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Surviving it

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Never too old to learn


violynn

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The past few weeks have been nerve-wracking.  The non-smoking campaign has been going well, but it scheduled to be derailed Sunday night.  I say that because I've been telling myself all week that if I absolutely need to smoke due to built-up pressure and stress that I will give myself permission to smoke for the 24 hour period surrounding the Parole Board Hearing on Monday afternoon.  

Nicotine patches seem to be holding up well, 3 weeks and some days in.  I did have a problem with them the first week of March, the beginning of my 2nd week of non-smoking.   I couldn't get to sleep.  That Tuesday I didn't fall asleep until after 2 am, and I have to be up by 5:30 am the latest to get my day started.  Three hours sleep is really horrid for people with fibromyalgia.  We pretty much depend on sleep as our number 1 go-to for pain relief, and the pain grows exponentially based on how little sleep we get.  Wednesday night it was after 3 am, Thursday I fell asleep 20 minutes before my alarm went off.  Usually if I don't get enough sleep at night, I can count on at least a couple hours nap to make it up, but not this week for some reason!  Friday I ended up crashing to bed half an hour before my 12 yo got home from school, and had the worst time waking again.  Not good.

While talking with the oldest about our bids to be non-smokers, she asked about how my dreams were on the patch.  I told her they were vivid, sure, but not problematic, it was the non-sleeping that was getting to me.  She asked what time I took off the patch before bed, thinking perhaps I wasn't giving enough time before bedtime or something.

When I told her I didn't take off the patch, afraid I'd wake up with ravenous smoking urges, she explained, in horrified tones, how much of a stimulant nicotine is, and that I'd been keeping myself awake for the past week.

I hate it when my kids show me what an idiot I can be.  I know nicotine is a stimulant.  I cannot believe I didn't think of that before!  Happily, now the patch comes off in a timely manner, and I'm sleeping again.

 

And 12 yo youngest has decided, nay, demanded that she be allowed to accompany us to the PB hearing on Monday.  I resisted her requests the first couple times, explaining it was just too intense and stressful for her to experience.  I told her I was afraid I would be too distracted worrying about her emotions to keep my own in check.  She kept insisting.  Then I finally asked her why she was so adamant.  Her answer stopped me cold.

"Next to you, I am the person most affected by his getting out.  It will be me he comes for, wanting visitation, or something worse.  It will be me he'll drag you to court for, just to mess with you.  And as his child, if I don't go, maybe the people will think I want him out, if I'm not there to say I want him to stay in prison.  I have as much as stake as you, I want to be able to say what I think there."

Well.  What can you say to that?  She's always been a really mature child, probably from living with mainly only adults and much older siblings.  She's always had a larger vocabulary and very firm opinions, from an early age.  I don't want her to be there.  I want to protect her from any and every thing that can harm her.  But that's not realistic, nor is it good for her.  "Apparently March is Your Kid is Wiser than You, Vi" month.  Eh, could be that's every month too.  

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iweartanktops

Posted

I'm so glad you're sleeping, first of all! :)

Your daughter sounds strong, wise and confident. I'm amazed at the answer she gave you! I can understand your concerns about her being there, but it sounds like it could be the best for everyone. From my point of view, you're raising some bad ass women! YEAH! 

And way to go with quitting! I'm so proud of you! 

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WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?

Posted

I was just thinking of your daughter today. It sounds like she's very good at articulating her ideas and feelings. (Yay!) I can sure understand wanting to shield her, but it sounds like that's not the best choice in this case. I'm glad she can talk to you and you can listen to her. (I know that sounds a little lame, but it's something my daughter and I are working on. It isn't always a given, even with people who love each other.)

Thank goodness you figured out your sleep problem! I don't think I ever realized that patches could affect sleep. Learn something new each day. 

I'll be thinking of you each day; especially Monday. Much love! :my_heart:

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violynn

Posted

2 hours ago, iweartanktops said:

I'm so glad you're sleeping, first of all! :)

Your daughter sounds strong, wise and confident. I'm amazed at the answer she gave you! I can understand your concerns about her being there, but it sounds like it could be the best for everyone. From my point of view, you're raising some bad ass women! YEAH! 

And way to go with quitting! I'm so proud of you! 

Thanks, for all your statements! :D  

She is strong, super strong.  I'm so lucky that she's a compassionate, wise, tough kid.  And you're right, I don't know how having her there is going to affect me yet, but I know it's important to her, and she feels powerless over so much already concerning her issues with her father.  

2 hours ago, WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? said:

I was just thinking of your daughter today. It sounds like she's very good at articulating her ideas and feelings. (Yay!) I can sure understand wanting to shield her, but it sounds like that's not the best choice in this case. I'm glad she can talk to you and you can listen to her. (I know that sounds a little lame, but it's something my daughter and I are working on. It isn't always a given, even with people who love each other.)

Thank goodness you figured out your sleep problem! I don't think I ever realized that patches could affect sleep. Learn something new each day. 

I'll be thinking of you each day; especially Monday. Much love! :my_heart:

She's probably the most articulate of all of us, which makes sense, since her sisters were 18, 16, 10, 10 and 8 when she was born.  She's had very little baby talk in her life after infancy, and you speak up for yourself early when you're the smallest in a house full of hormonal women ;) 

It sadly took me til daughter the third was a pre-teen before I started learning to listen actively to my kids.  I always took their concerns, feelings, interest, etc into account, of course, but realizing that I didn't often truly hear them sometimes didn't come along until the 3rd screamed it at me one day.  You're way ahead of me, WWJCD!

Thank you so much for your good wishes, prayers and love.  

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Fascinated

Posted

Wow, @violynn, that's an impressive kid you have there.  I can't imagine how difficult this must be, but it sounds to me like you and your family will get through it together.  I hope you draw strength from her presence. Her words and thoughts are intelligent and enlightened, but something tells me she's also looking out for her mom.

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violynn

Posted

She really is amazing, thank you.  We all get through everything together.  Those girls have been my light and strength since the day they each were born.  I am the luckiest Mom in the world.

Yeah, I'm a little afraid she's there to look out for me too.  I just hope it's okay for her afterwards.

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Fascinated

Posted

I hope you can let us know how it goes. This is something most of us will never have to do.  I hope you feel your FJ friends with you and I will be anxiously thinking of you, and your awesome daughter, on Monday. 

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Mecca

Posted

3 hours ago, violynn said:

I am the luckiest Mom in the world.

She sounds like an amazing kid. She is lucky to have you as her mom. 

Take care of yourself. And remember, we all have your back. 

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Karma

Posted

@violynn I'll be thinking of you on Monday.  Hope it goes well, he stays in gaol, and you and your girls, including your amazing youngest one, get through the day ok.  

Good on you for quitting smoking too!

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violynn

Posted

@Fascinated, @Mecca, @Karma, thank you all so very much.  Of course I will let everyone know how it went!  The suppert of this fj friends means so much.  I can't say thank you enough.

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