Real Life Fundie Encounters - Part 4

[Swamptribe]

On 3/18/2018 at 8:13 PM, Pammy said:

I hate the dress... but I think bridesmaids need do what the bride wants.

It's her day, and she deserves the look she wants.

This.  Don't be a maidzilla.  The wedding is not about  you our you're 'style'. Wear the dress the bride approved.  If you are not comfortable wearing it or spending the money on it then it's time to gracefully drop out of the wedding.

On 3/18/2018 at 6:08 PM, Red Hair, Black Dress said:

I hate to push this, but the bride and especially the mother of the bride, doesn't get to decide and declare what your dress looks like since she gave the bridesmaids 1 instruction only -- cream or gold. The actual dress style was up to each bridesmaid.

@EowynW

Uhm, wrong, yes they do get to dictate and approve the dress.  IF OP is not comfortable with that, she should gracefully drop out of the wedding party.  It is not HER wedding.

[EowynW]

49 minutes ago, Swamptribe said:

This.  Don't be a maidzilla.  The wedding is not about  you our you're 'style'. Wear the dress the bride approved.  If you are not comfortable wearing it or spending the money on it then it's time to gracefully drop out of the wedding.

Uhm, wrong, yes they do get to dictate and approve the dress.  IF OP is not comfortable with that, she should gracefully drop out of the wedding party.  It is not HER wedding.

No one is being a maidzilla but thanks for the assumption. The bride is a fundie who is freaking out about any of us showing any hint of chest skin for fear of defrauding any men. I agree with doing what the Bride wants, and I'm going along with it all because I love my brother.  But I can totally bitch here about how silly some of this stuff is, since after all this is a forum for fundie snarking. 

[Red Hair, Black Dress]

As I'm not fundie would you explain why even the merest hint of chest skin in defrauding, but a cap sleeve dress that shows 99% of one's arms isn't defrauding?

I wasn't suggesting being a maidzilla,  but if the only restriction on the dress was the color, and the style was left entirely up to the maids, it's not fair to come in after the fact with all sorts of new restrictions.  If not showing any skin was such a big deal, that should have been made clear up front when the bride mentioned color.

What would have happened @EowynW if you hadn't shown her the dress before buying it and just shown up wearing it?  Would the bride have refused to have you in the wedding?

Have all the female guests been told that not a hint of chest skin is allowed?  Would they be barred at the door from attending the wedding if they showed any?

No matter how much I've learned about fundiedom on FJ, something new always pops up and astounds me.

[nausicaa]

On 3/18/2018 at 1:17 PM, Red Hair, Black Dress said:

Don't spend money on a dress you don't want.

...

And since you have to pay for the dress yourself, it's ultimately your choice.

...that's not how being a bridesmaid works. 

Like, I totally get @EowynW's frustration and think this is a fine place to complain about it, but at the end of the day, the bride gets to state what the bridesmaids wear. I've been a bridesmaid in plenty of (non-Fundie) weddings and had to pay for plenty of dresses I didn't want and never wore again (and they were far, far more than $30 and often included shoes and accessories). It's part of agreeing to be a bridesmaid. Paying for the dress didn't make it "ultimately my choice" and none of the other bridesmaids seemed to think this either.

It wasn't my day; it was my time to support the bride. I smiled for pictures and didn't "disappear every time a camera was pointed at me" even if I didn't like how I looked in the dress because again, the day wasn't about me. 

[EowynW]

7 hours ago, Red Hair, Black Dress said:

As I'm not fundie would you explain why even the merest hint of chest skin in defrauding, but a cap sleeve dress that shows 99% of one's arms isn't defrauding?

I wasn't suggesting being a maidzilla,  but if the only restriction on the dress was the color, and the style was left entirely up to the maids, it's not fair to come in after the fact with all sorts of new restrictions.  If not showing any skin was such a big deal, that should have been made clear up front when the bride mentioned color.

What would have happened @EowynW if you hadn't shown her the dress before buying it and just shown up wearing it?  Would the bride have refused to have you in the wedding?

Have all the female guests been told that not a hint of chest skin is allowed?  Would they be barred at the door from attending the wedding if they showed any?

