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  1. HerNameIsBuffy

    Textbook, Tablecloths, and Marital Discord!

    Oh gosh you guys! She went to college, worked, and had been in love before meeting her husband - no wonder they quarrel. this is full of awesome. I just found the above amusing. it actually pro-education even for women so progressive by Duggar standards.
  2. HerNameIsBuffy

    At war with myself

    I keep telling myself no good will come of getting anxious and vomiting the night before an interview. Plenty of time for that in the morning. Apparently I disagree, as every reason for ever rejection in my life is on a recursive loop in my head broken up only by analyzing my multitude of failures one by one in great detail. I don't know why I am putting this out there in a place it can't be deleted, but I do it consciously. Maybe someday the people who love me will someday read it and understand. I've tried to explain, but they don't get it. I have more love and help than I deserve but on a fundamentally emotional level I am completely alone. I just got through feeding the dogs and cats, started dinner ... I sauted beef and onions, started the sauce, put water on to boil for the cremettes ... wiped my counters and washed the dishes. I am functioning but I don't know how. I don't feel functional on even the most basic level, but my outer self keeps going through the motions. Yesterday I spent hours washing the floors, did lots of laundry, listened to podcasts ... But half the time at the end of the cast I don't know what I heard. I'm on autopiolot. At the very core of my being, my true self, is fear. I am made of nothing but fear. I am afraid of the anxiety which will only increase until my interview. I am afraid of the panic and despair that will come with rejection. I am afraid of the massive anxiety if I am hired. I need this job, I want them to hire me. But I don't kid myself ... I can feel the Pandora's box of additional anxieties just waiting to burst open if get the opportunity to fail on a bigger scale. Beyond the fear I am just acutely, painfully aware of how very alone I am in the world. I have spent the last several months accepting that. And I do. Accept it. But accepting it doesn't mean I know what to do now.
  3. There would be a thread about me and you would all be mocking me relentlessly. I thought about that earlier when I was singing the chorus of The Butt-Wiggling Song for the umpteenth time today (with accompanying choreographed dance.) I just adore my grandpibble, but he's what one would call a lively dog. Or a handful. So I do what I did when my kids were small and also getting a little too rambunctious (I had 'lively' children. No surprise as according to my mom I was a 'lively' girl myself) and that is ... out silly them. See, sometimes the chaos and the noise makes me want to yell and get cranky. And I don't like me that way so I subvert it with made up songs and ridiculous dance numbers. Or sometimes puppet shows with socks and potatoes. Or free form poetry disguised as rap battling the four legged ones. I always win - I suck but I'm more verbal than the dogs are and the cats just ignore me. Once, when my youngest kidult walked in while I was in the middle of signing my latest hit, "Who's My Sack of Love Potatoes?" he stopped and just stared stonefaced until I was done. I reminded him I did this to them when they were small and his reply, "I know. Sometimes I wish you'd have just smacked us instead." I don't know where he gets his sarcasm.
  4. To start sucking. A little after 5:00 this morning I woke up and when I went to get a up a shot of pain went through my head. Turns out my arm was on my hair and the harder I tried to get up the harder I was pulling it. As this was happening I tried to open my eyes but they'd been crusted shut from crying last night so for a few scary seconds this morning I was wildly disoriented, blind, and trapped by my own hair. Went back to sleep and about an hour later was jolted awake when one of the cats knocked a metal cat bowl off the dresser and it hit the hardwood and rang out like a shot. Got up and took something for my then throbbing head and went back to sleep...until about 45 minutes ago when I sat bolt upright when a Johnny Cash song at full volume assaulted by ears. No offense to Johnny Cash fans. Idk when my son decided to join your ranks and that is a wholly unacceptable way to finally greet the day. Even with a splitting headache (coffee is helping) and much morning weirdness I feel better than I did last night. I need to brew some tea so I can use the bags to hopefully bring some of this eye swelling down, not that looking like I am riddled with mumps isn't a wildly attractive look. Late start, but it was a late night. I'm going to finish my coffee, pour another cup, set my schedule for today in 20 minute increments, and plow ahead.
  5. HerNameIsBuffy

