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25 Ways to Communicate Respect to your husband


notsocommon

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Saw this on Pintrest.

lovinglifeathome.wordpress.com/2012/08/06/25-ways-to-communicate-respect/

I don't grasp the whole keep sweet philosophy. I'm not going to spend all my time being sweet when the whole philosophy is one sided. No one ever writes about husbands respecting their wives. And I'm sure if I kept sweet for too long I'd explode at some point from sheer frustration.

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Yes, I saw that earlier this week and it actually then made me search Pinterest for more ways to respect my (non-existent) headship. No surprise that nearly all the pins related to top ten/top 25/30/20/100 ways to show respect to your husband all seemed to be (at least) fundy-light.

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My husband and I respect one another. We don't need a list to explain to us how to show one another respect, we do so naturally. Somehow, we manage to be compassionate and respectful without demeaning ourselves.

Choose Joy

It’s true: A happy wife makes a happy life. Please don’t use moodiness as an attempt to manipulate your man, but in all things rejoice, because that’s the right thing to do

I do think that we have a certain amount of control over our moods. For instance, due to a military move, my entire family had to drive from Florida to Washington State. The move was more enjoyable because my husband and I decided beforehand to concentrate on the positives and try to downplay some of the negatives. However, neither of us would have called it a stress free move.

The writer of this list is not advising women to merely take a more positive outlook, she is telling them to deny their feelings. Further, she apparently believes that any negative emotion on the wife's part is an attempt to manipulate the other person. Sometimes everyone has a crappy mood. The best, most respectful action is to let your spouse have their space during these moments. It doesn't mean you don't love your husband or wife, it doesn't mean that you aren't a good person or that you are being manipulative. It just means that you are a normal human being. Although thinking positive is good for the most part, taken to extremes it can be harmful. We all have stressess and bad moods that can be harmful to repress. People like this writer don't understand about balance and not going to extremes.

You can't seperate out love from respect. If you don't respect someone, you don't love them. You might lust after or objectify them, but you don't really love them. What you end up feeling is a selfish desire for the person that is independent of their wants and feelings. In order to be loved, the other person needs to respect you. However, if you don't respect yourself, neither will anyone else. This woman is setting herself up to be a doormat and teaching other women to do the same thing.

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I hate these "25 ways of being respectful" things. Respect is a respect and if you really respect someone you shouldn't need a list telling you how to show this. Plus "keeping sweet" and suppressing your true feelings sounds like such a horrible way to live your life, and I feel sorry for the people who think that they have to do this.

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I always thought "happy wife, happy life" meant that men have to treat their wives well or it will have dire effects on them. Of course, men should be treating us well because we are equal human beings...

I would probably fail this test, because I routinely think of my own needs when making a decision. I consider my husband's feelings to an equal extent in most cases. Sometimes we have pork for dinner because he loves it, even though I detest the treif meat of the swine (except for bacon undergarments of course :) ). Things like that. When I am sweet to my spouse, which is most of the time, he knows that I mean it, because when I am not happy I am not so sweet.

I respect my husband by assuming he is adult enough to know when I am feeling negative emotion, by assuming he was wise enough to marry someone whose opinion matters to him, things like that. Treating men like simultaneous babies and despots is not respectful imo.

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Ditto everything debrand said.

So often these posts or whatever sound like an exercise in convincing oneself they respect their partner. Maybe that is needed in a relationship where you are together out of obligation or a sense of duty, and not out of love, genuine respect and appreciation for each other.

I also tend to just believe they are immature girls who DO use their moods to manipulate, because honestly, I don't operate that way and don't need an article telling me not to manipulate the person I love. I can feel sad or down about something and STILL not manipulate my partner. Crazy!

I respect my husband. It is natural for me to do as he is a truly wonderful human being and I love him dearly. I have never had to sit down and think about how I could "make" myself respect him. He also respects me, because, well, I am pretty awesome too. And guess what, he respects that I also have my own opinions, feelings, emotions, ways of doing things. He actually likes me to share those things with him and he likes me to be AUTHENTIC with him, not deny my feelings or put on a fake-happy face. Mind-blowing, I know. It goes both ways. It's called partnership, and there is plenty of love and respect flowing in both directions even though we both remain true to ourselves too.

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Rob from the comments says:

I was disappointed to read the negative comments below: they are Satanic emissaries trying to destroy families.

Oh la la. Anyone who disagrees with the list is a Satanic emissary! Where can I sign up for that job?

