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  1. Chapter 15: The Chocolate Room Mr Wonka opens the door to The Chocolate room with keys. Like actual keys. I guess the part where Mr Wonka plays a keyboard to enter is movie only. I tried to find it but the only video on youtube ends with a rude sound as a "joke." Also did you know that Mrs TeaVee is wrong when she smugly states " Rachmaninoff" as the composer? The kids and grownups push their way into the room and they look "upon a lovely valley" with a brown river. The chocolate room is described in great detail, but we've all seen the movies so I don't need to recap that. The important part is that there is a waterfall, which Mr Wonka claims is the ONLY way to mix chocolate properly. Everything in the room, from the grass to the bushes, is edible and pretty. Let me take a moment to point out that I actually live in a town that has a chocolate waterfall. And I've been meaning to go take a photo of it for ages for this blog. I even drove past it last night. Twice, once in car, and once on a bike. Well, twice on the bike. No matter. I found a picture online. It's gross. Seriously. I can not even begin to describe the disgust I feel when I look at this monstrosity in person. It's supposedly "The worlds largest chocolate waterfall." It claims 3,000 pounds of chocolate. It has copper kettles and a sign that reminds you not to taste it. Probably because it's disgusting. Back to the book. The kids all sample a blade of grass, except Augustus who takes a handful. I can not wait for this kid to get sucked up into the tunnel. He's just so one dimensional. Grandpa Joe mentions that he wants to get on all fours and go around eating like a cow. I don't even know what to say to that. Veruca flips out when she sees "a little person" (Spoiler, it's an Oompa Loompa.) There are bunch of them and the drawing in my nice modern version is completely unoffensive. Unlike the image I just uploaded. The Oompa Loompas point and laugh at the children. Charlie says "They can't be real people" and Mr. Wonka introduces them as Oompa Loompas. Chapter 16: The Oompa-Loompas Everyone repeats the phrasing "Oompa-Loompas!" Twice. Mrs. Salt (not Mrs TeaVee) claims there is no such place and she would know because she teaches Geography. Mr. Wonka goes on a bit about what a terrible country it is, with hornswogglers and snozzwangers and whangdoodles. Whangdoodles eat Oompa-Loomps! And the Oompa-Loompas were living on green caterpillars and those tasted awful. What Oompa-Loompas REALLY want is the cacao bean. (Guess what chocolate is made from.) So Mr Wonka goes to the 'tree-house' village that the Oompa-Loompas are living in and "pokes his head" into the door of the leader's house. Mr. Wonka offers the tribe unlimited cacao beans and chocolate. He SMUGGLES THEM into his country by packing them into large packing cases with holes in them. I remember this ending differently on The Wire. Anyway, so Mr. Wonka smuggles some people into his factory/country and all is well because they now are paid with chocolate, they learned english, and they love dancing and music. Also the people wear the same clothes as in the jungle (so the movie is not accurate in the least). The women wear leaves, the children are naked, and the men wear deerskins. (If they had deer in the jungle, then why are the surviving on caterpillar paste?) Veruca interrupts Mr. Wonka by screaming about how SHE wants and Oompa-Loompa RIGHT NOW. Don't worry, Veruca. I'm sure your dad is considering finding more of them for a cheap labor source at the peanut factory. Or whatever it is he does. Mr Salt finally promises Veruca a person. He is going to give his spoiled daughter a person. Jesus, take the wheel. This is dark. When I'm done with this, I think I'll read Peter Pan and continue ruining my childhood. (In a completely weird coincidence, I put "50 Great Musical Numbers" on my phone and "Everybody ought to have a Maid" from "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" just came on. Ugh.) Augustus is being shouted at by his mom. He's about to fall into the chocolate river.
  2. Thank you to everyone for not wondering where I went for two weeks. I'll be continuing my reread of the beloved children's classic "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" on my normal schedule of "whenever I feel like it" from now until I finish or get bored. JUST KIDDING! I went on vacation. It was lovely. Chapter 14: Mr. Willy Wonka We, the readers, finally meet the much described Mr. Wonka. He's wearing a tail coat made of plum-colored velvet, bottle green trousers, grey gloves, and carries a gold-topped walking cane. He has "bright eyes" and goatee. He is described as full of fun and laughter. He is also described as "like a clever old squirrel from the park." Not quite right. Nor this. Better, but I don't know what it is from. Is there a stage play I don't know about? Mr Wonka, with a "high and flutey" voice, invites the children and parents to come forward. He shakes their hands and checks their tickets. When he gets to Charlie, he does the same, pointing out that Charlie found his ticket just yesterday. Entering the factory, Mr Wonka points out that it is warm because of "the workers" who are used to an "extremely hot climate." The group is led into what appears to be maze that slopes downward. They go this way and that way, and the air is described and it's all very lovely. Finally they arrive at what is labeled "The Chocolate Room."
