So as some of you the intention of this blog is to tackle the big issues of our times.  Like pancakes.  And getting plastic heads in the mail.  I consider it my contribution to society to bring these urgent topics to the fore.

But unlike all my other altruistic posts this one is all about me (quell surprise.)

Going through a bit of an emotional rough patch lately has sent me scurrying into my head looking for a little help in shoring up the old confidence.  I love the Sherlock analogy of having a mind palace - it was something I've always felt but never put to words...like there is a map to my storage of memories, emotions, and source code.

I guess in my case it's more like a mind database where the tables store the data which has, for better or worse, made me...me.  

I always know which tables to queries to make me feel better when my self-esteem takes a hit*.  When I was little, before I knew about data structure, I thought of my brain like a huge dresser with hundreds of little drawers where I stored not just memories but facts, stuff I liked, my feelings, etc.  You know that feeling when you know the answer to something and it's  right on the tip of your tongue but you can't quite remember?  I used to say that was it's drawer being stuck.    When I was in 1st grade I started collecting words.  I would get so excited when I learned a new word I kept the dictionary with me when reading and any unfamiliar word became mine as soon as I'd look it up and learn the meaning.  Even when I could infer from context I always wanted to know if there were other meanings.  I'd keep lists in notebooks and index cards, but being messy and disorganized I always lost them.  But I consciously assigned the one biggest drawers in my dresser to my words...right next to the drawer of animals I loved.

I don't think my thought processes have ever been normal.  Who organizes thoughts in their brain dresser?  This is the kind of thing I learned early on not to talk about with most people;  I knew I was different than most kids in a lot of ways and It was a source of shame to me.  I spent years trying desperately, with varying degrees of success, to act like everyone else.  Makes dealing with  others so much easier.

DIGRESSION!  as Holden Caulfield would say.  Seriously forgot where I was going with this...oh yeah, self- delusion.

So here's the deal...as arrogant and shitty as this may sound, I like me.  I like who I am and how I think, and fundemnetally I always have.  So far from perfect and a lot I would change, but not the foundation of who I am.  Sure, I've had my moments of fervent prayer that I would wake up a different person, but if I could go back and tell childhood me that she's just fine, I would.

They say the messages received in childhood often have a lifelong effect on how we see ourselves.  There have been books written about how to oversime negative messages, but how do you know if you really are fundemnetally okay or if you just think so because the now hard wired messages from childhood say you are? 

My childhood was far from perfect and I've certainly got my own scars, more than some and less than others.  But the overarching theme of my childhood is that I was adored and the people I respected most in the world had unshakable confidence in my gifts and abilities.  The failings of both commission and omission aren't whitewashed away, but their impact is diminished by the foundation of security and love.  

No matter how badly I fucked up time after time my folks would be annoyed and worried for the immediate situations, but never it never occurred to them that I wouldn't be okay in the long run, so it never occurred to me.  As stressed as I can get, deep down I always know I'm going to land on my feet.  

That is really comforting and I've used it as a crutch my whole life, but it's a false sense of security because someday something won't be fine and I won't know what to do.  I've lived my whole life on luck and last minute Hail Mary's...a strategy destined to fail at some point.

I have no idea why I'm typing this - trying to organize the drawers in my head, I suppose.  They've gotten a little cluttered this past week.  In the quest to remind myself I'm not a failure I started to wonder if maybe I am and have always been but couldn't see it because I was happy to be blinded by my own internal messages.  

I said I didn't want to be someone else, but I take it back.  I want to be one of those people who doesn't overthink stuff to death when they should be doing laundry.

*and conversely which tables need to remain password protected and stored on a seperate server with no active connection to the network lest the data from the archives of GUILT_PAST.FAILURE, GUILT_PAST.MISTAKES, BAD_DECISIONS.HISTORY, FEAR_CHILDHOOD.SHITTYPEOPLE, and CURRENT_LIFE.NEVER_GOOD_ENOUGH corrupt my carefully constructed tables used to self soothe.

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