I truly do not know some days what I am supposed to believe anymore.

I believe in God, and I believe that Jesus is the only way to God, which will probaby get me into trouble with certain people.

But people can, have, and do use the name of Jesus to lie, to manipulate, and to exploit.  I've been there.  

People use the Bible to "prove" that they are right about everything. 

I am supposed to support immigrants and open borders .  . . Or I am supposed to support border security.  

I am supposed to support women in ministry . . .  Or I am supposed to follow the versesthat say "women can't preach"

I don't dare post this onFB because I don't want to get into an argument with people there.  But even here, I'm afraid of coming off as too conservative or too fundy.  

And it just seems that to know what the Bible really says, I have to do university-level study.  And I am just too overwhelmed at the moment to do it.  

News these days is fake.  I don't know what fact-checking sites to believe. And even when I share fact checks, there are the people that scream that "they're liberal and they're biased!"  All news seems biased and I don't know who's telling the truth.

"Think for yourself" carries the undercurrent of "as long as you come to the same conclusions I do".  

"Let love lead" translates into "you don't love me if you call me out on my behavior, so you have to agree with everything I do/say."

There's no one I can really tell everything to, except for God.  There's some subjects I don't want to delve into even with my BFF even though she's assure me that I won't lose her friendship.  

It has become exhausting just trying to live from day to day at times.  I don't know who to trust.  And the day in, day out of living is just exhausting.  I have to do work for pay this afternoon.  I can't keep the house clean.  I'm trying to write and I'm stalled.  I'm 55 and running out of time to write everything I want to.  I have a son with a disability that needs to be provided for and the mechanisms of doing so are just plain overwhelming.  And the longer I put stuff off, the harder it's going to be for him.  My husband talks about "We" doing this stuff, but it usuall ends up being "me" because I'm the one with the time to do it.

And I haven't done any sewing or knitting or crocheting in months.