Redeemed from Abusive Marriage

[dairyfreelife]

thewarriorwives.com/2012/08/real-redeemed-marriages-out-of-abuse.html#.UDI26t1lSg0

This is beyond horrifying.

While I mostly used words and volume to attack him, he began to use physical force with me. At first it was rough pushes into chairs. Sometimes he would push me against the wall, squeeze his hands around my neck just enough to really feel pressure and terrify me but not enough to be physically damaging. He would threaten suicide and he would throw things around the house. He used words as well – very, very damaging words. I hit him also – beating my fists against his chest and pushing against him.

But he's all better now that he has Jesus. He's totally changed and they have a happy marriage.

My husband just broke before God that day. He agreed to submit to the intervention of the church and be accountable to them (and of course to God) for his actions. It is a marvelous thing that I am witnessing. He is gentle and compassionate; slow to anger and quick to accept responsibility for his failures; he is affectionate and full of goodwill; he seeks out God’s word and prays. I literally could not have ever imagined that he would one day be the man that he is today. What God has done in each of our hearts and in our marriage is absolutely a miracle.

Scary thing is they have children and she's still with him.

Her blog: ponderwoman.com

[ILoveJellybeans]

This is sad :(

Abusers rarely change like that, my friend used to be in an abusive relationship, and before she finally left him for good, she had left him a few times before for hitting her, then take him back as he promised to change. He would then be so nice to her for a bit, til she started to trust him and believe he had changed, but he never did, he would just start beating her up again in a few weeks.

[Anxious Girl]

Wow. :shock: That's just... So sad. :cry: I wish that she could she that's she's not at fault for blaming herself for defending hersfelf against her husband when he got violent. She has a daughter, too? I worry for the poor baby... :cry:

[pixydust]

Wow, that sounds like my ex-husband! Hitting me, choking me, threatening suicide if i left (I left 10 years ago, he's still alive)....and 2 years ago he was arrested for beating the shit out of his 3rd wife. They don't change.

[Maude]

If he hasn't continued to hit her, he's probably become abusive in other ways. The patriarchy just continues to enable this kind of behaviour. I hope, for her sake, and for the sake of her children, that this isn't so.

[Angri-la]

There is no redeeming abuse. People can change and apologize and find Jesus all they like; you hit someone in anger, it never, ever goes away. imho, of course.

[ADoyle90815]

If he hasn't continued to hit her, he's probably become abusive in other ways. The patriarchy just continues to enable this kind of behaviour. I hope, for her sake, and for the sake of her children, that this isn't so.

This. While my ex-husband was abusive, it was more emotional abuse than physical abuse. To me, emotional abuse is usually worse than physical abuse since the injuries aren't visible. I'm just glad I got away before there were children for him to abuse, plus I was able to cut him completely out of my life. I'm just grateful that birth control pills worked, and that my ex never threw them away.

[bananacat]

Abusers can change - for the worse. This will escalate, and it terrifies me that he is around children. My dad was "only" emotionally abusive when I stopped having contact with him in my early 20s. Fast forward 7 years and he's being investigated by the FBI for the disappearance of his most recent wife. Most abusers will never escalate that far, but it always moves in that direction. He will abuse the children if he isn't already.

I mostly feel bad for this woman. Abuse almost always has a psychological component and it will be really hard for her to leave. It's not as simple as "just leave" and I have a really hard time snarking on the victims of abuse, even if they seem foolish or irresponsible. If you've never been there it's hard to understand. And it's all made worse by the social narrative that a woman is worthless without a man to belong to or if she gets divorced. This is one of the reasons that I care so much about changing society to stop defining a woman by the man she's with. It may seem trivial when celebrity gossip does things like this, but it is harmful and creates just one more hurdle for victims to get out of their abuse.

[tropaka]

unless the "intervention" from the church involves ongoing counselling - and the "accountability" is "if we hear of you doing this again we'll make sure you're thrown out of the home and our church and into jail" I am afraid for this woman.

[emmiedahl]

I worked with a lady who had an abusive boyfriend. She broke up with him but he was wooing her back. He went to her house one morning and choked her to death in her own entryway. She left five children behind. We were not particularly good friends but it was awful to think that one day she was a single mom with a great job and an awesome life, and then her children were orphans an hour later.

You have to stay away from these assholes. Her boyfriend had been cleaning up his act and being progressively less abusive. He had been getting better. And yet he just cracked one day and murdered her. A man who will hit you is a man who will hit you. He does not love you, he does not care about your health and happiness. You are a tool, and if it is easier to kill you than to work it out he is likely to make the wrong choice.

[crassy]

If the only reason you are not abusing someone is because a book tells you to, you have serious fucking problems.

[meda]

This will not end well. The attention and pats on the head he is getting from the congregation and pastor will end, he will be expected at some point to meet more than minimal expectations, she'll lose her temper on him and "give him a reason", and then she will get hurt. Or be dead. It's called the honeymoon phase in the circle of violence for a reason.

[Austin]

I worked with a lady who had an abusive boyfriend. She broke up with him but he was wooing her back. He went to her house one morning and choked her to death in her own entryway. She left five children behind. We were not particularly good friends but it was awful to think that one day she was a single mom with a great job and an awesome life, and then her children were orphans an hour later.

