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Self Soothe Fail


HerNameIsBuffy

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I hate flooding the blog list with consecutive posts, but I need to purge a little and I don't want to put it in a thread where people may feel obligated to respond.

I've always been pretty good at self-soothing, and still am sometimes...but other times like tonight nothing works.

Hormones are attacking my brain...had long ugly cry and through part of it i wasn't even upset...so weird.  And couldn't shake the crappy feeling so I gathered together my comfort things, set up my nightstand with everything I need in my pink basket...I know it sounds silly but the act of getting ready to comfort myself is comforting in and of itself.

It wasn't this time.  

I am now in bed, under my favorite covers....snuggled next to the two most cuddly dogs in the world...watching some cool vids of Great British Ghosts.  I have some juice and am slathered in moisturizer, my hair freshly brushed.  The window cracked open making the room the perfect kind of chilly.

It's not helping. 

All my failures (and there are many) keep running through my head on a loop, punctuated only by those who I have loved but lost...and all the ways I failed them.  

There is no point in trying to make sense of it or address it...it's as if my hormones found a key to the self-loathing room in my mind-palace and unleashed all the fucking demons I keep locked in there.  All I can do it ride it out.

I keep remembering the part of a video I saw where it said anxiety is an experience people go through, it's not who they are.  It will end, it always does.

I don't have panic attacks...I don't have the severe reactions, I just feel like shit.  Like I'll never be able to turn off the negative loop in my head...and my body hurts all of a sudden.  I'm achy all over and I wasn't before - I know it's some kind of physiological response to stress.  

I am typing because it helps.  Putting it in black and white takes some of the power away from my nagging thoughts.

A kitty joined us on the bed.  If just the other cat would hop up we'd hit our cuteness quotient.

I am acutely aware of how soft my blanket is and how deeply big dog is breathing.   My boys in their rooms down the hall...sound asleep.  Healthy and safe...focusing on my gratitude for having truly wonderful kids who...so proud of them.  I'm lucky...three for three I don't just love them, I like them as people.  A lot.

I'll get through this but I swear sometimes this feels less like a life change than a life hijacking.

 

 

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  • Posts

    • AliceInFundyland

      Posted

      3 hours ago, CyborgKin said:

      I've seen an idea floating through the twittersphere and tabloids that alleges that 'Anna thinks Biden is behind all this', but I haven't seen any actual source for this rumour and it's just something people keep quoting without checking that it's real.  Does anyone know where this idea got started?  Is this some woacb nonsense?

      I'm most amused that you got @PennySycamore

      to use such strong sentiments. 🤣

      Not that I disagree.

    • hoipolloi

      Posted

      46 minutes ago, AnnaSofia said:

      I could possibly see them challenging Geoff's leadership if they're not depending on T.Rex for anyone's livelihood.

      I agree. Surprised that Lucas isn't an elder yet, or at least a deacon.

    • 10 hours ago, Jinder Roles said:

      After listening to the podcast (which I believe is legit or else this Justin guy deserves an award) is that Josh really knows his way around a computer and has for a minute. 

      Justin sees Josh's passwords as reflecting comfort rather than being unintelligent. He compares it to forgetting to lock a car door because you feel safe where you are. He thinks Josh has been doing this for a long time. 

      That's scary to think about. 

      I really appreciate the podcast for highlighting the toxic structures of fundamentalist and conservative Christianity. These environments harbour all kinds of abuse and isms (sexism, racism, fatphobia, ableism, xenophobia etc). 

      This^^^^

      What really stuck with me after listening to the 1st episode, was all that talk about "Satan attacking". Justin (and his wife) explained in great lengths the fundie-mindset that might have been prevalent in Josh, JB, and others in the church, when Josh was disciplined for his "porn-problem" (more likely the molestations). 

      Justin explains, that due to Josh being the golden child, and "reeking of destiny" (as he put it), this "Satan attack" will most likely have been viewed as some distinction or a "badge of honour". Meaning, that the attack (and the "serverity" of it) shows Josh being "chosen" for a "greater destiny", so Satan considers him 'important' enough to severely attack him (and thus God's plans with Josh). This will most likely have been also prevalent in Josh's thinking. So the church discipline in this context was yet another "distinction", and I think it's quite possible that this train of thought might have helped him to get through this. This also explains to me why nothing changed afterwards and Josh just carried on as he did before and got deeper and deeper into the quagmire. When "being under attack" is not your fault, there's no reason to change your behaviour, right?

      To me this again shows the degree of mental gymnastics that are happening in those circles in order to ward off cognitive dissonances or doubts or whatever.

      It also shows that "personal responsibilty" for your actions is not a concept that is held high in those circles. Everything and anything is externalized and pinned either on God (the good stuff, but also God 'testing' you) or Satan (attack, temptation). Having grown up in a fundie environment myself I kind of know this mechanism to a lesser degree out of my own experience. It was only by externalizing all that stuff, esp. the undesirable stuff, that made the pressure of having to be 'perfect' somewhat bearable.

      This is not to defend Josh and his actions, it's rather an attempt to look behind the surface and find some possible answers to "how could this happen?" and "why did this end up (had to end up?) in such a mess?"

      • Upvote 1
    • AnnaSofia

      Posted

      Yeah, the Tuckers seem to be second in command.

      At one point, I think at least two of Jonathan Tucker's kids, David, and Alicia, worked for T.Rex Arms. I'm pretty sure Alicia left awhile ago, and looking at LinkedIn, it seems David did as well (to work for his father, apparently), a little over a year ago.

      I could possibly see them challenging Geoff's leadership if they're not depending on T.Rex for anyone's livelihood.

    • Bethella

      Posted

      2 hours ago, Smoochie said:

      If I remember correctly when Josh & Anna sold the house and moved to the warehouse it was due to a lawsuit that Josh was involved in, there was perhaps an ownership change too (?) and it was reasoned that it was to remove the assets from his name so there would be nothing to win, or for them to lose should judgement be against him.  Perhaps someone remembers more of the details.

      The house was moved to an LLC (ALB Investments) just before the Danica Dillon lawsuit back in 2015. They stayed there for another couple of years before selling it. This article was before they confirmed that ALB was Josh and Anna. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3330441/amp/Josh-Duggar-s-dream-home-sold-mystery-investment-company-tied-longtime-member-family-s-inner-circle-two-days-porn-star-accused-violent-paid-sex-sessions.html
       

      This article is from when it was put back on the market in 2019. https://starcasm.net/josh-and-anna-duggars-house-photos/
       

      And an article confirming that they were living in the warehouse from 2020. https://www.the-sun.com/entertainment/1415834/josh-anna-duggar-living-jim-bob-warehouse-six-kids/amp/

      • Thank You 2


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