Never too old to learn
The past few weeks have been nerve-wracking. The non-smoking campaign has been going well, but it scheduled to be derailed Sunday night. I say that because I've been telling myself all week that if I absolutely need to smoke due to built-up pressure and stress that I will give myself permission to smoke for the 24 hour period surrounding the Parole Board Hearing on Monday afternoon.
Nicotine patches seem to be holding up well, 3 weeks and some days in. I did have a problem with them the first week of March, the beginning of my 2nd week of non-smoking. I couldn't get to sleep. That Tuesday I didn't fall asleep until after 2 am, and I have to be up by 5:30 am the latest to get my day started. Three hours sleep is really horrid for people with fibromyalgia. We pretty much depend on sleep as our number 1 go-to for pain relief, and the pain grows exponentially based on how little sleep we get. Wednesday night it was after 3 am, Thursday I fell asleep 20 minutes before my alarm went off. Usually if I don't get enough sleep at night, I can count on at least a couple hours nap to make it up, but not this week for some reason! Friday I ended up crashing to bed half an hour before my 12 yo got home from school, and had the worst time waking again. Not good.
While talking with the oldest about our bids to be non-smokers, she asked about how my dreams were on the patch. I told her they were vivid, sure, but not problematic, it was the non-sleeping that was getting to me. She asked what time I took off the patch before bed, thinking perhaps I wasn't giving enough time before bedtime or something.
When I told her I didn't take off the patch, afraid I'd wake up with ravenous smoking urges, she explained, in horrified tones, how much of a stimulant nicotine is, and that I'd been keeping myself awake for the past week.
I hate it when my kids show me what an idiot I can be. I know nicotine is a stimulant. I cannot believe I didn't think of that before! Happily, now the patch comes off in a timely manner, and I'm sleeping again.
And 12 yo youngest has decided, nay, demanded that she be allowed to accompany us to the PB hearing on Monday. I resisted her requests the first couple times, explaining it was just too intense and stressful for her to experience. I told her I was afraid I would be too distracted worrying about her emotions to keep my own in check. She kept insisting. Then I finally asked her why she was so adamant. Her answer stopped me cold.
"Next to you, I am the person most affected by his getting out. It will be me he comes for, wanting visitation, or something worse. It will be me he'll drag you to court for, just to mess with you. And as his child, if I don't go, maybe the people will think I want him out, if I'm not there to say I want him to stay in prison. I have as much as stake as you, I want to be able to say what I think there."
Well. What can you say to that? She's always been a really mature child, probably from living with mainly only adults and much older siblings. She's always had a larger vocabulary and very firm opinions, from an early age. I don't want her to be there. I want to protect her from any and every thing that can harm her. But that's not realistic, nor is it good for her. "Apparently March is Your Kid is Wiser than You, Vi" month. Eh, could be that's every month too.
- 11
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