Gender Disappointment Forum

[VelociRapture]

I’ve had one miscarriage and one premature birth. I could care less what our eventual next child’s sex will be. I just want to carry the baby to term.

[Glasgowghirl]

My brother always wanted a brother and he got two sisters. He then said he wanted a son and had two daughters. When he was up visiting from England a few weeks ago I asked him and his girlfriend if they wanted anymore and he said he was happy with his girls but if they did have a third he wouldn't care if it was another girl. My sister has two boys so he got to do the things my niece won't do with them, while my sister took my niece to see my little pony and get her nails done.

Being disappointed about the sex of your baby is not a terrible thing in itself unless the parent begins to recent the child or mistreats the child.  

[Stormy]

1 hour ago, anjulibai said:

I had gender disappointment with both of my children, both boys. I could go into all the reasons why, but frankly most of these responses just show a massive amount of judgment, so fuck that. I'm not going to try to explain it to people that act like I'm a horrible person for having these feelings. 

I will say, though, that having a forum like this one would have helped me a great deal when I was going through this, especially with my first boy. It would have helped me feel less alone. As it was, just knowing that there were other people (both women and men) that experienced this helped me feel better. Because a great deal of the issues around gender disappointment was feeling that you can't express it to anyone because they are going to judge you.

Which this thread shows is true. So glad I only talked about this to my husband and a therapist. 

For the record, I adore my boys and wouldn't change them for anything. 

I think I forgot to clarify that I don't intend to snark on gender disappointment itself; I'm mostly concerned with people who put their existing children through hell, have wildly unrealistic expectations of what having their desired gender will be like, or who will only accept the help they want rather than the help they need. I won't press you for details on your situation (though I welcome you to share them), and I sincerely apologize that this thread was upsetting. I'm actually surprised not more people shared their experience with gender disappointment. You're not a horrible person for having had those feelings.

I'm sure that the Gender Disappointment discussion on Ingender would be a nicer resource if it didn't get so disjointed. There's supposed to be a subforum for people suffering from "extreme gender disappointment" that's private (for people who are having trouble loving their children, considering abortion, etc.) that a lot of people on there should be posting to, but aren't because they either don't realize how big their problem is or who clearly have other underlying issues. The bulk of the content is just people having normal GD (getting sad seeing other people's babies on social media, feeling like their family's not complete, being generally anxious about how they'll handle a boy/girl, etc.) and talking about it. Hell, I want exactly three children and at least one girl. If I got three or more boys instead, I'd be kinda disappointed. I'd also end up loving them just as you do your sons.

Again, you are not a horrible person, and I'm sorry that that's something you had to struggle with.

[AtlanticTug]

Years of infertility, 2 major uterine surgeries, 5 fresh IVF cycles, 4 frozen transfers, 6 losses, well over $100K out of pocket...I'd have been happy to give birth to a German Shepherd.

Zero sympathy for these women, sorry.

[Clairice]

I have one of each although eldest is severely autistic and will never lead an independent  life. I wasted most my thirties trying for another child but developed a clotting disorder which meant I lost five 12 week babies.

i really wouldn't have given a toss whether it was a boy or girl, a healthy pregnancy to term with no disabilities would be what I would have loved.

Sorry another one with limited sympathy here as well

[NakedKnees]

2 hours ago, anjulibai said:

I had gender disappointment with both of my children, both boys. I could go into all the reasons why, but frankly most of these responses just show a massive amount of judgment, so fuck that. I'm not going to try to explain it to people that act like I'm a horrible person for having these feelings. 

I will say, though, that having a forum like this one would have helped me a great deal when I was going through this, especially with my first boy. It would have helped me feel less alone. As it was, just knowing that there were other people (both women and men) that experienced this helped me feel better. Because a great deal of the issues around gender disappointment was feeling that you can't express it to anyone because they are going to judge you.

Which this thread shows is true. So glad I only talked about this to my husband and a therapist. 

For the record, I adore my boys and wouldn't change them for anything. 

I apologize for using the terms "selfish and cruel" in my previous post. That was unnecessary. I was overly focused on some of those forum posts and not the big picture. 

It sounds like you have put serious work into not only doing what's best for your kids, but in being honest with yourself. I applaud that, and I would not consider you a horrible person.

[laPapessaGiovanna]

I stand by what I have already said. "Gender Disappointment" is not a a condition per se, for many reasons. 

