Pray for Ian

[bionicmlle]

I searched and couldn't find that we'd discussed Ian and Larissa at prayforian.blogspot.com/. They were recently all over the fundie blogs after a video about them went viral. He had brain injury while they were dating - since then they have married and his father, who used to manage the blog, has died of brain cancer. I'd say fundie-lite.

If anyone else follows this site -- does it seem to you that Larissa seems to be slowly sinking into depression? She seems to me to be trying like hell to be a submissive wife but her husband isn't exactly able to be in a firm position of leadership. They are now leaving the home they have lived in to move into the basement of parent's home and she's going to be working on a book. It seems like the self-sacrifice of some of these women is WAY too complete....

[Effie]

It seems like Ian is nothing like he was before the accident.

Edit. because of riffles.

[hagia sophia]

Yikes. I'm curious about how much he really communicates. I couldn't tell in the video, but it doesn't seem like it's on an adult level. I'm not sure I'm convinced that the "old Ian" is really in there.

I wonder if the "old Ian" would want for her to be "stuck with" the "new Ian." (Sorry if that's offensive. I can't figure out a more palatable way to say that.)

I wonder if she got married believing he was on his way to getting better and better, and then he hit a wall, and now this is what she's "stuck with?" (That phrase again...) If indeed she is getting depressed, that could explain it.

If this is as good as he's going to get, I think it's terribly sad.

[erunerune]

A judge had to grant permission for Ian to marry, since he was not deemed to have the capacity to consent to marriage,

[hagia sophia]

Oh boy, that's just ... ick.

[Effie]

Oh, this is quite sad actually: "I like to think that the special love God has given us here is just an itsy bitsy reflection of the incredible love we will have for each other in heaven." :(

[hagia sophia]

Does her bible have Matthew 22:30?

"For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven."

It's very sad.

(If it seems I am fixated on this story it's because I guess I am. I worked for two years in a nursing home coma wing. CNA - up close and personal care. And did home care for a TBI patient. And my mom was 5 years in a nrusing home ventilator unit before she died of COPD. Brain injuries are flat out, god-awful tragic.)

[Minerva]

Oh my gosh, that's really sad. I feel so bad for her, I can't even bring myself to snark.

[samithemage]

A judge had to grant permission for Ian to marry, since he was not deemed to have the capacity to consent to marriage,

See this just weirds me out. Why would you even chose to marry someone who doesn't have to capacity to consent? I mean, he never even asked her to marry him before the accident. I suppose I could see how if you were planning to marry and such an accident occurred that you would feel guilty and decide to go through with the marriage, but how is this truly a real marriage?

[samithemage]

Oh my gosh, that's really sad. I feel so bad for her, I can't even bring myself to snark.

I suppose I can snark because they weren't married or engaged before the accident. Even if they were engaged, I'd have sympathy for her for going through with their plans, but they weren't, they hadn't even really talked about marriage. She just decided it was their destiny, so she gets no sympathy from me.

[fundiefan]

I won't snark on people for marrying after disability, whether it was planned before or not. Love is love.

I do, however, question the point when a judge had to grant permission. If he could not consent, how the hell does anyone know this is what he wants?

[smores]

Is this the one that Regretsy helped with the Doctor Who request? They seem familiar but I'm not sure if they're the couple or not.

ETA Never mind, I think I'm totally confused.

[mirele]

I'm actually shocked a judge gave permission for the marriage if there was no evidence prior to his accident that he wanted to marry her.

[mockingbird]

I agree with both of your posts samithemage. It could easily come off like she is taking advantage of him. I also agree with whoever said that he doesn't seem to be on an adult level of communication but I wonder if that is maybe in part not totally reflective of what is really going on in his brain (like maybe he would benefit from an assistive device that would help him "talk" like a touch screen and then we might get a fuller picture). In one of the posts she talks about how people keep asking her whether they will have kids and she says it's "up to God". I don't know how good of an idea it would be to bring kids into that marriage and the fact that people ask... it just seems like people are choosing to ignore his disability entirely.

I do know people who have stayed with their spouses through their brain injuries but they were already married. I don't think I would go through it if we weren't already married. I think I might want to stay involved as a friend but not commit as a romantic partner, I just don't see it working out well for either of us... Edit because my browser wouldn't let me complete what I was typing: I think the healthy partner deserves someone who can fully consent to the relationship, and actively partake in the relationship on an adult intellectual/cognitive level. And I think it would be way too easy for the severely disabled partner to be abused or taken advantage of. If the healthy partner became depressed/resentful it would be bad for both.

[scarygirl]

See this just weirds me out. Why would you even chose to marry someone who doesn't have to capacity to consent? I mean, he never even asked her to marry him before the accident. I suppose I could see how if you were planning to marry and such an accident occurred that you would feel guilty and decide to go through with the marriage, but how is this truly a real marriage?

That isn't quite true. If you go further back in their blog she mentions they he had been ring shopping before the accident. I don't remember where I saw it exactly, but it is in there.

[Witsec7]

That isn't quite true. If you go further back in their blog she mentions they he had been ring shopping before the accident. I don't remember where I saw it exactly, but it is in there.