But seriously, some things on that list make me sick. Look at your husband like you admire him? I feel like that would be creepy after a very short while. And you're just automatically supposed to drop everything you're doing EVERY TIME he opens his mouth? I mean, I guess I understand where this comes from. These people believe in a God that absolutely needs praise and worship at all times. The husband is a small step under God, so it makes sense.

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Women have emotions for reasons other than manipulation.

Men can be just as manipulative with emotions, it is not a gendered trait.

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People who are constantly happy are kind of creepy. Id prefer someone who shows their emotions and knows that its OK to be sad sometimes.

What I want for my future partner:

1. Neither of us has to obey the other, we are a team and equally important.

2. When we live together, we share all of the household chores and childcare (if we ever have kids). This wont be according to gender, this person could be either a man or a woman, but if I do end up with a man, I wont be stuck with the cooking and cleaning just because I have a vagina.

3. I dont want someone who is too clingy and wants to be around me all the time, or gets jealous of my friends. We are both allowed to have our own friends, interests and can spend time apart from eachother sometimes, but also have things we can do together and genuinely enjoy eachothers company.

4. We both have the right to refuse things like sex when we arent in the mood, or if we arent ready for that yet. These things should be enjoyable to both of us.

5. We can talk to eachother about anything and show our feelings.

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What debrand and kayray said. I don't need help

Or lists to tell me how to respect my husband. I just do because he deserves it. He also shows me respect every day, and I try to be someone he (and everybody else) can respect through my actions.

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Rob from the comments says:

Oh la la. Anyone who disagrees with the list is a Satanic emissary! Where can I sign up for that job?

But seriously, some things on that list make me sick. Look at your husband like you admire him? I feel like that would be creepy after a very short while. And you're just automatically supposed to drop everything you're doing EVERY TIME he opens his mouth? I mean, I guess I understand where this comes from. These people believe in a God that absolutely needs praise and worship at all times. The husband is a small step under God, so it makes sense.

I quoted you, because I would like to work with you at the Satan's emissary office. I hope we get to wear cute outfits!

There was a time when I would have read this article and MADE NOTES. Really. When I was a fundie "keep sweet" bride (I know it is really hard to imagine my big mouth being gummed shut for Jesus, or, worse, a mortal man, but it happened), I was always trying to improve myself. I was brainwashed to believe my husband's selfish, nasty ways were "because he is a man, and you must do X or Y to make him happy". I totally blamed myself. You know, I guess this article isn't much different than a "How to Please Your Man with 25 Amazing Tips involving Nutella" on the covers of Ladies' mags. It is all designed to make women feel less and feel the need to please a man to reach happiness or heaven.

I am glad my 2nd husband is a better SAHM than I am, that he does the dishes, likes the fact that I have a sassy and saucy mouth, and will change his minor behavioral issues, if I point them out without nagging. Also, he is sexy.

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I would like to work with you at the Satan's emissary office. I hope we get to wear cute outfits!

My first mental image was a nice old business door, with the name on the glass:

68KaC.jpg

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Reading that list, I was just dittoing everything the previous posters said, before I read the replies. LOLz

If I really do respect my hypothetical future husband and he respects me, why would I need a list spelling out exactly how to do that? I already know how to show respect to people (and no, does not include denying my emotions and staring in adoration at them :-P), I don't see why the husband/wife relationship is somehow on a completely different level with different rules for how to treat each other. You would call out anyone else that you know well when they are out of line, or being a jerk, or whatever... but somehow when it's your husband you're supposed to just suck it up and "stay sweet", and allow him to continue?

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They really think god is a fool and husbands are dumb. like god won't know your true feelings? he only knows what you show others? if your husband only knows the fake outward emotions you show your marriage really sucks. You can just picture all these fundies going around with that fake sappy smile on their faces trying to fool each other.

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The Dusty Springfield song "Wishing and Hoping" popped into my head as I read the list.

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That list is just gross. I ended up only reading the titles past #3 because it was all just soooo stupid. Showing respect for your partner is necessary for a healthy relationship, but aside from a few very basic rules (respect their bodily autonomy and honour their feelings are examples) that's going to look different for everyone. Some one-size-fits-all 25-point list will not help everyone, and when people feel the need to make their "how to show respect" guide gender-specific, you know it's not going anywhere good. Besides the misogynistic gender-essentialist bullshit and the fact that most of the advice on this list is actually bad for a relationship, it reads like instructions one would give a child. I can't believe it's intended for adult women, that's just so insulting.

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I really want one of the user titles to be "Satanic Emissary" now. But I'm not touching that debate, haha.

