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Salty Memoirs of FinnLassie

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About this blog

Many things have happened in my life. Shit family members, shit relationships, and shit people and happenings in general. Some of the posts are going to be deeper, some just me being petty about a small thing, and some random memories (positive, negative and neutral) that have happened along the way. But there's also good things, and that's the note I'll end everything with.

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Speaking a Made Up Language

For many years, me and my younger older sister (SaneSister, not NarcSister - see my previous blog post) have spoken a language that only we two know. Us two have a two year difference and we shared a room for about 9 years when we lived in the countryside. She go the top bunk, and I was toootally fine sleeping in the bottom one. Being that we didn't really have kids our age live nearby, a lot of the time we made up games just between us two. One of our favourite things to play was Fifi the Pekingese dog. It started when my sister got a dog breed book as a gift, and we both found the breed really hilarious. So we started our journey as Fifi and her puppy or sibling. Playing Fifi, we started speaking in a rather peculiar voice during it. Around the age of 10, it started to be our regular way of talking, and that's when our Fifi-language really took off, and people stopped understanding what the hell we're saying apart from some key words. It's a hybrid, combining languages, pronunciations, and we've also developed how we write it. It's such a weird thing. The saltiness to this whole thing comes from how other people in my family reacted to this language. It was very berating, making fun of me and my sister. Yes, our voice changes completely when we speak it, but it does hurt when something really dear to you is being made fun of. My mum always starts laughing when we use our language, not really understanding why we think it's inappropriate. My positive take on this? Me and SaneSister have a way of bonding that is completely special between us two. Having our own language sets us free, and we can share some secrets that nobody else can pick up on. --finnlassie--

finnlassie

finnlassie

 

My Eldest Sister Doesn't Care About Me

I cannot remember a single time she's apologised in the past five years. Actually, I can't remember a single time in the past 10 or more years. Sure, I've had a couple of Sorry, IF I haves, but those mean nothing. In the end, those have always turned the blame to the person calling her out. NarcSister has also not comforted me or said words of encouragement in... yeah, at least the past ten years. It's always been discouragement. Te It's always been about reminding us others how we owe her things. We owe her explanations, we owe her favours, we owe her every minute of our lives. We owe her the glory, the access for her to brag about us, her sisters, as if we're her trophies. When our parents divorced, I was barely a teenager. Instead of comforting me, she spewed me all of her sorrows and how horrible our parents are, when we were supposed to just have a sisters movie night. She has literally thrown herself on the sofa crying like a toddler when we've not done her way. I really, really tried to call out her behaviour a couple of years ago. How demanding she is. How she doesn't give space. She turned that against me. That she must be oh so horrible (I mean, she is) that she doesn't deserve my time. And then went on demanding me to give examples of when she's been demanding. She was demanding examples of when she's not given space. NarcSister demanded me to give her explanations. And all I wanted to say was "right now. right now is enough of an example", but I kept my mouth shut. I'm not sure if I did right or wrong. I feel sad that I don't stand up against her. Especially when she uses her children, my dear nephews as weapons, as if they're objects she can blackmail us with. I hate that our mother enables everything. She always has excuses. "Oh, she's always been so strong willed. Oh, NarcSister is such a passionate person! But she's really changed! She's getting better and better! You need to accept that she isn't perfect!" ... well, perhaps in your eyes. But she keeps on playing her abusive game to us, her sisters, and our dad, who she's abused the most. I hate that I'm already scared about my wedding day, even though I'm not even engaged. I get so much anxiety. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle. But I also don't want my NarcSister's face to look like she just sucked a thousand lemons, huffing and puffing. That's what she did at my graduation celebration. She made the whole day about herself and her angst. I wonder if she realises that our SaneSister (middle child) has completely cut ties with her because she's so obnoxious. How she's never let her live her own life. How NarcSister has made it all about herself. How she keeps sending harrassing emails and text messages, using our nephews as weapons, trying to lure her into responding. NarcSister is currently whacking the last nails on her coffin. Soon, if this continues, I'll be gone too. I wrote this because yesterday she violated my privacy by tagging me and posting my real name on Instagram (my SaneSister too). I have ALWAYS kept my family relations away from ALL social media, for my safety, and other people's safety too as our family has history with a hostile stalker. But instead of being normal and saying "oh, sorry, I'll do that" she went on a rant how she didn't know our relationship is a secret and how I should inform in my profile how no one is allowed to tag me. Well, my friends are allowed to tag me, BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS ASK. Because they respect me. Because they show me unconditional love. My positive take on this? Even though I have to stand my NarcSister, I've learnt to defend myself. I've learnt to protect myself. I've learnt that I don't owe her things, and I'm mostly able to reject her demands. Slowly, I'm getting stronger. -- finnlassie --

finnlassie

finnlassie

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