First of all, as it is named, it can be at most just a fad. Gender is for the most part a social construction. There's more variety among different individuals than there should supposedly be between stereotyped genders. So, at birth, what you know about your baby is the shape of their genitalia, aka their sex, not their gender. Hence the first word of the supposed condition is at very least inaccurate. It may not be completely wrong because sex is, unfortunately, automatically tied to a boatload of social stereotypes and the problem may be there.

What is completely meaningless is the second term. Disappointment is never problematic by itself. It's just an emotion, like happiness, rage, sadness and so on. Even exaggerately strong emotions aren't problematic by themselves as long as the person can make sense of them. And when this doesn't happen the emotion is hardly the problem, that usually lays whitin the triggering causes  and/or the person's handling of the emotion and its associated meanings.

Also, as it is described in most, if not all, the posts over that forum, GD can  just describe a part of a more complex situation. The name of a condition usually underlines where the problem is. And as I have already pointed out the problem isn't the disappointment. The gender may be problematic as, unfortunately, for most individuals sex is inextricably tied to stereotyped social constructions and as a result it can also be tied (consciously or not) to a clusterfuck of situations that have little to do with the poor baby and their sex except in the mind of their parents or, unfortunately, in the reality of the culture the baby wilk grow up in.

@anjulibai

My sensation is that you are requiring respect for a very normal emotion you felt strongly about, but that very probably wasn't problematic by itself, just in association with other factors you don't mention and that you have surely dealt with together with your therapist. And you are absolutely right in requiring the respect that is due. The fact that most people feel this as a minor thing or simply never felt it, doesn't diminish the reality of your struggle.

What I object at with that forum is how it doesn't differentiate between what is a normal emotion that may be intense and difficult to  cope with because it's felt a bit like a taboo or because it's associated with problematic social constructions/relationships dynamics/personal history/other, stupid stereotypes and a series of pathological level symptoms that are surely part of mental health conditions, but that for sure aren't called gender disappointment.

A comparison may be with the detachment a woman may feel, even for a long time, towards her baby after giving birth. It's an emotion and a pretty normal one, but that can be associated with a series of problems that stem, not from the emotion itself, nor from the baby, but from the social constructions surrounding motherhood or that is (associated with other symptoms) within a more complex pathological situation that isn't referred at with a meaningless, unhelpful label such as "newborn hate" but as PPD or PPP. The respect, knowledge and social acceptance of these struggles have increased a lot in the last decades.

In conclusion while for everybody's sake I would like that being disappointed with your baby's sex would be treated less judgingly, with respect and addressed in a more psychologically savvy way, I think that that forum is a clusterfuck of confusion between emotions, social constructions, stereotypes and mental illnesses. From that confusion some may come out feeling reassured by the normalization of their emotions (a good thing), others may become none the wiser about the stereotypes that plague their minds and our society, some are (thankfully) said to look for a good therapist.

The good thing is that at least we are having a discussion about it.

Sorry for the wall of text.

[Grimalkin]

          PSA: I have four kids. The three oldest are girls and my son is my fourth. I find it extremely annoying when people say things like “oh, you finally got your boy!” While I know some people keep going to get their gender of choice it wasn’t my motivation. It’s not necessarily rude to say but it irritates me nonetheless.

      @anjulibai you sound like you have worked through things in a healthy manner no judgment toward you.

       It starts with being disappointed about the gender. Then your disappointed because your little girl hates pink, or doesn’t like ice skating, or isn’t artistic. Maybe she is loud or homely. There will always be something to be disappointed about if you don’t find a way to get past it. Whatever your expectations are, no matter what you do, they are going to have their own personalities and hardwiring you can’t completely change. You can try and end up like the Pennington’s,  or Schupes or Rufus forbid JRod. 

       I must admit. I’m deeply disappointed in my children, the one thing they have in common is being picky eaters and I’m really tired of the crap I get every night at the dinner table. They can’t even agree on where to order pizza.  I wish I could shape and mold them on n that capacity. 

[nvmbr02]

I had always pictured myself with a houseful of girls. I am not really sure why but I do have 2 sisters and 3 stepsisters so I guess it was partly just wanting what I grew up with. I didn't ever really want all the girly stuff because I am not a super girly girl anyway. With our first we found out we were expecting a girl at 20 weeks With our second we did not find out before birth but I was pretty sure it was another girl. So when the Dr, announced "It's a boy!" I was in shock I remember just thinking what am I going to do with a boy. I stayed up and stared at him all night. I can't say that it affected any bonding or anything like that but it was something I needed to wrap my mind around. So i can understand when people talk about a bit of disappointment but I can not imagine some of the more extreme reactions.

