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At war with myself


HerNameIsBuffy

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I keep telling myself no good will come of getting anxious and vomiting the night before an interview.  Plenty of time for that in the morning.

Apparently I disagree, as every reason for ever rejection in my life is on a recursive loop in my head broken up only by analyzing my multitude of failures one by one in great detail.

I don't know why I am putting this out there in a place it can't be deleted, but I do it consciously.  Maybe someday the people who love me will someday read it and understand.  I've tried to explain, but they don't get it.

I have more love and help than I deserve but on a fundamentally emotional level I am completely alone.  

I just got through feeding the dogs and cats, started dinner ... I sauted beef and onions, started the sauce, put water on to boil for the cremettes ... wiped my counters and washed the dishes.

I am functioning but I don't know how.  I don't feel functional on even the most basic level, but my outer self keeps going through the motions.  Yesterday I spent hours washing the floors, did lots of laundry, listened to podcasts ...

But half the time at the end of the cast I don't know what I heard.  I'm on autopiolot.

At the very core of my being, my true self, is fear.  I am made of nothing but fear.

I am afraid of the anxiety which will only increase until my interview.  I am afraid of the panic and despair that will come with rejection. I am afraid of the massive anxiety if I am hired.

I need this job,  I want them to hire me.  But I don't kid myself ... I can feel the Pandora's box of additional anxieties just waiting to burst open if get the opportunity to fail on a bigger scale.

Beyond the fear I am just acutely, painfully aware of how very alone I am in the world.  I have spent the last several months accepting that.  

And I do.  Accept it.  But accepting it doesn't mean I know what to do now.

  • Love 8

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Kailash

Posted

I’m sending you hugs if you want them. I deal with anxiety and depression in my life and it’s never easy. I have heard that it is possible to rewire your brain though. Like instead of negative thoughts, repeating positive things can actually change your brain. 

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/5-ways-to-rewire-your-brain-for-meaningful-life-changes--11762 

It looks like there a several different books available on the subject. 

I wish the very best for you. ❤️

  • Love 2
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HerNameIsBuffy

Posted

I think it went well ... but Idk.  I won't know until I hear.

Huge relief that it's over but dealing with the physical aftermath of so much anxiety.

Thanks so much - you asking about it made me feel so much better.

  • Upvote 1
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Kailash

Posted

Ugh. Anxiety hangover. Not fun. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you hear some good news from them soon. 

  • Love 3
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wild little fox

Posted

You're so brave. You did an amazing thing by not giving in and pushing through. That's so hard. I advse doing something really nice for yourself. ❤️

  • I Agree 2
  • Thank You 1
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HerNameIsBuffy

Posted

2 minutes ago, wild little fox said:

You're so brave. You did an amazing thing by not giving in and pushing through. That's so hard. I advse doing something really nice for yourself. ❤️

I wish I could heart this as well as thank you on the response :)

 

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  • Posts

    • postscript

      Posted

      1 hour ago, Jasmar said:

      Fuck. You.

      (eta: not you @thoughtful 😘)

      Says the former-Christian with decades-long, treatment-resistant depression

      (And hey Gar, how about you take your own self back into the pitsa Hell whence you came)

      I’ll second that fuck you (aimed at Gary, of course). Depression, anxiety and I are old friends. Prayer is but one of many treatments that doesn’t help. I’m sure if Becky suffered from depression, Gary would just tell her to get over it. 

      I’m shocked he’s coming back to Michigan in November. He could very well run into snow. I look forward to hearing him whine about the weather. 

      Yet another vehicle repair. Color me not surprised. I agree with @Black Aliss that these donated vehicles are probably all one step away from the junk heap. 

    • danvillebelle

      Posted

      BEC because I'm in a bitchy mood: this past Sunday pic is one of the most unflattering of Braggie I've ever seen.  That dress is NOT doing her any favors; her boobs look smashed and the huge print doesn't suit her.  And she's wearing the hairstyle (if you can call it that) that makes her head look 10 miles long.  And the company she bought (or was probably gifted for IG exposure) the dresses from is run by Mormons.  Tsk tsk Braggie, your hypocrisy is showing again. :naughty:

    • thoughtful

      Posted (edited)

      The 6/6 evening service at Walker Bible Baptist Church in Lansing MI begins with the guitar trio again, playing The Family of God again.

