I hate flooding the blog list with consecutive posts, but I need to purge a little and I don't want to put it in a thread where people may feel obligated to respond.
I've always been pretty good at self-soothing, and still am sometimes...but other times like tonight nothing works.
Hormones are attacking my brain...had long ugly cry and through part of it i wasn't even upset...so weird. And couldn't shake the crappy feeling so I gathered together my comfort things, set up my nightstand with everything I need in my pink basket...I know it sounds silly but the act of getting ready to comfort myself is comforting in and of itself.
It wasn't this time.
I am now in bed, under my favorite covers....snuggled next to the two most cuddly dogs in the world...watching some cool vids of Great British Ghosts. I have some juice and am slathered in moisturizer, my hair freshly brushed. The window cracked open making the room the perfect kind of chilly.
It's not helping.
All my failures (and there are many) keep running through my head on a loop, punctuated only by those who I have loved but lost...and all the ways I failed them.
There is no point in trying to make sense of it or address it...it's as if my hormones found a key to the self-loathing room in my mind-palace and unleashed all the fucking demons I keep locked in there. All I can do it ride it out.
I keep remembering the part of a video I saw where it said anxiety is an experience people go through, it's not who they are. It will end, it always does.
I don't have panic attacks...I don't have the severe reactions, I just feel like shit. Like I'll never be able to turn off the negative loop in my head...and my body hurts all of a sudden. I'm achy all over and I wasn't before - I know it's some kind of physiological response to stress.
I am typing because it helps. Putting it in black and white takes some of the power away from my nagging thoughts.
A kitty joined us on the bed. If just the other cat would hop up we'd hit our cuteness quotient.
I am acutely aware of how soft my blanket is and how deeply big dog is breathing. My boys in their rooms down the hall...sound asleep. Healthy and safe...focusing on my gratitude for having truly wonderful kids who...so proud of them. I'm lucky...three for three I don't just love them, I like them as people. A lot.
I'll get through this but I swear sometimes this feels less like a life change than a life hijacking.