    Life recap

    Just checking in. Have been crazy busy for the last month or so. Doing what? (Asks no one...) working long hours on the biggest project of my career. dealing with the logistics of my divorce including now having to pump my own gas, which is ridiculous. keeping a low profile so until I'm capable of communicating without bleeding my barely contained messy psyche over even innocuous comments. (You're welcome) coming to grips with my full blown Cinderella complex which is an affliction I've always had, but completely forgot about until it flared up and took over my life getting slapped in the face with shitty messages from the universe which are crystal clear and unambiguous and even I can only ignore for so long before I need to accept. And respond...
  6. HerNameIsBuffy

    Life update...

    The only thing wrong with life atm is not being able to keep FJ open in my head in some kind of virtual browser. Miss you guys! So almost a month into the new gig... after a much needed (modified) from my old circle of hell... Although there is some stupid sports thing called the World Series that someone's pact with the devil got the Cubs into which prompted my dogs to ask me to post this for them... and I had a weird dream which made me look up sappy quotes...apropos of nothing. Who knew Rashida Jones was so wise?
  7. OnceUponATime

    I need to buy me some new shoes

    This week I have accomplished something great, HUGE even: I have finally found shoes that don't make my little toes feel like they somehow missed their amputation appointment. Color - check Ease of purchase - check Ability to reorder 1000000 pairs at once - near check (I actually want to wear them a bit more first to make sure they'll hold up ok). No attack of the allergies while shopping - check NO squished painful toes! - CHECK! You have no idea how happy I am about this. YEARS and MANY shoes of attempted this made me wonder if it might be impossible without emptying my bank account. Apparently it IS possible. YAY! I'm so happy. I once found a pair of shoes when I was really desperate that were good, except they were something like 5 times my budget at the time which wasn't really possible. So, long live internet shopping and long may I be able to purchase shoes with free return, and no import taxes. (and may internet shopping greatly improve. I got my feet scanned so I could find out what shoes would fit best and the damn thing won't even tell me that. I have to look at each individual shoe *sigh* At least the scan did inform me that I have WIDE feet, and thus I'm not imagining that ) The search for work/formal shoes/boots continues. I ordered some 'wide' ankle boots online. People complained in the reviews that they were too wide. I try them on and was so terribly terribly saddened. I'm not sure how much foot binding those reviewers did in their youth, but those boots made me want to get rid of 2 full toes spread over 3 toes, on each foot. They were NOT wide enough. I guess the bonus was I could actually squeeze my feet into the boots. There have been times in the last five years and the 100s or possibly 1000s of shoes/boots tried on, where it just wasn't possible to do that. And I guess while I talk about footwear, it's time I got some new gardening shoes. I don't know what I want, or how to find cheap enough footwear that'll fit, is sturdy enough and won't get full of dirt every time I step outside (ok ok, today it was manure and dirt) Then I might need some gumboots , and I'll be sorted for the next 20 years. One may dream right?
  8. HerNameIsBuffy

    What is this about?

    What the hell is that about? All engaged and nothing but net ...how is this a thing? and here's a baby sloth...for happiness...
  9. HerNameIsBuffy

    Sometimes we just need to laugh...

