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Some Handy Respectful Phrases to Use with Your Man


AtroposHeart

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If I used some of these phrases on my husband, he would tell me to stop treating him like a kid who's scared to go onstage at the school play. What he wants to hear: Please, thank you, can I get you anything while I'm up, excuse me, I see your point, I'm listening, are you okay, how was your day, I know you're working hard, and that was really thoughtful.

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I can't believe how kid-like and puke worthy these statements are. Basically I just echo everyones statements, that yes positive encouragement is good, but for sure every now and then even the best relationships have an "OMG WTF are you doing you idiot!?!" :lol:

I really don't get these women who are proud to be a doormat and run after these 'men' like children and stroking their ego like they are worth gold, when they are nothing but pathetic little Neanderthals.

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I usually find myself saying "Isn't that what I suggested we should do three days ago?". Hell, my daughter even just complained about her boyfriend pulling that "Oh, did you suggest that already" crap on her.

Some of my other favorite phrases:

It's sexy when you do the dishes baby

I swear, I'm not going grocery shopping with you anymore.

Hey babe, thanks for folding that laundry.

I am not sitting here watching WWII documentaries again.

You are the biggest pain in my ass.

I too use the "you are the biggest pain in the ass" phrase with Mr.CG I also call him smart ass on a regular basis. However, that is when we are teasing each other. If I were to start telling him things on the original list, he would ship me off to funny farm immediately. After doing a scan on me to make sure I hadn't been lobotomized. A Stepford wife is NOT what he married.

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Oh, and I'd like to hear anyone say either of these without sounding like a patronizing (or matronizing) asshole.

I seriously did say this to my husband today in a non-patronizing non-sarcastic way. He replied with "Yeah, I married you so I'm a fucking genius!" and I did a little "d'aww".

:oops:

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I also do the "Comrade [full name]!" thing. Which is roughly equivalent, as I've said, to your mum calling you by your full name and adding "Get in here right now!"

Also, "Gonnae no be a cunt for a change?" which strangely wasn't on the list ;)

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Some of these are okay, but I can't ever imagine saying "What would you like me to stop doing?" without being really passive-aggressive.

I also like the prescription of the silent treatment as a way to resolve arguments. I'm sure that's much healthier for a relationship than just saying "I feel like you are being a fuckhead and I wish you would quit doing it"

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I cannot imagine saying any of these without sounding like a patronizing fuck.

These, specifically, bother me:

Respectful SILENCE can be more powerful than words. It has to be respectful silence, not pouty silence, not the cold shoulder. If your man shuts down – he either needs an apology for your apparent disrespect or he needs some time to cool down. If he leaves the room or tries to end the conversation – please DO NOT keep talking and trying to force him to work through the conversation to a “resolution.†That is not how he works. That is what you want. It’s a great goal, but if he leaves, he is saying, “I feel so angry and disrespected that I need to leave to protect you from my anger.â€Following him around the house or out to the garage or constantly texting him trying to MAKE him talk is EXTREMELY disrespectful. Men do not do that to each other.

Leaving an argument to cool down may not be a bad thing, but the behavior she is describing here is borderline abusive. If someone gets so angry they have to "protect" someone from their anger, that's a problem.

If he has had enough, you may apologize, or give him some time to process. It takes men at least 8 more hours than women to process a lot of emotion. Giving him time and quiet may actually draw him to you in time.

The hell? Again with this gender divide stuff. Women may react a bit more emotionally in the moment, but eight hours? Give me a break. They're setting the couple up for an awful cycle where the man thinks the argument is over because the woman didn't speak, then she brings it up again half an hour later, and he starts to feel like he just can't win, especially if he "shuts down" and she backs off again.

•Explanations often come across as disrespect. If you tell your husband what you think/want/feel/desire and he says no, be VERY careful about the temptation to try to explain yourself. You think if you add more words to the situation, he’ll understand your position and change his mind. After one time of expressing yourself, he probably already understands your position and if you continue to try to change his mind when he has already answered – it is very disrespectful and will seal your fate that he will not do what you have asked just because of your disrespectful approach.

:evil: Seriously, explaining your side of the situation and trying to compromise is evil? Once again, making excuses for borderline abuse.

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No man I'd actually respect would put up with this shit a moment longer than I would -- fuck it, I'm going on about six years of celibacy (unless you count certain battery-powered devices) and I would happily put up with it permanently if this were the alternative.

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I think a lot of these are nice things express to a SO, but I doubt most fundie men are worthy of them.

. It takes men at least 8 more hours than women to process a lot of emotion. Giving him time and quiet may actually draw him to you in time.

Wtf :lol: 8 more hours? At least?!

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The respectful phrases I currently use with the men in my life are, now, harder, there, easy, yes and some positively feral noises. It's what works in my life, perhaps the blogger should try them sometime.