  3. Chapter 13: The Big Day Arrives There is a crowd of people in front of Wonka's chocolate factory on February 1. The five ticket holders and their adults are shielded by the police. Everyone who isn't Charlie has both of their parents with them. Charlie has Grandpa Joe, the lazy old man who isn't at all interested in helping out his family until free chocolate is put on the table. The other children are being children and trying to climb over the gates. Charlie hears people in the crowd discussing the children. It's not nice. Augustus is fat, Veruca is spoiled, Charlie is poor and starving and somehow that is a personality flaw, Violet is gross with her three month old gum. And then.
  4. Chapter 12: What It Said on the Golden Ticket Charlie (which I pronounce in my head as Chaaaaalie, which I think is a TWOP Lost reference that I should stop doing) bursts into the cat's grandparent's room. They are eating their evening soup. Charlie shouts about finding the Golden Ticket, and finding money in the street. Everyone is silent. They think it's a joke. Charlie shows them the Golden Ticket. Grandpa Joe, who is not illiterate, holds the ticket up to his face, so close it's almost touching his nose. The other grandparents wait. Grandpa Joe is excited. So excited that he jumps out of bed for the first time in 20 years. Grandpa Joe is 96. My grandpa is 96. My grandpa, sad that my grandmother died a few years ago, found himself a new girlfriend. At 96. He still drives (though he shouldn't.) He still works around the house. Grandpa Joe is content to let people wait on him for 20 years. TWENTY YEARS. That means he took to his bed at 76, when he should have still been able to hold a job. He let his son's wife take care of bedpans and feeding him daily for 20 years. And the second he gets something interesting in his life, he's up. He's so excited about the prospect of going to the factory that he knocks a bowl of soup into his wife's face. Charlie's father comes home and they have to explain the excitement. Mr. Bucket sits down and has Charlie bring him the ticket. The Golden Ticket is described as being a sheet of gold hammered to ALMOST the thinness of paper. The invitation is read to the family by Mr. Bucket. The invitation invites the winner to come to the factory and be the guest of Mr Willy Wonka for a whole day. When it is time to leave, the winners will be escorted home by a procession of large trucks which contain "supplies" to feed the winner and his/her household for many years. When they are gone, the winner can go back to the factory, show the ticket, and get more. There are more undescribed surprises in store for the winners. The first of February is when the winners must present themselves and the ticket. They can bring one or two members of their own family. Turns out that Charlie found the ticket on the last day of January. Good thing he lives in the same city as the Wonka Factory! Grandpa Joe decides HE will be the one to take Charlie. Mr Bucket wants to go, but he feels that his father is the one who "deserves to go" ... Whatever. This family is dysfunctional as hell. Mrs Bucket then says that Grandpa Joe should go because she can't go and leave the "other three old people all alone in bed for a whole day." She actually says that. In front of them. And then the paparazzi show up.
