Epic Bible Quotes... That Fundies Never Use

[MrsKay]

This one showed up in my feed on Facebook:

 

"Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." - Ezekiel 23:19-20

 

 

I do NOT recall that one from Sunday School.

 

What are some other good, random Bible verses? I want a collection of quotes that I can pick from, esp. with JesusWeen coming up. You may also apply your verse to your favorite Fundie(s).

[Sister Mozz]

For all the balding fundies...

"And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet he is clean." Leviticus 13:40

[Loveday]

This one showed up in my feed on Facebook:

"Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." - Ezekiel 23:19-20

:shock:

I do NOT recall that one from Sunday School.

What are some other good, random Bible verses? I want a collection of quotes that I can pick from, esp. with JesusWeen coming up. You may also apply your verse to your favorite Fundie(s).

:shock: I believed you, but I had to look it up for myself anyway. And there they were, in my pretty, floral-covered Catholic Women's Bible. What an epic couple of verses. I have a feeling they've never been included in the First Readings for Sunday mass! :lol:

[Jessica]

Love (?) the verse in 1 Kings where Elisha (right?) curses the children for making fun of his bald head and the she-bears come and maul them.

[Arete]

Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, so

that we may perserve offspring through our father.

Genesis 19:21

What I am afraid may actually be happening to some of these SAHD.

[Sister Mozz]

Genesis 19:21

What I am afraid may actually be happening to some of these SAHD.

[Sister Mozz]

If two brothers are living together on the same property and one of them dies without a son, his widow may not be married to anyone from outside the family. Instead, her husband’s brother should marry her and have intercourse with her to fulfill the duties of a brother-in-law. The first son she bears to him will be considered the son of the dead brother, so that his name will not be forgotten in Israel.

Deuteronomy 25:5-6

This isn't popularly taught, either. As much as some of these people are all about family, and even living on the same property, I just can't see this being put into place. Especially because it didn't matter if the brother-in-law was already married or not. :shifty:

[O Latin]

We had a couple of Loud Nutcases for Jesus on my university's quad the other day. They had attracted quite a crowd of onlookers, and in the course of their noisy spiel they were throwing out a bunch of Bible verses. Finally one guy in the crowd looked up the Bible on his cell phone and busted out an epic quote that basically contradicted everything the Nutcases were saying. I wish I could remember what it was, but sadly I cannot.

[Deleted05]

H'mmm, I thought this was going to be about verses more along the lines of Micah 6:8:

He has shown you, O man, what is good;

And what does the Lord require of you

But to do justly,

To love mercy,

And to walk humbly with your God?

Though in the end, it may all be the same.

[SpeakNow]

Isn't there some story about quail (I think) coming out of people's ears or something ridiculous like that?

[Deleted07]

Jesus saying he came to divide the Earth, not give it peace ;-)

Luke 12:49

49 “I have come to bring fire on the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled! 50 But I have a baptism to undergo, and what constraint I am under until it is completed! 51 Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. 52 From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. 53 They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.â€

54 He said to the crowd: “When you see a cloud rising in the west, immediately you say, ‘It’s going to rain,’ and it does. 55 And when the south wind blows, you say, ‘It’s going to be hot,’ and it is. 56 Hypocrites! You know how to interpret the appearance of the earth and the sky. How is it that you don’t know how to interpret this present time?

57 “Why don’t you judge for yourselves what is right? 58 As you are going with your adversary to the magistrate, try hard to be reconciled on the way, or your adversary may drag you off to the judge, and the judge turn you over to the officer, and the officer throw you into prison. 59 I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.â€

[Deleted07]

"But anyone who says 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell." (Jesus) Mat 5:22

"You fools!" (Jesus) Luke 11:40

"You blind fools!" (Jesus) Mat 23:17

"How foolish you are" (Jesus) Luke 24:25

"But God said to him, 'You fool!' " (Jesus) Luke 12:20

"You foolish Galatians!" (St. Paul) Galatians 3:1

"You foolish man" James 2:20

[Deleted07]

Last two:

But Rabshakeh said, "Has my master sent me only to your master and to you, to speak these words, and not to the men who sit on the wall, who will eat their own dung and drink their own urine with you?"

