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Seewalds 28: Marketing Kids as Deflection


Coconut Flan

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She had hair and there was a bit of a disagreement over mom wanting very badly to pierce her ears, while my brother wanted to wait since he remembered my sheer begging and excitement to get mine done for the first day of school.

I do have a soft spot for baby and little girl tutus, niece is unimpressed with my adult selection (minus the most hideous lime green prom dress I saved some poor soul from having to wear, but is so Tinkerbell)

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Back when I worked retail, I complimented a six (?) month-old baby, saying something like “oh, he’s so cute!”  Well, SHE was dressed in a yellow shirt and mom was MAD, and pointed out the tiny embroidered flowers on the ankles of her jeans. I was sixteen, so I hadn’t reached that “some people are just terrible people” realization yet, so I felt awful for the rest of the day about it. 

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2 hours ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

Further (because I can't edit now):  My mother kept my hair boy-short until I was 12. For whatever reason her non-maternal brain came up with.

I was always called a boy, called "he" or "him." I hated it, and I vowed my daughter would not have to put up with that shit.

I used to have adult strangers call me a boy when I was 7 to 10 years old and my mom had given me a shorter haircut than usual. The usual way they did it was, "Little boy, don't go in there! That's the girls' bathroom!!!" I was apparently always firmly cis gender, because I always knew that they were the idiots. I hated it, but I somehow didn't internalize it.

I try to let my 2 kids (6 and 9 years old) choose their "look" as much as possible, but budget and some social pressures do come in to play. I did mostly skip the baby headbands, though. Even the gentlest one would leave a dent in my sweet baby's tender skin. :my_cry:

ETA--I realized that it might have sounded like I was saying that anyone who got very upset at being mistaken for a boy isn't "firmly cis gender". I wasn't trying to say that; just commenting on my own situation. Sorry if it sounded general.

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Miniway had always been confused for a girl. Even before his hair grew out and when he’s wearing very boyish clothes. Sometimes I don’t get why, I always think his face looks all boy but I don’t care or want anyone to feel embarrased they were wrong. He doesn’t care and doesn’t really understand the difference between boys and girls yet. Right now he doesn’t want ”to have short hair like dad” and when he gets to chose he often choses pink clothes. I’m sure he’ll learn the social norms all by himself at kindy. 

I find the gendering of small children sad. I don’t want people to assume my kid is rough and doesn’t want to talk about his feelings just because he has a penis. I want him to be able to do and be whatever he wants. Even if right now that is sometimes a monster truck and sometimes Hello Kitty. Dream big Miniway!

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I worry sometimes that I'm going to mistake a boy for a girl or vice versa with little babies and toddlers, particularly bald babies for some reason (my family tends to produce kids born with a full head of hair so maybe that's just more like what I'm used to seeing). I just don't want to end up with an offended parent like some have described in this thread! So usually I just go with "What a cute little baby!" or "What a good kid!" if complimenting someone's baby/toddler.

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3 minutes ago, TheMustardCardigan said:

I worry sometimes that I'm going to mistake a boy for a girl or vice versa with little babies and toddlers, particularly bald babies for some reason (my family tends to produce kids born with a full head of hair so maybe that's just more like what I'm used to seeing). I just don't want to end up with an offended parent like some have described in this thread! So usually I just go with "What a cute little baby!" or "What a good kid!" if complimenting someone's baby/toddler.

A good trick is to talk to the baby: ”Ah, you’re a cutie! What’s your name?” Or a nice: ”So cute, how old?” to the parent and hope for clarification. :)

I try to never assume the gender of babies or kids. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean others can’t be offended. 

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I was at a Remembrance day ceremony this year, when I saw a kid licking the railing. Quick glance and said to the Mom "She's licking the railing." "HE." She said in a disgusted tone. "Well, he's still licking the railing."* 

*We were standing on steps. 