  5. Chapter 11: The Miracle Charlie goes to the candy store and buys a Wonka Whipple-Scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight. Maggie Mae tears open a Russell Stover Mini Egg, with Fudge Brownie filling. I think it's pretty similar. 50% off! I put the rest of the bag in the jar with the old Halloween candy, the christmas/Hanukkah candy, and the Valentine's day candy. There is probably candy in there from two Halloweens ago. I know there are New Years Eve Noisemakers from three years ago, also in the same jar. I know this because one was used last night. Oh, so in the book, Charlie buys this candy bar from a "fat and well-fed" man. He is described in great detail about how he is fat and his neck bulges out over his shirt collar. This shopkeeper watches as Charlie shoves the candy bar into Charlie's mouth like he was starving. I guess Charlie is starving, though, so it's OK. The man tells Charlie to slow down and make sure to chew, to avoid the "gut-ache." Charlie decides to buy a second candy bar and bring 80 cents back to his mother. One dollar in 1964 is equivalent to 7.65 today, so I guess it might buy a meal. I've lived in a high cost-of-living area for so long that I don't actually know what 7.65 would buy at a grocery store. Maybe ingredients for a stir-fry? For 4. Or a LOT of almost expiring bananas. The second candy bar - same type as the last - has a Golden Ticket! We all knew he would get one, and now it's happened! The shopkeeper does not assault Charlie and steal it, he does however, draw more attention that I would be comfortable with to the situation. Did you know the shopkeeper was fat? If you had forgotten, it's helpfully pointed out again. A "large boy" is angry because he's been eating 20 chocolate bars a day trying to win this ticket. A girl laughs and says that Charlie will need the free chocolate, as he is a "skinny little shrimp." (What is up with people and making fun of fat and skinny people? Why can't we just not do that?) People offer to buy the Golden Ticket from Charlie. Finally the "fat shopkeeper" helps him out of the store, tells him to run home, and don't let anyone have it. The "fat shopkeeper" mentions that he thinks Charlie needs a break like this. So the "fat shopkeeper" isn't a villain, really, although the other adults are. So maybe it's not really fat shaming? It still seemed jarring to read about this man's weight so many times in such a short chapter. The other adults, though, are terrible. $50 and a bicycle? How awful to try and cheat a kid like that! Even $500 is still not even close to what the ticket is worth! How much do you think Veruca's dad spent on chocolate to try and get one ticket? I'm kind of surprised that no one else sold a ticket. If I had gotten one, I'd sell it for sure! A lifetime supply of candy, plus an exclusive look inside the chocolate factory is worth a lot more than $500. If I didn't sell it, I'd for sure bring a secret spy pen camera and take pictures and sell those. Or write a book about what I saw and sell that. And the candy. I don't think I eat that much candy, so I'd be donating that to soup kitchens or something. Or maybe just leave it at the end of a race, when people will eat just about anything.
  6. Chapter 10 It is now winter in unnamed city of indeterminate size, in the year of "industrial revolution/Victorian era. Or maybe later. Who knows. It's winter. It's snowing, and the Bucket family + Mrs Bucket's parents are cold, hungry, and still very poor. Soon after the candy bars ran out, Mr Bucket lost his job at the toothpaste factory. So the three meals of cabbage soup a day are halved. Mr Bucket goes out to try and earn money by shoveling, but it doesn't feed the family. Charlie begins to try and eat the chocolate scented air. Grandpa Joe, stating the obvious, points out that Charlie is growing and has to eat more. Charlie, though, being the Mary-ist of Mary Sues, refuses any extra food. He even made his mom take back an extra slice of bread when she tried to slip him her portion. Charlie, as he is starving, starts to move about his life slower. He skips recess, he leaves for school early so he can walk slower. One day, walking home from school, he finds a dollar. (So he's in the states then? Or can I assume that the UK edition has him finding some sort of note or pence or bobbin? ) Charlie looks around to see if anyone had dropped it, though it was half buried in the snow. He then thinks "food." But before he takes it home to him mother, he decides to buy a candy bar.
  7. Chapter 7: Charlie's Birthday Charlie's present is a bar of "Wonka's Whipple-Scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight" and I am not going to lie, it sounds delicious, and my opinion is based only on the name, because it is not described at all. Charlie's entire family gathers to watch him unwrap this candy bar. They remind him that it's still a candy bar, that it has the same chance as any other candy bar. Finally they tell him to hurry up and get on with it before he's late for school. Charlie opens the bar up all the way to reveal... a candy bar. Charlie tries to share the chocolate with his family, and they won't even dream of it. Chapter 8: Two More Golden Tickets Found The newspaper announced that two more more winners have been found. The third winner is "Miss Violet Beauregarde." Violet says that she "is a gum chewer, normally. But when she heard about the tickets, she switched to candy bars. Now she's back to gum." She also claims to have been chewing the same piece of gum for three months. She also criticizes her mother, talks about leaving gum on the elevator buttons, and has a frenemy named "Miss Cordelia Prinzmetel." The Grandmothers hate her. The fourth ticket is found by Mike Teavee. Mike Teavee is nine-years old, and so far the only child who was given an age. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. Mike Teavee can't stop watching TV and shooting off toy guns. The Grandmothers are appalled. Grandpa George helpfully points out that there is only one ticket left. Chapter 9: Grandpa Joe Takes a Gamble The day after Violet and Mike are introduced, Charlie goes to see his grandparents. They are all sleeping, with the exception of Grandpa Joe. Grandpa Joe gives Charlie a 10-cent piece, and tells him to go get another Wonka bar. Charlie buys a "Wonka Nutty Crunch Surprise," which would not have been my choice. It is not a winner. This chapter is kind of a cute moment between Charlie and Grandpa Joe. One of the things I'm noticing on this reread is the lack of real details. I've read this book a LOT. And I've seen the movies. The kids aren't really given nationalities or ages. Slugworth is just a rival candy maker. Grandpa Joe doesn't explain why he has a ten-cent piece. If you had asked me last week, I would have sworn in a court of law that the Buckets had a TV they pushed into the Grandparent's room to watch the announcements on. But, no, they are just reading a newspaper. That makes sense, though, because it seems to be taking place in an unknown industrial city, sometime during the industrial revolution.