Does anyone remember who initiated the courts involvement in the wedding, or actually the determination that Ian was competent?

[Sumeri]

That isn't quite true. If you go further back in their blog she mentions they he had been ring shopping before the accident. I don't remember where I saw it exactly, but it is in there.

If you watch the video of them, it is in there. I guess they had planned to marry and he had been ring shopping before the accident.

I must be hormonal today. This blog totally choked me up. No snark from me today, I'll go rail on the crazy Catholic lady instead.

ETA - to the original question - yes, it does seem that she's depressed. By reading between the lines I wouldn't guess the move to the basement is less submissive than they're probably flat broke. She works in a bank, but can you imagine what his care must cost?

[Austin]

A judge had to grant permission for Ian to marry, since he was not deemed to have the capacity to consent to marriage,

:shock:

[guidedbybobafett]

I agree with both of your posts samithemage. It could easily come off like she is taking advantage of him. I also agree with whoever said that he doesn't seem to be on an adult level of communication but I wonder if that is maybe in part not totally reflective of what is really going on in his brain

My sister has cerebral palsy, and from an outward perspective seems unable to communicate effectively since she does not have the muscle power to hold an "intelligible" conversation. (It is intelligible to her friends and family, but can take a while to understand) I can see someone believing that she would not be able to consent to marriage or any similarly daunting decisions. However, once she is given an Ipad or phone (or any comparable device) it is clear that her disability is strictly physical, and it would be inappropriate for anyone outside of the immediate circle of her loved ones to feel they could judge what she is able to consent to, since she is an adult like you or I.

I have difficulty in situations such as this voicing an opinion one way or another, because things can appear very different from the outside and that's important to remember.

[Ex 2x2]

They are new to me, and I can't bear to watch the video. Reading through the blog is completely depressing. I'm not too far into it yet, so I have a couple questions. One, can he talk? She often says he said this or he said that. I saw above people were talking about using Ipads and such to communicate, so I'm unsure. Also, how severely injured is he?

eta: b/c I was very distracted while typing this...riffles

[bionicmlle]

I don't really have much snark for her -- I feel sad for her because I truly think she is quite sad. Sort of like my feelings about Katy at Tales from Little White House (yes - the girl who announced her pregnancy with boiled eggs - THAT was snarkworthy) who seems to carry a hell of a lot of religious guilt around with her.

As for the injury -- I do think he is pretty severely neurologically impaired but I don't really see a good reason why he would be sexually impaired. But if he needed a judge to grant consent for marriage.... Conception seems like a bag'o'worms.

[flojo]

I agree - its a really sad story.

[Ex 2x2]

I have some thoughts that I'm trying to get into some sort of understandable/postable form. I guess I'm just thinking that when you are dating and in love, there are lots of things that can almost seem romantic. I have a friend who married a guy who is blind. She loves him, but I think the everyday reality is far more difficult than she'd anticipated. I wonder if that is part of this girl's sadness. It's one thing to be in love and almost see taking care of him as romantic. But then the everyday reality sets in, and it just has to be so hard.

[wildcatgrrl]

That wedding video. My goodness. My husband suffered a TBI in 2010, and while he isn't anywhere near as severely impaired as Ian appears to be, he is still far, far from who he used to be. We were married at the time, though, for nearly 7 years already. I can't imagine her thought process on this one.

[Letgo]

I have been reading about Ian since shortly after his accident. This is such a sad story. I was kind of shocked when they decided to get married. Ian and Larissa had been dating for ten months and had planned to get married before the accident occurred; he referred to her as "my pre-fiance," I believe. Ian's dad had wanted them to marry and both Ian and Larissa seemed to be close to him. He died of cancer just a few weeks after being diagnosed. This family has had a tough few years.

Everyone at their wedding seemed happy at the union; did no one ever question it? I always wonder what Larissa's parents thought. I admit I would have a really hard time encouraging my daughter to go ahead and marry her boyfriend with a TBI.

Larissa is one of the most selfless, caring individuals I have ever "met." She does not sugar coat her life. There are some excruciatingly sad entries in the blog that make me cry. She is living a Christian life in the best sense-I can't imagine anyone who shows more of Christ's love than Larissa. They were not married when the accident happened and she could have walked away or become just a friend to Ian. Instead, she stayed with Ian and married him. However, Larissa often seems to me to be more of a caregiver for Ian than a wife. It isn't safe for Ian to be left alone. Larissa has to do all the cooking, cleaning, household chores, shopping, money earning, etc. Ian cannot work. He has trouble initiating speech and does better responding to questions. He has trouble remembering things; after his father died he would forget it had happened. Ian's mobility is severely limited and I don't think he can walk without assistance, and certainly not very far. His brother used to come over in the mornings and shower and dress Ian, but he recently moved away-I think because of some health issue his wife has. Ian and Larissa have now moved in with Ian's mother so that he and Larissa can work on writing a book about what happened and their life together. I hope it is published so I can read it and gain a better understanding of their relationship. From what I have read on the blog, I am sure I could not do what she did and does.