So blah blah sentiment...what conflicting legacies of wisdom from my couldn't-be-more-diametrically-opposed-if-they-were-coded-that-way parents did I pass onto my own kids?

Let's start with Mom:

1. You aren't responsible for every erection created in your honor.  No one can owe another person sexual affection so never do anything you don't want to do.  They'll live.
2.  Don't judge others on the way they speak, not everyone has had your opportunities.  Don't dismiss out of hand what people say because of how they say it.    Other people will judge you on the way you speak every day of your life; far more than looks, money, clothes, formal education...they will use this to decide who they think you are.  Someday you will thank me for nagging you about your diction.
3. Lacking compassion is the greatest disability a person can have.  An unkind person can't ever get away from themselves.  Pity them...but keep them at a distance.
4. It takes less time to do something right than to have to re-do it.  So stop letting things soak in the sink and just do the dishes properly and get on with your life.
5. Most of the things you worry about will never happen.  Of those that do the vast majority will be no where near as bad as you fear.  The small percentage that's left you can't do anything about anyway so just do the best you can and try to relax.  Hit what's pitched and when things get rough remember they will turn around soon because in life the good far outweighs the bad.

And now Dad:

1. Don't ever put anything in writing you wouldn't want read aloud in court.  Admit to nothing you could be sued for, even if it's your fault.  Don't ever sign anything without reading it. If you don't know whether or not you should get a lawyer... get a lawyer.  
2. Most people are idiots.  You can usually just go around them but if they have authority then humor them.  If people can't be smart they need to be nice - one or the other that's not negotiable.  If someone is neither they are obviously too stupid to know that rule.  Your mother thinks you should be both.  
3. Never raise your voice when you're angry.  If you lack control no one will take you seriously, but quiet rage is terrifying and very effective.
4. The world is full of idiots in mansions with high end cars who are one paycheck away from losing everything.  Those people they are trying to impress won't bail them out...and only idiots are impressed by other idiots.  Also never lend money to anyone if you need to see again, and never borrow money from anyone but me because everyone else will put conditions on it - and they will expect to be paid back.  
5. Remember that only lunatics and psychopaths allow their insurance to lapse.  If you're uninsured for 10 minutes that's when you'll total your car, a tree will crash through your roof, and you'll be diagnosed with an expensive disease that will then be a "pre-existing condition."   Something bad is always just about to happen and the real world is filled with people who would sell you for a dollar.