to understand that since she's over 12 medical professional might ask her questions.

And as I said, it's not because you think she would come to you that she will ultimately. You know her, but teenagers are certainly not the most consistent individuals and things can go fast and change fast too.

Trust me I was the kid with not friends, I laughed when she asked me if I had a boyfriend! Could not even get a friend, how was I ever gonna get a boyfriend. Although I told a lot to my mom (pretty much everything), she also did not know that I played bottle at one wedding, I just never told her. Maybe partly because my cousins were with me ahahah, I dunno. I guess even if looking back I feel like I was telling her everything, I was not. And I remember her behavior offending me a lot and puzzling both my grandma and my aunt who were more relaxed and assumed a teen very probably has kissed somebody and not said anything. Anyway.

[mkitten]

FYI, you can't tell which 14 year olds are blushing virgins or sexually active drug users just by looking at them- that's why those questions have to be asked. You also can't tell which kids have parents they can talk to when they have questions vs. which kids have parents who tell you that the kid can talk to them when they have questions.

^^^This!

I was (quite literally) a choir girl, active in a Christian martial arts group, and also sexually active, smoking cigarettes and "etc." All at the age of 14. I had straight A's in school and no one would have ever known about my 'extra' extra-curricular activities just by looking at me; and in retrospect I really wish that I had had regular checkups without my mother present so that I would have had a doctor or nurse to discuss my private medical issues with. It would have saved me a very long drive to Planned Parenthood, paying my friend's older sibling for gas money, paying for the gyno exam (it only cost a little because at 14 I didn't have an income) and having to sneak around every month to pick up my birth control. What a hassle.

[Terrie]

If God is judging America with Sandy, when hasn't Europe sunk into the ocean years ago?

[Coconut Flan]

Uh, no. Why would suddenly a nurse start asking prying questions out of the blue? We'd been going to this doctor's office for years. The visit was for a sinus infection not anything vaguely related to anything else. If the visit had been for something remotely resembling a urinary tract or "female problem" yes we'd have had a discussion. Recurrent sinus infections do not warrant a pre-discussion. For the record, it never happened at that office again which leads me to believe even more so it was the nurse exceeding her boundaries. She was fired after all.

If that was going to be office policy, the parents should have been informed up front so that preparation could take place.

Now in the case of a friend's daughter who had a urinary tract problem and took her daughter to Planned Parenthood for an exam, they did take her daughter aside for a private conversation. That is understandable.

[OkToBeTakei]

If God is judging America with Sandy, when hasn't Europe sunk into the ocean years ago?

:lol:

Cos the fundies forgot to pray for Europes demise.

[OkToBeTakei]

Uh, no. Why would suddenly a nurse start asking prying questions out of the blue? We'd been going to this doctor's office for years. The visit was for a sinus infection not anything vaguely related to anything else. If the visit had been for something remotely resembling a urinary tract or "female problem" yes we'd have had a discussion. Recurrent sinus infections do not warrant a pre-discussion. For the record, it never happened at that office again which leads me to believe even more so it was the nurse exceeding her boundaries. She was fired after all.

If that was going to be office policy, the parents should have been informed up front so that preparation could take place.

Now in the case of a friend's daughter who had a urinary tract problem and took her daughter to Planned Parenthood for an exam, they did take her daughter aside for a private conversation. That is understandable.

Perhaps, but the way you wrote your post it would appear in your daughter's case whether it was a sinus infection or urine infection would have made no difference, you felt it was inappropriate. As others have repeatedly stated it really is not the concern of the nurse to know each individual child's/families situation. In fact it would be dangerous of them to assume in ANY given situation that they should not ask these questions. Better to offend one than miss a serious case of abuse/health risk that could be missed. I assume you have no proof that THIS was the reason said nurse was dismissed? Seems a breech of confidentiality to know she was dismissed in the first case, unless anecdotally.

[Coconut Flan]

It's a three doctor office. It's blatantly obvious when a nurse "goes missing." I've known the office manager for almost 30 years so yes she told me the woman was "let go" when I asked if she was gone.

No one will ever convince me that woman was right. When my daughter said I'm not here for that and I don't want to talk about it and I want my mother, she should have shut up. Daughter yelled "MAMA" and I went over and asked what is going on here. It's what mothers do. If my daughter felt harrassed, that's enough for me. Obviously I wasn't the only one. Like I said nothing like has happened again at that office or happened with any of my other children. I still felt like the woman was out of line and she upset my daughter. No, I don't think every 12 year old needs to be pulled away from parents and questioned about private details of their lives. Offered an opportunity to ask questions, but not pushily and nosily questioned especially if the child says no. YMMV.

