So I  wrote this a while ago. and certain circumstances recently have made me revisit it.

I don't really think my garden should need rules. However over time I have discovered that without them some people are weird and do bad shit. My rules are based on real stuff that has happened in my garden in the last few years. *sigh*

It is a bit of a forever growing list but here goes:

• It is never ok to spray Roundup in my garden
  • it is not ok to do this without mentioning it
  • it is not ok to do this and inform me after it is done
  • it is not ok to do this after you inform me you are going to
  • it is just not ok. No means No. Learn about consent. It goes for gardens too!
• It is not ok to come and spray anything in my garden without me asking you
  • never spray my potatoes with stuff that means I can't harvest for three weeks
    • especially when we mentioned just two days ago we were going to harvest this week
    • if you do this and don't inform us, I assume you're trying to poison me.
  • never ever say you're going to spray the diseased potatoes, then go and spray my low risk non diseased tomatoes after that.
    • I will blame you for the blight that is now running rampant in my tomatoes. *Everyone* knows that you spray the non-diseased stuff first so you don't carry disease around.
• It is not ok to remove all my ground cover
  • it is also not ok to then mention that there are lots of weeds growing. Well no shit Sherlock! the ground cover that you removed was preventing that.
  • it is not ok to tell me I *really* should grow ground cover after you remove it all. I did. You fucked it up.
• It is not ok to make snide remarks about how the ground is really impacted
  • well no shit Sherlock. That happened because you drove over it eleventy million times with a tractor and *not* because of how I garden
• It is not ok to tell me one week I shouldn't do something because "that's not how it is done here" and the next week turn around and complain I'm not doing it that way and I really should because "that is how it is done here"
  • do not tell me growing peas up netting is a bad idea. It isn't. We have a windy garden. this way they don't all blow over and are easier to harvest. BTW that is done here, as was shown in many local gardening books and a few gardens we have visited.
  • don't tell me growing green manure is bad/evil/makes me a failure, and then turn around and later say you're going to plant a whole patch. I thought that was evil? why you would then go do it?
• Don't tell me how to grow stuff in my garden. I like experimenting, I like trial and error
  • I can grow tomatoes inside over winter. They will even fruit. I have shown that. You were wrong. Don't say I can't
  • I can grow avocado and pomegranate trees from seed. The trees growing inside my house are proof of that
  • There is nothing wrong with letting flowers grow in the middle of veggie gardens. In fact, the bees seem to love it. And seeing as the bees help pollinate a lot of the veggies.. well I'm going to stick with random flowers in the middle of my garden.
  • You may never have heard of growing sesame, okra, or a few other things. That doesn't mean I won't be capable of growing it... 
  • Telling me there are lots of weeds in the garden is not helpful. You want to be helpful then roll up your sleeves and start weeding. Please ask permission first though, because if you weed stuff I want I'll be more than pissed.
• Don't insist on ever coming to do prep work in my garden. From now on the answer to that is HELL NO!
  • if you do insist, make sure you turn up when you first said you will. not 7 postponements from then.
    • And after you put it off for 8-9 weeks, do NOT tell me there are too many weeds growing. Well no shit Sherlock! If you had done it when was first intended, those weeds were tiny and would have all disappeared. Grass can grow insanely over a few weeks, especially when growing in horse shit. Your fault, your problem, deal with it, and not by delaying!
  • I actually don't want fresh horse manure being added to my garden in February. As of next year the gate will no longer open for that shit. (pun intended)
  • I hope you realize that by insisting on plowing you actually contributed to that compaction you were complaining about earlier. We actually didn't want to plow, because now all the good seeds that I wanted to grow are at the bottom, and the crappy weed seeds will now be at the top. bah.
  • You know those pieces in the garden that have been worked and are starting to grow stuff? Keep the hell away. You cannot plead ignorance, you're just being a f'wit and I'm sick of you ruining my early veggies/flowers.
• Stop commenting on how I always start gardening too early. I don't.
  • We have heavy soil. If it rains and gets over-saturated you can't work it. You can be stopped from working it for weeks (sinking to your ankles in mud isn't really helpful). This is why it is so damn important that the working happens early if it is dry. Because if the next week it rains I'm then fucked and all my timing (and joy) goes flying out the window.
  • My squared-neighbor starts gardening earlier than me. He sows at the same time. He digs his garden way earlier (did I mention his garden has been prepped for weeks? my desire for that is not insane!). He works in his garden nearly every day (and a lot longer if I'm out there so he can perv at me!), he's locally born and raised, he's way older than you and probably has a lot more experience. My perfect roll-model right?
• A week of warning about something happening that we didn't ask for or know about is not ok.
  • I dislike having to change my plans to cater to you being an asshole. Next time maybe contemplate that because we haven't asked for ABC that we don't want it/expect it/have room for it right now.
  • You may not destroy my garden for shit I don't want at this present time
  • When I say a week, I also mean 15 hours is also not ok, 24 hours is not ok. Actually anything less than 2 weeks after asking us if we want ABC is not really ok. And I do mean ASK and not inform. Your script should go something like "hey, I've heard that ABC is nearly ready to get picked up. Are you guys wanting any at the moment?". Saying "keep Saturday free because ABC is getting delivered" is NOT asking.
• When you see the no trespassing sign go up, please be aware it only refers to the people who have shown such blatant disrespect for me or my garden.
  • I am aware that the sign probably won't happen. But please see that imaginary one that is very clear from my body language *every* time you step onto the property. Stop interfering, it's not cool, you're not always right, if I want your help I'll ask.

Now I just need to write my rules for those damn slugs... I wonder if they can understand pictograms?