Jump to content
  • Sky
  • Blueberry
  • Slate
  • Blackcurrant
  • Watermelon
  • Strawberry
  • Orange
  • Banana
  • Apple
  • Emerald
  • Chocolate
  • Charcoal

Paradigm Lost

Sign in to follow this  
  • entries
    10
  • comments
    12
  • views
    1,074

Why I'm Not Pro-Life (Anymore)

Lisafer

749 views

I grew up absolutely entrenched in pro-life (or pro-birther) beliefs. I had no doubt whatsoever that abortion was murder. Women who had had abortions had sinned heinously, and abortion providers were basically demons in white coats.

My family was pretty quiet about their pro-life stance, though. We were not found protesting clinics or participating in marches. My parents were not demonstrative people, and also not terribly interested in something like abortion that did not directly affect them. They were completely anti-hormonal birth control, of course, and I would say that their beliefs about fertility pretty much aligned with the Quiverfull movement.

I remember once, in my teens, helping a local pro-life activist host a dinner for some nationally known protesters that had come to the city. I don’t remember their names, I just remember they were considered important and well-regarded. And I remember the very odd vibe I got from them when they came to the dinner. They seemed fanatical, focused on one thing only: “saving the unborn” or whatever they called it. They made me uncomfortable, a feeling I couldn’t reconcile with the belief that they were doing the Lord’s work. (So many times, growing up, my feelings did not align with my beliefs. I try harder now to pay attention to what my emotions are telling me).

Still, even as I grew up and phased through flavors of Christianity, the pro-life beliefs remained with me. I took no hormonal birth control, fearing that some poor fertilized egg would perish in my womb if I did. Unlike my parents, though, I saw no problem using barrier methods to prevent pregnancies. No way was I going to pop out kid after kid, especially when it turned out that pregnancy was hell on me mentally and physically.

As I became more of a feminist and less of a fundie, I struggled to understand the hate directed at pro-lifers. (Naturally, any hate we directed at “abortionists” was well-deserved). I didn’t get why pro-choice people were so angry. I wanted to be a feminist, but I still thought abortion should be illegal. I read an early version of “Our Bodies, Ourselves,” and a tiny crack showed in my thinking because the women who wrote the book were so obviously caring, respectful, and determined to make the world a better place. But they were still wrong about abortion. Weren’t they?

But it was in the throes of hyperemesis, puking my guts out, unable to keep down even water, medicated to a state of semi-consciousness, that I heard about women who terminated wanted pregnancies because they couldn’t take another day of illness. And I understood how they felt. I was able to keep my baby. I survived. But for once, I had stood for a moment in someone else’s shoes, and the crack where understanding kept leaking into my brain got wider.

I progressed slowly but steadily in my thinking, every rerun of my beliefs beginning to play a little differently. I stopped taking the Bible at face value; I stopped believing in Hell; I became a little less of a Christian and a little more of something else every day. I read conversations on Free Jinger and other websites. I read how pro-life people turned pro-choice. I tried so hard to understand. People were saying that beliefs that I had held were wrong. I wanted to see past the hate and anger (lots on both sides) and understand what I was missing. It was like a puzzle, and I couldn’t find the last piece.

Finally, one day, everything came together. It clicked. What I was doing, as a pro-life supporter, was taking away bodily autonomy and personal choice. It wasn’t about the “human life” of the cells inside someone else’s body: it was about taking away somebody else’s freedom. I had valued my own freedom enough to defy my parents and my church so that I could live my own life. What was I doing taking away someone else’s freedom and choice? What right did I have to do that?

I don’t think it was ever about the “baby.” The baby is the red herring, a distraction from what is really happening when protesters block an abortion clinic or harass an abortion provider. It’s about control, about making sure that other people follow what we have deemed “the rules.” What I began so slowly to understand was that it is not my right, or anybody else’s right, to demand that another human create, or grow, or terminate, or deliver a baby. That decision is not mine.