And it is a small personalized medical office so it is their business to get to know the families. My husband golfed with the doctor and one of the nurses used to live down the street from us. They know us and most of the other families who have gone there for years. It was out of line pure and simple. If the doctor who owns the place agreed with me, I feel justified in my belief.

[Deleted03]

I remember walking in my hometown when I was like 16, and passing by the Catholic catechism place. They were holding some kind of event there (there were loud conversations and lights on in the garden). As I was walking I could see three teenagers two girls and one guy going there. Their arms were all laced together in what did not look like friendship, but much more. As soon as they stepped in the door of the Catholic place, they dropped their laced limbs. I don't think anyone had any idea of what kind of things those 3 were into.

Point is, even if a doctor follows your kids since they are babies, chances are, teen years throw all that out the window.

Plus drug use could be a cause of chronic sinus infection, coke, smoking cigarettes or pot I am sure are all risk factors.

the nurse might have been fired because she actually was doing her job or because parents were offended their teenagers were asked questions.

[OkToBeTakei]

It's a three doctor office. It's blatantly obvious when a nurse "goes missing." I've known the office manager for almost 30 years so yes she told me the woman was "let go" when I asked if she was gone.

No one will ever convince me that woman was right. When my daughter said I'm not here for that and I don't want to talk about it and I want my mother, she should have shut up. Daughter yelled "MAMA" and I went over and asked what is going on here. It's what mothers do. If my daughter felt harrassed, that's enough for me. Obviously I wasn't the only one. Like I said nothing like has happened again at that office or happened with any of my other children. I still felt like the woman was out of line and she upset my daughter. No, I don't think every 12 year old needs to be pulled away from parents and questioned about private details of their lives. Offered an opportunity to ask questions, but not pushily and nosily questioned especially if the child says no. YMMV.

And it is a small personalized medical office so it is their business to get to know the families. My husband golfed with the doctor and one of the nurses used to live down the street from us. They know us and most of the other families who have gone there for years. It was out of line pure and simple. If the doctor who owns the place agreed with me, I feel justified in my belief.

I find it sad that you cannot see out with your own opinion/experience to see how necessary it is that this does happen. That first contact can be crucial.

[Coconut Flan]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[EmmieJ]

My son is a teenager. When he was 12, he injured his pinky finger playing basketball at school. This was on a Friday. By Sat morning, it was still very painful, so I took him to the Kaiser ER. The triage nurse took us both into the exam room, but then indicated she needed to speak briefly alone with my son. It was not a request. It surprised me at first, but my son later told me that she asked him if he felt safe at home. I was glad the nurse did this - because people who abuse their kids often look nice and normal.

On another routine visit, prior to playing high school football, I was told that he would go into the examining room alone. I halfway expected it, because he was over 13. By that point, he was capable of answering the doctor's questions (for the most part). It also allowed him privacy to discuss anything he wanted with the doctor. I do not begrudge my child this privacy, nor do I feel it's my business to sit in on his doctor appointments now. Only in the case of serious injury or illness would I demand to be by his side.

It's pretty normal for health care professionals to ask teenagers some probing and yes, personal questions. If they are sexually active, this opens them to a variety of health-related concerns. Obviously, appropriate measures re safe sex, birth control, etc. Privacy is also necessary so that if a minor has something they want to share with their nurse/doctor but feel they can't in the presence of their parent -- they have privacy in which to do so. For parents, it's the difference between realizing that you don't own nor control your teenager, but are merely doing your best to safely marshall them into adulthood; versus a parent who believes they must be intimately involved with all aspects of their child's life, even as they approach full adulthood. I am grateful my parents prepared me for adulthood by gradually expanding the decisions I was allowed to make for myself (without interference, without recrimination when they were poor decisions, and without judgment); by giving me privacy; and most of all by believing that they had done a good job and could therefore trust me.

[Deleted03]

My son is a teenager. When he was 12, he injured his pinky finger playing basketball at school. This was on a Friday. By Sat morning, it was still very painful, so I took him to the Kaiser ER. The triage nurse took us both into the exam room, but then indicated she needed to speak briefly alone with my son. It was not a request. It surprised me at first, but my son later told me that she asked him if he felt safe at home. I was glad the nurse did this - because people who abuse their kids often look nice and normal.