    As bad as the world can be sometimes its important to remember to appreciate the smart and funny that make the world a better place. I love linguistics and smart humor - Zach Sherwin is awesome...
  10. I know I promised mountain goats. This is that story. Please don't leave because of the title. As long as I have lived here, I've been able to "group" the tourists. (Well, the ones that make themselves known as tourists.) They show up. They help our economy. They drive us all mad. We've got the cruise ship crowd Wealthy, elderly, generally happy and slightly clueless. Most of these tourists are harmless. Fun story; last year we went on a couple of whale watching/glacier viewing "cruises" that I won through work. Very lovely experience, saw TONS of wildlife. Met lots and lots of tourists. One in particular stands out. Family of normal people, plus one older "gentle"man who was presumably married to one of the women. This guy... Was basically Richard Gilmore. If, of course, Richard Gilmore was not a fictional lovable character, and instead was a rich man with an east coast accent claiming to be from a wealthy suburb of San Diego. This guy was unreal. He complained about his hotels (fair enough, my state isn't known for it's 5 star resorts.) He complained because he likes to travel and stay in his hotel room and smoke cigars. He complained because he can see whales at his local beach. He complained because the cruise was non smoking. He complained that we had to share a table for lunch and lunch was just random sandwiches. He complained that he was in a beautiful place and no one was listening to him complain about the lack of accommodation for his "needs" - needs being fancy scotch and cigars. Damn, it. Look at the orcas that are breaching two feet away. Look at the glaciers. Look at the dolphins and the jellyfish and the sea lions and otters and the puffins and the scenery. I don't know why I thought "Richard Gilmore." Grandpa Gilmore is a nice person. This guy was nice and actually pleasant, just, I guess, demanding. Also, he had the same accent and cadence with his voice. But I digress. The other group of tourists tend to be Asian. Someone told me that Japanese people come to [my state] to try and conceive under the Northern Lights. I'm not sure I believe that. Regardless of the reason, we got a LOT of East Asian tourists. This is fine with me, as I find the winter outfits (coats, sometimes snowpants, usually boots) while I am running and sweating in tank tops and short shorts to be charming. I also like the girls who go on the nature cruises and terrify me with their snapchats/instagrams/selfies and lack of care with holding their devices over open water. The third group of tourists are the least annoying and that is the European Backpackers. I like these people because I never see them. They come in, they backpack in Denali, maybe climb a couple of mountains, they talk to us locals in bars and they have a great time. These people are the best. The worst tourists are the Americans who come here after reading a book about a guy who lived in an abandoned bus and died. They backpack to the bus, and about 50% of them need rescue. WHY? Why is a book/movie about some guy who was unprepared for the wilderness "speaking to you"? Why go on this pilgrimage? Why is this a thing? There are also the young Americans who come here, maybe backpack a little, go to the tourist places, and then have a nice story to tell to their friends. I like these guys/girls too. Mostly because I do not see them and only hear of them. I forgot about the crowd of Team in Training peeps who show up twice a year to run our marathons. I like these people, wish they wouldn't litter. And finally. This new group of tourists. We (Me and some friends) went backpacking. It's a popular trail. I had no expectations that I would be alone in the wilderness like so many times before. I was, however, surprised when we got to the "top" and found our desired campsite occupied by a village of tents. Matching tents. Tents that had a troop number printed on them. So we bucked up, said "whatever," and found a spot across the lake. In the morning we assessed the situation. The situation being that it rained all night and everything was still kind of wet. So instead of packing up and hiking through the pass, we decided to stay another night at the lake, boy scouts be damned, and do some day hikes. We hiked around a bit. I thought about swimming in the glacier fed lake (I always have this debate with myself. I love swimming and I can swim in cold water. I know better and I never swim in these ice water lakes.) We heard some of the boy scout troop talking about seeing a Grizzly. I perked up. After a while, one of the troop leaders asked us if we saw the grizzly. I said no, and asked them to point it out. We discussed where it was and one of the teenage boys passed me a pair of cheap binoculars. (Side note: I thought boy scouts stopped after jr high.) I looked and the SO used his camera to take a photo. First thought was "this isn't a bear." SO said "that bear has the skinniest legs I've ever seen." I said "Well, could it be a mountain goat?" I listed off the reasons that it was not a dall sheep. (Sheep stay in groups, goats are more solitary. Sheep suck, Goats are awesome. You know, strictly the facts.) I pointed out that it's white, and in south-central [my state], it's unlikely to see a polar bear. Everyone, include my SO tried to convince me it was a light brown. I rolled my eyes. They told me it's a bear. I asked where they were from, not rudely, of course. Although this recap makes me sound rude. They told me all about how they were a boy scout troop from.. somewhere. Virginia maybe? Carolina? Fuck if I know. They said they don't have bears. I told them that there are, in fact, black bears all the way from Michigan to Florida. They laughed and told me "not grizzly bears" (brown bears, I think, is a term only used in my region.) Eventually we wandered off. Later that day, we overheard a conversation. "ITS A DADDY BEAR! HE HAD SOME BABY BEARS IN THE CAVE AND THEY CAME OUT AND NOW THE DADDY BEAR IS BEING A DADDY!" um. I don't even know where to begin with that. For fun. When we got back to our tent, we looked at our map of the state park. The mountain that a large portion of adult chaperones and a handful of teens were staring at was called... .... wait for it... ,,, Goat Mountain. I uploaded some pictures. You can make your own choices as to what the white animal with skinny legs and a goat like disposition is. Also, I'm disappointed that the troop leader didn't seem to have any actual activities planned for these boys. For two days! At least plan a day hike, or self rescue class on the glacier or something. Don't just hiking a crowd of teenage boys a few miles from the road, set up camp, and leave them to their own devices for 2-3 days.
  11. HerNameIsBuffy