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GryffindorDisappointment was never uncomfortable in her headbands/bows. Bows stick to little bald heads with a dab of corn syrup. :) 

Further:  GryffDis played with dolls, trucks, coloring books, dirt, cows, goats, tractors, horses, cats, dogs, Puffalumps, Barbies, video games, etc. I did NOT enforce strict gender norms /toy choices. She played in creeks, at skating rinks, shopped at Claires AND Auto Zone. She's car crazy and can rebuild an engine, AND she loves getting her nails done.

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29 minutes ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

GryffindorDisappointment was never uncomfortable in her headbands/bows. Bows stick to little bald heads with a dab of corn syrup. :)

Well then, I don't understand why you're offended with what people are saying. The person who started this conversation was clearly saying that the baby in question (her niece) hated the bows and headbands and was constantly tring to take them off. If your daugther was fine with them, good for her. :)

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3 minutes ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

I'm not offended. lol

...really? Cause your multiple posts, random capitalization, and downvotes on the topic suggest otherwise. 

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Currently pregnant with a girl - I seriously told everybody not to bring a single bow into my home. I can't stand them, especially the ones that have flowers or whatever that are almost bigger than the baby's head. Don't care if she's bald either!

I look at so many of the baby girl clothes and think OMG. We make them look ridiculous right off the start IMO.

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On 12/15/2017 at 9:01 AM, nst said:

I loved this when I saw this.  Obviously she did it on purpose yes?  :)

 

Maybe yes, maybe no.  People often comment on my kids being dressed alike.  Sometimes my outfit even match their outfits too, but I honestly don't do it on purpose (excluding professional photos).  I think that I must pick outfits depending on my mood or something.

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I haven’t really liked the color pink in years and the super gendered girl items just seem like they’d make moving and exploring a bit tougher for young kids. Husband and I were lucky that we got our nephew’s hand me downs and that our loved ones tried hard to listen when we expressed our desire for less gender specific items. It’s a little harder now that she’s over a year, but we’ve found clothes at Once Upon a Child and Target that are either gender neutral or at least have good messages on them. 

I don’t think gendered items are bad or wrong on their own. I think forcing your kid to constantly dress in a way that clearly makes them uncomfortable is wrong though and that’s an important distinction to make*. If my daughter starts indicating that she likes pink and frilly and glitter then we’ll do our best to respect her opinions. And if we have a son who eventually decides he likes pink and frilly and glitter stuff then we will respect his wishes too. Having healthy kids who know they’re loved and respected is more important to us than having a kid who is forced to strictly adhere to any gender standard.

*I also haven’t seen anyone claiming the contrary here, I just wanted to make that point because it’s an important one. :) 

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When my daughter was maybe one and a half she quite suddenly decided she was in love with PINK. She only had temper tantrums when I was trying to put her into clothing of another colour.  Pink pink pink.   

After a little while we just gave up and bought pink when possible, even snowsuits. We decided that colour was not a battle we wanted to fight.   It didn't bother me that she loved a colour so much - I wAs just embarrassed that people would think we were imposing pink frills on her for jinder reasons when believe me we were not  

She's an adult now, still stubborn and determined, 'tho it's been a long time since I've seen her in a pink ruffled dress, lol.  She says she has memories from being a tiny kid and seeing pink and thinking how ABSOLUTELY BREATHTAKINGLY BEAUTIFUL it was.  

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Why do parents get offended if their toddler/baby gets misgendered? It would be a compliment for me that my more neutral approach would have worked. Or is it just if you mistake boys for girls? Then everyone gets offended as usual.

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In fairness I haven't actually seen anyone say they are offended when someone mistook the gender of their children. But I do think you can not be offended by something but still prefer it not happen. 

I don't have kids so obviously this can be taken with a grain of salt. But I can see any number of reasons why a parent wants people to know the gender of their baby and it could be something as simple as not wanting to endlessly correct people (tbh I'm socially awkward enough that I would want to correct people but would feel bad doing so. With that in mind I would probably also try and have some pretty pink fluffy stuff or something to save myself the "oh actually he's a she haha" moment.) 

I've also been mistaken for a boy and I actually found it kind of upsetting (This was between the 4th and 8th grade) 

I think you can embrace gender norms from both ends and still turn out fine. I know a huge number of female engineers who like to dress up and be feminine even though the nature of their career would mean they have existed in a male dominated arena.