[Glasgowghirl]

My sister gets pissed off when people say her are you gonna try for a girl, she has two wonderful sons that she feels grateful to have as she had a few miscarriages and her waters broke early with her eldest and she risked having a premature baby. She said in the event of a surprise baby she would be grateful for a healthy baby.

[Grimalkin]

@nvmbr02 I was surprised I was having a boy too! I have lots of sisters and nieces. I didn’t know what to do with a boy either. Of all my kids he is the one who is the most nurturing toward me. I was sick a while  ago and he always made sure i had something to drink and blankets and pillows.     

[StepMonsterInLA]

5 sons (2 step 3 bio)

2 brothers, no sister

Hubby is 1 of 4 boys, no sister 

I wanted a girl and I was disappointed when child 5 was a boy.  I guess it was the loss of my dream of having a daughter, but didn’t have anything to do with not wanted by my sons, which I guess is the difference.  

I love all of the guys, and secretly love being the only sister, daughter, girl in the house, and matriarch by default since my beautiful mil passed away (only daughter in law, baby mommas come and go in our family).

If I had the daughter I thought I wanted I’d have to trade one of my boys and no way in hell would that ever happen. 

[VelociRapture]

@anjulibaiI’m sorry you had to experience disappointment at first, but I am glad you sought help to work through it and get to a healthier mindset. Not everyone would be willing or able to do that and working through those emotions when you did will only make you a better parent in the long run. I’m glad you and your family are doing better now.

That said, I think there’s a big difference between the struggle with disappointment that you described and being so upset that you purposely act cruelly towards the child. I think (or at least hope) that many of the posters here realize there is a distinction between the two and that not everyone experiencing some form of disappointment should be condemned for it. Some people just need a bit of time to accept that their family is going to look a little different than they imagined and that’s ok.

[Timetraveler]

I don't have kids, but what strikes me as...well a bit odd, is that apparently  parents suffering from GD have already planned what their boy- or girl child will be like. But how can you know? Maybe your girl will hate pink and barbies. Maybe your son will love to paint his nails. Maybe one of your children will turn out to be transgender. I don't know, these stereotypes...children are individual human beings. For example, girls are not sweeter and more caring than boys, that is what society tells us (or would like girls to be like perhaps). 

[Dutch_girl]

A week ago a friend of mine found out she was having a boy.. even though the gender-ultrasound a couple weeks earlier showed a girl (or so they thought). She was really upset, crying for a couple of days. I couldn't have much sympathy, after nearly two years of trying (and starting a medical journey next month), I would be over the moon with two lines on the test...

[BrandoBarks]

This is kind of personal but ok, I'd like to share my story...

As an 8 year old girl, I was sexually abused by my classmat's older brother, several times. I never told anybody until a couple of years ago, also because my mom always preferred my brother over me. When I found out at 15 weeks that we were having a boy, I was soooo disappointed and scared, I thought, here's another male taking advantage of my body. Yes, this is what I thought. I could not stand breastfeeding him and suffered from severe PPD.  With help from my husband and professional tharapy I was able to overcome this and I love my son with all my heart. I'm so happy that I'm able to raise him healthy and teach him to respect women. It took some time definitely.

[Terrie]

I think some of it comes down to a response being understandable and it being acceptable. Having a wrench thrown into your plans, no matter how benign the wrench is, is understandably upsetting to some people. But that doesn't make it it acceptable in this case, anymore than that fact that an unknown large black male might make me nervous due to social conditioning is acceptable, even if it's understandable. We need to admit and confront the sexist messages of society that say you should want a boy for A and a girl for B activities, or that one of each is preferable. 

[VelociRapture]

4 hours ago, BrandoBarks said:

This is kind of personal but ok, I'd like to share my story...

As an 8 year old girl, I was sexually abused by my classmat's older brother, several times. I never told anybody until a couple of years ago, also because my mom always preferred my brother over me. When I found out at 15 weeks that we were having a boy, I was soooo disappointed and scared, I thought, here's another male taking advantage of my body. Yes, this is what I thought. I could not stand breastfeeding him and suffered from severe PPD.  With help from my husband and professional tharapy I was able to overcome this and I love my son with all my heart. I'm so happy that I'm able to raise him healthy and teach him to respect women. It took some time definitely.

