Amy Joy Quitting Her Job

[0 kids n not countin]

I suppose good for her, quitting a job she doesn't like and isn't happy doing. I suppose I sort of "admire" her for leaving it up to God in terms of getting pregnant since that's what she believes. On the other hand, since she (and her husband) refuse to see a doctor for possible fertility issues I'm thinking she or they may regret it when she is older and still without blessings. On the other hand, if she really believes it's up to God, then why would she think "giving God the best chance possible to bless her with a child" will change the outcome? Also, although she "firmly" believes happiness is not the goal in life, she is looking forward to being a happier and healthier women & wife. Sounds pretty contradictory to me. WTF?

Some Life Changes

Hello! I am sorry things have been a little quiet on Corner of Joy for the last week or so. There has been SO much going on, and I can't wait to share it all with you, but let me take a moment to share a big decision that has been made in our lives: I have decided to quit my job.

I had some reservations about sharing this news here because somehow I can see in this great world of cyberspace that one of my coworkers will find this blog and read this before I want them to! On the other hand, I am just too excited to share this news to keep it a secret.

I have had a rough time lately. Life has been very difficult the last month or so as my body and mind has decided it has hit "the wall". The nature of my job is very high stress: lots of calls, lots of organization, lots of personal accountability and responsibility, lots of rejection, lots of traveling, lots of criticism, lots of meetings, etc.. It has been so exhausting. On top of all that, I am not really very well suited for my job. It is a constant struggle to do what I need to do because I am not very well suited to doing it and I do not enjoy it.

My husband and I made the decision that I will work until we have a child. I have a lot of student loan debt, and my entire salary, plus some of my husbands, goes toward that debt so we can be in the best possible position when our little ones start showing up. The only things is.... the little ones are not showing up.

We have not prevented pregnancy since we were married in March 2011, and we have been actively "trying" to have a baby since January of this year (aka tracking my cycles using BBT, etc.). Still no baby. It has been very disheartening and difficult, as I do not believe in fertility treatment. Instead, I am trying to put myself in the best physical and mental position for the Lord to bless me, but I am truly going to leave it up to him to do so.

The result is that I have been at this job for much longer than I ever anticipated. Every month I hope the Lord will bless us, and when it doesn't happen my immediate thought is "Oh no! That's another month at my job!". As you can imagine, this is not healthy. I have even been wondering if the stress of my job has been making it more difficult for me to get pregnant.

So the last year or so I have been pushing myself to keep going. The money is needed and I am happy to be a helper to my husband in this way for now. But this last month it all seemed to change. All of a sudden I felt like I couldn't keep pushing. I felt like I was on the edge of something and that if I pushed any harder I would fall. I am not a quitter, and I am not a whiner, but I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I finally approached my husband with this issue, and it was difficult to figure out what to do, especially given our goal of trying to get out of debt as soon as possible. I didn't know if I could hang on long enough to get another job. What if it took me months to find a new one? I felt weird before about trying to get a new job because I'd only be at the job for a few months if I got pregnant.

We prayed about it together and separately for the last month, and after many tears and frayed nerves, my husband took the lead last night and proposed this plan to me: I will work at my current job until the end of September, and during that time I will continue to apply for other jobs that might be less stress for me. Whether I have a new job or not, September 28th will be my last day at my current job.

I thanked my husband for taking the lead and agreed to this plan. When I woke up this morning, you would have thought the angels had been singing to me all night. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I have been happy all day today and see glimmers of my usual joyful self flickering back to life. I didn't realize how heavy this job had become. It was like 1 pound was added to my shoulder every day for the last year and a half, and before I knew it, I was carrying 500 pounds!

So that is what is happening for us. I firmly believe that happiness is not the goal to life, but I am looking forward to being a healthier and happier woman and wife. I am hoping this change in my situation will make my body more receptive to pregnancy, but I continue to firmly believe that it is God's decision, not mine, to give me a baby. Although I am going to be sure to give God the best chances possible to bless me with one:)

[ilovetchotchkes]

She's a fool for not even seeing a dr. I'm sorry. Some fertility issues can be treated so easily and without fertility drugs either.

I went to an RE after 18+ months of trying, didn't have health insurance for fertility drugs, he suggested some things that I personally could do, biggest one? Lose 30 lbs. LO and behold when I went to him a month later insurance card in hand ready to get an RX for clomid, I was pregnant with Tchotchke toddler!