Anyway, these lists...I can't exactly pin why they bother me so much, but they do. I think it's because there's always this emphasis on DIFFERENT standards for men and women. When some people brought this up in the comments, the author pointed to a post her husband wrote about ways for men to love their wives. Love, not respect for women. Respect, not love for men. I know it's really just semantics but it bothers me. Women, we just want to be loved, but those men, they want RESPECT. Why can't the list be ways to respect your spouse? What if I want my husband to make more of an effort to look good? What if we are arguing and I am right? Why shouldn't he give in and admit that? I just wish the emphasis on different roles wasn't there, it makes me upset.

ETA: Another thing. A lot of times fundies will paint the submission relationship as "different-but-equal" roles for husband and wife. So it's not a hierarchy, the husband isn't really put above the wife. But in the same breath, they will talk about how the marriage relationship is supposed to model Jesus' relationship with the church. So does that mean that the church is equal to Jesus? Of course not. Submission by definition means you do what the other person wants you to do. No regard for your thoughts, opinions, or needs. You suppress those and just keep sweet and do what your husband wants. But that's supposed to be empowering. That's supposed to make women stronger. Right.

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Ickickick. I follow two friends on Pinterest who are always posting crap like this, and both have posted this particular list. I always want to say something snarky but chicken out.

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ETA: Another thing. A lot of times fundies will paint the submission relationship as "different-but-equal" roles for husband and wife. So it's not a hierarchy, the husband isn't really put above the wife. But in the same breath, they will talk about how the marriage relationship is supposed to model Jesus' relationship with the church. So does that mean that the church is equal to Jesus? Of course not. Submission by definition means you do what the other person wants you to do. No regard for your thoughts, opinions, or needs. You suppress those and just keep sweet and do what your husband wants. But that's supposed to be empowering. That's supposed to make women stronger. Right.

This always bothers me too. Surely different-but-equal and submission cancel each other out.

On the keeping sweet thing; what was the shortest verse in the bible? We are all suppose to remember it for trivia nights. Oh, that's right "Jesus wept." I also seem to remember Jesus getting angry at money changers in the temple. If Jesus can be sad and angry, why do I have to keep sweet?

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This always bothers me too. Surely different-but-equal and submission cancel each other out.

On the keeping sweet thing; what was the shortest verse in the bible? We are all suppose to remember it for trivia nights. Oh, that's right "Jesus wept." I also seem to remember Jesus getting angry at money changers in the temple. If Jesus can be sad and angry, why do I have to keep sweet?

Exactly! Nowhere in the Bible is it even hinted that the wife must stuff her emotions and "keep sweet". And you're right, even Jesus himself showed emotion, sometimes very strong/violent emotion about things. It wouldn't make sense if you believe God CREATED women to "be more emotional", yet then say "emotions are bad". Then again, this whole fundie mindset is pretty degrading toward women, and they are pretty much the spawn of satan only redeemed through their fathers/husbands. So maybe they DO believe God literally created them to do wrong by giving them emotions then expecting them not to use them. :?

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Smile at Him

Smiles spread happiness. Smiles have even been shown to create happiness. Smiles are contagious. And a smile makes any woman more beautiful.

Damn why have I been wasting all this money on drugs and therapy when I could be happy if I just smiled more.

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The men's list is ridiculous, put the seat down, use the hamper , use good hygiene, don't be gross don't suck in bed. It's all don't be a fucking terrible person type of advice.

http://alltruthisgodstruth.wordpress.com/2012/08/14/25-ways-to-show-your-wife-you-love-her/

This is list is just ... aaargh. Love her children? I don't want my husband to love OUR children just to please me. I hope that he loves them because of a direct relationship he has with them. (The quote in Malachi makes sense when you consider it was directed at men with many wives. My understanding is that this is telling men to love all their children and not favour those of some wives over others. No wife is going to respect you when she sees you favouring other offspring.) Not sure how doing the dishes ended up under one title of 'Intimacy'. While I appreciate someone else doing the dishes, it is not going to make me go to bed with them!

...and date nights. What is it with fundies and date nights? Jim Bob & Jchelle, Smugger & Anna, Gil & Kelly all go out for a meal once a week and call it date night. What about some variety guys? Go and see a movie. Go skating. The theatre? I am sure there are some Christian shows touring your area. Music recitals. (You can listen to professional adults instead of kids who are still learning.) Farm the kids out with friends, stay in and let the husband cook for the wife. I am sure JBs and Gils daughters can teach them how to cook one meal. Not sure what to do about Smugs.

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