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The Hawkins Family


General Jinjur

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OK folks. 

I figure we all be needin' some mid-day uplifting, so I thought I would turn my (lack) of song lyric'in ability into blessin' you all:

GOLD PLEXUS

from the album BroGarylicious

 

G-O-L-D-P-L-XUS

 

If you ain’t got no King James, take yo’ hell weens home

I say: If you don’t like no KING JAMES take yo hell weens home

 

G-O-L-D-P-L-XUS; that’s G-O-L-D-(uh!) P-(uh!) L(uh!) XUS (uh!)

 

Broke down on God’s rode

While eating some pie

Now need an R-V:

No gift is two high!

And I won’t change

For the gold plexus, oh the pinky dranky

 

The gold plexus

the gold plexus, gold plexus (the gold plexus life)

For the gold plexus, oh the pinky dranky

 

Sing them ol’ time hymns and songs

All that song thats currents rong!

Pro sodomites where e’er we roam

 While grifting for an rv home

 

I be on the preaching scene

Man food and racist screeds!

I’m a man; I’m a gravy fool

I’m the king of the pink ween pool

 

I still skip the supper bowel. . .  

 

Sis Krazy

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On 9/7/2017 at 4:24 PM, Lurky said:

OK folks I genuinely don't understand how he thinks that if women wear trousers, their children won't know which is their father and which is their mother.  I can't even imagine a planet where that make sense!

 

A planet where children's cognitive development has been stunted by bad genes and a diet of weenie gravy? 

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Oh, merciful heavens! I had to take a gander at the video clip, and the singing defies description. However, I have to cut Becky some slack. Although her tone quality is abysmal, she did appear to have some pitch recognition. As the group veered off pitch, she seem to recognize the change, stopped, and then started again in the new key. This in itself does not atone for the multitude of sins against sacred music committed by Bro Gary and his followers. Snark away.
Sis MQ

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Ok folks-

Ive been holding off on replying to this thread bc I felt like I had some big things to say, in light of my gay-ex revelation and the response...  Thread has totally moved on since then, but Ive been type/deleting this for days trying to get it right, so I apologize for my being out to lunch so long.

@Indigo, that's such a crazy coincidence, esp 7 yrs part.  Lots of *hugs* for you.  But really, this is so weird, right?  I 'know' a couple other ppl it's happened to, but never anyone I felt comfortable talking about it with on a deep level.  *hugs* again.

My ex's family was fundie light, and that played a big part in how our relationship was.  @Cleopatra7 did a good job of explaining how it played out for us, and possibly many other people who end up in this situation too.  I honestly think my ex thought he could pray away the gay.  Maybe if his parents had raised him to feel like he would be loved, accepted and respected no matter what, he wouldn't have put us/himself through all of that.  I think this is why I've fallen so hard down the FJ rabbit hole lately.  It's fascinating to me, the way some people will destroy or hugely detriment their lives in the name of religion.

I shudder reading about Becky, because even though I detest what she seems to have turned her life and heart into, I can totally empathize.  I would almost say I could see it happening to me- but no, I can't, that just wouldn't be me.  I can easily imagine her in this super depressed, desperate type role, clinging to anyone who is willing to be there for her...  I just wish it was someone better.  Poor Sis Becky.  You CAN do better than this, and you deserve to have anything you want from life.  (Although, if feeding Bro Gary pink ween gravy while he drives is what you want your life to be, I guess you deserve that too, and mazel tov!)

I dug deeper down the Sis Becky fb rabbit hole, and can't say I found very many answers.  I did find a post where she is promoting a suicide help text number, and encouraging people to seek help if they need it.  And a recipe for peanut butter s'more cookie bars, which is in my oven right now!  So in my book, Sis Becky is maybe, almost okay.

Sis Spanger

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Ok folks,

I wanted to apologize for snarking on Cher or OldPeopleFacebook.  I didn't realize that my comments were problematic, but from reading your responses I see them in a new light.  I'm really sorry, but once again, I am thankful for the good weens of FJ for challenging me and making me see things that I had missed.  You guys make me a better person, even if you wont give me a free RV.

Full of the gravy of repentance,

Sis Gee

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Ok folks,

Just wanted to say that looking forward to catching up on BroG was the only thing that got me through the meeting to plan for the meeting about the upcoming other meeting (no joke).  I thank Rufus and weens for the ray of light that is FJ!