LOL and true...

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I thought about this and cataloged some of the "respectful" phrases I use often with the dude I'm giving away pieces of my heart to currently:

"You're just mad because I'm right."

"I'm pretty sure you're going to hell for saying that, and I'm going to hell for laughing."

"High five!"

"You may worship me now."

"Could you stop being an ass for ten minutes?"

"I love you, jerkface."

Maybe I should write a blog? :D

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Oh crap! My husband just left the room after I spoke! I think he's mad at me!!eleventy!

Oh wait, he's back. He brushed his teeth. Crisis averted!

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So, while I leave my husband at home working on remodeling a bathroom tonight, I will going to drink wine and an outdoor concert with my friends. I will be sure to tell him I am so glad he is the leader in his relationship and maybe I should thank him for allowing me to go?(I haven't told him(whoops,I mean asked him) that I am going yet.

If I said any of that drivel to him he would look at me like "What is the matter with you? Am I dying?"

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A person needs to be appreciated. This I can understand. However, I agree with the poster who said that a lot of this is stroking the man's ego. Since a lot of these men are narcissists, the women (the objects) end up being what in psychological terms is the "narcissistic supply." While the need for admiration is insatiable, the cheerleader (aka doormat) ends up being devalued and the set up is for abuse. By contrast, people with healthy personalities don't need this and will typically begin to feel somewhat uncomfortable if they begin to receive excessive amounts of approval. I really think that the difference between men who gravitate toward the fundy lifestyle (often narcissists) and men who were born into the lifestyle is that the sons are not always narcissists and may want an authentic relationship with another human being. I think Suze's brother (I forget his name) is one example.

Here's an article on "how not to be a narcissistic supply:

http://www.lisaescott.com/index.php?q=f ... tic-supply

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ughhh.

Being appreciative (which goes for both genders/partners): good.

Constantly needing to stroke your man's ego: bad.

Only slightly off topic, but I read an incredibly disturbing post on notalwaysright.com, where a customer was basically like, "I am a man; I demand respect. Women don't beat men; it's the other way around. :o." Scary the things fundie men are tought.

To which my response would have gone a little something like " The last guy that thought it was ok to hit me got his ass kicked, but you are more than welcome to try."

It’s great having a big, strong man like you around

If I ever said this to my husband he would immediately begin checking my temperature to make sure I wasn't seriously ill.

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HAHAH most of these my husband would be all "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMAN"

In fact, I used "whatever you think is best" the other day because I seriously didn't give a fuck about where we were going to dinner.

He kept saying "no no no WHAT DO YOU WANT, SERIOUSLY, I NEED SOME INPUT HERE, I DO NOT WANT TO ANGER A PREGNANT WOMAN"

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HAHAH most of these my husband would be all "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMAN"

In fact, I used "whatever you think is best" the other day because I seriously didn't give a fuck about where we were going to dinner.

He kept saying "no no no WHAT DO YOU WANT, SERIOUSLY, I NEED SOME INPUT HERE, I DO NOT WANT TO ANGER A PREGNANT WOMAN"

Many of the phrases seem normal things to say to someone you care about, but others...not so much.

I use the "whatever you want/whatever you think is best" for food decisions a lot because I really don't care, but my boyfriend doesn't like that much and says "why's it up to me? I know you have an opinion, so tell what you'd prefer." Most men do not want to make all the decisions and they want women who aren't useless doormats.

If I ever said "it's so nice to have a big, strong man around" or "thank you for taking care of me" (unless I've been sick and he has been taking care of me, then that'd be understandable) or "thanks for being the leader in our relationship. I appreciate you carrying that heacy responsibility so well" he'd think I'd gone mad.

"Big, strong man around? You're mocking me, aren't you?", "Taking care of you? You do fine taking care of yourself. You're a grown woman", and "Leader? I'm not the leader. This a partnership, not a dictatorship" would probably be his responses.

I appreciate your wisdom is iffy to me. If I asked for advice and he gave me some good advice I might say it, but it's vice versa too.

I trust you, I believe in you, You'll make the right decision, I'm so proud of you, You've got this, You'll do a great job, You did a great job, I'm so happy with you, I can't wait to see you, I appreciate you, Thank you are all things most people say not only to their spouses/boy/girlfriends, but to family and friends as well for encouragement.

But others listed are strange, except maybe the "How do you think we should handle this situation?" when trying to find a solution to a problem and getting each other's input.

