I keep telling myself no good will come of getting anxious and vomiting the night before an interview. Plenty of time for that in the morning.
Apparently I disagree, as every reason for ever rejection in my life is on a recursive loop in my head broken up only by analyzing my multitude of failures one by one in great detail.
I don't know why I am putting this out there in a place it can't be deleted, but I do it consciously. Maybe someday the people who love me will someday read it and understand. I've tried to explain, but they don't get it.
I have more love and help than I deserve but on a fundamentally emotional level I am completely alone.
I just got through feeding the dogs and cats, started dinner ... I sauted beef and onions, started the sauce, put water on to boil for the cremettes ... wiped my counters and washed the dishes.
I am functioning but I don't know how. I don't feel functional on even the most basic level, but my outer self keeps going through the motions. Yesterday I spent hours washing the floors, did lots of laundry, listened to podcasts ...
But half the time at the end of the cast I don't know what I heard. I'm on autopiolot.
At the very core of my being, my true self, is fear. I am made of nothing but fear.
I am afraid of the anxiety which will only increase until my interview. I am afraid of the panic and despair that will come with rejection. I am afraid of the massive anxiety if I am hired.
I need this job, I want them to hire me. But I don't kid myself ... I can feel the Pandora's box of additional anxieties just waiting to burst open if get the opportunity to fail on a bigger scale.
Beyond the fear I am just acutely, painfully aware of how very alone I am in the world. I have spent the last several months accepting that.
And I do. Accept it. But accepting it doesn't mean I know what to do now.