    And the chosen path was...

    how do I feel? im sure it's coming but I'm going to enjoy this for now. i haven't been this happy and at peace in a very long time. Won't last, but I'll enjoy it for now.
  12. HerNameIsBuffy

    This almost never happens...

    I've got a lot of problems, but they are usually a variation of my subset of usual problems and I can figure stuff out. I may get pissy about it, but I usually know what I'm should to do even if I don't want to. I'm not always right about the best course of action, but I'm usually sure I'm right at the time. Indecision has never been an issue for me. Until now. I have a huge decision to make and need to give an answer tomorrow. I've had 3+ weeks to over think it and I'm no closer to having the slightest idea of what I'm going to do. At this point wait until I am asked and be surprised by whatever I blurt out might be the way I go. In my life I honestly cannot recall a time where I was this lost. It's not a decision anyone can make for me, or believe me id have tossed it to someone else 3 weeks ago and told them to let me know how it lands. I'm at a major fork in the road of my life and I need to pick a path. Each path has very good reasons to choose it and equally good reasons to avoid it at all costs. One path has the potential to be okay or end badly...the other has the potential to be really great or be okay or end catastrophically. Part of me wants to stick with the safer option and try to convince myself I'm doing it because it's the smart thing to do and not out of fear of the unknown...which it totally is. But the other part of me wants the riskier option and trying to convince myself that it's the smart thing to do and not because I'm selfish and broken...which is also likely true. And although no one else can make the decision either way will deeply affect the people I love most. That's an added element of difficulty from hell. Because either choice could hurt them or be better for them, depending on variables I cannot know until I pick a path. Ive talked about with people I trust who know me (and I'm sure they're sick of hearing about it.) They listen and encouragie me to trust my gut and will support me no matter what. I tried doing that thing to trick myself into an answer by imaging someone I loved had the same issue. I'd listen and tell them to trust their gut and I'd support them no matter what. I wouldn't have advice. I tried doing that just blurting out an answer thing to try to get my subconscious to have a fucking opinion...but in truth what I really want is to take neither path. I want to sit at my metaphorical crossroads and refuse to move. But that's definitely not an option or this wouldn't be a dilemma at all. I can't live with myself if I make such a major decision based on a coin toss....but it's looking like more and more likely. How is it possible to not know what to do? I know people who live their lives in a state of indecision and if this is what it's like i have tremendous admiration that they can get through the day....this is all consuming. oh, btw "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" and "no risk, no reward" are contradictory idioms so not helpful at all.
  13. Once upon a time there was a girl who loved books. One day she discovered the magical invention called a library. She went there and lived in glorious bliss happily ever after. The END. I'm an avid reader. There isn't much I won't read. I'm trying to encourage myself to actively branch out though in what I read. Genres that I tend to gravitate to are crime, thrillers, fantasy and historical fiction. Sometimes I binge read my way through an author/section of the library/genre other times I take it slow. I can also sometimes be found reading 'free trash should-not-be-called-a-novel' from amazon on my kindle. This is usually after in my book-moodiness I haven't found a book that fits my mood/energy levels and thus need something completely mindless to sooth me. Next to libraries