  8. Chapter 6: The First Two Finders "Mr. Bucket's" evening newspaper (O.M.G. I had forgotten how newspapers used to be delivered twice a day) announces that the first Golden Ticket has been found. The winner, of course, is Augustus Gloop. Augustus is a nine-year-old boy who is "enormously fat" and "looked as though he had been blown up with a powerful pump." His fat is further described in great detail and I'm a little uncomfortable. Augustus's mother tells the papers how Augustus eats so many candy bars that it would be impossible for him to not find one. Eating is his hobby, it's all he cares about. Mom of Augustus thinks that's better than being a "hooligan." (which, btw, is a type of fish. Supposedly, one can burn them as candles, they are that fatty.) She carries on for a bit about kids these days and how Augustus is getting vitamins or whatever. Grandma Josephine finds her revolting. Quentin Blake's drawing is very happy. I don't remember if there is a creepy racist drawing of this scene in my original 1973 paperback. Grandma Georgina find the boy repulsive as well, although I find that kind of harsh. I mean, it's not his fault he's gluttonous and spoiled and boring. We are then treated to a very long paragraph describing what I believe the film calls "wonka-mania" although I could have just made that up right now. "Gangsters" are robbing banks so they can buy candy. "In far-off Russia" (lol) "Charlotte Russe" made a forgery. (is the clothing store a reference?) Someone in England, a scientist named "Professor Foulbody" made a machine to tell you if the candy bar you have has a golden ticket - without unwrapping it. It had a mechanical arm and a gold detector. Apparently it removed the tooth of a dutchess, and was smashed. And then. Veruca Salt found the second ticket. Veruca Salt's father, Mr. Salt. (CLEVER NAME) is a very rich man, you see. And so he bought all the Wonka candy he could find and had his factory workers unwrap them. It took THREE WHOLE DAYS before they found a Golden Ticket. This does not seem like a very good way to run a business. Not even Donald Trump would do that. (It's because the Donald cares about money more than his children. Even Ivanka.) Veruca apparently, kicked and screamed and threw temper tantrums until the ticket was purchased for her. The Grandmas decide that she is worse than the "fat boy," and that she needs a real good spanking. I think her problems come from her terrible parents. Who should probably have learned the word "no" at some point. And also, teach her how money works. Grandpa Joe thinks the girl is spoiled and nothing good comes from spoiling a child. Charlie's birthday is the next day. Spoiler alert: His family bought him a candy bar. Earlier we talked about how some of us (most of us?) tried to make our candy last like Charlie. I did that too. Only by day 3? 4? I'd often forget about it. I do remember my mom yelling at me about ants. I sometimes wish I could get my childhood dislike of all foods back. Back to the story: Charlie is hoping he gets a golden ticket. So is Grandpa Joe.
  9. Chapter 5: The Golden Tickets Grandpa Joe tells Mr. Bucket to read faster, as he simply must know the big news. He's content to sleep all day until Charlie comes home, but as soon as there is some sort of news about this chocolate factory, he's all about ordering his son (who works on the line at a factory) to read faster. Hey, Grandpa Joe, why don't you just read it yourself? The newspaper says that Willy Wonka is a "candy-making genius" whom nobody has seen in 10 years. Willy Wonka is going to allow five children to visit the factory. They will also win a lifetime supply of chocolates and candies. To win, they must find one of five "Golden Tickets" that have been hidden in the wrapping of candy bars. Grandma Josephine (of Joe) exclaims that the man is dotty. Grandpa Joe thinks he's brilliant and explains marketing and how using contests is part of many companies strategy. Grandpa George is excited because of the free candy. Grandma Georgina (of George) uses an exclamation point while remarking that the candy would have to be delivered in a truck. Grandpa Joe tries to get Charlie excited about the possibility of winning. Charlie is sad and tells him he won't win, as he gets one bar of chocolate a year. Of George tries to make Charlie feel better by saying he has the same chances, while George points out that other kids are buying candy every day, while Charlie gets one candy bar a year. ONE. Charlie gets ONE. Because he's poor.