I’m so sorry you were abused like this and I’m so sorry your mother played favorites as well. I think, given the circumstances, your reaction was pretty understandable - traumatic events can have some really serious impacts on those affected. I’m really glad you sought help to work through your emotions and that you have a happy and healthy relationship with your son now. 

[laPapessaGiovanna]

5 hours ago, BrandoBarks said:

This is kind of personal but ok, I'd like to share my story...

As an 8 year old girl, I was sexually abused by my classmat's older brother, several times. I never told anybody until a couple of years ago, also because my mom always preferred my brother over me. When I found out at 15 weeks that we were having a boy, I was soooo disappointed and scared, I thought, here's another male taking advantage of my body. Yes, this is what I thought. I could not stand breastfeeding him and suffered from severe PPD.  With help from my husband and professional tharapy I was able to overcome this and I love my son with all my heart. I'm so happy that I'm able to raise him healthy and teach him to respect women. It took some time definitely.

Thank you for sharing your story!  you're an amazingly brave woman and mum!

Realizing what the underlying issues are and working on them with professional help can truly make a world of a difference.

[StepMonsterInLA]

7 hours ago, Timetraveler said:

I don't have kids, but what strikes me as...well a bit odd, is that apparently  parents suffering from GD have already planned what their boy- or girl child will be like. But how can you know? Maybe your girl will hate pink and barbies. Maybe your son will love to paint his nails. Maybe one of your children will turn out to be transgender. I don't know, these stereotypes...children are individual human beings. For example, girls are not sweeter and more caring than boys, that is what society tells us (or would like girls to be like perhaps). 

I agree you don’t know what your kid will be like. My sons have all been rangbunctious, no interest in painting nails.  My first son, before he was born, I bought him a lovely little baby doll. He never even looked at it.  We still have it and it’s a joke like ha mom thought we would play with dolls!  

Male and female hormones, brains and body parts are different.  

@BrandoBarks

What a touching story, my heart broke for you.  I am so very glad that you were willing and able to work through it.  Sending hugs. 

[Terrie]

4 minutes ago, StepMonsterInLA said:

Male and female hormones, brains and body parts are different.  

Sorry, but just because your son wasn't interested in a doll doesn't make that true. Biology and socialization are way more complex than that.

[Ali]

My toddler son has all of my daughter's old age appropriate toys. He loves trucks, cars, trains, and anything else with wheels. It makes me sad that he might someday no longer love the shopping cart and one of the riding trucks just because they are pink. Young children will play with toys because they are toys. Sometimes they might have stereotypical gender interests and sometimes they don't.

[samurai_sarah]

47 minutes ago, StepMonsterInLA said:

I agree you don’t know what your kid will be like. My sons have all been rangbunctious, no interest in painting nails.  My first son, before he was born, I bought him a lovely little baby doll. He never even looked at it.  We still have it and it’s a joke like ha mom thought we would play with dolls!  

Male and female hormones, brains and body parts are different.  

(snip)

I must have a hormonal imbalance, then. Or maybe I'm just a freak? There is no question about XX and XY people producing a different level of hormones, but like your son, I never looked at the dolls people insisted on buying me.

With all due respect, I find this kind of thinking offensive. Yes, being a person of colour, the levels of melanin I produce are different from my lily-white husband's. That says precisely one thing: I need less sun-screen!

[VelociRapture]

25 minutes ago, samurai_sarah said:

I must have a hormonal imbalance, then. Or maybe I'm just a freak? There is no question about XX and XY people producing a different level of hormones, but like your son, I never looked at the dolls people insisted on buying me.

With all due respect, I find this kind of thinking offensive. Yes, being a person of colour, the levels of melanin I produce are different from my lily-white husband's. That says precisely one thing: I need less sun-screen!

Not to mention some of us actually DO have hormonal imbalances. I was born female, identify as female, and enjoy some girly stuff - yet my body naturally produces too much testosterone and it messes with my menstural cycle. 

[Kailash]

When my daughter is asked if she is male or female she says "I identify as an attack helicopter." 

Apparently it's from a meme. It cracks me up because she resists gender stereotyping and has since she was about 4 years old. (She's turning 12 later this month.)