I think e-book readers are the next best invention. I can get in moods where I want to read but can't find the right book. I can open my kindle, browse through the first page of all my books (way too many!) and find one that works for me in that moment. It is bliss. Today I went to the library for the first time this year. It was recently upgraded and has been slightly rearranged. Things I like about it: they added more chairs it feels like there is a lot more room there is prudently a public toilet downstairs self check out! complete with really intuitive software/hardware (well except when it looked like I was meant to scan a barcode on my card that doesn't exist) it's not broken it doesn't look like it was made in the 90's (like most other libraries self check outs do) self check in! no more arguing with the librarian that you bought your book back 10 minutes ago increased limits I can now get out 7 books at a time! 7! 5 years ago that number was 3! Things that could have been done better: the toilet stinks. Either keep the door closed or make sure that gross toilet smell doesn’t happen there are no secret reading corner chairs. All of them are circled around tables and none are really out of the way lots of the information that was previously hanging up has gone. I would like there to be information about how many DVDs I can lend at a time above the dvd rack. Somewhere I would like to find information about how many books I can borrow at once without having to click through to the right place on a website The information that is there is scattered around randomly - I shouldn't have to use one particular desk to find out that I can get books from other libraries sent here, and how to do it. Either put it all together in a folder, or hang it on the wall in large, or put it on every desk they split up the fiction section into two or three parts (due to new layout) this needs to be signed in some way. Fiction doesn't end at Gabaldon the signage needs improving give us a floor map please give better signage that is actually visible/usable the new display rack sucks. I only saw it because I was looking for it for the love of all booklovers please have a theme books written by local/native/whatever you call them authors aren't marked. You cannot search for them. as a foreigner and second-language reader, I would love to know which books are actually written by local authors. I can't search for it in the catalog that I have found and there is no marking on the books to show they aren't translated (or rather are written by locals) some books have genre stickers, but the majority don't. Either do it, or don't, don't half-arse it I would prefer to have laminated cards of "you enjoyed this? try this author/these books" to look at than sticker they screwed up the non-fiction. they more than screwed it up. I have been hoping for two-ish years I would get used to the Dewey Demise - but no. and they just made this worse. the opening hours still suck. 4 hours is the largest amount of hours they are open in a day. But I did apply to go work there. My bitch about organization/loosing Dewey continues below but is hidden because WoT warning I really should mention that I do love my library, I find libraries great.
  14. I am always looking to spruce up my TBR list, and my goodreads/tumblr feeds, so I enjoy reading and following book blogs. However, I have trouble finding book blogs that aren't geared towards YA. I mean, it makes sense, because bloggers are most likely younger people, and young people love YA. I am not knocking YA or anything, but it gets tiresome when post after post features similar YA-fantasy type books. So I am turning to FJ! Anyone know of a book blogger they love?
  15. crazyforkate

    Bloggers

    I know we have an FJ personal blogs thread. Let's talk about blogging itself, though. How often do you update yours? Are they well-viewed? Any tips on writing, marketing or assorted blog things?
  16. lilith

    What is up with Maxwell blog?

