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I keep telling myself no good will come of getting anxious and vomiting the night before an interview. Plenty of time for that in the morning. Apparently I disagree, as every reason for ever rejection in my life is on a recursive loop in my head broken up only by analyzing my multitude of failures one by one in great detail. I don't know why I am putting this out there in a place it can't be deleted, but I do it consciously. Maybe someday the people who love me will someday read it and understand. I've tried to explain, but they don't get it. I have more love and help than I deserve but on a fundamentally emotional level I am completely alone. I just got through feeding the dogs and cats, started dinner ... I sauted beef and onions, started the sauce, put water on to boil for the cremettes ... wiped my counters and washed the dishes. I am functioning but I don't know how. I don't feel functional on even the most basic level, but my outer self keeps going through the motions. Yesterday I spent hours washing the floors, did lots of laundry, listened to podcasts ... But half the time at the end of the cast I don't know what I heard. I'm on autopiolot. At the very core of my being, my true self, is fear. I am made of nothing but fear. I am afraid of the anxiety which will only increase until my interview. I am afraid of the panic and despair that will come with rejection. I am afraid of the massive anxiety if I am hired. I need this job, I want them to hire me. But I don't kid myself ... I can feel the Pandora's box of additional anxieties just waiting to burst open if get the opportunity to fail on a bigger scale. Beyond the fear I am just acutely, painfully aware of how very alone I am in the world. I have spent the last several months accepting that. And I do. Accept it. But accepting it doesn't mean I know what to do now.
The only thing wrong with life atm is not being able to keep FJ open in my head in some kind of virtual browser. Miss you guys! So almost a month into the new gig... after a much needed (modified) from my old circle of hell... Although there is some stupid sports thing called the World Series that someone's pact with the devil got the Cubs into which prompted my dogs to ask me to post this for them... and I had a weird dream which made me look up sappy quotes...apropos of nothing. Who knew Rashida Jones was so wise?
As a mental exercise I shook off the constraints of actual education, skill, experience...you know, reality...and asked myself what I REALLY want to do for a living: SAHCryptozologist - I would look for apocryphal creatures, but within the confines of my house and the internet. So Nessie shows up in my utility sink I'm on it. forensic anthropologist (and work with Sue Black) genius programmer Technical writer - only if it paid really well and I never had to leave my house. I want to be Monk's brother Ambrose. But with a clean house...and I wasn't named after a turtle. Dave Barry (1980s-90s era) IT Ninja - swoop in when all the users are snug in their beds and fix all their issues in the black of night...communicating only through helpdesk tickets and sticky notes. They wouldn't know my name, or what I looked like...but words of my great acts would spread until the occupation of minstrel was revived just to sing my praises. Statistician/Analyst (for weird and interesting data sets) criminal profiler for historical cases (no in person criminals for me, thanks) QA Evangelist - maybe start by traveling the country side preaching the word of controlled documents, and then once I had a following preaching on some obscure cable channel about the healing power of FEMCA (failure effect mode criticality analysis) and the 10th circle of hell which is filled with 8D reports submitted by people who don't understand root cause. Professional FJer - if I could hang out here for a living that would be awesome. For me. And whomever wins the forum pool of how long it takes people to start a petition to tell me to STFU. Of the the above 5 aren't real jobs, two of which even if they were I don't have the skills. Of the 5 real jobs I have the skills for exactly none of them. I need a time machine...I've got some life choices I need a do-over on. Had I made different choices at certain critical moments I'd be a world renowned SAHC by now and your children's children would read about me in their history books. Some advice for the kids out there...