  10. This chapter is awkward. Chapter 3: Mr. Wonka and the Indian Prince Grandpa Joe tells Charlie the story of "Prince Pondicherry," who had asked Mr. Willy Wonka to "come all the way out to India and build him a colossal palace entirely of chocolate." Those Indians, amirite? Always with their weird names and schemes to do impractical things. /s Mr. Wonka, of course, builds the chocolate palace and tells Prince Pondicherry (Which is a cute name but also strikes me as somewhat inappropriate. This book was written in the 1950s, published in the 1960s, so this would be about when the UK was taking in a lot of refugees from the India/Pakistan border area. I am not intimately familiar with the causes of the partition, and being a 30 something American, I am not 100% certain that I'm not talking out my ass right now.) to start eating the castle immediately, as India is hot and the castle will melt. The castle, btw, sounds amazing. Both amazingly engineered (hot chocolate comes out of the chocolate pipes, even the chocolate carpet) and amazingly gross. Seriously, you'll just be sticky all the time. The story of Prince Pondicherry, btw, has little to no bearing on the rest of the story. It's used to show that Charlie is skeptical of this story, and Grandpa Joe want to "tell him something else that's true." Which is that Willy Wonka's factory doesn't use local workers. At this point in the story, it's just Grandpa Joe, whispering to Charlie that "nobody....ever....comes...out..." and "nobody...ever...goes...in" And of course we find out how "good" Charlie is. He's a kid, poor as hell, and his supposedly bedridden grandfather is telling him a story, when his mom tells him it's time for bed. And Charlie and Grandpa Joe immediately decide to finish talking about Mr. Wonka's mysterious workers the next night. As I mentioned earlier, I grew up with the 1976 paperback with the illustrations by Joseph Schindelman. The bottom is the version that was in my book. The top, I believe, was in the UK version, published around the same time.
  11. I was "inspired" to reread the children's classic "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" today, when @HerNameIsBuffy voiced a thought I've had many times about Grandpa Joe. I posted the photo of the cover I am most familiar with, which is the 1970's cover. Apparently I too was poor as a child and read mostly used, hand-me-down books. Fine with me! Less wasted paper in the world, I suppose. Chapter 1: Here Comes Charlie We are immediately introduced to our main characters by having drawings of them along with their names and relationships. Grandpa Jo is married to Grandma Josephine. They are very old and the parents of Mr. Bucket. Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina are the parents of Mrs. Bucket. Mr and Mrs Bucket do not have first names. They have a child named Charlie. All six adults and the one "small boy" live in a wooden house that is too small for them. The able bodied adults and their child sleep in one room on mattresses on the floor. The grandparents all share one bed. I feel uncomfortable thinking about what it must smell like. This family is poor. The only person with a job is Mr. Bucket, who works in a toothpaste factory before they designed a machines to screw the lids on to the tops of toothpaste. Seriously. He screws the lids onto toothpaste. They eat boiled cabbage and potatoes, which does not make me feel better about the smell coming from this old wooden house stuffed full of old bed-bound people. Once a year, Charlie receives a chocolate bar for his birthday. He savors it, which I LOVED as a kid. One other notable thing to learn in this chapter. Charlie lives in a town with a huge chocolate factory. Charlie wants to go in and see what it's like, but for now he is content with just smelling the chocolate scented air. If I lived in a house full of boiled cabbage and grandparents, I too would walk as slow as possible past the old chocolate factory.