    When I visit it I get this screen:
  17. PP has deigned to descend to the realm of Zsu's blog. Zsu posted an exposé about submission. Long story short she submits yet she doesn't, well sort of....... Anonymous replies: Zsuzsanna, you are an extremely strong willed woman. I can picture you putting your husband in his place any given moment of the day. I know that you are glade that he takes over once he gets home but you are definitely not someone to be ordered around. Well here is PP 'answers, apparantly he couldn't stomach anyone doubted his manhood: Anonymous, You may be able to "picture" my wife "putting me in my place any given moment of the day," but that scenario only exists in your imagination. As my wife explained in this post, and as I have often explained in my preaching, I give her a lot of freedom and don't feel the need to micromanage her. She is a very skillful homemaker; she is very frugal, wise, etc., so I don't waste my time second guessing her domestic decisions. You say that my wife is "definitely not someone to be ordered around," but I assure you, there are many times that I DO order her around, and she is very submissive and obedient. Although my wife is very humble in her disclaimer at the beginning of this post, the reality is that she definitely practices what she preaches in this area. In my opinion, Zsuzsa is the most amazing wife in the world because not only is she very competent, intelligent, skillful, opinionated, and energetic, but she is also extremely feminine, submissive, old-fashioned and obedient. The best of both worlds! Then on top of it all, she is stunningly beautiful! But what is even more attractive about her than her looks is her wifely submission. - Pastor Anderson
  18. Usually she posts a lot, especially at election time. We should have had multiple posts about how she doesn't vote because she is such a godly woman, but if she did vote she wouldn't vote for these baby killing, fag appeasing followers of false religions, and how the PP is so wise and is voting for some lunatic on the far right on behalf of the whole family, and if our headships were godly they would be voting for him too etc etc. But we haven't heard a peep, and the last few weeks have only produced a copy and paste from their incarcerated friend and a very standard update on baby Stephen. I know she has a new baby, but that is a regular occurrence for her and doesn't usually stop her blogging. It's just not like her to go this quiet, especially when there have been so many opportunities to court controversy, with elections and Sandy.
  19. Someone mentioned an insane commenter named sage in the thread about why Zsuzsanna and PP don't vote. Sage wrote a rambling, nonsensical rant accusing most presidents of being Masons and working towards a new world order. It's amazing how many conspiracy theories it works in. Well, I was looking at comments on the newest post - the one that quotes Doug Phillips - and sage commented there, too, with more wackadoodle political theories. She/he (not sure which) has also commented on the thread about the preacher that got accused of abuse, with much rambling about sin, and on the thread about organic food with a claim that the "satanic elites" are trying to reduce the population.This person needs to be blogging his/her brand of crazy! I would totally read it for the sheer entertainment value! I normally just read posts; I only checked out comments because of the other thread. Anyone here regularly read comments at Zsu's and know anything more about sage?
  20. Heather, the Mormon blogger from Paralyzed with Joy put a link up to a WSJ article on mocking religion and why it is ok for Mormons to be mocked, but not Muslims. The article she put brings up some good points. On her blog, Heather states that she wouldn't recommend that anyone see The Book of Mormon and that she feels that no religion should be mocked. She also puts up links to LDS website articles which talk about the Book of Mormon. I hate to say this, but some of her readers are going get turned off by Mormonism and if they do their research and come across sites like exmormon.org. It is interesting that Heather seems to be talking more about her religion. In some of her past blog posters, she has never said the words "Mormon" or "LDS". She would say stuff like "my church is based in Salt Lake City" or "we watched the General Conference". There were a lot of hints that she is Mormon because she just wouldn't come out and say it directly on the blog. paralyzedwithjoy.blogspot.com/2012/09/double-standard.html http://online.wsj.com/article/SB1000087 ... 1481237582
  21. OkToBeTakei

