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Salty Memoirs of FinnLassie

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My Eldest Sister Doesn't Care About Me

finnlassie

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I cannot remember a single time she's apologised in the past five years. Actually, I can't remember a single time in the past 10 or more years. Sure, I've had a couple of Sorry, IF I haves, but those mean nothing. In the end, those have always turned the blame to the person calling her out. NarcSister has also not comforted me or said words of encouragement in... yeah, at least the past ten years. It's always been discouragement. Te It's always been about reminding us others how we owe her things. We owe her explanations, we owe her favours, we owe her every minute of our lives. We owe her the glory, the access for her to brag about us, her sisters, as if we're her trophies. When our parents divorced, I was barely a teenager. Instead of comforting me, she spewed me all of her sorrows and how horrible our parents are, when we were supposed to just have a sisters movie night. She has literally thrown herself on the sofa crying like a toddler when we've not done her way.

I really, really tried to call out her behaviour a couple of years ago. How demanding she is. How she doesn't give space. She turned that against me. That she must be oh so horrible (I mean, she is) that she doesn't deserve my time. And then went on demanding me to give examples of when she's been demanding. She was demanding examples of when she's not given space. NarcSister demanded me to give her explanations. And all I wanted to say was "right now. right now is enough of an example", but I kept my mouth shut. I'm not sure if I did right or wrong. I feel sad that I don't stand up against her. Especially when she uses her children, my dear nephews as weapons, as if they're objects she can blackmail us with.

I hate that our mother enables everything. She always has excuses. "Oh, she's always been so strong willed. Oh, NarcSister is such a passionate person! But she's really changed! She's getting better and better! You need to accept that she isn't perfect!" ... well, perhaps in your eyes. But she keeps on playing her abusive game to us, her sisters, and our dad, who she's abused the most.

I hate that I'm already scared about my wedding day, even though I'm not even engaged. I get so much anxiety. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle. But I also don't want my NarcSister's face to look like she just sucked a thousand lemons, huffing and puffing. That's what she did at my graduation celebration. She made the whole day about herself and her angst.

I wonder if she realises that our SaneSister (middle child) has completely cut ties with her because she's so obnoxious. How she's never let her live her own life. How NarcSister has made it all about herself. How she keeps sending harrassing emails and text messages, using our nephews as weapons, trying to lure her into responding.

NarcSister is currently whacking the last nails on her coffin. Soon, if this continues, I'll be gone too. I wrote this because yesterday she violated my privacy by tagging me and posting my real name on Instagram (my SaneSister too). I have ALWAYS kept my family relations away from ALL social media, for my safety, and other people's safety too as our family has history with a hostile stalker. But instead of being normal and saying "oh, sorry, I'll do that" she went on a rant how she didn't know our relationship is a secret and how I should inform in my profile how no one is allowed to tag me. Well, my friends are allowed to tag me, BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS ASK. Because they respect me. Because they show me unconditional love.

My positive take on this? Even though I have to stand my NarcSister, I've learnt to defend myself. I've learnt to protect myself. I've learnt that I don't owe her things, and I'm mostly able to reject her demands. Slowly, I'm getting stronger.

-- finnlassie --

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Gobsmacked

Posted

My younger sister is a Narcsister. I know exactly how you feel. I haven't spoken to her for almost a year since she made my Mums funeral all about her and upset my Dad.  It's very difficult having to say nothing just to keep the peace. I've done it for a good 20 years or so. No more. A great weight has lifted off my shoulders. 

I'm rooting for you. 

 

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finnlassie

Posted

7 hours ago, Gobsmacked said:

My younger sister is a Narcsister. I know exactly how you feel. I haven't spoken to her for almost a year since she made my Mums funeral all about her and upset my Dad.  It's very difficult having to say nothing just to keep the peace. I've done it for a good 20 years or so. No more. A great weight has lifted off my shoulders.  

I'm rooting for you. 

 

Thank you. Sending lots of strength your way! You're free to PM me if you need to rant. I'm currently in the process of learning to simply grey rock her.

It's insane how everything has to be about them - even events that are far from belonging to them. I've already made a decision about my possible future wedding. I will not allow any surprise speeches. Before the wedding, we'll ask and choose certain people that we'd like to speak. That'll shut her the hell up.

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clueliss

Posted

I want to thank both of you for making me appreciate my sister who doesn't speak to me - who I had to hunt down when my mom began failing and who let me shoulder the whole 4-5 year journey of my mom's dementia and associated care etc alone.  

Hugs to all with wonky family issues.

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