No matter how much I've learned about fundiedom on FJ, something new always pops up and astounds me.

Well chest skin is by your BOOBS and boobs are for sexual temptation, don't you know.  

I think if we had shown up wearing a dress deemed immodest then they would've pinned us up with crappy modesty panels. I've seen it happen before. 

I'm wearing the crappy little girl's dress because I support my brother. I do not know the crazed fundie he's marrying because she won't let any of us get to know her. And I don't care to know her anyway, as I think she's only happy to get married so she can stay home and pop out eleventy billion babies. She's only using us non findies as props on her wedding party anyway, since she ran out of proper very very very good girls to fill up her side. This is a thread about fundie encounters and I'm surrounded by them in every side, so bitching here keeps me sane during important family events.  

[Red Hair, Black Dress]

I know you and Mr W have moved away from fundie-ism, but is your brother still firmly entrenched?  Is he ok with no bc and a baby every year? 

It sounds as if his fiancee is is very, very, very fundie, so fundie that I'm surprised she didn't hold out for someone as fundie as she is. If she doesn't want to let any of your family know her, is is possible she'll try to keep your brother away from his family?

[EowynW]

39 minutes ago, Red Hair, Black Dress said:

I know you and Mr W have moved away from fundie-ism, but is your brother still firmly entrenched?  Is he ok with no bc and a baby every year? 

It sounds as if his fiancee is is very, very, very fundie, so fundie that I'm surprised she didn't hold out for someone as fundie as she is. If she doesn't want to let any of your family know her, is is possible she'll try to keep your brother away from his family?

He is fundie. Not not as fundie. He's very very very sweet, laid back and easy going. No command man there. He loves to make her happy. While no BC and kids right off the bat isn't his ideal, he is going with it because he loves her and it's important to her. 

She interacts with my parents. She just doesn't seem to be interested in building a relationship with the rest of us. She's very very young and a bit spoiled and wrapped up in herself. We'll see. She is college educated and works as a teacher. We worry about this match but it's out of our hands. :-/ 

[JermajestyDuggar]

I run into fundies of many types on a regular basis so I don't report on here. However I was kind of interested in a fundie encounter I had the other day. There was a family of what looked like Christian fundies at the children's science center the other day. I've seen fundies lots of places like the zoo or playground but I was surprised to see them at the science center. I was glad to see them because I'm always afraid when fundies teach creation science. This science center completely goes against creation science so I imagine they teach real science if they are there. Of course the children were ridiculously well behaved and they dressed like the Maxwells except Mom had a head covering. 

[EowynW]

16 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

I run into fundies of many types on a regular basis so I don't report on here. However I was kind of interested in a fundie encounter I had the other day. There was a family of what looked like Christian fundies at the children's science center the other day. I've seen fundies lots of places like the zoo or playground but I was surprised to see them at the science center. I was glad to see them because I'm always afraid when fundies teach creation science. This science center completely goes against creation science so I imagine they teach real science if they are there. Of course the children were ridiculously well behaved and they dressed like the Maxwells except Mom had a head covering. 

My fundie parents always took us to museums and science centers. I loved them so much. They would just tell us to ignore the evolutionary teachings lol 

[JermajestyDuggar]

2 hours ago, EowynW said:

My fundie parents always took us to museums and science centers. I loved them so much. They would just tell us to ignore the evolutionary teachings lol 

At least you were exposed though. If fundies keep their children away from science centers and public school, it's easier for kids to believe their parents. Kids will still pay attention even if their parents tell them not to. I imagine fundies like Jill Rod wouldn't even set foot in a children's science museum. But they've been to creationism museum and Ark more than once.

[EowynW]

My fundie wedding update: 

The bride's fundie fundie family had to ask the male photographer if it was okay for my fundie mother to show "a little leg" in her pictures. The dress is only a few inches above the ankles! 

[EmiGirl]

12 minutes ago, EowynW said:

My fundie wedding update: 

The bride's fundie fundie family had to ask the male photographer if it was okay for my fundie mother to show "a little leg" in her pictures. The dress is only a few inches above the ankles! 

Oh for the love of God....

[EowynW]

We aren't allowed to say not one negative thing because she's fixing to be our sister and we "defend our own." 