Long story short, G-d helps those who help themselves IMO. She's trying to play the martyr.

[desertvixen]

Long story short, G-d helps those who help themselves IMO. She's trying to play the martyr.

At least she's working and trying to improve their finances rather than just sitting at home.

[ilovetchotchkes]

At least she's working and trying to improve their finances rather than just sitting at home.

I'm referring more to the fertility situation.

[meda]

Add to this the fact that they have not even been trying for a year. 12 months is generally the mark you reach before trying infertility treatments. At the very least they should go to a Dr and get the work up, since infertility can be a sign of other health problems. Does she believe that God wants people to take no responsibility for their health at all?

[ricky_ticky]

Probably it's just semantics, but I'm always bothered when the fundies claim to not "believe" in something. The existence of fertility treatment is not a matter of belief or disbelief. It is basic health care that has existed for decades. If you decide not to participate in your health or not to take advantage of what medicine has to offer to alleviate suffering, then that's your choice. But, it's not a belief.

Calling it a belief implies that there's a reason behind your choice that should, could, or would apply to others if only your belief were more widely held.

I wonder if the lack of interest in fertility assistance has to do with the patriarchal agenda of the fundies. I know that the men are supposed to be all gung-ho for having as many little arrows as possible, but they must also dread bearing the weight of supporting the brood. In some ways, infertility is a convenience, naturally limiting the family size. I think it serves to keep the woman under control as well, since she can't pursue treatment without her husband's permission AND her only legitimate role in life is that of mother. She's in a catch 22.

(I have a great deal of curiosity about Lanier of Lanier's Books in this regard.)

Good for Amy that she can leave a job she can't stomach. I'm willing to bet that her husband would never leave a position unless he had another one lined up.

[pixydust]

Probably it's just semantics, but I'm always bothered when the fundies claim to not "believe" in something. The existence of fertility treatment is not a matter of belief or disbelief. It is basic health care that has existed for decades. If you decide not to participate in your health or not to take advantage of what medicine has to offer to alleviate suffering, then that's your choice. But, it's not a belief.

Calling it a belief implies that there's a reason behind your choice that should, could, or would apply to others if only your belief were more widely held.

It's usually short for "I don't believe in the morality of __________." in fundie-dom.

[tropaka]

In the scheme of things, they haven't been trying that long - of course they should both go to a doc and check things out (wonder if masturbation for medical purposes is okay). It really could be that she's been stressed etc.

Is fertility basic healthcare, though? I mean, it's not a disease etc - I live in a country where we have public healthcare, and fertility treatments are definitely not under the umbrella of basic (i.e. covered) healthcare.

[ilovetchotchkes]

In the scheme of things, they haven't been trying that long - of course they should both go to a doc and check things out (wonder if masturbation for medical purposes is okay). It really could be that she's been stressed etc.

Is fertility basic healthcare, though? I mean, it's not a disease etc - I live in a country where we have public healthcare, and fertility treatments are definitely not under the umbrella of basic (i.e. covered) healthcare.

It depends (in the states) on your insurance.

I've had policies that covered 2 IVF cycles, the insurance we currently have covers the drugs, but not the actual IVF procedure itself- which can cost as much or more than HAVING a baby.

[salsa]

Long story short, G-d helps those who help themselves IMO. She's trying to play the martyr.

I'm guessing that this is sarcasm? :oops:

For the record, that's "Poor Richard's Almanac," which many fundies think is Scripture because they've not been taught the difference.

[ilovetchotchkes]

I'm guessing that this is sarcasm? :oops:

For the record, that's "Poor Richard's Almanac," which many fundies think is Scripture because they've not been taught the difference.

MOre like, I personally feel if she's going to be upset about not getting pregnant to DO something about it- ask her doc- its possible that there's a very simple solution- they could be timing sex wrong, that sort of thing.

I mean not thatI WANT to encourage the fundies to breed like bunnies, but having dealt with infertility myself, i get really frustrated when folks claim not to "believe" in treatment of it. Its not like G-d is sitting there benevolently granting babies left and right. Because if G-d IS, then I"ve got a few words with him regarding a good friends' repeated unexplainable ( according to her doctors) losses.

It makes me upset when fundies spout "blah blah TRUST IN G_D" but honestly? I do believe in G-d but I dont' believe in a diety that micromanages our lives to that degree.