 Sometimes too we need to be very very careful that in our pursuit of neutrality that we don't inadvertently promote gender shaming for more feminine things. I want to be very clear that I haven't seen it here but I do think that It's easy to fall into this trap of not wanting to be "too feminine" 

 

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On 12/16/2017 at 11:54 AM, Karma said:

Babies slept in nighties when mine were newborn.  Much easier!

Baby nightgowns or sacks for the win!  My sister turned me on to them when I was pregnant 24 years ago. She said there was nothing simpler than flipping up the nightgown, changing baby quick, and getting them back to sleep. Snaps and zips are way too complicated and stimulating for a half-asleep Mommy and baby. Keep it simple. I’ve had 3 other children since and found nothing more convenient. 

*My sister was born without a uterus and adopted. I couldn’t breastfeed due to a medication I was prescribed. So in our cases, breastfeeding was not possible. 

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I had no hair for ages (I had white blonde hair at birth, it fell out, and didn't regrow for aaaaaages.) Had a cherubic curly white/blonde short thing going on until I was threeish. There's videos of strangers coming up to mum to compliment her son, double taking at the dress, going for son anyway (liberal area, I'd probably go for boy in a dress too, honestly) and my mum just laughing and correcting them.

Honestly, I was adorable whether I was a girl or a boy. Chubby rosy red cheeks (that's turned into rosacea... less brilliant), platinum blonde curls, lovely handmade outfits my gran gave me. And then came the ugly 90s leggings mum put me in because they were easy. Thanks mum, you ruined what nature gave you there :pb_lol: Mum tried a bow/headband thing once and I didn't like it, so just stuck to hats in winter after that. Dad... I assume he got a say sometimes but mum wears the trousers! I don't really have an opinion on bows on babies as long as they don't hate them, but I don't think I'd buy them for a kid just because it's one more thing to get lost/fall off/need washing, and I'm lazy.

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I have a newborn girl. Someone asked how old my baby was yesterday. When I responded that she was 10 days old, the asker replied SHE?!...and looked at me like I was nuts. I realized babypearl was wearing a BLUE outfit. (With white hearts on it but still blue.) Oh the horror! Wtf is wrong with people. 

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First daughter lots of hair, bow to keep hair out of eyes plus super girly clothes, a hand me down from sister in laws.

I have 3 brothers, we have 7 girls between us, mine are among the youngest , lots of hand me downs.

Second daughter, no hair, I used head bands with flowers and bows.  She used to pull them off.  Big blue eyes and fantastic grin, often dressed in blue to match eyes.  Often mistaken for a boy.

Both girls now girly, love make up and dressing up.  But also volunteering to pick up poo at the RSPCA and homeless organisations.  They find their own way with love and support.

 

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When my daughter was a baby with short hair, I once took her out in a pink t-shirt that said Princess on it (don't judge me, it was a hand me down and it was clean), but no bow, and someone at the store still asked if she was a boy or a girl. I thought it was hilarious.

The only time I got annoyed was when a woman informed me I needed to pierce her ears so people would know she was a girl. Um, thanks for your unsolicited advice stranger, but no.

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6 minutes ago, VineHeart137 said:

When my daughter was a baby with short hair, I once took her out in a pink t-shirt that said Princess on it (don't judge me, it was a hand me down and it was clean), but no bow, and someone at the store still asked if she was a boy or a girl. I thought it was hilarious.

The only time I got annoyed was when a woman informed me I needed to pierce her ears so people would know she was a girl. Um, thanks for your unsolicited advice stranger, but no.

I always imagine that people look a little like their avatars (really confusing when they change them) and I can see you looking at that stranger exactly like yours. :D

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I was talking to a co-worker about my nephew one time, nephew this and nephew that.  She was smiling and said to me "Is your nephew a boy or a girl"? and I said "Boy". And then we both looked at each other and laughed, her that she asked that question and me that I answered it.

I had no hair as an infant and my mother always put bows on my head so people would know I was a girl.  

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