      Pastor Garver (aka Brother David) tells them his wife is now the "producer" of their service videos, and milks them for some applause for her, then says "she alright for a white girl, I'm tellin' ya, she's not bad at all." :wtf:

      He says the credits will list him as "extremely handsome pastor."

      Gary moans through the prayer, and the pastor announces that Gary will be coming back next June and they will be having a camp meeting under the tent. After some salvation-blather, he reminds them that Gary, the missionary coming to visit next week, and the parsonage project all need money.

      But only if God puts it on their hearts.

      The teens with the guitars sing a song I couldn't find anywhere, about how they can't wait until Sunday, because church. Then all sing At Calvary. The Hawkinses sing something - I fast forward.

      Pastor reminds them of Gary's need for $5000 for his truck before the offering.

      After the offering, the pastor tells them to "love on sister," meaning Becky, "livin' on the road's not easy, and she's also outnumbered in the house, so that can't make it to easy either."

      Becky says "No. I miss my girls."

      Gary comes up, and talks about his plans to come back. He may also see them in November, because he will be coming to Michigan for another church. He says the only thing he doesn't like about coming there in November is that "y'all could have snow," and some wag warns him "No cussin' in church," just in case.

      After his thank-yous, Gary announces a verse. It's very short - Proverbs 25:25: As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country.

      With the help of the Lord, Gary wants to preach There is Good News.

      He does several minutes, of course, about how there is no good news from the TV, Facebook, radio, etc. It's from the pulpit - sometimes.

      Gary mentions the three heavens - I never heard him talk about that before.

      https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A16&version=KJV

      Gary has a comforter, and he tells them about how Brother McFadden is comforted. Some vague Becky-bashing follows.

      https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+5%3A8&version=KJV

      Jesus loves Gary, and Gary can't figure out why, because he knows he doesn't deserve it.

      While talking about all of the things God gave him recently (that actually came from other people, of course), Gary tells us that, yesterday, God let him walk about a mile and a half from where his vehicle was broken down, and walk back with the part he needed.

      Yes, the van broke down yet again.

      https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+15%3A57&version=KJV

      Gary's on the winning side. Screaming about this, back and forth, ensues.

      "Joe Bahden's a loser." Gary's not talking about the election, he's talking about  not being saved.

      He talks about Mrs. McFadden's great death again, and the preacher who fell over dead just after putting his money in the collection plate.

      Gary reads Hebrews 13:14 - well, sort of.

      KJV: For here have we no continuing city, but we seek one to come.
      BGV: For here we - for here we have continuing cities, but we seek one to come.

      Somebody in the congregation beats Gary to the punch, and yells out "I'm looking for that city!" just before Gary starts to say it, so they overlap like a weird mindless-preaching round.

      Gary does his Heaven schtick.

      https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+john+1%3A9&version=KJV

      While yammering on about how forgiving God is, Gary tells them that sometimes he messes up and says something backwards or wrong, and Becky and Jacob always point it out to him later. He says "Well, you go up there an' trah it and see how it works out for you."

      https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+john+5%3A13&version=KJV

      Lots of shrieking back and forth about not being able to lose your salvation.  And, of course, the story about the Wesleyan teens who told Gary he could lose it if he died in the middle of a bad dream.

      https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+20%3A10&version=KJV

      He stumbles through this, messing up almost every word.

      "Out of all the people ah know, ah hate the devil." Gary screams about the devil for a while.

      "The blood. The devil hates the word blood."

      https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts++16%3A31&version=KJV

      Gary babbles to the end.

       

      Edited by thoughtful
      riffles
      • Thank You 2
    • JermajestyDuggar

      Posted

      I feel bad for Elizabeth. She’s only a teen and has to be the new family blogger and probably a bunch of other work on top of it. 

      • Upvote 2
    • ElizaB

      Posted

      Eh... I wouldn't read to much into that.The Bonts are not good posters and things often are posted late -especially with Chelsy gone (who was the main blogger). 

      • Upvote 1


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