On another routine visit, prior to playing high school football, I was told that he would go into the examining room alone. I halfway expected it, because he was over 13. By that point, he was capable of answering the doctor's questions (for the most part). It also allowed him privacy to discuss anything he wanted with the doctor. I do not begrudge my child this privacy, nor do I feel it's my business to sit in on his doctor appointments now. Only in the case of serious injury or illness would I demand to be by his side.

It's pretty normal for health care professionals to ask teenagers some probing and yes, personal questions. If they are sexually active, this opens them to a variety of health-related concerns. Obviously, appropriate measures re safe sex, birth control, etc. Privacy is also necessary so that if a minor has something they want to share with their nurse/doctor but feel they can't in the presence of their parent -- they have privacy in which to do so. For parents, it's the difference between realizing that you don't own nor control your teenager, but are merely doing your best to safely marshall them into adulthood; versus a parent who believes they must be intimately involved with all aspects of their child's life, even as they approach full adulthood. I am grateful my parents prepared me for adulthood by gradually expanding the decisions I was allowed to make for myself (without interference, without recrimination when they were poor decisions, and without judgment); by giving me privacy; and most of all by believing that they had done a good job and could therefore trust me.

The orthodontist/dentist asked my mom if she really needed to come every time I had an appointment. My mom just said yes she liked to be there. She never took the hint and never got I was able to deal with stuff.

It's easy enough to reassure a child who has been disturbed about personal questions that as they grow older they might be having more private meetings with health professional because some teenagers are not as lucky and have no one to talk to. and that even if you wish to be able to answer any question they have, that if they really feel more comfortable asking that of medical professional they can.

[jaynie]

My family doctor started asking me these questions when I was about 12. I don't ever remember feeling panicked by them, even though they weren't immediately relevant. Later on, I asked her if people actually answered her honestly (about drugs mostly) and she told me that most of them do (it can be easy to see when someone is lying about that). She said that a lot of people were model children, seemed close with their parents and everything, but just didn't feel able to talk about it with them -- but could talk about it with a medical professional. Which meant they got help, if they wanted it, or at least medically sound advice. I really don't see how it would be worth cutting people off from that very important service because it might make the odd, very underprepared teen uncomfortable.

[Lady_M]

I can actually see both sides of the "questions" and medical debate to some extent.

If a child/teen is so upset that they're actually yelling for their parent to come in, something has been done wrong. Perhaps the nurse did a poor job of explaining why she had to ask, or wasn't sensitive to the patient's distress. That's not helpful for the patient, and I can see why someone would get angry in that situation. The patient should be assertive if they're extremely uncomfortable or upset with the care they're receiving.

That being said, I completely defend privately asking questions to tweens/teens about sexuality/sexual activity in health care settings. It is absolutely critical to ensuring that a patient gets proper treatment. Teens from Christian, non-Christian, fundie, and all other types of homes have sex and/or are LGBT, and so often don't get adequate treatment or education. There are some medications/tests that shouldn't be done on a teen who might be pregnant, and STIs can cause damage if left untreated. It's not good practice to assume anything. That's why specific questions have to be asked, yes, even at 12 years old. Screening for abuse is also crucially important.

It's a very fine line.

[OkToBeTakei]

My oldest daughter is cranky. When the nurse tried to separate us the first time and ask her questions, she just got up and yelled mom come tell her to leave me alone. After that she simply grabbed my hand or arm and took me with her. The poor nurse said it's my job. I said well if she doesn't want to talk to you without me, then it's my job to be with her as long as she's a minor.

We got home and daughter said the nurse was asking too many nosy questions she didn't want to answer to her or have in their file.

I can actually see both sides of the "questions" and medical debate to some extent.

If a child/teen is so upset that they're actually yelling for their parent to come in, something has been done wrong. Perhaps the nurse did a poor job of explaining why she had to ask, or wasn't sensitive to the patient's distress. That's not helpful for the patient, and I can see why someone would get angry in that situation. The patient should be assertive if they're extremely uncomfortable or upset with the care they're receiving.

That being said, I completely defend privately asking questions to tweens/teens about sexuality/sexual activity in health care settings. It is absolutely critical to ensuring that a patient gets proper treatment. Teens from Christian, non-Christian, fundie, and all other types of homes have sex and/or are LGBT, and so often don't get adequate treatment or education. There are some medications/tests that shouldn't be done on a teen who might be pregnant, and STIs can cause damage if left untreated. It's not good practice to assume anything. That's why specific questions have to be asked, yes, even at 12 years old. Screening for abuse is also crucially important.

