Okay, I’m getting really bored with the “Claire and Cam Flip a House†storyline. There were some fun times playing the two of them against each other, and the appearance from Pam was gold, but it should have been finished an episode or two ago. There’s only so many times you can make Cam into a diva about interior decorating and send Claire into a “Mommy to the World†state of control-freakishness. Perhaps with this episode, the house-flipping will finally be at an end, and we can get back to more inventive plotlines.

The cold open consists of Cam and Claire taking the entire family on a tour of the house. Cam is nervous to the point of flipping out over every move the others make, and – HELLO Gloria’s boobs! That is certainly an interesting choice of shirt there. Phil proposes a toast (which Haley uses to surreptitiously get wasted), full of bad puns and a ridiculous portmanteau (Clameron), but it’s essentially sweet in nature as always. Mitch begins a toast but starts randomly quoting Polanski movies. Cameron claims he wasn’t prepared for the speech they demand. Riiiiight. He manages to thank everyone but Claire. Stay classy! Luke mentions that he has a friend who wants to buy the house. Since nobody takes him seriously, we can be sure it’s going to be the best buyer possible. They toast one last time. Haley, weaving slightly, points out it’s bad luck to toast with an empty glass. The opening credits come on.

Phil is out for a meal with his main realty rival, Gil Thorpe, who found some buyers for Claire and Cameron’s place. He offers an insultingly low price for the house, arguing that the market’s crashing. Phil refuses, saying “I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘regret’.†Perfect Ty Burrell Delivery. Someone get that man yet another Emmy. He insists that the house is going to sell like “thatâ€, snapping his fingers.

Cut to two months later. Yet another open house has come and gone, with no success. Claire remarks that they’re going to die in this house. Everyone is super frustrated.

At Jay and Gloria’s, there is tension afoot. Manny’s dad, Javier, has brought his “bimbo†along on the special father-son weekend that Manny has been looking forward to for ages. Gloria (snuggling an adorable Baby Joe) is pissed. Jay has a less-than-sympathetic response, which leads to both of them snarling at each other and Gloria finally storming out of the room.

Claire and Phil have gone to Cam and Mitch’s place to discuss the sale. Things are going badly. The offers just keep declining. Mitch mutters something, and Cam asks him to clarify. Cut to Mitch addressing the camera with an “I told you so†rant. Fortunately, Real Life-Mitch is much smarter than Camera-Mitch. Claire and Cam get into an argument over staging budget. Claire suggests that Phil flatter Gil Thorpe into a better price. After some well-chosen flattery directed at him, Phil agrees.

When Javier drops Manny back home, Gloria is utterly prepared for a fight – only to be disarmed when the bimbo turns out to be a bookish Ph.D named Trish (Criminal Minds’ Paget Brewster). She is left flustered as this kind and educated total-opposite-of-what-she-expected totally upends the situation. Turns out that they met when Javier convolutedly won a painting and encountered her through her work at Christie’s. He does not forget to sneak in a couple of digs at Gloria’s thwarted expectations. Manny is of course thrilled with his dad’s new girlfriend, and the couple end up staying for dinner.

Phil calls Gil Thorpe, who thinks it’s hilarious to see his old rival come crawling back. While Phil listens to a barrage of insults, Luke mentions that his friend “Zack†is still looking. Once it’s clarified that Zack is not fourteen, but some sort of software genius who volunteers at Luke’s school, Phil and Claire are all ears. Once Gil is done with his takedown, Phil gleefully declares that he already has a buyer, to the horror of the other adults in the room. The stakes have been raised.

Jay shows Trish the infamous dog butler statue and asks her what she thinks. She diplomatically states that it “really says somethingâ€. Jay naturally takes it as an opportunity to tell Gloria she was wrong. Everybody is tense for a moment. The argument dissolves, but Manny proposes a game of charades with him and Trish versus Jay and Javier. Gloria asks to join in. Uh-oh...

So Zack the not-fourteen-year-old is interested in the place. Everyone jumps at the chance. There are a lot of things running on this deal – Phil’s dignity, Cam and Mitch’s well-being, Claire and Cam’s new endeavour – and they cannot fail. Oh, and Haley gets in another dumb remark.

The charades game is not going well. Gloria, on a team with both of her husbands, keeps tripping them up with mistakes like “The Old Man and the Fishâ€. Meanwhile, Trish and Manny are getting along like gangbusters and winning by a landslide. Gloria is jealous. She gets her own clue to act out, but throws it away because it doesn’t make sense. Trish is sympathetic. Manny encourages her to show him. The clue? Sweeney Todd. Manny gets it instantly, provoking a furious reaction from Gloria. She storms out, again.

Meanwhile Haley, armed with a computer, has dug up enough information on Zack Barbie to allow them to maximize their personal tour. (“She’s like The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo,†says Phil. “But with cuter hair,†Cam sighs.) Exactly one joke about “Barbie’s Dream House†is made. And Haley is developing a crush. Uh-oh.

Gloria is destroying the evening’s dinner in a fit of rage. She explains to Jay all her hurt feelings about Manny’s relationship with Trish. Jay says that like most of Javier’s girls, she will be gone before long. Javier comes in and tells them that no, he has asked Trish to marry him – and he wants his grandmother’s ring back. “You see I am holding a knife,†Gloria says. It doesn’t faze him.

Over a glass of the excellent wine Trish brought, Javier breaks the news to Manny, who is of course thrilled. Gloria slurps down a lot of wine. The ring is a little small for Trish’s hand, and  this precipitates a statement that she “can’t do this†and “it’ll never workâ€.

At Clameron’s place, they have decked out the house according to Zack’s interests – with even Mitch helping out, though he has (adorably) never bought beer before. Haley makes an excuse to show up. Zack arrives and is initially impressed with the place. Let’s wait and see how the Dunphy-Pritchett-Tuckers manage to screw this one up.

Trish has locked herself in a bedroom. Gloria offers to talk to her, though she may have ulterior motives. Under the guise of helping her, she manages to sneak a lot of slights at his character past. Turns out Trish is threatened by Gloria – with her amazing figure, her adoring son and still besotted ex-husband. She feels like she will never measure up to Gloria. The ex-wife’s response? “Welcome to the family!â€

Zack kinda can’t believe how perfect the place is, until Cam slips up by revealing that he knows the dog’s name. Oops. The Google secret is out, though Mitch tries to cover up with a quick quip. Doesn’t work. He decides it’s all weird and is about to leave. Claire tries to make one last plea, but it fails. Haley is brokenhearted and everyone is upset about the house. Claire feels guilty. Cam tries to comfort her. The doorbell rings, and Phil declares that they should sell the house with “No more tricks.†Turns out it’s Gil Thorpe. Within seconds, Cam and Mitchell are posing as the buyers and raving about the wonderful house. Gil is distressed, because the buyer wants in. Phil gets him to up the offer. As he leads Gil away, it’s Cameron who finally cries, “I told you so!â€

The end credits cover Phil and Gil in the midst of a golf game. Claire calls. Phil pretends he’s in a meeting, but Thorpe screams about Phil’s lie into the phone, ending with a cry of “You just got Thorpedoed!â€

This episode was reasonable, I suppose. Not very inventive and kind of par-for-the-course, but it wasn’t bad. I did enjoy the Trish character and hope that she returns. And no more house flipping! It was your typical Modern Family – but that’s a good thing.

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