  12. Chapter 4: The Secret Workers Grandpa Joe tells Charlie how the large factory in their city randomly shut down one day, laying off all of the workers and closing. Mr. Wonka said he was SORRY, and then sent home every single worker. Not an HR professional was left to handle the closeout and/or severance packages. No safety inspector left to ensure the ongoing safety of this large industrial building. Just shut it down. The reason for laying off the local workforce? Supposedly corporate espionage. Spies. Wonka was mad that other chocolatiers had stolen his special candies, such at the non-melting ice cream.* Then one day, it reopened, only they never rehired the workers. The gate remained locked. Grandpa Joe claims that "the people" could see small dark shadows moving about the factory. And the factory has been making candy and chocolate and they are even better than ever. Once again we are reminded that no one goes in and no one comes out. No one has even seen Mr. Wonka since the closing of the factory. The only things that come out are the chocolates and candies. They are packed and picked up by the Post Office. At the end of the chapter, we are left with a cliff hanger! Mr Bucket (Charlie's father, the text helpfully reminds me) runs into the room waving a newspaper about. The Wonka Factory will be opened again to a lucky few! Haha, printed newspapers. *he can make non-melting ice creams, but a chocolate mansion melts into a puddle? Okay, seriously? How many violations is Mr Wonka running here? He's not letting in food and safety inspectors! He's fired the locals and doesn't leave his factory! Does he have foundations and grants for residents of this city? Charitable donations to get the goodwill of the people he's not hiring and poisoning with his factory? He fired a factory worth of people and they still love him? What is in this candy? Nicotine? Heroin? Meth? Ecstasy? Whatever "natural" drug I learned about last night on reddit where you don't even know you are high but you experience intense hallucinations? AND he laid off the locals but brought in immigrants;literal illegal aliens to save costs! Willy Wonka is Mitt Romney.
  13. Chapter 2: Mr Willy Wonka's Factory The old people are old. They are not only chronologically old, but they are physically old and described in great detail how very old they are. They are so old they are willing to stay in bed for years, all day, every day. They are so old they are sharing a bed with people who at one time were acquaintances. Grandpa George and Grandpa Joe only know each other because their children married. Mr and Mrs Bucket (who have no first names) must not have siblings. And while I understand this is a children's story and it makes it easier for kids... what are the chances of a "George" marrying a "Georgina" and a "Joe" marrying a "Josephine" ... and then the children of these people married each other. Maybe the reason they don't have names is because Roald Dahl couldn't think of a third form of Joe and George. Anyway, so back to the story. Charlie likes to listen to the old people's stories at night. He will spend up to HALF AN HOUR listening to these old people talk. The old people who sleep almost all day and only perk up when Charlie is around. This is depressing. One night, Charlie (who has a fixation on this chocolate factory) asks the Grandparents about Wonka's Chocolate Factory. It's the biggest in the world. The Grandparents have nothing bad to say about Mr. Willy Wonka. He's just amazing and extraordinary and famous and everyone in the world loves him. And he's got all these amazing chocolate inventions, like a way to make chocolate ice cream that stays cold and doesn't melt. He's got gum that doesn't lose it's flavour, and caramels that change color, and a million other things. Charlie and Grandpa Joe talk about this and are kind of sad about not having any money. Then Grandpa Joe says he's going to tell Charlie about "that crazy Indian prince" and the chapter ends. DUN DUN DUN.
  14. This is just crazy. http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/the- ... ens-movie/ One of the most beloved and oft-quoted moments in the ridiculously beloved and oft-quoted film Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory is the sequence in which the unbalanced candymaker displays his newest invention: lickable wallpaper. As the children and their guardians go to town on the wallpaper, Wonka declares: "Lick an orange. It tastes like an orange. The strawberries taste like strawberries! The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!" We laugh, because "snozzberries" is obviously a fanciful, fictional word, and nobody knows what they really were. Except that Roald Dahl, the book's author, knew exactly what snozzberries were: They're dicks. Snozzberries are dicks. Willy Wonka made those kids lick dick-flavored wallpaper. It turns out the guy who thought a story about an insane recluse casually murdering a group of children had a pretty fucked up sense of humor. In 1979, Dahl decided to revisit snozzberries in his adult novel My Uncle Oswald. The equally witty and disgusting story revolves around Oswald Hendryks Cornelius, the titular uncle and "greatest fornicator of all time." Along with his sexy accomplice Yasmin Howcomely, he devises a complicated get-rich-quick scheme that involves Howcomely seducing Europe's most famous men and then selling used condoms full of their spent semen to women wishing to birth famous progeny. Please take some time to remind yourself that this book was written by one of the world's most beloved children's authors. The term "snozzberry" comes up when Yasmin Howcomely recounts her experience with George Bernard Shaw: "How did you manage to roll the old rubbery thing on him?" "There's only one way when they get violent," Yasmin said. "I grabbed hold of his snozzberry and hung onto it like grim death and gave it a twist or two to make him hold still." "Ow." "Very effective." "I'll bet it is." "You can lead them around anywhere you want like that." Read more: http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/the- ... z2laQae73y
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