I've been struggling.  I've been going through a massive upheaval both in my life and internally the last year or so and every day I do the best I can to manage my stress.

One of the things that helps when I can engage is mindfulness.  So tonight I was doing dishes and strong in the mindfulness zone.  I had one of my favorite soothing videos playing in the background and I was very conscious of the warmth of the water, the pretty scent of what my British friend calls fairy liquid...the opalescence of the bubbles.  And I was filled with sense of gratitude...for the meal I was cleaning after, for my ability to feed my family nutritious foods they enjoy, for living in a place with an abundance of instantly available clean water, for my kitchen which I love.  

Peace of mind doesn't come naturally to me.  I am a worrier.  I have spent my life managing my anxiety by channeling it into avenues that don't work anymore, so while it's rather late in the game I have no choice but to learn new methods.

As I was lost in mindfulness (which I'd been trying to achieve unsuccessfully for days)  I felt this flood of certainty that came out of nowhere.  Not hope, but certainty that the parts of my life I am rebuilding will not only be okay, but will be better than what I had.

That I won't just survive, but will heal and that this collapse of certain parts of my life had to happen so I could eliminate the parts that were hurting me so I could be who I am supposed to be.

The fear and pain is still there...but it's okay.  It feels like when I had surgery, even though the pain during recovery was intense I knew it healing pain and I'd be okay.  It was much more manageable than the pain pre-surgery when I was afraid of the worst.

This has happened a few times - this feeling of confidence and certainty breaking through and flooding me with emotional strength; unfortunately I know it will pass.  Hence why I'm still awake - I want to enjoy the much needed respite while it lasts.

After I finished the kitchen and prepped the coffee pot for morning I returned to my bedroom.  As I laid down I was thinking, "I need to keep focusing on what is most important" and just as I had that thought one of my cats jumped on my tummy and let out the loudest meow that sounded just like "MEEEEEEEE!"

Like he could read my mind and wanted to make sure I knew that his noms and scritches are top priority no matter what human matters I insist on worrying about.  

I don't know why I'm writing this...it just struck me as funny.