Funny, that defending your own thing often doesn't apply to me, the non fundie. I clearly remember my mom calling me a feminist and saying as I was anti biblical, on Christmas morning on our first Christmas morning as a married couple, just because she saw me tell someone on Facebook that that married people were to be equals. 

[EowynW]

And there's hardly anything practical on the registry. But there is a clearplat. So they don't have to hear the word "damn" in movies. 

I'm torn about their registry. Most of it is the dainty decorative crap and decorative kitchenware that will not wear well to hard use. I'd rather get them a workhorse gift, kike a quality mixing bowl set, kitchen aide hand mixer, quality baking sheets, glass cookware set or something like we use constantly. But they don't have that on their registry. We don't have much money and I hate to waste it on crap. 

[catlady]

@EowynW, unlike the dress, this is where you can go your own way.  Even Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners (who serves up her etiquette advice with very subtle sarcasm), says that registries are not an obligation.  the only thing you are expected to give at a wedding is good wishes; everything else, including gifts, are optional.  therefore, you are not required to buy anything from anyone's registry.  since the bride isn't letting you get to know her, go with your brother's interests or discuss things with him.  if he knows she has no mixer but likes to bake, get them one.  if you know the colors of their kitchen or bath, get good-quality towels or some such.  if your brother would have use for a power drill, get that.  but be prepared for her to return whatever you give them (your description of her makes this seem like a possibility).  Miss Manners would support this too, because once a gift is given, the recipient can do what they choose with it.  yes, that would hurt a little, but at least you tried.

[Swamptribe]

50 minutes ago, catlady said:

@EowynW, unlike the dress, this is where you can go your own way.  Even Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners (who serves up her etiquette advice with very subtle sarcasm), says that registries are not an obligation.  the only thing you are expected to give at a wedding is good wishes; everything else, including gifts, are optional.  therefore, you are not required to buy anything from anyone's registry.  since the bride isn't letting you get to know her, go with your brother's interests or discuss things with him.  if he knows she has no mixer but likes to bake, get them one.  if you know the colors of their kitchen or bath, get good-quality towels or some such.  if your brother would have use for a power drill, get that.  but be prepared for her to return whatever you give them (your description of her makes this seem like a possibility).  Miss Manners would support this too, because once a gift is given, the recipient can do what they choose with it.  yes, that would hurt a little, but at least you tried.

This.  No wedding guest is not obligated to give a gift at all.  You're a guest, not a cash cow.  If you choose to give a gift, pick what you think the couple would like or need.  You do not have to go with the registry. his is also where you can get a little creative.  Give them sex books. 

[EowynW]

14 minutes ago, Swamptribe said:

This.  No wedding guest is not obligated to give a gift at all.  You're a guest, not a cash cow.  If you choose to give a gift, pick what you think the couple would like or need.  You do not have to go with the registry. his is also where you can get a little creative.  Give them sex books. 

I am getting them a sex book + a good egalitarian marriage book. 

1 hour ago, catlady said:

@EowynW, unlike the dress, this is where you can go your own way.  Even Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners (who serves up her etiquette advice with very subtle sarcasm), says that registries are not an obligation.  the only thing you are expected to give at a wedding is good wishes; everything else, including gifts, are optional.  therefore, you are not required to buy anything from anyone's registry.  since the bride isn't letting you get to know her, go with your brother's interests or discuss things with him.  if he knows she has no mixer but likes to bake, get them one.  if you know the colors of their kitchen or bath, get good-quality towels or some such.  if your brother would have use for a power drill, get that.  but be prepared for her to return whatever you give them (your description of her makes this seem like a possibility).  Miss Manners would support this too, because once a gift is given, the recipient can do what they choose with it.  yes, that would hurt a little, but at least you tried.

I think that's a good part of what is making all of this so frustrating is that I don't know her. I've met her exactly 4 times and she didn't want to socialize much any of those times. She doesn't seem to be interested in being a friend to any of his side family. Hell, all dress instructions she gives are given to my brother to tell all of us. She won't talk to us directly about anything. I've been bridesmaids to friends in the past, but this is and feels different. But, I love my brother and I want his day to be happy, so I'm doing this for him. I can deal with my own fundie family but now we have all these other fundies marrying in and it gets harder lol 

[Briefly]

I'm sorry you have to deal with such a bad situation, but I agree:  get the gift you want to give them. Then it's on them, if they take it back then you have still done what you wanted to do.

[WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?]

@EowynW, I like the sound of the books you're giving them.  If you want to play it neutral on any further gift, you might consider a gift card to wherever they are registered. I know I really enjoyed using the gift cards we got at our wedding to get the things that mattered the most to us. It's kind of similar to people "going in together" on a larger gift; the smaller gift cards can be pooled together to get one more expensive item.

Or get them something you think they can really use and make sure to include a gift receipt so that they can exchange it. 

[hollyandivy]

18 hours ago, EowynW said:

My fundie wedding update: 

The bride's fundie fundie family had to ask the male photographer if it was okay for my fundie mother to show "a little leg" in her pictures. The dress is only a few inches above the ankles! 

oh, is the photographer's name Christopher Maxwell? Doesn't he have all those weird modesty standards?

 

On the Gift - I would go with the registry only because I would see anything else being returned. But that is just me.

[EowynW]

I opened my Facebook to find this little nugget of fundie wisdom. 

"Working out has been hard but it's starting to show and my husband sooooooo appreciates it. Like I heard in a marriage seminar once, 'if he divorces you, you'd go out and work out at the gym anyway, so why wait and make him endure a Walrus?' Try sweating for your husband, he'll think it's really nice. Trust me I know."

I really am suspecting that Michael Pearl is the guy who said the walrus quote. Since I know this fundie family goes to those shindigs in my part of the state nearly every year. 

[catlady]

1 hour ago, EowynW said:

"Working out has been hard but it's starting to show and my husband sooooooo appreciates it. Like I heard in a marriage seminar once, 'if he divorces you, you'd go out and work out at the gym anyway, so why wait and make him endure a Walrus?' Try sweating for your husband, he'll think it's really nice. Trust me I know."

If that really was said at a marriage seminar, then i already hate the lecturer.  and is the writer's husband sweating for his wife in return?  

and besides, what do they have against walruses?

[Red Hair, Black Dress]

In my admittedly limited experience I've seen a lot of fundie couples where the hubby is the walrus.  The wife is working like crazy to maintain her HS/ wedding day weight, and to lose all her baby weight within 2 months. This is almost always at the hub's insistence and the women think he has every right to demand this. (Women will confide the darndest things in other women.)

Hub on the other hand has put on 25-50 lbs in what can only be described as a beer gut (whether he drinks or not).  The wife is usually concerned that some young, hot, thin cutie is going to take her man, and the hub is convinced he's still the hot trim athlete he was in HS/college and women are still checking him out.

The irony that these men are fundie and demanding a level of purity/ submission/ godly thinness from their wives while surreptitiously checking out other women is not lost on me -- but seems to be ignored by those involved.

[Swamptribe]

On 3/28/2018 at 5:48 PM, Swamptribe said:

This.  No wedding guest is not obligated to give a gift at all.  You're a guest, not a cash cow.  If you choose to give a gift, pick what you think the couple would like or need.  You do not have to go with the registry. his is also where you can get a little creative.  Give them sex books. 

Consarnit!!! That line should read "no wedding guest is obligated to give a gift at all"

[Briefly]

3 hours ago, Red Hair, Black Dress said:

In my admittedly limited experience I've seen a lot of fundie couples where the hubby is the walrus.  The wife is working like crazy to maintain her HS/ wedding day weight, and to lose all her baby weight within 2 months. This is almost always at the hub's insistence and the women think he has every right to demand this. (Women will confide the darndest things in other women.)

Hub on the other hand has put on 25-50 lbs in what can only be described as a beer gut (whether he drinks or not).  The wife is usually concerned that some young, hot, thin cutie is going to take her man, and the hub is convinced he's still the hot trim athlete he was in HS/college and women are still checking him out.

The irony that these men are fundie and demanding a level of purity/ submission/ godly thinness from their wives while surreptitiously checking out other women is not lost on me -- but seems to be ignored by those involved.

I have noticed that nearly every time I've seen a Fundie family.