- Isaiah 36:12

On the eighth day she must take two doves or two young pigeons and bring them to the priest at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting. The priest is to sacrifice one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. In this way he will make atonement for her before the Lord for the uncleanness of her discharge.

- Leviticus 15:29

[crassy]

This story grosses me out.

Judges 22 Now as they were making their hearts merry, behold, the men of the city, certain sons of Belial, beset the house round about, and beat at the door, and spake to the master of the house, the old man, saying, Bring forth the man that came into thine house, that we may know him.

23 And the man, the master of the house, went out unto them, and said unto them, Nay, my brethren, nay, I pray you, do not so wickedly; seeing that this man is come into mine house, do not this folly.

24 Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing.

25 But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go.

26 Then came the woman in the dawning of the day, and fell down at the door of the man's house where her lord was, till it was light.

27 And her lord rose up in the morning, and opened the doors of the house, and went out to go his way: and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold.

28 And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place.

29 And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel.

Some other favourites:

Judges 16

Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her

2 Samuel: 16:22 Yay voyeurism!

So they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father’s concubines in the sight of all Israel

Ezekiel 23:5

Thus she committed her whoredoms with them, with all them that were the chosen men of Assyria, and with all on whom she doted: with all their idols she defiled herself.

Killing children? Sure! Isaiah 13:16

Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished.

Tits! Song 4:5

Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.

[terranova]

Most of them seem to forget

Luke 6:31

Do to others as you would have them do to you.

[TudorRose]

Isn't there some story about quail (I think) coming out of people's ears or something ridiculous like that?

I think you mean: Numbers 11 (God telling Moses what to tell the complaining hordes)

18 “Tell the people: ‘Consecrate yourselves in preparation for tomorrow, when you will eat meat. The Lord heard you when you wailed, “If only we had meat to eat! We were better off in Egypt!†Now the Lord will give you meat, and you will eat it. 19 You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, ten or twenty days, 20 but for a whole month—until it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it—because you have rejected the Lord, who is among you, and have wailed before him, saying, “Why did we ever leave Egypt?â€â€™â€

[nokidsmom]

This one came to my mind. Unfortunately I thought of the Maxwells when it came to the second part. Never hear them say but they sure do follow it.

Proverbs 15:13

A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance,

But by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.

[Miggy]

Jesus wept.

All liberal Christians and all heathens know this verse so why don't the fundies! You don't have to keep a cheerful countenance all the time. :evil:

[Visionoyahweh]

"God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn."—Numbers 23:22

"God brought him forth out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn."—Numbers 24:8

"His glory is like the firstling of his bullock, and his horns are like the horns of unicorns: with them he shall push the people together to the ends of the earth."—Deuteronomy 33:17

"Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib? Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee? Wilt thou trust him, because his strength is great? or wilt thou leave thy labour to him? Wilt thou believe him, that he will bring home thy seed, and gather it into thy barn?"—Job 39:9–12

"Save me from the lion's mouth; for thou hast heard me from the horns of unicorns."—Psalms 22:21

"He maketh them [the cedars of Lebanon] also to skip like a calf; Lebanon and Sirion like a young unicorn."—Psalms 29:6

"But my horn shalt thou exalt like the horn of the unicorn: I shall be anointed with fresh oil."—Psalms 92:10

"And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with their bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness."—Isaiah 34:7

Unicorns were real, and living during recorded history! Yet no one's ever seen a real one.

[GeoBQn]

Jesus saying he came to divide the Earth, not give it peace ;-)

Luke 12:49

I see fundies refer to this quite a bit as justification for why they try to inform people Jesus in such an antagonistic fashion.

Other quotes that fundies never use:

-The one about not cooking a kid in its mother's milk. When there were anti-gay protestors, I asked why they didn't keep kosher. The guy wasn't familiar with the verse at all and I used his Bible to look it up for him. It comes from Leviticus, just like the verse about men laying with men being an abomination.