Sis World Works

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8 hours ago, Flossie said:

OK folks, 

I'm going for "Hawkins Family 2: Still saved, Still full of Gravy"

Sis Flossie

Ok folks,

Maybe I'm being picky but, I like "saved and full of gravy".  I feel like "still saved, still full of gravy" would be great in a year cause right now, we just found out he's saved and full of ween gravy.  Plus, nice reminder later. What do I know though, I'm a pants wearing wimmin who's kids don't know if I'm their dad.  I tried to type that in Weenese, it's too hard to be that dumb.

Also, I love finding a bunch of upvotes when cking in!  Always for this thread and I can't wait to see what the FJ'er who read all this has to say about Bro. Ween!  Good times right now!  You know it's good when @Curious joins in!  And @Palimpsest gets summoned ! Lol

May your weens be pink and your flour be real,

Sis. Beermeet 

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2 hours ago, Georgiana said:

Full of the gravy of repentance,

And what a beautiful example of how to write the perfect, and sincere, apology for what was only a minor boo-boo in the greater scheme of things.

Thanks @Georgiana.  You rock!

 

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Okay, folks. Brother Gary has an update for us:

Quote

Ok folks update on the Motorhome home. Still need much needed funds but the LORD seems to send a little at a time. Call over 200 Churches talk to maybe 20 Preachers. Left lots of messages. So will Pray the LORD will be done on the calls we've made. No promises but did have a couple say there would Pray and talk to the Church. So with that being said keep Praying keep sharing and see if the LORD would lead any of y'all to be a part of the Hawkins Family Ministry. Little is much when GOD is in it.
Bro Gary Gary Hawkins

I just can't imagine cold calling churches to ask for a motor home. There are people who need help with rent, electricity, and buying groceries--but you want to use the church's money so you can sit around and eat weens all day.

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OK folks,

Hold on to yer butts.  Are you ready. for. this?  (I will answer for you that no, no you are not)

This is absolutely only tangentially related to this thread, but here goes (spoiler for the squeamish):

Spoiler

 

Today was my first day at a new job.  Within half an hour, I felt dizzy... and dizzier... and then passed out.  And apparently (I have no memory of this, having blacked out) in the process of fainting, I projectile vomited all over my nice new coworker who was going to be showing me the ropes.  Her clothing, my clothing, floor, everything.

They called 911, and off I went in the shiny ambulance to the ER.

So here I am, back at home, recovering (sidenote:  the ER's conclusion after umpteen tests:  "Dunno, just happens to people sometimes.  You are probably fine.  Take it easy").

 

 Mr. Pianokeeper and I had a lovely quiet dinner and, on this historic day of what was absolutely The Worst First Day At A New Job Ever in the History of Humans, would you like to guess what I told him aaaall about? 

Our friend, Bro. Gary.  THAT is how hysterical and yet distressing and just... mind-blowing in so many different, crazy ways this whole thread -- and his existence -- are.  

It's a good distraction.  

Sis. Pianokeeper aka Sis. Wish Me Luck Retaining My Brand New Shiny Job

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2 minutes ago, Pianokeeper said:

Wish Me Luck Retaining My Brand New Shiny Job

Absolutely.  And, dear Rufus, I am so sorry that happened!

But you can dine out on that story for years. :)

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Tiny weenies
In the brine
Make me happy 
Make me feel fine 

Tiny weenies
Make me warm all over
With a feeling that I'm gonna love 'em
Till the end of time

So here's to the white flour
And the stuff that makes 'em pink
And mostly here's toast to the brand new motor home I'll need
Can you tell how low I've sinked

So here's to my beautiful wife
Who feeds me on the go
And here's a kiss
From your Bro

Tiny weenies 

In the brine

Make me feel happy

Every time I dine

 

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22 minutes ago, Palimpsest said:

Absolutely.  And, dear Rufus, I am so sorry that happened!

But you can dine out on that story for years. :)

Thank you.  I kept saying to myself "This is so unbelievable!" as I came back to consciousness.  I think I officially spend too much time on FJ for this and other FJ threads to be on my mind today.   Oof.  Hey, some people would be spending all day in bed watching movies, right?  This is like the movies, only with scarier cuisine and (unfortunately) real children being raised by these weeners.