You have to stay away from these assholes. Her boyfriend had been cleaning up his act and being progressively less abusive. He had been getting better. And yet he just cracked one day and murdered her. A man who will hit you is a man who will hit you. He does not love you, he does not care about your health and happiness. You are a tool, and if it is easier to kill you than to work it out he is likely to make the wrong choice.

I agree. I do believe people can change, but it takes a whole lot of motivation and the will to change and massive amounts of therapy.

[salsa]

If the only reason you are not abusing someone is because a book tells you to, you have serious fucking problems.

yup. :clap:

Typically, people don't change (abusers or not). Here's hoping he really does change and she learns to stop blaming herself. :pray:

[Burris]

I think it is possible for an abuser to change...if he has paid a legal penalty for his actions, if he has received significant counselling, if he can demonstrate a new level of self-control during a long period of separation (and by this I do not mean crying and mawkish apologies and a brief honeymoon period of overcompensating).

The change this woman describes sounds like the honeymoon period of an on-going abuse cycle. It's merely more manipulation. Once the cycle continues, the abuse will start again and may even get worse.

I feel bad for this woman. She doesn't seem to realize it yet, but she will eventually see it: The abuse will not stop. Her kids will pay with her.

[Glass Cowcatcher]

Ladies, this change business is all bullshit.

Maybe some abusers do change, but it's so incredibly rare.

In the meantime hundreds of thousands of women (and their children) die a year because they thought their man was the exception.

[bionicmlle]

While I mostly used words and volume to attack him, he began to use physical force with me. At first it was rough pushes into chairs. Sometimes he would push me against the wall, squeeze his hands around my neck just enough to really feel pressure and terrify me but not enough to be physically damaging.

...

He is gentle and compassionate; slow to anger and quick to accept responsibility for his failures; he is affectionate and full of goodwill; he seeks out God’s word and prays.

Yeah. It's called a "cycle of abuse" for a reason. Round and round....

[Anise]

Great... now his verbal abuse will be in Christianese. Real progress there. :roll:

[bananacat]

Ladies, this change business is all bullshit.

Maybe some abusers do change, but it's so incredibly rare.

In the meantime hundreds of thousands of women (and their children) die a year because they thought their man was the exception.

Thank you for saying this. This is really hard to accept; it certainly was for me. But abusers won't change.

[FlorenceHamilton]

I am a survivor of Domestic Violence.

My abuser was my husband. He was emotionally abusive much of the time and had a low frustration tolerance. Most frequently, when angry, he would pounce on me and try to strangle me while saying, "I am going to fucking kill you." If we were n the car or his hands were full, it was a back hand punch in the face. My initial response was confusion and disbelief. Despite the fact that I am a professional woman, I became trapped by the institution of marriage. I went to my Rabbi and to several counselors who all tried to help us save our marriage. Honeymoon periods resulted in our three children who I would not trade for anything in the universe. One day it occurred to me that keeping my family together was not in the best interests of my children. I did not want my son to think it was OK to treat his partner this way and I did not want my daughters to think they should tolerate this kind of abuse. Up to the day of my break point, I felt that I was the one to be ashamed. At that moment, I turned the shame over to my abuser....my husband....the person with whom I was supposed to be safest of all.

My Rabbi was actually the only one who supported me. The counselor, while initially agreeing that I had no choice, eventually decided that my husband was really a very nice guy and that I must have not taken the (14 year) marriage as seriously as I should. I became a pariah in my profession. The women in my neighborhood thought I lost my mind to give up the nice upper middle class life that I had. My family thought I was exaggerating and it proved to them that I was mentally unstable.

Despite all of that, I did find peace and go on. I did continue my work, although the hospital were I was on staff insisted that I not speak of it. My lawyer did not want to use it in the divorce. I tried to fight that, but trying to keep all of the balls in the air, I could not keep that part of the fight going and agreed to a No Fault. It is nearly impossible to get a faulted divorce in a No Fault state. Life eventually stablized and I am not at all sorry I left despite the price I paid for having married an abuser.

Several years after the divorce, the phone rang in the middle of the night. It was my ex-huband's girlfriend. She told me that my EX was in jail for the night. She proceeded to describe to me what had transpired between them that evening. It was as if she had read a page from my own life with him. She called the police and they actually did take him away that night. He called in a favor from a friend and got out the next morning. The charges were dropped. The girlfriend was eventually known as a crazy lady and had to leave the state in order to continue her career.

They do not change.

Society changes only slowly and not enough.

[Mela99]

No. Just... no. Abusive men don't change. Statistically, they just don't.

My dear friend from college just got out of an abusive relatioship - he called her a whore for having had sex before, her glasses made her 'weak', she didn't dress trendy enough, her teaching job with emotionally challenged teens wasn't good enough, all because his "last name in Hindi means King, so I deserve royalty."

We had to get her a restraining order and massive therapy.

About 2,000 women a year are killed in abusive relationships.

[sarahbrownie]

Reading this makes me overwhelming sad. It's just one of those times where you want to change something and you realize you can't because no one is willing to get out of those situations unless they want to.

I have a woman at work that disappeared for a month. Just didn't come into work, didn't call, didn't tell anyone where she was. We called the cops and find out her husband beat her into a pulp and she was in ICU. Years later, she still with the husband and it turns my stomach to know no matter what I say, no matter how many times he beats her, I cannot help her until she wants to be helped. Gosh, it's sickening to watch her flinch every time someone walks by fast or the door slams. :(