    Dear Zsu

    I have nothing. Maybe tomorrow.
  22. Ya'll seem to be spending a lot of time at our little den of inequity aka The Hive. I'm sure you just come here for the gay porn and vagina cupcakes, but why not cowboy up and post a bit? It's not like you run off rending your clothing asking your lord and savior to forgive you for reading some of our more graphic posts, you all must be getting off on what we contribute here. I hope while you are visiting your read some threads about contraception, marriage equality and the diet your idol feeds her unwashed children.But as long as you have her ear, let ZsuZsu know we're really hoping the Rev Steve has the money to buy a van so his whole family can safely and legally ride together to church in one unit. TTFN
  23. ]I found a simpsons screenshot blog through FJ one day -- accidentally, as I was on a duggar fundie tumblr screenshot blog. I saved a few screencaps, can anybody identify the source? I would love to go there again [attachment=1]tumblr_m5cv8cvrEI1rvs1mmo2_500.jpg[/attachment] [attachment=0]tumblr_m3z3i6ehDi1rvs1mmo1_500.jpg[/attachment]
  24. I know we’ve discussed Zsu’s fangirl Jessi here before (countingitalljoy-jessi.blogspot.com ), but today I actually took the time to read several of her posts. I was scrolling through her blog (she left a comment for the Zsu-ster and I clicked over) and her crazy really started to make me worry. Like any good Christian, she has the list of products with “aborted baby cells in them.†She seems afraid of everything and everyone who is not exactly like her and that must be a sad way to live your life. She also has this gem up about television: For the sake of whatever government peon has to watch my digital box, I hope that’s not true! I’m watching the Olympics in my undies while having a glass of tea and nobody needs to be subjected to that. If she was keeping her crazy to herself that would be one thing, but she and the hubs are looking to adopt a whole passel of kiddos at once. countingitalljoy-jessi.blogspot.com/2012/07/our-adoption-progress.html Her apparent complete lack of understanding about the adoption process may hinder her from adopting. At least we can hope so…. **I looked and couldn’t find a post about her except for mentioning a single post or a comment she made to Zsu, but if this tread already exists, then sorry.
  25. You know, having babies with a loving and devoted Dad is really fun. It builds and strengthens a marriage. So why stop? No it doesn't, unless your marriage is loving and solid to begin with. Most parents would agree that they could not imagine life without any single one of their children. The loss of a child is probably the greatest grief a parent could ever have to endure. So why, why, why do people willingly sign up for such a loss? Yes I can still vividly remember how empathetic you reacted to the death of my youngest son. http://stevenandersonfamily.blogspot.nl ... ekend.html I am sorry to hear you are on SSRIs. I have translated many medical articles about them, and oh, what nasty stuff. If you neither believe in God nor a hereafter, why do you have such a hard time coping with the loss of your child? According to your beliefs, he was nothing but a bunch of random molecules making up a physical body, without anything intangible such as a soul or spirit. According to you, he simply ceased to exist. I am terribly sorry for your loss, because I KNOW that death is NOT the end. Why go to great lengths and spend money to withhold such blessings? Do parents really think any subsequent children would be loved and cherished less? People have their own personal reasons to have the 'chosen' amount of children (or none), you don't know anything about it. In the sixties we had a very enlightened catholic bishop in the Netherlands, who said on national telly, that the amount of children is the responsibility of the couple involved. The next day, there was a real stampede of catholic mothers who ran to their GP for contraceptives. Finally, finally they could enjoy their sex life without being afraid of yet another child with the fatigue, poverty, and you name the misery as the consequences this entailed. That once we had them, we would miss them less if we were to lose them? Statistically, there is a great chance one of them is homosexual, you vehemently stated this equals serial killing, so you would reject that child. Honestly? You immediately stop loving that particular child? Ever heard of unconditional love? Obviously not. You are 33 years old and you have no clue what life will bring to you. I don't wish you any harm, I don't hate you, hate is a strong emotion and you are not worth it, the best I can do is some sort of commiseration. You sunk this far and there is obviously no point of return, as long as you stay married with this borderline and theomanical husband and I am afraid you have no choice dear Zsu there is no hope for you.
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