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Respectful SILENCE can be more powerful than words. It has to be respectful silence, not pouty silence, not the cold shoulder. If your man shuts down – he either needs an apology for your apparent disrespect or he needs some time to cool down. If he leaves the room or tries to end the conversation – please DO NOT keep talking and trying to force him to work through the conversation to a “resolution.†That is not how he works. That is what you want. It’s a great goal, but if he leaves, he is saying, “I feel so angry and disrespected that I need to leave to protect you from my anger.†Following him around the house or out to the garage or constantly texting him trying to MAKE him talk is EXTREMELY disrespectful. Men do not do that to each other. If he has had enough, you may apologize, or give him some time to process. It takes men at least 8 more hours than women to process a lot of emotion. Giving him time and quiet may actually draw him to you in time.

This advice has some merit to it. In a heated discussion, it is often better for both parties to walk away and take sometime off. In my experience, it is difficult for my husband and I to have a constructive converstation when one or both of us start to get angry or frustrated. But we don't just walk away or shut down. We agree to take a break and come back in a certain amount of time to continue the discussion and to work towards a resolution. Then no one feels as if their concerns or thoughts are not going to be heard and we get a time to relax and take a deep breathe. Also communicating a time to reconvene the discussion helps me to not feel as if the entire conversation has been abandoned and then I don't feel as he doesn't care what I have to say. Walking away can be helpful.

My husband and I walk away not to protect each out from our anger, but so we can just take a moment away from a stressful converstation. Often times, one of us is trying to force a resolution, but on big decisions one of us does need time to process so walking away helps then as well. But both my husband and I need this. Not just my husband. we respect the needs of each other.

It seems like what she is really trying to tell women is stop nagging and hounding your husbands. Once your husband has come to a decision, don't engage him any further because it is disrespectful and will cause him to become angry. If you do challenge his decision. Stop that immediately and apologize to him. Men after all need time to sulk, to angry after being challenged by their wives. At least 8 hours of sulking or angrily fuming. WTF? It is not important what the women wants. Just do the things that make your husband happy.

As for some of the phrases suggested. I have used some of them especially when my headship comes home for an exhausting 12 hour shift at a job he hates or taking care of me during my chronic bouts of cluster headaches. I will say, " thank you for your hard work today and for providing for our family." Or when he changes a particularly nasty diaper. I say, "thanks darling for changing that shitty, smelly diaper. You must really love me." Mostly, he says you dont have to thank me. This what just what do for each other. We are a family and we are there to support each other. He also thanks me for my efforts. It is called giving support.

But I also say things like, "so do you plan on acting like a sulky brat all day?" Or "I am naked in bed and the kids are asleep." Or, "I don't agree with your decision. Let's figure out a better plan." We use lots of different types of phrases some respectful, some disrespectful. More times that not they are funny, sarcastic, etc. And neither one of us need ed someone to tell us to say I love you. Or to express gratitude for each others efforts.

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DH and I have been having some fun with these "respectful phrases" today.

DH: Those motion sensors are out again. I'm running over to Home Depot.

Me: You'll make the right decision!

DH: I picked up some grapes at the market.

Me: Thank you for being the leader in this relationship.

DH: That new computer system at work is driving me nuts.

Me: I admire your perspective on life.

DH: Here, I'll get that (picks up dog poop)

Me: You have amazing ideas.

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1) Agree some of this should go both ways, but some shouldn't ever need to be said. Normal non fundie communication would resolve an issue in such a way that is meaningful to both people.

2) Some of this sounds like you'd be talking to your baby. (Good job putting on your shoes, buddy! You did a GREAT JOB!!! YAY!!!!)

3) Some of this seems like something you'd say to your pet. (It’s great having a big, strong Doggie like you around! D'you want a milk bone? Do ya? Ya do!!!!)

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I want to get your advice/opinion/perspective on something important.

Does this really to said? Most people talk with people that they trust and love on important decisions or issue or will seek counsel if they are unsure of what to do. But I get what she seems to be saying, is that asking the husband's opinion is a way for women to show they are submissive to their headship and it is his opinion/advice that guides every decision she makes.

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Last night we decided our new ceiling would be 8ft 8inches(down from 9) as I needed to keep it as high as possible because of a chandelier. Anyway, dh comes in and says "I decided I'll just make the ceiling 8ft. and shove all the water pipes above." I was all "Oh, I don;t think so, I need that height for my chandelier.!" The ceiling is going up right now and it will be 8ft.8 inches.

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Ok, look, I'm not a dude... but if I were and my girlfriend/wife/whatever said "It’s great having a big, strong man like you around!" in a serious tone of voice I would probably just go on and take her to the ER to check for a concussion. Or brain-eating alien larvae.

I read out the choicer bits from that list to my headship, and got a Very Scared Look.*

Then I read Inanna's statement and received complete agreement.

The irony was that we were at a wedding (taking advantage of the venue's WiFi in the downtime between the meal and the dancing). We'd just watched two amazing intelligent equally-matched people get married, and in comparison, this list makes me want to vomit.

*Even though he is now quite used to my quoting choice bits of fundie-dom at him, I still manage to find ways to terrify him.

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