-Anything from the Song of Songs. It's the sexiest book in the Bible, not always clear if the two lovers are married, and it's one of two books of the Bible that doesn't mention G-d by name. (The other is the book of Esther.)

-Anything from the story of Hannah. In the fundie world, men are the spiritual heads of their families, but Hannah is considered to be the inventor of prayer.

[debrand]

I could post forever on this topic!

Some Christians like to dance around these verses by claiming that the Old Testament only reports what the Hebrew did. In some cases that is true but in others, god himself is commanding people to kill or rape.

Suppose you hear in one of the towns the LORD your God is giving you that some worthless rabble among you have led their fellow citizens astray by encouraging them to worship foreign gods. In such cases, you must examine the facts carefully. If you find it is true and can prove that such a detestable act has occurred among you, you must attack that town and completely destroy all its inhabitants, as well as all the livestock. Then you must pile all the plunder in the middle of the street and burn it. Put the entire town to the torch as a burnt offering to the LORD your God. That town must remain a ruin forever; it may never be rebuilt. Keep none of the plunder that has been set apart for destruction. Then the LORD will turn from his fierce anger and be merciful to you. He will have compassion on you and make you a great nation, just as he solemnly promised your ancestors. "The LORD your God will be merciful only if you obey him and keep all the commands I am giving you today, doing what is pleasing to him." (Deuteronomy 13:13-19 NLT)

They kill everyone in the town because a few people don't worship god

Fundies never quote this verse because it says that not honoring his wife will result in a husband's prayers not being heard.

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

1 peter 3:7 Yes, it does call women weaker then men but it also says that men should honor their wives. I don't think that Peter Bradrick would like that verse very much.

[jenny_islander]

Unicorns were real, and living during recorded history! Yet no one's ever seen a real one.

A mistranslation. The word re'em actually means aurochs, the gigantic and ferocious wild ancestor of modern cattle. Aurochsen were basically shot into extinction because noblemen considered them to be superior game, where they didn't end up squashed between expanding croplands and inhospitable mountains or deserts until they either starved or crossbred with domestic cattle to the point where their genes were swamped.* They were still hanging on in eastern Europe when the KJV was written, but by that point hardly anybody in England remembered that they existed. Unicorns, OTOH, were well known in religious and secular art.

But admitting this would mean admitting that the KJV is not a perfect infallible authoritative document.

*But not extinguished. If you've ever seen a Spanish fighting bull, you've seen an aurochs, only smaller.

[Dixiebelle]

Here is one from the NT, since some of them like to say we don't live by the OT anymore.

This is probably the part that kept me from becoming full-stop fundie. Bolding is mine:

John 17:13 “I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. 14 I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. 15 My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. 16 They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. 17 Sanctify them by[d] the truth; your word is truth. 18 As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. 19 For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.

The paraphrase you hear is "be in the world, not of it". Meaning exactly the opposite of what fundies do when they separate themselves and don't allow their children to associate with "normal" people. I never understood how the above could be so misconstrued. We are sent into the world as Jesus was - Jesus associated with the "bad guys", he drank, etc. He didn't go hide in his hut writing blogs and coming out every once in awhile for a carefully scripted "conference". If any fundies are reading this, I would love to hear how you can interpret this so differently, because to me it's pretty clear. :?

[crassy]

I forgot my favourite one ever! Jesus and his tantrum at the fig tree.

Mark 11:12-14

The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.†And his disciples heard him say it.

Idgi...I mean he is supposed to be god...and he gets angry at the fig tree because it isn't bearing fruit in the off season? He made it do that! Not only that, but shouldn't he be able to make the damn tree sprout fairy floss or turn it into the Magic Faraway Tree if he wanted to?

[Minerva]

I forgot my favourite one ever! Jesus and his tantrum at the fig tree.

Mark 11:12-14

Idgi...I mean he is supposed to be god...and he gets angry at the fig tree because it isn't bearing fruit in the off season? He made it do that! Not only that, but shouldn't he be able to make the damn tree sprout fairy floss or turn it into the Magic Faraway Tree if he wanted to?

So do some fundies not eat figs now? Or do they say Jesus was talking to that particular tree?