It's a very fine line.

It is a fine line. As the OP clearly said her daughter did not want to answer and was quite able it would appear to communicate this. But I do not think it in anyway is a reason to not support the practice as shown by example in the previous posts.

[Coconut Flan]

Just note, I didn't say that some children would not benefit from this. But it must be done respectfully and age appropriately. As I said before, I didn't like this nurse either. A child should be allowed to say no without being bullied even if the medical person thinks in her own mind that she's doing good.

[Deleted03]

Just note, I didn't say that some children would not benefit from this. But it must be done respectfully and age appropriately. As I said before, I didn't like this nurse either. A child should be allowed to say no without being bullied even if the medical person thinks in her own mind that she's doing good.

What's age appropriate? By 12 many girls have started their periods or on the verge of it (and you can get pregnant before your first period!). Some of them are sexually active too, like we said it's not written on their face, and not all parents are aware of that.

[valsa]

But it must be done respectfully and age appropriately.

Okay, how does this go?

You're a nurse in a clinic where a 12 year old girl is brought in by her mother. The girl needs to be screened for abuse at home, drugs, eating disorders, and sexual activity- all things that preteen and teen girls are at risk for. How would you do that respectfully and age-appropriately?

[mockingbird]

I can actually see both sides of the "questions" and medical debate to some extent.

If a child/teen is so upset that they're actually yelling for their parent to come in, something has been done wrong. Perhaps the nurse did a poor job of explaining why she had to ask, or wasn't sensitive to the patient's distress. That's not helpful for the patient, and I can see why someone would get angry in that situation. The patient should be assertive if they're extremely uncomfortable or upset with the care they're receiving.

That being said, I completely defend privately asking questions to tweens/teens about sexuality/sexual activity in health care settings. It is absolutely critical to ensuring that a patient gets proper treatment. Teens from Christian, non-Christian, fundie, and all other types of homes have sex and/or are LGBT, and so often don't get adequate treatment or education. There are some medications/tests that shouldn't be done on a teen who might be pregnant, and STIs can cause damage if left untreated. It's not good practice to assume anything. That's why specific questions have to be asked, yes, even at 12 years old. Screening for abuse is also crucially important.

It's a very fine line.

Yes, I agree with you. It seems like the mom was not aware these types of questions were going to be asked at routine appointments, so was unable to prepare her daughter, and it also seems like the nurse was too forceful or not sensitive enough to the girl's concern. When I first started getting asked these types of questions my doctor made it clear that she was not making any type of judgment or assumption about me by asking them, she just had to ask everyone... I was ok after that.

This is pretty standard at most appointments. I get asked if I smoke, drink, do I feel safe at home and when was my last period at every doctor's appointment I have. I get asked if I am sexually active at every appointment with my GP or gynecologist. Both of these have been standard since I was a young teen. It is NOT okay only to ask these questions in the presence of symptoms that could signal an STD (like UTI or vaginal symptoms). Some UTIs do not show symptoms or do not show early symptoms so it is important to find out if someone is sexually active so you can screen for these types of things. Also, you don't have to have an STD to be having sex but there are still other concerns a doctor or teen might want to discuss such as birth control options or safety. Same goes for drugs, alcohol, or abuse, there are not always signs, and you cannot just assume that things are okay just because they "look" okay.

Abigail, I do NOT agree parents should be able to consent to these questions because the whole purpose is being able to get information and give information to the tween/teen in a private setting without them having worries about what their parent might think... and especially with abuse, if you were only allowed to ask if a parent consented, how many more people would be able to get away with it? How many STDs might go undiagnosed because a teen was too embarrassed to talk about it in front of their parents and the doctor was not allowed to ask them if they were sexually active (if the doctor assumed they weren't, no way they could get the STD)? No, you might have a bad experience with a certain provider, but it was just that a bad experience with one provider who should have changed her approach in dealing with your daughter. It does not mean these questions don't need to be asked. You may think your daughter would come to you but you just never know. These questions were put in place to keep her safe and give her a private venue to seek information should the need ever arise.

[Coconut Flan]

The child in question is an adult now. She did come to me with her questions. Unfortunately it left her leery of new medical personnel for a quite a time. There was nothing that they needed to uncover or tend to at the time. Granted nurse busybody didn't know that for sure, but I think that removing her and never resorting to that procedure again says a lot. Now the doctors ask the kids if they need private time. That seems to work.

Oh and I sent one of her sisters once by herself at 16 and got a call to leave work as they couldn't see her without me.