Am i making sense? i've got a WICKED head cold and i'm kinda derpy. :P

[Sydney Fox]

In the scheme of things, they haven't been trying that long - of course they should both go to a doc and check things out (wonder if masturbation for medical purposes is okay). It really could be that she's been stressed etc.

Is fertility basic healthcare, though? I mean, it's not a disease etc - I live in a country where we have public healthcare, and fertility treatments are definitely not under the umbrella of basic (i.e. covered) healthcare.

I agree that they both should get checked out. When we experienced secondary infertility after Baby #1, it turned out that it was Mr. Fox that was the problem. We had been charting my cycles, buying ovulation testers, and I even briefly went on clomid before Mr. Fox got himself checked and found out that an infection (a root canal gone bad) was affecting the number and quality of his sperm. We had had two early miscarriages and then couldn't get pregnant at all. Thankfully it was an easy fix and we have had two more kids since. Amy may be doing all the work to try and get pregnant, when it's not even her problem.

[ilovetchotchkes]

I agree that they both should get checked out. When we experienced secondary infertility after Baby #1, it turned out that it was Mr. Fox that was the problem. We had been charting my cycles, buying ovulation testers, and I even briefly went on clomid before Mr. Fox got himself checked and found out that an infection (a root canal gone bad) was affecting the number and quality of his sperm. We had had two early miscarriages and then couldn't get pregnant at all. Thankfully it was an easy fix and we have had two more kids since. Amy may be doing all the work to try and get pregnant, when it's not even her problem.

And not only that, but the infertility or fertility issues could be being caused by something that's dangerous to her health- like a thyroid condition.

[Sydney Fox]

And not only that, but the infertility or fertility issues could be being caused by something that's dangerous to her health- like a thyroid condition.

THIS. We weren't sure how far we wanted to go with fertility treatments, but we were very open to making sure nothing else was wrong. Mr. Fox's tooth problem was obviously affecting his health, even though he couldn't feel any pain. They might not know if there's anything wrong with either of them.

[SpeshulTaterTot]

IIRC, she wrote somewhere that they don't even want to get tested because if they knew whose "fault" it was, they'd end up blaming each other. Some such nonsense.

Like others have said, it could be something simple. My cousin's wife couldn't get pregnant for two years, they'd almost given up, and it turned out to be an infection. Taking care of that has nothing to do with fertility treatment, it's not like they'd be forced to get IVF if they went to a doctor. Completely ridiculous.

[Eoywin]

Sounds like she is really stressed out by her job, and maybe taking a break will help her with getting pregnant. But it does seem silly to me not to see a doctor about fertility issues if she doesn't get pregnant.

I'm a Christian so I trust God to work in my life... but I think He wants me to do everything in my power to help myself. There is a reason there is modern medicine!

[Coconut Flan]

As so many others have said that a check up would be a logical step. So many times it's an easy fix and why even think about assigning blame for something the person can't help? Maybe they don't need children. With that kind of an attitude, they'll mess the child up before it's four or five years old.

[Trynn]

Shouldn't you be trying for at least a year before going to a doctor? I mean, a physical for both of them at this point would be a good idea, but aren't you not supposed to hit the panic "zomg baybeez not cumming!1!!!!11!!" until it's been at least 12 months?

At least this couple is smart in that the wife has been working. Student debt is no joke.

[Hane]

My ob-gyn told me that he'd never even begin testing a woman's fertility situation unless her husband had had a sperm count first. In my case, my first husband had been unusually lethargic, so I insisted he get a physical. It turned out his testosterone level was abnormally low, and his sperm count was four *thousand*--not in the tens of millions where it belonged. He was given testosterone, and I was pregnant six weeks later.

[kayray]

I am not one to be talking about God and blessings, being an unbelieving heathen and all, but by her logic what if God "saw fit" to make fertility treatments available to her?

Reminds me of this often seen joke:

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grant me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."

Anyway, yeah, a few months is really not the point to start panicking. I not baby-having or baby-wanting, but everything I have ever read on the subject says younger couples need to give it at least a year of "trying". Unless they are doing like that couple I saw on TV once who could not understand why they were not pregnant (they were not actually having intercourse) it may just be things have not worked out yet. I know there are always stories of the "boom - instantly pregnant" women, but that does not always happen (though they are not the only ones to think this, I have seen women go for clomid after 2-3 months of "infertility" :roll: ).

As for testing, jeez, if they really believe they would hold the infertile one "at fault" there are some sadder things going on in that marriage than their (possible) infertility. Why would they even THINK they would hold that against the other?