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Attitude of Gratitude


violynn

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I've always been a bit of a Pollyanna.  I live every day trying to find the good things and work to negate the negative.  This is a great policy when it comes to raising daughters;  they have received multitudes of praise and reminders of their best attributes and behaviors, reminders that they have an obligation as humans to be the best person they can be, and that the world does not owe them a thing - they owe the world and can repay it by doing good, being decent, law-abiding, productive members of society.  I believe in having an attitude of gratitude.

 

I worked hard to apply that mantra when I was beaten and raped.  As I heard of other's stories, and realized just how prevalent sexual assault is throughout the world, I immediately began realizing just how 'lucky' I was.  

  • While I was beaten, I wasn't 'badly' beaten.  My foot was broken, I had assorted cuts and bruises.  I'd been thrown around, hit with a chair, door and fists, but considering the stories I read, I was in good shape.  I left the hospital 5 hours after I went in for the rape kit.
  • I knew my attacker.  He was arrested 7 hours after the attack, and was given a sufficiently high bail so he was locked up until the trial date and sentencing.  I spent countless hours checking and re-checking the jail's website making sure he wasn't released somehow, but I was able to comfort myself in small ways by knowing he was in a cage where he belonged.  I didn't have to spend one moment wondering who had attacked me, if he'd be caught, if he was out there waiting to do it again.
  • I was almost eager for it to go to trial.  I was ready to testify to what he'd done to me.  I wasn't prepared for how badly the idea of the trial affected my daughters, however.  Even the eldest, adult daughters were struggling just listening to me go over testimony with the district attorney prosecuting the case.  So I chose to accept the plea agreement which gave him 20 years, but gave him an early parole possibility, rather than go to trial and subject all of us to listening to his lies.  
  • He went to prison.  I've had 4 safe years to process what this attack did to me, body and soul.  I know how lucky I am, how small a number of survivors of rape get to see justice done, are allowed to live free from dealing with the person who sexually assaulted them.  
  • Our daughter is 12 now.  She was so much more vulnerable to his mind games at 7 and 8.  I don't know how much of a fight he's going to put up about trying to get visitation, but I'm not naive enough to think some do-gooder MRA jerk might not actually decide the man who raped and beat his long-term girlfriend of 10 years and threatened her life with a rifle, using it as a tool of torment while the actual rape was taking place *should* have the right to see his daughter.  We'll fight every way we can, and if that doesn't work, I'll do something else.  But she's mature enough now to know he's dangerous and manipulative, and his "Daddy is so sad with Mommy gone, please tell her how much you want to come home so Daddy can have his girls home again" bullshit is just that.

 

Thank you, all of you for writing and giving your support.  I was scared to death to start this blog:  I needed an outlet for all this, and I hoped I'd find a few people I could get feedback from.  This is more than I hoped for.  

Yes, I've got a Victim Support Advocate, from the Justice Center, of all places.  VINE is great (Victim Identification Notification Everyday). 

I've been getting lots of counselling from her, tons of explanations of the process and what to expect.  It's been very helpful for calming my nerves.  Also, by some strange coincidence, my therapist is a former guard in the prison system in our state, so she's been wonderful telling me about what goes on in the prison where he is and what the parole process is like from that end.

 

I'm still nervous, still scared, still tons of questions.  Still have to decide how to spend the 30 minutes I'm allotted, what to say to have the most impact.  I found an excellent article about domestic violence murders on Huff Post with statistics from 2016 already!  I think I'm going to use some of their numbers, and talk a little about the history of his behaviors the 10 years we were together.  I'm honestly at a loss, floundering around.  I've been given 30 minutes to plead for my life in a room with a group of strangers.  My daughter's , all of my daughters, safety.  Gads, it sounds so damn melodramatic when I see it there in print.  I wish it were, wish it were anything but the cold, horrible facts.  

I'll figure it out though.  It's what I do.   

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turquoise

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I'm sorry for what you've been through. I don't have any advice, but I am sending good thoughts your way. I hope he stays in prison where he belongs.

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