If Gary knows about the Facebook fast, he's not observing it.
I'm going back to listen to the revival services I missed. Tuesday evening's video begins with pre-service chit-chat still going on, and small children squirming and rolling around on the furniture.
After a prayer (Gary mumbles to Jesus), they sing Love Lifted Me, sounding like rough sailors belting out a sea chanty, then Jesus Keep Me Near the Cross. Two kids come up to sing, and the pastor makes sure that one of them knows they sing Bullfrogs and Butterflies because they are born again, not just because he caught a big bullfrog that day.
The Hawkins family sings Thank God I Am Free, God is Still Good, then Becky introduces It's Under the Blood by saying she's so glad her sins are - you guessed it - under the blood.
Gary says they probably have enough leftovers from tonight for dinner tomorrow night's fellowshipping. He says they got flyers made at the "liberry" because it's cheaper. He says it cost $25 to get 100 flyers made, and asks them to give money for it right then and there, sending kids to pick up the money from people who call out that they have some. He acts like an auctioneer, even asking who wants to make the first bid.
Gary says he's going to try not to be mean tonight, but it's hard for him. He tells them that somebody ("and don't worry 'bout who it was") "come to me last night and tryin' to think ah was mistreatin' animals. Ah don't do that."
I was just thinking "maybe not, but you make stupid jokes about it," when Gary went on to remind them that his animal won't come between him and God.
No, Gary - you won't let animals, people, and even their most desperate needs come between you and even one day of going to church. That's different, and not remotely admirable. It's more like an addiction than faith.
Gary goes on "If you wanna know, if you wanna know 'bout people doin' stuff lahk this, all ya gotta do is read Romans chapter 1, read the whole chapter, and it'll show just zackly what people think of their pets. Amen?"
I'm pretty sure he's talking about bestiality, folks, which is often the interpretation of Romans 1:26 (thank you, Reverend Google). good old Gary, no middle ground, no subtlety.
Gary, I have loved many an animal in my life, and I never had a moment's thought of having sex with any of them. Would you like to explain why you don't see any middle ground between "throw the dead dog in a ditch - church starts in 15 minutes" and "let's fuck Fido?"
Anyway, lest I see a dead parrot at the bottom of this post, I shall move on.
Gary's only reading one short verse to begin tonight's message:
KJV: A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.
Bro Gary Version: A merry heart doeth good like a madison: but a broken spirit is a is a drah bone. Is a drah - a broken spirit is a drah - drieth the bone.
The theme is Let's Get Happy. Oh, Gary, will you appear from behind a curtain, miraculously thinner than you were just a second ago, in tights, jacket and fedora? Please? Oooh, with the chorus boys, too!
Gary tells his story about the 8-hour (Becky: "5-hour") energy drinks, when he idiotically drank two at once. Now he's high on Jesus - that and laughter are the best "madison."
Lots of other familiar old Garycrap follows - I'm skipping the FOG stuff to save time tonight.
"We ought to be medicated up on Jesus."
To someone in the congregation: "You kin put your hand down, buddy, ah don't answer questions, ah'm here preachin' amen? _____ (unintelligible) answer questions after a while."
Another short verse - should be easy, right?
KJV: Notwithstanding in this rejoice not, that the spirits are subject unto you; but rather rejoice, because your names are written in heaven.
BGV: Notwithstanding in the ret rejoice - notwithstanding in this rejoicing not, that the spirit are subject unto you; but rather rejoice, because your name's written in the - (he freezes, and someone automatically calls out "Lamb's book of life") written in . . . or written in . . . heaven.
Gary says he has to get "preparated" to preach.
Some of this is actually correct.
"Some people have to take depression peeyuls to keep from bein' depressed - ah just have to take Jesus."
KJV: Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises:
BGJ: Wherebaaaaah oh - are given unto us excellent - exceedingly in great and precious promises:
Gary says Jacob gave a flier to someone in WhataBurger. He says the name of the business three times, and pronounces it WaterBurger. Sounds slimming, but sloppy.
When Gary gets into his rant about how "they" are going to close the churches, he says they'd better "memorize up" all the Bible they can, because they are going to take your Bible away.
A voice (sounds like a teen boy) says "They ain't takin' mah bahble away."
Gary: "Oh, they will."
Kid: "'til they put me in the ground."
Great - another fanatic in the making, ready to see oppression where there is none.
The governors are back on his shoulders again. I don't think Gary really planned to read two verses there, and the second one comes out very garbled, with a real "WTF have I gotten myself into" feeling.
This is when he makes the statement that his "secret admirer" questioned - that Donald Trump achieved a lot while president.
"If the Lord tarries His comin' and we come back in 2022, and the Democrats are in office, passing these fliers out probably will be illegal."
Gary says it would be great, "it would be O-A-K" if the Lord came back this Sunday.
Gary doesn't want you to go to Hell. "Hell's a reality place."
Walmarts now has robots cleaning the floors. "That's what's comin' for America."
Ooooh, scary. 🤖
"Becky come to the piana," and, as the video cuts off, Gary is being defensive about why he always has an altar call.