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@Pianokeeper. Holy shit, nope wasn't ready!  You poor thing, I hope you are well from here on out.  You ok?  Epic entry tho!  I'm so sorry that happened. Tomorrow is a new day, hold your head high and a little self deprecation goes a long way!   Glad FJ and bro. Ween were here for you!  Best to You.

Sis. Beermeet 

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1 hour ago, Carol said:

Tiny weenies
In the brine
Make me happy 
Make me feel fine 

-snip-

Ok folks, look what they've done to my song! 

 Hilarious, @Carol !  

Sis Tiny 

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So, anyone who knows more about this than I do, how does the donation thing generally work in a situation like this? For the few churches that allegedly pledged money, are they just saying that IF he gets the entire amount covered, THEN they will send the amount they pledged? But if he doesn't, he gets nothing from them either?

It really doesn't look like they'll ever get the money they need, but their current RV sure is failing fast, so I'm really interested to see how this is going to play out. I'm sure that when they made the decision to go into "full-time ministry", they were anticipating a lot more donations than have been forthcoming, but I suspect they also were counting on child support money that they're no longer getting. How long is it going to take them to admit that their plan is completely unsustainable and that they need to take a different path? The desperation level apparent in the begging lately shows they must be really stressed out about all of this, as they should be. They have some people vociferously defending their choice to beg for money, but even those people aren't mentioning actually giving them any cash.

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6 hours ago, Pianokeeper said:

OK folks,

Hold on to yer butts.  Are you ready. for. this?  (I will answer for you that no, no you are not)

<cut>

Mr. Pianokeeper and I had a lovely quiet dinner and, on this historic day of what was absolutely The Worst First Day At A New Job Ever in the History of Humans,

<cut>

Sis. Pianokeeper aka Sis. Wish Me Luck Retaining My Brand New Shiny Job

Oh you poor thing! I also started a new job this week, much, much less dramatically I'm thankful to say. I hope day 2 is much better for you!

6 hours ago, Palimpsest said:

Absolutely.  And, dear Rufus, I am so sorry that happened!

But you can dine out on that story for years. :)

As can your new co-worker! :)

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3 hours ago, Coy Koi said:

So, anyone who knows more about this than I do, how does the donation thing generally work in a situation like this? For the few churches that allegedly pledged money, are they just saying that IF he gets the entire amount covered, THEN they will send the amount they pledged? But if he doesn't, he gets nothing from them either?

And some more Qs for people who know how this works.... Do the churches who get the requests do any investigation/want any proof?   For example, if I rang up a church and said I was a traveling preacher with a singing ministry, would they want evidence?  References?

And in the context of the natural disasters hitting the USA, how do churches prioritise?  IF they had a big bag of money around, how would a church decide between eg a former parishioner who lost her home in Hurricane Irma and someone like the Hawkins? 

I guess I always wonder, when I see the Grifters of FJ - how does all this work? Is it some kind of tithing so USA churches have big bags of cash at all times?  But they just hand it out to anyone who phones up? Do they not have plans or programmes?  Or is it more about asking parishioners on each basis?

And another Q.  Do the Hawkinses have an actual house they live in?  If Gary has set his heart on a new RV and it doesn't materialise, will he see this as God telling him to settle down, or move on to the next hope?

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Progress.......last night when the little Fundy Shocked kids gazed at the ham and roasted potatoes I had lovingly rapidly cooked, one of them grinned and said it looked like good ween. Another asked when the Super Bowel is scheduled. I had to bit my tongue NOT to say that it is after someone starts using Plexus!

In a few more weeks, my kids will have all kinds of Bro. Gary-speak words in their vocabulary.

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@FundamentallyShockedI now have an indelible image of FJ kidlets worldwide  asking for weens, wanting the Super Bowel on TV, and fundraising at school for a new RV...:my_dodgy:

Thanks. Not.

Sis Sawasdee.

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@Lurky In our church, money has to be approved by the vestry and finance committee. For situations like Harvey, we will have a second offering, since vestry and finance only meet once a month.

So, Bro Gary could come to our LGBT friendly church with male and female priests and ask for a love offering. :laughing-rolling: Although, there probably wouldn't be anyone left after they started singing.