I can’t speak for others, but for me the pro-life teachings outlasted my belief in Jesus and my belief in the Christian Heaven and Hell. I think that’s an indicator of how deeply it is ingrained for fundamentalists. I still struggle when I think about abortion; that dark feeling of horror still floats to the top. But if I had a friend that needed me, I would walk by her side to the abortion clinic or to the delivery room, whichever one she was going to. And now I respect abortion providers, because they face all kinds of obstacles as they try to help women. Women that have had to fight through crowds of screaming protesters for their chance at freedom and choice.

I think my beliefs changed mostly because I was open to change, but if you want to help someone come out of the pro-life movement, I think respect really helps. When I read respectful articles about being pro-life, read stories about abortion providers, and well-reasoned thoughts on the internet, I could grasp the ideas without being bogged down in puzzled distress at name-calling and accusations of stupidity. I understand, though, that some people are venting justified rage about pro-life beliefs, and that’s okay too. But if your goal is to help pro-lifers understand why they’re wrong, then remember that these beliefs run almost as deep as believing that the Earth is round, and that it requires more than an explosive argument to win them over. It’s like the shifting of tectonic plates, that happens slowly but changes the face of the world.

It’s a paradigm shift.

 

 

 

 

 

  • Upvote 15
  • Love 14


5 Comments


Recommended Comments

pook

Posted

Thank you so much for sharing because it's an excellent first hand synopsis.  I know someone in particular who needs to read this.

Share this comment


Link to comment
47of74

Posted

What did it for me was the realization of how little concern these so called "pro life" folks had for human life once it had been born, for the most part.  That brought the whole pro-life house of cards came tumbling down for me.  15 years ago I would not have imagined that a day would come where I would be pro-choice, but here I am now. 

And an equally liberating thing for me was when I left the Roman church and had the realization that I didn't have to pretend to like the "right to life" extremists anymore.  Nor did I have to hide my personal beliefs anymore.  I wish I had left the Roman church years ago instead of waiting as long as I had.

Share this comment


Link to comment
Lisafer

Posted

48 minutes ago, 47of74 said:

What did it for me was the realization of how little concern these so called "pro life" folks had for human life once it had been born, for the most part.  That brought the whole pro-life house of cards came tumbling down for me.  

Yes, when I was pregnant with my first child, I was scared because, even though I wanted the baby, I had no insurance, very little money, and wasn't sure what steps to take first. I called the local pro-life clinic. They said they couldn't help me with anything, even a pregnancy test, because I was married. Literally! I have a good husband, but they didn't know that. They didn't ask if I was being abused, if I had insurance, if I needed help finding resources. Just because I was married, I was denied any kind of assistance. It was pure bullshit. But my friend who was in a stable long-term relationship with her boyfriend got all kinds of help from them. It was obvious to me that they didn't give a crap about me or my baby.

Share this comment


Link to comment
usedbicycle

Posted

Thanks for this post. I grew up exactly like you but sometime between 18 and 20, thanks to living in the real world among wonderful people, I became a more "progressive" Christian. I was still pro-life and believed abortion to be wrong, but I decided I wouldn't judge the unsaved for making that decision because they simply didn't know the value of life. Kind of a "Father forgive them for they know not what they do". 

I became pregnant at 21, completely by accident, with the guy I thought I would marry. I was taught that God designed our bodies to be perfectly predictable, so we just avoided fertile days. It worked for a while, until it didn't.

At the exact moment I saw those lines on the stick, I knew I wanted an abortion. No ifs, buts, or any amount of guilt-tripping would change my mind. I would have spent all my money to travel to Mexico and buy illegal drugs if I had to. I would have gone to a back-alley surgeon. I would have done anything! I couldn't believe how clear my decision was. 

I was only 5 weeks along and had a medical abortion, no surgery, thankfully with the support of my boyfriend. After a few hours of cramping, I had what felt like a heavy period, and that was it. I was all over in a few days and completely anticlimactic. I couldn't believe women were being denied this right and forced to carry a baby to term. Suddenly it seemed inhumane. 

So many things boiled over inside me at that time. Anger at my parents and my church for brainwashing me against birth control. I realized the pill didn't cause breast cancer and condoms don't fail half the time. I realized the pro-life agenda is much more about controlling women's sex lives than it is about saving babies. I always goes hand in hand with abstinence education and vilifying birth control.  I realized that fertilized eggs get wiped out all the time in nature, up to 50% scientists claim, and that I felt zero guilt in terminating my pregnancy, no matter how much I prayed about it.

