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At war with myself


HerNameIsBuffy

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I keep telling myself no good will come of getting anxious and vomiting the night before an interview.  Plenty of time for that in the morning.

Apparently I disagree, as every reason for ever rejection in my life is on a recursive loop in my head broken up only by analyzing my multitude of failures one by one in great detail.

I don't know why I am putting this out there in a place it can't be deleted, but I do it consciously.  Maybe someday the people who love me will someday read it and understand.  I've tried to explain, but they don't get it.

I have more love and help than I deserve but on a fundamentally emotional level I am completely alone.  

I just got through feeding the dogs and cats, started dinner ... I sauted beef and onions, started the sauce, put water on to boil for the cremettes ... wiped my counters and washed the dishes.

I am functioning but I don't know how.  I don't feel functional on even the most basic level, but my outer self keeps going through the motions.  Yesterday I spent hours washing the floors, did lots of laundry, listened to podcasts ...

But half the time at the end of the cast I don't know what I heard.  I'm on autopiolot.

At the very core of my being, my true self, is fear.  I am made of nothing but fear.

I am afraid of the anxiety which will only increase until my interview.  I am afraid of the panic and despair that will come with rejection. I am afraid of the massive anxiety if I am hired.

I need this job,  I want them to hire me.  But I don't kid myself ... I can feel the Pandora's box of additional anxieties just waiting to burst open if get the opportunity to fail on a bigger scale.

Beyond the fear I am just acutely, painfully aware of how very alone I am in the world.  I have spent the last several months accepting that.  

And I do.  Accept it.  But accepting it doesn't mean I know what to do now.

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Kailash

Posted

I’m sending you hugs if you want them. I deal with anxiety and depression in my life and it’s never easy. I have heard that it is possible to rewire your brain though. Like instead of negative thoughts, repeating positive things can actually change your brain. 

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/5-ways-to-rewire-your-brain-for-meaningful-life-changes--11762 

It looks like there a several different books available on the subject. 

I wish the very best for you. ❤️

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HerNameIsBuffy

Posted

I think it went well ... but Idk.  I won't know until I hear.

Huge relief that it's over but dealing with the physical aftermath of so much anxiety.

Thanks so much - you asking about it made me feel so much better.

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Kailash

Posted

Ugh. Anxiety hangover. Not fun. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you hear some good news from them soon. 

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wild little fox

Posted

You're so brave. You did an amazing thing by not giving in and pushing through. That's so hard. I advse doing something really nice for yourself. ❤️

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HerNameIsBuffy

Posted

2 minutes ago, wild little fox said:

You're so brave. You did an amazing thing by not giving in and pushing through. That's so hard. I advse doing something really nice for yourself. ❤️

I wish I could heart this as well as thank you on the response :)

 

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