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Does Bro have skills other than those he has already demonstrated (preaching, writing, grifting, music, and phone calls)?  Sounds like the Lord, as reflected in $$s for blessings, may be encouraging him toward other directions.

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In some churches, itinerant preachers/travelling revival musicians would be considered missionaries, and would be required to exhibit training as well as be commissioned.  In churches which organize this way, fundraising is largely done prior to the church commissioning ceremony, with a minimum amount of funds needed to begin. (to cover living expenses, health and life insurance).  Most of these are designated as a combination of a missions budget and private donations.  In such circumstances, the cost of an RV would in general be thought to be covered by the salary goals (like the rest of us who earn salaries pay for our living expenses).  This is seen in Independent Bible churches, and the like.

Gary seems to fall into a "self appointed" itinerant camp.  Many of these that I have seen that are successful consider themselves "tent-makers" - working a full time job to support their ministry themselves, and building up their ministry before relying solely on what people give to sustain them.  In these cases "love offerings" defray the costs of travel, etc, and are not expected to be large nor a substitute for a regular source of income.  I have seen these scattered amongst many denominations.  Everyone has a favorite "guest speaker" or "guest singer" who comes; but rarely is the church expected to raise large amounts of funds for these folk.

Large denominations, such as the United Methodist, maintain separate relief efforts - such as UMCOR (United Methodist Committee on Relief) - because they are a network of local churches with a national organization.  They are able to structure finances for on-going relief efforts as well as disaster.  Donations in this instance can be made either through your local church or directly through the national organization, and designated for specific efforts - such as Harvey relief.  They are required by the denomination to use 100% of a donation that is designated for what it is designated for.  And, a tax receipt is issued for such donations. (most official church missions and relief efforts provide a tax deduction document to the giver)

Independent churches around me often focus relief efforts on a particular sustainable goal, such as maintaining a food bank for the immediate community.  A special offering may be set up for a disaster, with funds possibly going to a "sister church" in the disaster impacted area.  Again, tax receipts are issued for donations, etc.

I have seen GoFundMe type of fundraising for creative pursuits or specific instances:  i.e.  a child who needs treatment for leukemia and the family cannot afford travel to and from treatment; to raise a budget to film a movie; a scholarship fund for a camp so that refugee children that are part of the church can attend.  Normally these are set up because 1.  the church on it's own doesn't have the money to do so and 2.  People have relationships outside the church that also want to donate/participate in the effort but may not be comfortable giving directly to a church/religion for the specified purpose.

There seems to me to be a special fundamentalist "evangelist" subset that throws all tax exemption/financial sense to the wind to "completely rely on God" and live from offering to offering.  They seem to spiritualize this abdication of regular reliable income to sustain their life and simply go from one fundraising project to the next - in a constant state of financial crisis.  I tend to think it is born of "calling" being defined as an internal personal experience rather than an external, body of faith invitation.  It's the difference between, "I think I am a preacher" and "We need someone to speak, can you do it?"  When I read the Bible, I tend to think it's a both/and situation.  IMHO, broGary should be a tent-maker and working at least a part time job to contribute to his funds himself at this stage.  There is nothing godly about allowing your family to become homeless while waiting for the Lord to act.  It's the financial equivalent of not taking medicine and waiting for the Lord to heal.  God's grace empowers us to take responsibility for our lives.

(Sorry such a long post)

 

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Ok folks, I was checking out some of Bro Gary's FB friends while on a really boring conference call, and came across this delightful asshole:

Spoiler

Screenshot_2017-09-15-12-19-08-1.png.d6fe3c403c11b9dd5b7edfdb89d05f96.png

I can't even imagine how horrifying a "Confederate Revival" would be.

Sis Jinjur

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I finally made it to the end of this thread!! This has been so entertaining for me on a super slow work day, so thank you fellow FJers.

Back (way way back) to the comment about women wearing pants, I thought he had mentioned it was the sodomites that kids wouldn't be able to tell apart? So I'm guessing he's talking about gay men and women? I don't know, that's how I read it. Either way it's still stupid.

I can't wait to see what else Bro Gary has to say, and I hope he'll come visit us.

And lastly I just have to say, I would also like a free RV! Please send money.

Sis Puma

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