I felt so proud of all the brave women before me who fought for abortion rights. Women have had to fight for every aspect of controlling their bodies. They had to fight to criminalize rape, and then spousal rape. To decriminalize pregnancies out of wedlock. To access birth control. To end child marriage. More recently, we're still fighting to enforce consent rules and to punish sexual harassement. Deciding if and when to end an unwanted pregnancy is huge part of the ownership of our own bodies. I just suddenly made so much sense... 

I know I'm mainly preaching to the choir here, but I'm glad to share my story with other women who have switched sides in the abortion debate. 

Share this comment


Link to comment
47of74

Posted

And it seems like many men in the reich to life movement...well I'd call them sexist pigs but that would be insulting to sexist pigs.  These are men that I would not want to leave any female members of my family alone with because they are that creepy.  These are guys that applaud, say fornicate yeah, and raise their Keystone/Natty Lights in approval every time someone like Todd Akin spouts off.  

Share this comment


Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Posts

    • StraightOuttaArkansas

      Posted

      @neurogirl you're welcome! I am happy to hear we are not alone. I often question if we are just weird (I know we are happy, but you know just that "are we a little too strange" thought) for not having sex so often. Thank you for the confidence boost ❤️

    • hollyfeller

      Posted

      3 hours ago, WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? said:

      I found this opinion piece from 2012 awhile back, and it seems applicable now. (It's the New York Times, so it might be behind a paywall.)

      Men, Who Needs Them?

      He isn't so much anti-father as he is making a point. 

      Anyway, :my_tongue: to Lori and her fangirls and boys.

      That is a great article.  I love all the butthurt dudes in the comments.  While it contains a lot of science, it's an opinion piece!

      • I Agree 1
    • AuntKrazy

      Posted

      I open most of the jars in our house. I played piano for years and have a better grip.  I'm also more mechanical and enjoy fixing things. I built and installed custom shelving wall to wall in our home office.

      None of that makes me love or respect my husband less (or more!) I have a relationship with him that will last whatever roles we fill as we navigate life because we decide things together in the ways that work best for both of us. 

       

      • Upvote 2
    • hollyfeller

      Posted

      8 hours ago, SweetLaurel said:

      And despite what Lori thinks of the world -there are many many divorced, single, widowed women doing  - everything -  on our own.   We don't have a team, but we manage.  I think most women would/do. Lori isn't capable and couldn't, and just like her 'I never wanted to work so every female who wants to or does, is wrong and hates God' mindset,  she can't understand that there is a real world where daddy and hubby weren't there to support us all our lives.  She just really  -can't - she can only think we hate God so we deserve what we get.   She, of course, is above all that and always will be, unfortunately.    

       

      Right!  I'm happily divorced, not looking to couple up again, and capable of doing anything the average man can do in my home.  And if I can't I know who to call (i.e., plumber).  Believe it or not, Lori, brawn is not an essential trait for running a home.  It might help sometimes, but it is absolutely not needed.  I'm a petite woman and I assembled absolutely all of my furniture in my house myself.  *Gasp*

      P.S. Unfortunately I am waiting until a friend visits before I can get some heavy lifting done in my closet!  Fortunately it's not a priority.

      • Upvote 2
    • crancraz

      Posted

      My two year and one year anniversaries of my two babies are this week. I found out they died on Aug 25, 2017 and Aug 24, 2018. They were born August 29, 2017 and August 31, 2018. And I just had my new baby on July 2. When I was pregnant, Every day I woke up, I was certain that it was going to be the day she died. Even on the day of her birth, I was convinced she would die in the middle of the CSection. I legitimately have PTSD from my obstetrical experiences from the last two years.

      One thing I try to remind myself is that protecting myself is my job. I can’t go to baby showers anymore and likely never will again. I had to “mute” friends on social media when their pregnancies got to a certain point. Other women aren’t being cruel or hurtful by being pregnant or discussing their experiences. They’re just unaware of the pain that accompanies pregnancy and infant loss.  

       

      • Love 2


×