I keep telling myself no good will come of getting anxious and vomiting the night before an interview.  Plenty of time for that in the morning.

Apparently I disagree, as every reason for ever rejection in my life is on a recursive loop in my head broken up only by analyzing my multitude of failures one by one in great detail.

I don't know why I am putting this out there in a place it can't be deleted, but I do it consciously.  Maybe someday the people who love me will someday read it and understand.  I've tried to explain, but they don't get it.

I have more love and help than I deserve but on a fundamentally emotional level I am completely alone.  

I just got through feeding the dogs and cats, started dinner ... I sauted beef and onions, started the sauce, put water on to boil for the cremettes ... wiped my counters and washed the dishes.

I am functioning but I don't know how.  I don't feel functional on even the most basic level, but my outer self keeps going through the motions.  Yesterday I spent hours washing the floors, did lots of laundry, listened to podcasts ...

But half the time at the end of the cast I don't know what I heard.  I'm on autopiolot.

At the very core of my being, my true self, is fear.  I am made of nothing but fear.

I am afraid of the anxiety which will only increase until my interview.  I am afraid of the panic and despair that will come with rejection. I am afraid of the massive anxiety if I am hired.

I need this job,  I want them to hire me.  But I don't kid myself ... I can feel the Pandora's box of additional anxieties just waiting to burst open if get the opportunity to fail on a bigger scale.

Beyond the fear I am just acutely, painfully aware of how very alone I am in the world.  I have spent the last several months accepting that.  

And I do.  Accept it.  But accepting it doesn't mean I know what to do now.